Chapter 59: Leah, I'm Sorry

Leah's POV (surprise!):

As I wave Ale and Paul goodbye, I left Jacob and decided to go back to pick up the chairs until I heard voices in the distance. It was Emily and Sam. When I realized it was them, I stopped in my tracks before Sam notices my presence. I was about to walk away to give them privacy, but what Emily said next made me reconsider. I heard Emily saying, "w-what do you mean we should take a break Sam? Are you leaving me?"

Sam sighed, "No, I am saying that it is best if we take time to ourselves for awhile before we get back together and continue with our wedding plans, Emily. I think its best if you go back to the Makah tribe for awhile, Em."

Emily asked, "why, Sammy? Did I do something wrong? Tell me, and I try to do better, Sam. Please don't do this. I need you to stay with me. I'm-I'm your imprint, Sam. How can you go against my needs and wants?"

Sam said, " I'm not Em..Don't you see? It's not me that you need, Em. That's..that's what I realized from my spirit walk."

Emily paused and asked with a soft sob, "then-then what is it that I need since I apparently I don't know what I want and need."

Sam sighed, and I could hear him ruffling in his hair in frustration.

Sam said softly, "You haven't been doing well for a long time, Em. When was the last time that you talked to your family back in the Makah tribe? When was the last time that you went to visit your family? You haven't seen them since you moved in with me.."

Emily cried, "but you needed me to stay close to you, or else it would make your wolf anxious, and I had to be here with you as your imprint, Sam."

Sam said, "I know..I know. I am thankful that you sacrificed so much for me, but I didn't realize that I made you sacrifice too much. I..isolated you from your parents, friends, and family just to stay here with me and help lead the pack as much as you can."

Emily said, "I don't understand what you are trying to say."

Sam said, "Sorry.. .I'm trying to say that you have been living for others not yourself, Em. Because you haven't been living for yourself, you are confused with what you should need and want to what you really need .. You didn't want me as a romantic partner until… Well, let me explain from the beginning and what I realized from my spirit walk."

He continues, "…When I first imprinted on you, I was overwhelmed the intensity of the imprinting bond and being the first wolf. I thought what you needed was for someone to love you but..I realized that me loving you as a romantic partner was a front from you confronting yourself. Before I met you, you didn't know what you wanted in life after high school. You didn't know whether to stay in the Makah tribe and support your tribe or go to culinary school to become a baker. So, when I imprinted on you, what you really needed from me was for someone to show you that it is okay to follow your needs and to have confidence in yourself. Then…when I hurt you… that trauma caused what you originally need to be covered or twisted by your fear and insecurity that no man will ever love you like me…. Your want to feel attractive and wanted by a man became rooted from your fear. Thus, without me nor you realizing, this want became more of a necessity to deal with than you're actual need. ..Sometimes Em, what you want isn't what you need, and..I only realized that until now…That is why don't think you realized it, but you started to try to earn my affections by being a good imprint to me. My wolf spirit sensed that, so he accepted you as his mate and we became a romantic partner for you. …However, as inexperience with dealing with my wolf spirit and being an imprint, I didn't notice that there was a change in your needs and wants. I assumed that we just fall into what was expected from imprinting as we continued to live together and as you slowly accepted me ..and forgave me over time…"

Emily cried, "But, I really do love you, Sam…maybe it was like that in the beginning, but-"

Sam cut her off, "I know, honey. I know you do love me. But, I didn't notice that your need to earn my affections further changed into your desire to please others. I was proud of you when I saw how much you were taking control on feeding the pack and trying to be their pack mama to them. I thought you were trying to fulfill your duties as alpha female, but now I realized, you..were getting anxious that people won't accept you due to your scars so you try to make up the loss of your appearance by being more nurturing than usual..I sensed this constant anxiety from you however, I assumed that it was because you were trying to adjust, so I never asked you about it. You would tell me that you were fine whenever you noticed that I noticed when something was off with you. That was my mistake. I should've pressed more regarding that, but my mind was clouded with being alpha, taking care of the guys, and keeping my own sanity, so I failed to take care of you… I was thankful that you didn't bother to me too much and you were very understanding, but I realized, you were a little too understanding. It is only now that I realized that you haven't been living for yourself, Em. You have been living for others more longer than you should have. As your imprint, I was supposed to stop that.. Because of what I did to you, I didn't fulfill the original need, and with the pressure from the council, it never got resolved. Now you aren't doing too well even after we have been freed from the temporary Alpha and temporary Alpha Female position… I could feel that you are depressed, anxious, and tired Em ..

