Time seemed at a stand still when Amanda knelt beside Olivia's bedside, arms folding around one of the deep red pillows that she pulled down. She buried her face in the soft, silky fabric. It still bore Olivia's scent, the warm, sweet smell, a combination of cinnamon and coffee, and squad room. Somewhere, someone was sobbing, muffled broken wails that she was amazed Cragen and the others didn't hear. Frannie nuzzled her, and Amanda realized with not so much shock that the wailing was coming from herself. She took a deep breath, allowed Frannie to lick the tears from her cheeks, and tried to steady herself. Now wasn't the time to break down.
"God." She whispered softly, remembering all the times she'd prayed as a little girl, in church, with her Mama at bedtime. The standard prayers that every child learned in Sunday School. Now I lay me down to sleep, Our Father who art in Heaven. But never in her life had she actually TALKED to God. After what Patton did to her, Amanda had been convinced that such no such being existed, and if he did, he didn't give a rats ass about her. But now, she needed to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. And she needed someone. A miracle. She remembered a story she'd heard as a little girl, when Reverend Stokes had taught her Sunday School class one hot July day. He'd told them about a rich man, who wanted to get to Heaven. Jesus had told him to give away all his riches in order to do so, but he had declined, choosing instead to keep his money and riches and let the blessings of Heaven pass along to other folks.
"You all might never be rich. But someday, God might ask you to give up something that is super important to you in order to get another thing. You have to decide which means more." Amanda could clearly hear the old Reverend's gentle voice in her ear once more, and, with a clear heart, she knew what she had to do.
"God." She whispered, as she knelt there beside Olivia's bed, arms wrapped around the pillow, face buried into it. "I don't have much to give. I haven't talked to you in years, and I'm sorry about that. Or maybe I'm not. I don't really know. I guess ….I'll have to think about that. But one thing I do know for sure. I love Oliva. She means everything to me, and that's just the way it is. Right, or wrong. Again, that's a conversation for another time. But right now, I want to make you a promise." Amanda felt her voice crack, and she reached over and placed a hand on Frannie's strong back, taking a deep, steadying breath. "If you let Olivia live, if you bring her back to me, I promise I will never play another poker game, bet a horse race or a football game, never gamble so much as the yearly policeman's raffle ever again in my life. I love her, God. I love her, and I need her. And...please...let her know that she is my everything. Bring her home to me."
Amanda stood up from her knees, taking her phone out of her back pocket with shaking hands. She put in her password, and slowly, deleted every single one of her gambling apps. She smiled to herself as Frannie nudged her hand approvingly, and Amanda patted the dog on the head. "We're gonna find her, Girl. Don't worry about that. We're gonna find her."
Olivia lay in the trunk of the damn car, listening to that God-awful song play on repeat. She thought of everyone in her life that she'd loved and lost. Her mother, who had died when Olivia was only a teenager, with her soft brown hair and eyes of caramel, that had seemed to change with her moods. 'Are you with me now Mom? Olivia thought to herself, wincing as she adjusted against the spare tire. She was hungover, as she often was since being captured by Lewis, and her head throbbed. She remembered how, years ago, when Alex was alive, her girlfriend would hold her close in her embrace when she'd get headaches, stroking her hair and kissing her forehead, massaging away the stress of the job, the stress of life, pouring her love and devotion into every single movement she made. I'm so so scared Alex. Olivia thought to herself, tears pooling in her eyes. I can't do anything. I can't get free, I'm trapped here. I need you. I need Amanda. I need Elliot. Elliot. Elliot would be able to save her, if he was still around. He'd left out of the blue long ago, after a shooting gone bad, and Olivia dearly wished he was here now. He'd save her, swoop in like a knight in shining armour, gun drawn, pulling Lewis over and bashing his head against the glass of his driver's side window. He'd pull her close in his arms and hold her, and she would be safe. Protected. Loved and cared for. He wouldn't ever let anyone hurt her again. But he isn't here. A tiny voice inside of her whispered. He's a thing of the past. He's gone. He taught you how to save yourself. He gave you the tools you need. Just like Mom taught you to be strong, and Alex taught you how to love. But she was broken. She wasn't worthy to wear her shield anymore. Not after what she'd allowed Lewis to do to her. Allowed? WOW Liv. WOW. Do you not believe ANYTHING you tell these victims? Do you not believe anything you told that sweet girl who called you the night Alex died? Seriously Olivia? Lewis didn't ask your permission. You weren't even conscious. He just did as he pleased. It isn't your fault. Amanda will understand that. She'll still love you, and when you get away from this creep, Amanda will be there to hold you, and comfort you and she'll be so so happy to have you back. She loves you, you know. And you deserve that love. You love her too.
"Heeeey Girlly" Olivia jerked away from Lewis's touch, groaning in protest as she was dragged to her feet. Everything hurt. Her back, her head, her heart. No. She had to remain alert. Where was she? THINK OLIVIA. What do you smell? Taste? See? Ok. Five things of each. GO. She smelled the sea air, the overwhelming scent of pine needles, gasoline, cheap cologne that Lewis wore, and...furniture polish? Her eyes darted around her, and she realized they were at a sea house. She grass of the lawn intermixed with sand, and a seagull perched on the powerline right near the traffic camera. Good. That was good. Even if she died here, everything would be recorded.
She knew Amanda would be coming for her. She'd torn off her necklace and left it in one of the vehicles Lewis had left her in, knowing that Amanda would likely bring Frannie, and that wonder dog was able to find her anywhere. God it hurt. Her legs throbbed, but she forced herself to walk inside. The moment she got through the doorway, her world faded to black.
