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They had been married for two months when it happened. Their first, big, screaming, yelling, don't even remember why we are angry and yet we are still angry fight. Sure, they had had big fights before they got married, but something about it being the first one post-wedding made it feel even bigger and worse. Maya genuinely couldn't remember what had started it. She was pretty sure it had something to do with who was supposed to be making sure the electric bill was paid, but she wasn't positive because it ended up with both of them just airing all their grievances loudly and not listening to each other.
After two hours of them just fighting, Maya had pounded both her fists on the table, yelling loudly that this needed to stop.
"You don't just get to decide we are done talking about this," Carina yelled, "You are being just like your dad, so controlling."
The minute the words left Carina's mouth, she regretted saying them, even thinking them, and as she turned to look at her wife, she knew she had fucked up majorly.
"I'm going to um…I'm…I'll be back later," Maya said, trying not to let the tears that were welling up in her eyes out.
"Maya, no," Carina said, neither of them yelling for the first time in over an hour, "Maya…I'm…"
Before she could say more, though, Maya was out the door, Carina sliding down to the floor, head in her hands.
Maya, meanwhile, was running hard and fast. She was glad she was in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt because she ran for close to two hours before going to the station.
It wasn't lost on her that this was exactly what she did when she and Carina had fought about her dad, but Maya had no intention of sleeping with anyone but herself tonight.
C shift was currently working, but from the look of the barn, they were all out on a call. She went up to the gym because even after her two-hour run, she could still hear Carina's voice in her head, telling her she was just like her dad, the one thing she was the most terrified of in her entire life. She grabbed a jump rope, turning it fast, trying to concentrate on the sound of the rope hitting the floor and not the roaring of her thoughts.
As she was thinking about stopping, she suddenly saw someone moving behind her.
"Andy?" she said, not stopping her exercise, "What are you doing here?"
"Luca is teething," Andy said, gesturing to the infant who was strapped to a carrier on her chest, "And he is not feeling very well and Robert is at work and I needed to not be in the house with a grumpy baby and when I was little, I always found this place calming so I brought him here."
"Is it working?" Maya asked, stopping jumping rope, heading over to lift some weights.
"He's not crying," Andy said, "Which is a big improvement. And he actually looks like he might fall asleep which would be great considering he has yet to nap today and it's already almost 4 pm. What are you doing here?"
"I needed to work out," Maya said, putting on a lot of extra weight, more than Andy had ever seen her do before.
"Yeah, ok," Andy said, bouncing a little as Luca started to whine again, "What happened with you and Carina?"
"What makes you think something happened?" Maya asked, face turning red as she lifted the weight.
"Because you only obsessively work out when something is bothering you and this level of workout is only reserved for when you are very pissed or sad," Andy said, sticking her son's pacifier back in his mouth, the little boy settling against her chest, "And since you and Carina have been together, I have never seen you like this when it wasn't related to her so I ask again, what happened?"
"We got into a stupid fight," Maya said, arms shaking as she put the weight back on the bar, sitting up, "And I needed some space."
"What were you fighting about?" Andy asked.
"I don't even know," Maya sighed, grabbing her towel and dabbing her forehead, "But it was bad. It was our first big fight since we got married, and I don't know. I just feel like I am failing at this whole marriage thing."
"You are two months into it," Andy said, shaking her head, "You are not failing yet."
"I think Carina thinks I am," Maya sighed, taking a sip of her water, "Whatever. I don't want to talk about it. I am going to go shower and then do some paperwork or something. Good luck with my favorite godson. Luca, sorry you aren't feeling well. Hope you feel better soon."
Andy sighed, knowing how stubborn her friend was. She pulled out her phone, texting Carina and telling her Maya was at the station, knowing that the Italian was probably freaking out because she was very sure Maya hadn't texted her or told her where she was.
About five minutes after texting, Andy's phone started ringing.
"Hello," she said quietly, having just gotten Luca to sleep.
"Andy," Carina said, "Is Maya ok?"
"She's…what happened?" Andy asked.
"I really made a mistake," Carina sighed, rubbing her forehead.
"What did you do?" Andy asked, going into the longue, hoping maybe she could finally sit down after spending the past six hours pacing and swaying and trying to get Luca calm.
"I…we were fighting and I told her she…she slammed her fists down on the table and said we needed to stop the fight and I was mad and…" Carina took a breath, not even wanting to say what she said our loud again because she was so ashamed of having said it, "I told her she was acting like her dad."
"Carina," Andy said, not sure what to say, "Yeah, you are right, you messed up big."
"Lo so," Carina said, wiping the tears from her eyes, "I was just mad and I didn't mean it."
"I know," Andy said, "And Maya probably does too deep down, but Carina, you know how sensitive that is for her."
"I know," Carina said, "I know. I need to come apologize and get her to come home."