There was silence between them.

Sam ended by saying, "That is why I think it's time for you to visit home for a while. Reconnect with your family and friends in the Makah Tribe. I'll visit you once a week, so the pull of the imprint won't hurt us too extremely, and I could slowly improve my reputation to your family..I know the real reason that your family let you live with me is because the chief in the Makah tribe and Chief Billy talked good about me. I want your family to truly accept us before inviting them to the wedding. We don't have to have a big wedding for your family to see that you are safe with me.."

Emily said quietly, "..okay..I still don't understand everything Sam, but I am going to trust your judgement..Either way, I do really miss my family and I want to figure out what to do with my life now as…just plain ole me…."

Emily added, "..do you..hate me?'

Sam asked softly, "For what?"

Emily said, "..because I got..insecure, I made you to be my lover..when I know you still love Leah to this day."

My heartbeat started racing to hear what Sam is going to respond to that. I am not ready to hear this, but I was locked in my stance. I didn't know whether to run or stay and listen.

Sam said, "..I don't regret imprinting on you, Emily. I wished it was on a better occasion. Yes, imprinting on you, it took me at a surprise because my feelings with Leah became almost non-existent out of no-where..so it scared me and I guess this is what makes me similar to Jacob. I was stubborn to accept that my time with Leah ended. ..I thought keeping her somewhere deep in my heart, it would help me feel a better person for leaving Leah like I did. I guess I knew how I ended with Leah was pretty bad, but I kept convincing myself that I was doing the right thing as told by the council. I thought by doing that, it would show that it was the imprinting that made me let go of Leah not me…Then when Leah phased and saw that I still had some feelings for her, it only caused her more pain and suffering..My selfishness to keep her while living with you had caused all three of us to suffer..so I want to say I'm..so sorry Emily.."

Emily started to sob loudly, an she hiccuped, "I-I knew you still loved Leah, but I didn't want to push you because I knew..deep down I made you stay with me.."

Sam cooed, "It's okay, Em. You didn't chain me down…...Even though the peacemaker told Leah and I saw what she told her through Leah's mind, I refused to believe it..After my spirit walk, I don't want to admit it but it was true... It wasn't becoming a shapeshifter changed me, I let it change me when it didn't had to. It was me who changed. I didn't handle being phased well, and I let the suffering change me just as Leah's suffering changed her..However, this is one thing that I understood profoundly in my second spirit walk. .. As our destinies started to set with the Cullens continue to live in Forks and more trouble started to brew with them here, Leah then became destined for Jacob. Even if I took my first phasing well, the spirits showed me that we were not compatible in anyway. That is how..I was able to finally let go of Leah.."

Emily stopped sobbing, and she asked, "Really?"

Sam said softly, "Yeah, don't you feel it through our bond?"

Emily muttered breathlessly, "Yeah" as she continued to sob in relief.

Sam said with thick emotion in his voice, "you are the light to my life, Emily.…When I first phased, it was the darkest point in my life. Even though I hurt you, you showed me forgiveness, love, and compassion that I so desperately needed… You kept me grounded despite of the changes that was going with me, and you were there for me every minute of it. ..I truly love you Emily not for what you have been doing for me and the pack, but for you just being you..I hope you would see that as well soon."

I heard them kiss for a long time, and Emily said with a sniffle, "..I am going to go back inside and tell Aunt Sue that I will be going back to the Makah Reservation for some time."

Sam said gently, "Okay, hon. I see you back inside."

She replied, "okay" as I heard the backdoor closes. There was silence. Did Sam catch me listening to their conversation?

Sam said, "Leah, you can come out now. I..know you have been listening, but I don't know how much you have heard."

Shit.

I walked all the way around to the back of the house, and when I turned right, I saw Sam standing there. He looked like death. He had deep black bruises under his eyes. He looked like he lost pounds, and his skin was pale. I knew he looked this bad when he first went to his spirit walk, but he looked like he had a harder time in the spirit walk.

I said nonchalantly, "..I didn't mean to pry..but I started listening when Emily asked you what you were trying to explain."

Sam nodded slowly. There was a pause between us, and I didn't want to stay any longer in front of him. It is not that I am afraid of him or want to avoid confrontation, but I was simply tired. Being the maid of honor for Ale was extremely tiring for the past three days, so I didn't feel like handling him today. Either way, I was planning to talk to him with Jacob about what he realized in his spirit walk and what his plans are going to be now that he is no longer Alpha. I turned around to walk away when Sam called out, "Leelee-"

I cut him off harshly, "Stop. You don't get to call me that anymore".

