Kurt rings the doorbell and waits patiently in the growing twilight. He glances down at his watch and winces at the time. Thankfully, Dani doesn't seem to be annoyed when she opens the door.
"Sorry I'm late," Kurt greets Dani with a kiss. "Unique wouldn't let me go."
"Elliott's not here yet either." She takes his jacket and leads him down the stairs to the little basement studio that she and Elliott have rented as practice space. "I'm just glad you were able to squeeze us in. You're what, eight weeks from opening night?"
"Six." He corrects. "Six very short weeks. Those three weeks waiting for the music and scripts made for very inefficient rehearsals so it's an all consuming chaos now that they're here. Unique has stepped up the pressure on rehearsals and all of a sudden, everybody's realized that it's all just half-baked and is scrambling."
"You love it though." Dani says.
"I do. I really do." Kurt admits, as he squeezes into the room. The walls are covered in dark insulating foam and various instruments clutter every surface. His type A personality itches at the disorganization, but Dani would have his head if he tried to clean up—she thrives in the chaos. "I love giving myself over to the character and figuring out what makes him tick and I love watching all of the pieces come together. It's why I did this in the first place. It's rewarding, but gods, is it exhausting."
Between stage direction, dance instruction, costume fittings, and music sessions with Brad and Blaine, Kurt often finds himself collapsing in bed late in the evening only to arise early and start all over again. The intensity drives him, though, as he seeks perfection in the emotional impact of his lines. "Brian" slips on like a wet suit every morning: cocky and self-assured personage, with deep depths of brittle vulnerability that he only shows to those—a trait Kurt recognizes all too well in himself. He wonders if this is why Ryan Durphy picked him to play the autobiographical role.
"Well, thanks for taking time to do this charity show with your old band. It really means a lot to me and Elliott." Dani says, clearing a spot on the sofa and Kurt plops down beside her. "How's Adam? Is it still awkward?"
"Surprisingly no. He's completely over me, I think, and contrary to my fears, working with him has actually been enjoyable. It's fun to lean into the mature, comfortable love of a long-time relationship that Brian and David have, you know. Unique makes sure that every argument we have has that sturdy foundation, so it's a challenge."
"And the songs? Was it worth the wait?" She teases.
"Nothing was worth that wait." Kurt laughs. "The composers are new but talented. They're queer women and I'm pretty sure their motto was to make it as gay as possible. I'm singing more than one love song and then another to our unborn child and even though this is a comedy, it honestly makes me want to cry sometimes."
"Aww, really?"
"When I was growing up, I longed to sing a romantic duet with a boy, with a song written specifically for two men and now I get to sing it for young boys all over the world. And Blaine's amazing on the piano, so it just sounds incredible even in practice. I can't wait to hear how the full orchestration is going to sound."
"Who's Blaine?"
"Hmm? Oh, he's the assistant music director. He's mostly taken over for Brad. He's from Ohio and actually taught for several years where I went to high school if you can believe it."
They talk for a few minutes more, before the door is flung open and Elliott and his partner Chaz walk in. "Darlings!" Elliott declares in a dramatic fashion, "I hope you didn't start without me."
"Of course not. Kurt's just been catching me up on all of the gossip." Dani stands up to greet them both.
Chaz leans down and gives Kurt a hug and kiss. "Good to see you, Kurt."
Elliott looks down at Kurt, a look of confusion on his face. "Kurt? Do I know a Kurt? Oh, you mean, my fake boyfriend who has no time for me?"
Kurt rolls his eyes. "I just saw you yesterday. But speaking of that, I don't think I need you as a fake boyfriend anymore.
Elliott gasps dramatically. "Is it me? Am I not taking care of your needs as your lover? Am I too needy?"
"Yes, it's you. I don't have time to balance faking a relationship along with everything else. Besides, everything is fine between Adam and me and Chandler hasn't gotten any more creepy than he already was. Services rendered."
"Or maybe it's because you have replaced me with—" he pauses dramatically "—your music director?"