"Well, she is in her office right now," Andy said, "And it's just me and Barnes who's on desk here. I'm going to stay here for a while so I can keep an eye on her."
"Grazie," Carina sighed, "I will be there soon."
Andy hung up her phone, looking down at her son who was still sleeping.
"Should we go check on Tia Maya?" she said softly, kissing his too warm forehead, "I think we should. Tia Carina made a big mistake today."
Andy got up, grabbing a stroller they kept in storage for Safe Surrender babies, but she had been using for Luca since he was born. She carefully transferred her sleeping baby into the stroller, making sure to keep his pacifier in his mouth, before wheeling him to the desk.
"Hey, Barnes, can you keep an eye on Luca for me?" Andy said, "I need to go talk to Maya."
"Of course," Barnes nodded, "Is everything ok? Cap seems very…off."
"Just some personal stuff," Andy said, "If Carina comes, let her in, please?"
"Of course," Barnes nodded.
"And if Luca wakes up, come get me," Andy said, looking at her sleeping son.
"Will do," he nodded, tucking the stroller further behind the desk.
Andy glanced at the sleeping baby one more time before going to the office door, knocking on it softly.
"Yeah," Maya called out, her voice clearly shaky.
"Can I come in?" Andy asked, opening the door.
"Yeah," Maya said. Andy walked in, seeing Maya sitting in her chair, her hair damp from the shower, eyes red as she was texting someone.
"Who are you texting?" Andy asked, closing the door behind her.
"A lawyer friend of mine," Maya said, biting her lip, "I need to get divorce papers drawn up."
"Maya, what the hell?" Andy said, looking at her friend, "You have one fight and you are going to get divorced? That is not how marriage works. You need to go home and the two of you need to talk."
"Maybe not your marriage, but I think that's how mine is going to work," Maya said, picking her phone back up and sending another text, "Look. I need to get some work done, so can you just go? I'm sure you have better things to do here than be here. Where is your kid? Doesn't he need you to take care of him."
"He finally fell asleep and Barnes is watching him," Andy said, "He's fine. It's you I am worried about. Maya, you cannot give up on your marriage."
"I'm not giving up, Andy," Maya said, standing up, "But I cannot keep Carina trapped in a marriage that is not healthy for her. Andy, she told me I was being like my dad, and I promised myself that if I ever started acting like him, I would remove myself from the situation and let Carina go because I cannot hurt her like he hurt my mom and Mason and me for so long. It's not fair to her to keep her trapped in a marriage that is going to become toxic. I knew I wasn't cut out for marriage and I should have just left her alone, not gotten attached because now, I am hurting her and that is the last thing she deserves from anyone, least of all me. I don't deserve to have love because all I know how to give out is pain."
"Oh Maya," Andy said, walking over to her friend who was sobbing, wrapping her arms around her, Maya not reciprocating, "That is so far from the truth."
"It is though," Maya argued back, still not hugging Andy but not pushing her away, "I am a terrible wife and I am just hurting Carina by being married to her and I don't deserve to be with her or anyone else because I am a monster."
"No, you're not," a voice from the door said, making both Andy and Maya look over there, "You are the furthest thing from a monster."
Carina stepped into the office holding a very grumpy looking Luca.
"He woke up crying," Carina said as Andy came over and took her son.
"He's teething," Andy said as Luca snuggled close to her, pulling on his ear, "And it is not going well for him. I'm going to go try to calm him back down. I'll be upstairs if you need me."
"You should go," Maya said, not looking at her wife as she sat down in her chair, "I'll come get my stuff out of our house when you're at work this week and stay here until I can find something else and I am talking to a lawyer about the divorce papers so you'll get those when they're done."
"What?" Carina said, confused, "What are you talking about…Divorce…moving out…Maya, we had a fight. We are not getting a divorce."
"I cannot stay with you," Maya said, shaking her head, "Our marriage isn't working so we should just end it now."
"Bambina, what?" Carina said, "I am not ready to call it quits. Our marriage is still just fine."
"Carina, I cannot keep hurting you," Maya said, still not looking at her wife, "I cannot live with myself if you get hurt and I'm responsible and I am not going to let you get abused because I am inevitably going to become like him and hurt you and I want to stop before I get to that point."
"Maya, look at me," Carina said, squatting next to her, lifting her chin so their eyes were meeting, tears streaming down Maya's face, "You are not like your dad. I was angry and I lashed out at you and that was not fair of me and I am so sorry."
"You don't say things you're not thinking," Maya said, "I cannot live with myself if I hurt you, and if I am being even a little bit like him, I cannot let you have to deal with that. You deserve love and light and nice."
"Bambina, I want you," Carina said, "You are not like your father. You hitting that table, I was being ridiculous and would not be quiet because of my stupid Italian temper and you were right, we did need to stop and you had been trying to get my attention and I wouldn't listen and that is on me. Bambina, I said that out of anger and it was unfair and unkind and untrue and I am so sorry."