There was another pause, and Sam said, "Sorry, you're right.."

I started walking away when Sam said, "Leah, I'm sorry."

I stopped, and I turned my head to ask, "For what?"

There is a lot for him to apologize for, so he can't just simply say sorry. It could be for anything, and I am tired of trying to understand him. If he is going to give a bullshit excuse of an apology, then I am not going to listen to it. I will immediately walk away, but I am giving him this once chance. If he blows it then it is on him. I am trying to move on, and I don't need him tailing after me to explain himself.

He said, "I have..so much to apologize for, but I want to start off saying, I'm sorry of how I handled with Bella's pregnancy..I got carried away with being Alpha, abused my authority and silenced you when..you were looking out for your pack. You saw things that I didn't see, but I didn't want to hear you out. ..This is another thing I need to apologize for… I didn't help you to get adjusted to the rest of our pack brothers due to our..past attachment. I thought avoiding you and giving you space, it would help you but instead, I was just running away from you because deep down, I knew how I ended things with you was really shitty. I can blame everyone, but ultimately it was my fault. I didn't handle things with you, and it showed a reflection to how everyone else treated in the pack and I am sorry. ."

I said sharply, "if you are trying to seek forgiveness from me, then I'm sorry…I need it for myself first before giving it to anyone else, especially you."

He said hurriedly, "No! Spirits forbid, no. I am apologizing because..you deserve it, is not for me, but for you….You can hate me all you want, and I understand if you don't want to be near me anyone, but..I..can see that I am holding you back to moving on from me, and I am so sorry, Leah. I didn't realize that me, Emily, and the council did you so dirty. I knew I hurt you, but after coming back from my spirit walk, I see now that we all did a lot more damage than we thought.."

Sam continued, "... I didn't make it easier for you when you became a spirit warrior when you saw that I still had feelings for you…It wasn't because the imprinting connection with Emily was faulty, but me as a man, I was being a stubborn asshole. I thought having feelings for you, it would make me feel better of how I ended things with you, but I just made it worse for everyone. Imprinting is the best that can happen for anyone and how I handled it, it made everyone doubt its sacredness and importance.."

I sighed dramatically and said, " the reason that I am not moving on is from my own issues. Yes, you, Emily, the council, and my parents screwed me over, but it was up to me on how I handled it. It wasn't all on you, Sam. Don't think so highly of yourself. I could've dealt with it more properly, but sadly I didn't. I became bitter, angry, resentful and hateful. I didn't like who I became, but I didn't give a damn. Since no one was acknowledging my pain, I became my own suffering. I let my suffering define me, and I lost sight of myself. All I did to cope was to stay out all day long to avoid my problems..Yes, becoming a female spirit warrior, made it worse, but it also gave me some type of purpose to keep me going…that is what I realized from my own spirit walk. If I hadn't become a spirit warrior, then I would've lived even more of a pathetic life."

When I was in my spirit walk, I met my dad. Dad showed me another future if I hadn't become a spirit warrior, and it didn't look pretty. I would've drowned myself in alcoholism and drugs. I would've attempted suicide many times due to my low self-worth, and I was sent to rehab numerous times by the council. I was only able to have some type of life when I left the reservation. Once I left, I never looked back in that future. Even though it got better, I was still wandering aimlessly when..all along my place was at the reservation. The same place that gave me trauma was the same place where I would've found my happiness. Ironic much.

I continued, "nevertheless..I am glad that you are finally confessing your own mistakes, so what you do at this point on to make it up is on you. I am not going to wait for you to treat me better or whatever. So, go live your own life, Sam. Don't ..feel burdened about me anymore. I am a grown ass woman, and I can take care of my own shit without you worrying about me. I appreciate the thought, but you got Emily to think of now..I just want to wish you guys the best as you two live your own life and I live my own life."

There was silence between us, and Sam said sincerely, "Thanks, Leah…I wish you and Jake the best, really."

Even without looking at him, I can tell that Sam meant it. He..kind of reminds me the Sam that I knew before he phased, so maybe being Alpha really what made him different not the transformation. Oh, whatever. I want to stop thinking about the past. I am tired of trying to make sense of it. I need to focus the present and enjoy it.

I said, "Bye, Sam."

He responded slowly, "Bye, Leah " as he walked in from the back door.

I walked away, and I felt exhausted. I looked up and I noticed that Jacob was waiting for me by his Rabbit. He had his hands in his pocket, leaning against his car. I stopped few feet away from him, and with crossed arms, I asked, "did you know that they were there?"