Kurt drops his mouth. "What?"
"You mean Blaine?" Dani asks.
"Blaine? Oh, ho, ho, Kurt's been talking about him! Get this, Dani, I go to pick up lover boy here, because I am the best of friends and the best fake boyfriend, only, he doesn't answer his phone and ignores my texts. Luckily, the stage hand knows me by this point because I am the best fake boyfriend ever and lets me in and what do I see? My fake boyfriend flirting, flirting I tell you, with this dark haired, compact cutie."
"No!" Dani gasps in faux outrage. "Kurt was faking cheating?"
"Oh yes. He was doing The Lean."
"The Lean? Are you sure it was The Lean? Because that's deep level flirtation. Did he give The Giggle?"
Ellioot nods seriously. "He did, indeed. Several times. It was as if I didn't even exist."
"You two," Kurt pronounces, "are the worst."
"And yet," Elliott points out with a sadist gleam, "you're not denying it."
Kurt opens his mouth and then closes it. "Fine," he says, "I have a crush on Blaine. Who is very much straight and very much in a relationship, so it's just me being pathetic as usual."
Elliott gives him a puzzled look. "Uh, I was there, and there were definite fuck-me-hard vibes coming from both of you."
Kurt shakes his head. "He's dating the lead actress. Tina. He lives with her. Trust me, he's very much in a committed relationship and is sweet to everybody he meets, just like every other guy that I've ever fallen for."
Dani tips his head on her shoulder. "Aww, I'm sorry, Butt."
"I just let my imagination get ahead of me. It's just, just... He's amazingly good at his job. I've been performing for over a decade now and I've never sounded better. Blaine knows exactly how to address my weaknesses, like when I get brassy or a little flat on a high note. He knew exactly what my problem was and coached me through until every note was solid."
"You've always had a competent kink." Elliott smirks.
"It's not just me. Everybody sounds so good after working with him. I mean, these are seasoned Broadway actors and they all have blossomed under his tutelage. Tina sounds amazing. And he's kind, the kind of kind that gets beaten out of you when you live in this city too long." Kurt groans.
"You're kind too." Chaz interrupts. "And you're not pathetic for having a crush."
Kurt gives them a wan smile. "Thanks."
"Chaz is right, as always," Elliott blows them a kiss. "You should listen to them. Since you haven't listened to me."
"It's nice seeing you with a crush, Kurt." Dani pipes in. "No, really, you've kept yourself so busy for years that you've locked your heart up. Even if this doesn't go anywhere, it's just nice."
Kurt's face is hot from all of the attention. "You all are biased and I hate you. I'll get over it."
"But all I really want to do is go home and sleep for a million years, so maybe we could rehearse sometime tonight?"
"I've got the best idea," Elliott says. "What if we did a cover of 'Lady Marmalade'?"
"No."
"Are you crazy? This is a benefit concert. No."
"Honey, that really isn't one of your best ideas."
Kurt is grateful for the distraction. This, at least, is something that he can deal with.
Despite Kurt's best intentions, his crush on Blaine doesn't diminish.
Kurt, of course, keeps it professional. They're adults and he certainly wouldn't want Blaine to feel awkward. Every morning is spent in the small rehearsal space, Blaine at the piano. Some mornings, it's just the two of them; others, he clusters around the piano with Adam or Tina. It's easily his favorite part of the day. Blaine's exuberant smile, when he coaches Kurt through a trouble spot, is cocaine straight to his heart. In spare moments, Kurt conjoles Blaine into playing his song, that lovely song written just for Kurt that captures so much more of "Brian's" emotional journey than the other songs he's learning. Blaine still demures when Kurt pushes him to show others' his work, but Kurt is nothing if not persistent.
He finds himself making excuses to go down to the rehearsal room for a few minutes and watch Blaine work his magic on the other cast members (Kitty gives him a suspicious look when she catches him lingering around). And if he manages to convince Unique to start stage rehearsals a half hour after their music sessions end, so there's time for coffee at the cafe next door, well, they all need some self care in these stressful weeks, right?