Please. God. Please. Let her still be alive. I promise. I promise I'll never bet again. I just need her back. Bring her back to me. Let me hold her again. Please. That's all I need. I'll never ever ask for anything again. Just bring her to me. Let her be ok. I love her. Amanda repeated the same words in her mind, over and over and over again, as she and Frannie trudged doggedly through the rain, following the taunting trail Lewis had left behind.
She almost sobbed as she found the necklace, holding it to her lips for the briefest of moments, before bending down and letting Frannie sniff it. The dog barked, running in circles with the sheer joy of having Olivia's scent again. Bring her back to me, and I'll never bet again.
When they discovered the lawyer's deceit, Amanda resisted the urge to strangle the bitch, her love for Olivia the only thing that kept her from reaching out and wrapping both of her hands around the lawyer's neck. She barely heard her disclose, reluctantly, the make and model of her parents vehicle before turning on her heel and pelting back to the cruiser, Frannie galloping along beside her. Her heart was pounding in her chest as they drove to follow a lead, the Rhode Island beach houses seeming a million miles away. The trail of death and destruction hammered in her heart, each body, bruised and broken and bloodied played a role in the choose-your-own-horror story turning the pages in Amanda's brain. Was Olivia alive? Was her Liv tied up in a closet somewhere, clinging to life and whimpering for Amanda to come and save her? Was she dead in the ocean now? Was Lewis going there to dispose of her body? Was he raping her? Burning her? Had he set her on fire like he had done to himself in order to burn off his fingerprints? Had he tortured her further, made her watch him kill these poor men and women, made her participate in these sick crimes? Had she had to tie up the individuals, shoot them? Hold the women down while he raped and tortured and burned them? Had she begged him for death? Had she called out for her mother? Amanda would do the very same thing. Had she been shouting for Amanda? For Elliot, for Alex? Amanda hoped Alex was somehow beside her now, hoped that Olivia wasn't alone, wasn't scared or in pain, no matter where she was or what she was doing. She hoped that Olivia knew she was coming. I hope you know how much I love you Liv. I hope you know that you mean EVERYTHING to me.
Olivia stood over him, all the rage, and fire and anger leaving her as she attacked him over and over, beating him lifeless with the steel bar, screaming like a mad woman, her war cries turning to sobs as she sank to the ground. She heard the sirens. It was over. It was over. The woman had called the police, everything was over...over...Oh God. What...what was happening?
"El?" She whispered, feeling something...warm, strong, holding onto her hand. No. No. It couldn't be Elliot. Stabler wasn't there anymore. He'd abandoned her.
"No Honey." Amanda. Olivia looked up into the bloodshot, watery eyes that looked down into her own. Amanda wore a smile, though she looked exhausted and worry worn. "It's me. No..No you don't. Lay back. You're too stubborn for your own damn good. Here….No. Lay down." Olivia made a show of pretending to try to move, to try to sit up, simply so she could have Amanda's soft hand gently rest on her shoulder in an effort to keep her laying down flat.
"Where am I?" Olivia asked her. She had a pretty good idea, but she wanted to be sure. Her memory was….foggy at best.
"You're in the hospital. It's been over twelve hours since they brought you in. Liv! I was so...so worried." Amanda took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, calm her tears before they began to flow. "Someone wants to see I told Nick not to bring her until you were ready. They're still working on your apartment. I told Cap, you'd be staying at mine, unless you want a hotel? Oh Fuck. This is probably information overload!" Amanda broke down, tears flowing from her eyes as she felt Olivia's hand pulling her closer, and suddenly, her head was resting on Olivia's chest and her shoes were off, and they were both sharing the tiny hospital bed. "Livvy…" Amanda whispered. "Im so so sorry. You wouldn't be in this mess if I had just listened to Frannie! I'm horrible. God, I don't see how you don't hate me. Wait...you don't hate me...do you?"
"No. Amanda." Olivia's voice, hoarse and scratchy though it was, was comforting, and safe, and...hers. She felt peace rush through her, relief and exhaustion hitting her at once, and it was like she was a deflating balloon. She felt the tension of the better part of a week leave her, felt herself go limp in Olivia's embrace, feeling the soft hand stroking her hair absentmindedly.
"Im the one...who should be comforting you." Amanda choked out. She heard and felt Olivia's sigh, followed by the soft chuckle and the gentlest of kisses on her hair.
"You ARE comforting me. By being here, laying here in my bed with me. I guarantee that I will have no nightmares with you here. Speaking of, when did you last sleep?" Olivia asked her softly, pulling the extra blanket over them both.
"Are we also counting the nights my angel of a dog kept me up all night? Because if thats the case then….Thursday night?" Amanda couldn't disguise the sleepiness in her voice, the yawn that leapt out of her was so forceful she felt like it lifted her off the bed.
"Go to sleep Amanda." Olivia whispered, her voice filled with exhaustion. "I love you. And yes, I'll be more than happy to stay at your place. I can't wait to see Frannie the Wonder Dog again, and I'm glad she took a bite out of the asshole for me. But right now...I need you to sleep. Because I'm going to sleep too."
"I can't." Amanda whispered quietly.
"And why not? You havent slept in almost a week. I'm surprised you're not hallucinating right now." Olivia seemed more awake at that confession.
"But what if I am? What if I go to sleep, and I wake up, and this was a hallucination? You're not here, you're back with Lewis...and...I cant…." Amanda was crying again, angry at herself for being so emotional, which she knew was a side effect of her self induced sleep deprivation.
"I will be here. When you wake up. And you know what? I think you and I need to have a talk, about everything. I have somethings I want to tell you, my love. I love you so so much. I know its a bit….early to say that...but.."
"I love you too." Amanda whispered, turning and capturing Olivia's lips in the softest of kisses, before relaxing her head on Olivia's chest once more, her love's heartbeat lulling her to a much needed sleep.