He replied without any hesitation, "yes."

My nails were digging through my arms, so I asked tensely, "why didn't you warn me?"

He said, "I knew..but I didn't want to stop you because..I didn't want my presence be in a way with you doing what you need to do. I felt that you are more than capable with dealing your own problems without my intervention."

I understand where he was coming from, but I was still pissed because I had to deal with it without warning. I said, "next time, tell me. Let me decide for myself if I want to deal with it or not. Don't decide things for me, kay?"

He said with a half-smile, "Okay, I understand. I won't do that again, Leah."

Oh. Well, that was easy. I was not expecting him to easily apologize for his behaviors. That took me off guard. I am used to men being too prideful to even admit of their mistakes hence Sam barely apologizing to me now. Then again, I really need to stop comparing Jake to Sam. Jake so far have been a saint to me to the point that I feel bad for not reciprocating that to him. It's not like I have been difficult, but I didn't jump into Jake like how Kim and Ale were with their imprints..

He added softly, "But..you did good, Leah. I'm proud of you."

He extended his arms to me as an invitation for me to get comfort from him. I looked at him, and my wolf spirit was yelling at me in my mind GO TO HIM, so I slowly walked to him and let him embrace me. He started purring lowly, and the tension from my shoulder was released. I sighed in relief as the tension was exiting from my body, and I closed my eyes and let myself be hugged by Jacob.

Kiss him! my wolf spirit said.

No I said internally. Jacob has been more than patient with me, but I was still hesitant. Would Jacob and his wolf really accept me when they find out that I gave my first to Sam? Sam was my first for everything. He was my first kiss, first boyfriend, and I gave myself to Sam. Wolves are really territorial and possessive. From how I seen Paul with Ale, imagine an alpha wolf spirit. Would his alpha wolf spirit be cool that I already gave myself to his pack brother before my actual mate? I was young, and I didn't know any better.

I got tensed again from my thinking, and Jacob whispered behind my ear, "what's wrong?"

I said stiffly, "it's nothing."

He got quiet and he pulled himself away from me, grabbed me from my chin to make me look at him. His eyes glowing brightly silver, showing his wolf spirit very close to the front. He asked again with an edge to it, "what is it? You can tell me."

If another person would've done what Jacob is doing, I would've bit his hand off, but since it is Jacob, I didn't mind. He has been more than patient with me despite of having a very dominant alpha wolf spirit. I don't know how he has been able to control himself without making it obvious to me, but knowing that he is really trying to take it as slow as I wanted, I really appreciate it. The real reason that I have been hesitating to go any further with Jacob was because I gave myself to Sam already. I don't know if I am making a big deal out of it or what, but I know Jacob is a virgin. When Jacob first phased, the guys would tease him for saving himself for the 'right' girl. I wouldn't be mindful of this if Jacob had sex already, but he is still a virgin. As his alpha female, I already gave myself to someone, but as alpha, he hasn't. Wouldn't his wolf be pissed about that?

No, he wouldn't. Stop overthinking. Mate will understand. Trust him my wolf spirit said frustratedly. Jacob deserves to know. No matter how much of a pain it is for me to explain it. It is better for Jacob to know now before..I develop even more serious feelings for him.

I looked at him defeatedly, and said, "you won't want me."

He asked with a frown, " and why I wouldn't want you?"

I said with a hollow-like voice and avoiding eye contact, "I'm used goods, Jake..."

He snarled loudly and said demandingly, "look at me."

Fuck. I made his wolf upset. I could hear a little growl rumbling in his chest, so I looked at him without hesitation. He was visibly upset, so I barred my neck in submission to him.

He stopped growling immediately and said, "no, don't do that. I don't need your submission as my mate."

I nodded mutely. He asked, "why are you degrading yourself like this?"

I gulped anxiously, so I said, "..I gave myself to Sam, Jake..You wouldn't want me now..I didn't want you to fight with Sam about this...it was before he phased, so it was really long time ago..I know you are still a virgin..so yeah..that's why"

I felt him trembling as he was struggling to not phased, but he asked in a controlled tone, "is this why you have been holding back?"

I nodded mutely again as he exhaled deeply. He said, "I noticed ..there are times where you want more, then you would be reminded by something then you would pull yourself back..I didn't want to pressure you to tell me. I thought you were pulling yourself back because you are afraid of being with someone..since..you were hurt deeply by Sam."