So they talk over coffee about fashion and McKinley and then slowly open up about their dreams and aspirations. Blaine buys them a cookie to split—and an extra coffee for Tina. They sit together at lunch, continuing on their conversation—and Blaine splits his home-packed lunch with Tina, who has stopped glaring at Kurt, but interrupts constantly to ask "Blainey-bear" a question.
Blaine's a great friend, he reminds himself sternly, when he finds himself lost in daydreams again. He's generous and kind and funny and gorgeous and completely off-limits.
A couple of weeks later, Kurt lingers by the edge of the stage, allowing Tina and Kitty time to leave the room, ignoring Kitty's openly suspicious look. They've been in non-stop rehearsals, adding the orchestra this week to their morning singing sessions, and it's been a new challenge making sure their voices and the instruments blend appropriately. Blaine, as usual, has taken it in stride, collaborating with Brad and Unique to merge their visions. Unfortunately, this has meant that their coffee breaks (he refuses to allow himself to call them dates) have decreased in frequency with the increased intensity of stagings and dry-runs. He hasn't seen Blaine beyond the stage in days and he misses him.
So he causally waits, pretending to be reviewing some of his choreography, while Blaine chats with Brad and compares notes and is ready to pounce when Blaine gathers his things to leave.
"Blaine! Hey!" He slides in step next to him, attempting to look and sound casual.
"Oh, hey! You guys are sounding phenomenal, truly. Can you believe we're down to just a couple of weeks now?"
"Yeah, I'm trying not to think about that."
"I may be biased, but I really don't think that there's anything to be worried about. It's nice to have this weekend off though, recharge a little before this last rush, you know."
"I know. It's been a while since I really had a day off."
"You should enjoy it. Have any plans?"
Kurt grabs the opportunity. "I'm performing, I mean, my old band is performing for a benefit concert and I'm singing with them. Would you like to come? I mean, do you have plans for tomorrow night? You said you wanted to get out of the apartment and do something. Um. And of course you can invite Tina. She's welcome to come. Anybody is welcome." He can't stop himself from rambling.
Thankfully, Blaine does it for him. "You're in a band? I didn't know that."
"Was. From college. My friends Elliott and Dani and I formed a cover band in college. Well, it's a little more complicated than that, but yeah. We haven't performed together for a couple of years, but there's this charity concert, so. A reunion." Fuck, he's still rambling.
"I." Blaine pauses for a second and then seems to change his mind on what he was going to say. "I'd love to go. It sounds like it'd be a fun night. And it'd be nice to formally meet your boyfriend."
Oh. Right. Kurt had been so busy recently that he had forgotten about his fake boyfriend. Or breaking up with said fake boyfriend. Kurt hates Elliott for ever giving him the terrible idea of being his boyfriend. "Great! I'll text you the address."
"See you then."
Kurt stands in the relative darkness just off stage at Inclusive, the drag bar they are performing at that night. His palms sweat as he listens as the band on stage takes its ovations. He had thought that he had gotten over any stage fright years ago—but it's also been years since he had all of the spotlight on him and not as a character he's portraying.
Dani and Elliott, along with their new bass guitarist Zen and drummer Taylor (both had joined after Kurt had left the band so he doesn't know them well), do not seem to share his anxiety, given their idle slouching as they wait.
Dani crosses over to him and rubs his arm. "Hey. I can feel you freaking out from across the room."
Kurt gives a wan smile. "Is it that obvious? I don't know why I'm so nervous."
"It happens to the best of us. You're going to be fine."
"Easy for you to say," he grumbles, "You don't have an entire percussion section taking over your heartbeat."
She laughs. "Here," she says, pulling out a tube from her bag. "Nobody can feel nervous with eyeliner on. It'll instantly make you a badass. Now stand still."
Kurt stands still and obediently looks up as she paints under his lashes.
"There she proclaims. "Now you're ready."
"How do I look?"