"I'm sorry I smacked the table and that we were even fighting at all," Maya said, wiping at her tears, "I don't even remember why we were fighting."
"Neither do I," Carina said, wiping a tear from her own eye, "I am so sorry for what I said. I promise that no matter how mad I get at you, I will never, ever compare you to your dad again."
"Don't promise that" Maya said, shaking her head, "Because when I inevitably start doing the things he did, I need you to call me out on them so I can get out before I hurt you."
"Bambina, hey," Carina said, "You are not going to hurt me. You are not like him. You have grown and changed so much because of the hard work you put into your therapy. And this, right here, you telling me you don't want to be like your dad, is the reason I am confident you will never be. Bambina, I want you to have as much faith in you as I do. I love you so much."
"I love you too," Maya said, voice filled with tears.
"Come here," Carina said, opening her arms to her wife.
Maya hesitated for a minute before crashing into her arms, sobbing as she did. Carina pulled her up, walking them into Maya's bunk and laying them down on the bed so she could comfort Maya better. They laid there for a long time, both of them crying for the better part of an hour before there was a knock on the office door.
"Stay here," Maya said, getting up, wiping her face as best as she could, knowing she still looked like a disaster.
Just as Maya was about to walk into the office, the door opened, Andy walking in with Luca back in his carrier, sleeping again.
"Hey," Andy said, "How are you guys doing?"
"Better," Maya said, rubbing her eyes which were burning, "Did you need something?"
"I just wanted to see if you guys needed anything before I go home," Andy said, "Luca is finally actually sleeping, and C shift is back so I'm worried the alarms will go off and wake him up."
"We are good," Maya said as Carina came out of her bunk.
"Well, I will see you both later," Andy said, "Call me if you guys need anything."
"Same goes for you," Carina said, "Good luck with the bambino."
"Thanks," Andy said, nodding as she left.
"Are you ready to go home too, Bambina?" Carina asked, knowing that even though they had reconciled, Maya might still be mad at her for what she said, and she had every right to be because what Carina said was horrible.
"Yeah," Maya nodded, "I'm tired. I ran for like 2 hours and then did another hour of time in the gym."
"I'm sure you are tired," Carina said, shaking her head, "That is not a good way to treat your body."
"Yeah, I know," Maya said, "I just…"
"You don't have to explain it to me," Carina said, shaking her head, "I am not mad. We both did things today we should not have."
Maya nodded, straightening up her desk a little bit before they headed out the door. They drove home, going inside.
"Do you want me to make some dinner?" Carina asked, seeing it was already almost 6 pm, knowing neither of them had eaten today.
"I'm not hungry," Maya said, shaking her head, "I think I'm going to go sit outside for a little bit."
"Ok," Carina nodded, "I am going to make myself something and I'll make extra if you are hungry later."
Maya nodded, wandering out into their backyard, something she was still getting used to having after living in an apartment for all of her adult life. She went and got into the hammock they had hanging between two trees, always finding calm there.
About half an hour later, Carina came out into the back yard, going over to her wife.
"Hey," she said, drawing Maya's attention, "I made pasta alla norma if you want some."
"Thanks," Maya said, offering a gentle smile, "I don't feel super great right now but maybe later."
"Ok," Carina nodded, knowing Maya usually did not eat when she was upset and would sometimes actually throw up if it got bad enough.
It was all part of how her dad had trained her, withholding nutrition if he was unpleased with her. Carina would sometimes push it, but tonight, she knew that was not the move.
Carina ate her own dinner, cleaning up the kitchen before going out to the hammock.
"Can I join you?" Carina asked, looking at her wife.
"Yeah," Maya nodded, readjusting so Carina could get in the hammock with her.
Carina climbed in, wrapping her arms around Maya.
"I was thinking about something," Carina said, "And you can tell me no if you don't want to or don't feel ready or anything like that, but how would you feel about maybe trying some couple's counseling? Not because I think our marriage is so bad that we need it, but because I don't want it to get to a point that it's so bad that we can't save it. I just…"
"Carina, I think it's a good idea," Maya said, pushing herself up a little so she could see Carina's face, "I think it would be good. If I have learned anything from being in my own therapy, it's that it's better to catch things before they get so bad because they're easier to fix."
"Ok," Carina nodded, "I will try to find one."
"We can do it together," Maya said, laying back down, "Tomorrow."
Carina nodded, holding Maya close.
"I'm sorry today got so bad," the Italian said, "And I'm sorry for what I said."
"I forgive you," Maya said, pressing a kiss to Carina's cheek, "And now, can we please drop it? I don't want you to keep feeling bad about it. It's done and we can't change what happened."
"Si," Carina nodded, holding Maya a little tighter, "I love you so much Bambina. Don't ever forget that."
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