I sighed and said, "You're ..right. It is that, but it wasn't only on that..I..am not as bothered by the past..The more I focused on now, the easier it got to move forward, but then I be reminded of this so I would be back into focusing on the past."

He said, "I understand."

He caressed my cheek, putting some of my hair back of my ear and he said softly, "Sam may have been your first, but I will be and am your last."

I glanced back at him, and I could feel from the imprint bond that he was being truthful, and he meant every word. When I stared into his brown eyes, there was love and understanding with a hint of sadness. Sadness not because I already gave myself away, but sadness that I was bothered by this and let this get in between me and him.

Well, don't I feel really stupid. I felt myself blushing in embarrassment and frustration with myself.

Spirits, why am I so insecure. This is not me at all, so I asked in disbelief, "really. You're..not mad?"

He nodded confidently as he pulled me forward into another tight hug. He was rubbing my back in circular motions, and I wrapped my arms around him this time. I could feel him purring in happiness that I reciprocated his hug. I smiled internally to myself.

You see? Mate understands. You should've listened to me my wolf spirit said snidely.

Yeah, yeah. I heard you loud and clear. Since this is out in the open, I feel better already, and I don't feel so waited down by it. Without realizing, I felt myself purring too in content. I muttered, "thank you."

He pulled me away, and he said sternly with a low growl, "Don't ever feel like you can't tell me anything. It makes me..us upset that you feel like we are not trustworthy enough to hear you out."

His eyes were blazing silver indicating that his wolf was very present in this conversation, so I nodded and said, "kay."

Liking my response, his wolf spirit let Jacob back in control. Feeling very bold, I thought of teasing Jacob a bit. This conversation got really serious, and I wanted to lighten up the mood, so I gave him a quick peck on the lips. I had a small grin in my face, and I was looking at him to see his reaction. He was frozen in shock with his eyes widen in disbelief and when he was about to lean in for another kiss, I took off running to the front door of my house. One kiss was enough from me. I wasn't ready to make out with him even though I could clearly feel from the imprinting bond, he really enjoyed that kiss and he wanted more.

My wolf spirit was screaming in outrage no, why did you do that? Go back and kiss him some more!

I felt him grabbing my waist tightly with his arms, and I gave a soft squeal. He was growling behind my ear, and it brought my hair to stand behind my neck. He said lowly, "that wasn't very nice."

I said, "and what are you going to do about that?"

He whispered seductively in my ear, "is that a challenge?"

I said with a smirk, "Yup" and I stomped his feet with my heel. Good thing he was wearing shoes, or else with my strength I might've impaled him by accident. Then, I rammed my elbow to his nuts, and he let go of my waist in pain. He was bending over when I took the opportunity to run inside the house and closed the front door partially. I could hear him half-groaning and half-laughing. He shouted mischievously, "alright, Leah. I'll let this go for now, but you'll pay for this."

I shouted, "make me" before closing the door. I heard him walking slowly back to his rabbit before driving away.

The she-wolf strikes again. Haha . Even my wolf spirit was barking in laughter in my mind.

Author's Note:

So, how did it go? Did you like Leah's POV? It was my first time and this was the chapter that I have been working on for the whole week. Because I made this chapter, I was stomped with the wedding chapter. If anyone is wondering about why she sounds insecure and like 'that isn't my, Leah'. This is the last time that you would see an insecure Leah. My thinking was that in order for someone to grow forward from their past, usually a person would be going back and forth from being confident and insecure before they actually start growing as a person, so I tried to do that with Leah. I don't want for Leah to jump into things with Jacob so soon, but I am building their chemistry bit by bit. I hope that's okay.

I know one of you guys asked if things in Ale and Paul's honeymoon are going to be bit boring since Ale gotta be in bedrest. I'll keep it interesting, keke, but I will be using this opportunity to focus on Leah and Jacob's relationship as well. This is still Paul and Ale's centric story, but I would like to build the relationships around them as well. I am still not confident with doing Leah's POV, but I promise, it will be soon where you see Leah on her first date with Jacob.

I am still making the chapter where Leah and Jacob talks about mating season, but it will be awhile before I make that chapter.

I'll send the next chapter tomorrow evening. I am changing my work schedule, so I will be working in the early morning than late afternoons like I have been doing the past month, but with my health issues, it might be exhausting due to my migraines in the morning. We shall see, so if I somehow 'disappear' during the weekdays next week, then y'all know why now. Don't worry, if I can't update during the weekdays, then I will definitely upload them during the weekends.

As always, reviews are very much appreciated.