"Like a smoking hot daddyfucker who's going to pull all of the spotlight from me." Elliott chimes in, slinging his arm over Kurt's shoulders.
Kurt pinches Elliott's side. "I don't know why I put up with you."
"Because your life would be dull and terribly heteronormative." Elliott pouts.
"Darlings," Chaz interrupts, gliding up to them in 6 inch platform heels. They've transformed into their drag persona, KeeWee Deelite, with thick long lashes and bright red lipstick contrasting with their trimmed goatee. "You're up now.' They airkiss all of the band members for luck, before entering the stage to announce them.
Kurt hears "KeeWee" announcing "And now put your hands together for One Three Hill! and Kurt's suddenly pushed on stage.
The spotlight glares down on him, blinding him to the audience. Dimly, he thinks he can hear a concentrated section of hollering and screaming of his name and he throws a saucy wink in their direction. With that, his nerves thaw and his confidence returns. This is his place to shine.
They launch directly into their set, a mix of fan favorites from when they were in college and had a small but devoted following and covers of "It's Raining Men" and "Holding Out for a Hero" that never fail to bring the audience to their feet and tonight is no different. The crowd roars in appreciation.
Kurts sits out a couple of songs when the band plays new music from their latest album. He spots Rachel, who excitedly waves at him from the front row, and Blaine near the middle. Blaine's looking at him, soft and encouraging, seemingly ignoring the rest of the band, and Kurt can't help the soft smile that lands on his face. Blaine's here. Supporting him.
Kurt is so in love with this man.
The band plays the finishing chords and Kurt walks up to the microphone as the crowd cheers exuberantly and then dies down to let him speak. "Thank you for being here tonight and thanks to Inclusive for hosting this special event. Let's give it up for Elliott on guitar, Dani on keyboard, Taylor our drummer, and Zen on bass and we are One Three Hill!"
He pauses, allowing them to absorb their well deserved praise. "In a few weeks, I'll be starring in a new play opening up across the bridge there. Growing up, I thought that as a gay actor, I could either be the sassy best friend or the tragically dead. There weren't happy love stories. And now, now, I'm so grateful to be starring in one, a comedy and a musical. It's about found family and community and realizing that those dreams that you were told you could never have can be yours. I think it's pretty awesome, but well, I am biased.
"I was going to sing you one of the songs tonight, but I ran into problems with Legal as the soundtrack isn't released until Friday." The crowd boos in response. "So instead, I'm going to sing a song written by a dear friend of mine that was inspired by our show. It's called 'Wanted.'"
He closes his eyes briefly, centering himself, and then opens his mouth to sing.
For too long I've lived in shadows
Suppressing all those pesky dreams
Forced in the molds of their making
My voice locked in a silent scream
Kurt can't see Blaine through the lights but he keeps his eyes steady on where he is sitting. The song pours out of him, every word infused with emotion. Behind him, Taylor picks out the beat on the drum and Dani matches on keyboard. His band joins in the background vocals, filling out the sound.
"Wanted" is an anthem of self-acceptance, of finding your dreams, a completely different vibe than their earlier songs, and the queer audience of Inclusive respond enthusiastically, clapping along and joining in for the chorus. Their rapture is infectious and Kurt rides the emotions with them, his voice ringing loud and true.
So tell the doubters and tell yourself
You won't stay down, you've just started.
Your dreams are small but they are yours
And in this world, you are wanted.
The music trails off as Kurt sings the chorus again. "In this world, you are, you are wanted."
The applause is deafening. One Three Hill finishes the night with one last song, the runaway hit from their self-released EP. The crowd response is intoxicating and Kurt hugs Dani fiercely. Chaz, as KeeWee, grabs Elliott and kisses him deeply and the crowd roars louder. Tears prick at his eyes, overwhelmed by it all. He looks out into the crowd, but he can no longer see Blaine.
"Kurt! Kurt" A chorus of voices penetrate the buzz of voices in the lobby where he's been signing a few autographs and CDs and thanking people for coming. He looks up and sees his cast and crew clustered off to the side: Tina and Kitty and the rest of the chorus, Adam in the back with Roz and Unique (who are actually smiling at each other ), Mike their choreographer, Terrence from costumes, and even Chandler. And Blaine, standing slightly away, his hands in his pockets, and his face unreadable.
"Oh. My. God." He squeaks and he can't help the tears that spring to his eyes. "You all came?" He strides over and gives each of them a hug.
"It was Blaine's idea." Tina says.
"Yeah," Kitty chimes, giving him her patented pointed look, "otherwise, none of us would be here because somebody didn't think to invite us."
"I didn't think you'd want to spend your Saturday evening listening to me."
She sniffs and hugs him tightly. "You're our people. What else would we do?"
He turns to Blaine, who hasn't said anything. "I—"
"Kurt! Kurt!" Rachel squeals as she pushes people aside, oblivious to the frustrated looks they give her. She throws her arms around him and he swings her briefly in a circle. "Kurt, you were wonderful!"
"Rachel, glad you could make it!"
"Of course. I couldn't miss my best friend's performance!"
Kurt resists avoiding rolling his eyes. She's missed many of his performances and their friendship struggled those early years after college when she easily found starring roles on Broadway and he didn't. It nearly imploded once when Rachel, unwilling to admit her good fortune, implied that there must be something wrong with Kurt's work ethic if he wasn't getting roles. Thankfully, she had meekly apologized and Kurt forgave her, but their friendship had never been quite the same since then.
"Your voice has never sounded better, not even when we sang in the Midnight Madness, remember that? You've gotten me tickets to your opening night, right? I'll see if I can get my understudy to take over, but it's last minute now. You really should have gotten me tickets a month ago."
"It's already on your calendar." He says patiently.
"But really, Kurt, who is your composer friend? The one who did that beautiful song you sang. Did he write it for you? You must introduce me. Do you think he would write music for me too? Jesse just doesn't have the right touch when it comes to composition. I keep telling him that not everybody possesses all musical gifts, but—"
"Rachel." He interrupts. "You're rambling and you're turning it all onto you again."
She looks a little chagrined at least. "Sorry, sorry. Did I interrupt you?"
"A little. These are my cast and crew from The New Normal. And this is Rachel Berry."
"You're Fanny Price," Chandler breathes in a reverent tone, "in Jane Austen Sings. I've dreamed of working with you for ages."
"Oh, thank you," Rachel cooes and they cluster around her.
Somebody taps him on his shoulder and he turns to see Blaine. "You were … remarkable, Kurt, truly." He says and leans in for a hug. Kurt clutches him close, closing his eyes when Blaine hooks his chin over his shoulder.
"Blaine." Kurt says, pulling back, his eyes searching his beautiful face. He still can't make out the emotions he sees there. "Blaine, I—"
"We should talk." Blaine says, and Kurt's heart cramps in fear.
"Hey, Kurt," and Kurt nearly screams at another fucking interruption. He plasters a smile as he turns to Elliott. Chaz has their arm slung around his shoulders and Elliott's face and neck are covered in red lipstick marks.
"Yes?"
"The band's going out to an afterparty. Did you wanna come? Oh hey, it's your gang!"
"Who's that?" Kurt hears Roz ask.
Chandler's loud voice pips up. "Oh, that's Elliott, Kurt's cheating, whoring boyfriend."
"You're dating Elliott? And you didn't tell me?" Rachel shreaks. Elliott slides out from under Chaz's arm and shoots Kurt an apologetic look.
"Uh, it's new?" Kurt answers.
"That's what you said three months ago." Chandler snipes back.
"And I don't owe you or anybody else any explanations of my dating life." Kurt counters and Chandler frowns deeply but doesn't say anything more.
"You guys go on," he tells Elliott. "Text me the address. I'm just going to say my goodbyes, ok?"
"Sure." Elliott leans in and pecks him on the lips. "I'll see you soon."
When he looks around, Blaine is gone. Kurt stuffs back his scream of frustration.