A/N: Getting closer to getting Morgan home! This chapter has a little more drama, but I like it. Helps our lovely couple grow. Enjoy!
Harm's body flushed with panic. His son was missing. Well, not missing. He was just not in the room he'd left him in. The NICU room had clearly been vacated and prepared for another patient, which begged the question: where was the last patient?
"Can I help you, sir?" the young nurse asked. He recognized her to be one of the night shift nurses who had taken care of Morgan earlier in their stay. He wasn't surprised she didn't recognize him, it was the first time he'd been at the hospital in uniform.
"My son…?" he gestured towards the empty room.
"Oh! Harm…er…Mr…" her eyes caught on his stripes. "…Captain Rabb!" she finally managed. He smiled briefly and waved her off, less concerned about his rank and more concerned about his son. "Morgan was transferred to the general pediatrics ward this afternoon, room 2015." With a nod, Harm jogged in the direction she was pointing.
"Mac?" he asked as he poked his head into room 2015. The sight before him stilled him. Mac stood in the middle of the room, cradling Morgan. The baby looked pink and healthy, but most noticeably unattached. He was no longer tethered to the wall by his oxygen, the bulky IV pole holding the various pumps sat abandoned in the corner and for the moment he wasn't hooked to the heart monitor. Also, if the traditional crib in the corner was any indication, he'd graduated from the incubator as well.
"Hey," Mac greeted, the brightest smile he'd ever seen stretched across her face. "We've had a big day," she mentioned.
"I can see that," he replied, passing his cover from one hand to the other. "He looks good." He ran a hand over the baby's downy hair.
"So do you," she countered, taking a long look at him in his crisp service whites. He smiled, just a hint of color coming to his cheeks. She reached a hand up to run her fingers over his fresh regulation haircut and pulled him in for a sweet kiss. "How was your first day?" A grimace flashed across Harm's face.
"Tell me about your day first," he deflected. She narrowed her eyes at him, but let it slide for the moment. It was clear he would talk about it when he was ready. Plus, she had been waiting most of the day to tell him about Morgan's progress.
"Well, obviously they discontinued his oxygen and moved him out of the NICU," she beamed. He nodded, her enthusiasm was infectious. "He has gained more weight and has sustained his body temperature," she added. Harm could tell she was holding back, saving the best for last.
"And?" he prompted, hanging his cover on the hook by the door.
"And he passed his swallow study this morning, they want to start him on bottle feeds!" she was almost shrieking in delight. This was what they had been waiting for. Morgan was meeting his milestones. It wouldn't be long now before he was home with them and their true parenting journey began.
"That's great, Mac," Harm chuckled. "That's great." Hope filled his chest in the same way it did when Mac walked into McMurphy's in her red dress nearly two months earlier after agreeing to marry him. Hope for the future. Their future. "May I?" he gestured to the boy.
"Of course. He's due for a feed soon, if you're feeling ambitious,"
"When am I not?" he retorted, cheekily. "But before I do…" he trailed off, stripping down to his undershirt. Service whites were unbelievably tedious to keep clean on their own and a baby was only going to make that harder. He figured he'd do what he could. Mac let out a laugh as she patiently waited for him to hang the shirt with his cover. A moment later, Harm had the tiny baby tucked against his chest. Mac watched every muscle in her husband's body relax as he gently swayed their son from side to side. He was obviously carrying whatever happened during his first day at his new post, but she was glad he was finding solace in his family.
"I'm so glad you had a good day," he cooed at the little boy. "I, on the other hand, had a terrible day. But you and your mom are making it so much better." He shifted his hold so he could rub noses with Morgan, the same way she always did with Chloe. The child blinked wildly at the closeness of his father's face.
"First day at the new commission is always hard," Mac voiced softly, speaking from experience. And it only got harder the higher you were ranked. No one loves a new boss on day one. However, the look on her husband's face told her she had missed the mark completely. He looked almost haunted. "Harm?"
"I should have read my personnel files more closely before I took command." He mentioned flatly. Mac quirked an eyebrow at him. "The vacancy in my office was previously filled by one Lieutenant Abigail Casey." Mac's eyes fell closed as she took the full brunt of that statement. She's been so wrapped up in getting Morgan from one day to the next that she'd forgotten about his first day. The day his mother died bringing him into this world. The mother that apparently would have been under Harm's command had she lived.
"Oh Harm," she sighed. "I hadn't even…" she trailed off.
"I know. We've practically been living in a vacuum for the last month. It just kind of threw me." He nodded. "I never considered she could have been under my command," Harm glazed over the situation. He wasn't ready to confront the feelings the day had stirred up in him, especially when Morgan was having such a remarkable day.
"Do they know you're adopting her baby?" she wondered.
"Since the adoption isn't final, I wasn't sure what to say. Like you said, being the new commanding officer is hard enough. To mention you're also adoption the child of their fallen comrade on day one might gave been more than any of us could handle," he sighed. Mac nodded.
"We can call Lydia and see what she says. It's probably going to be best to be as honest as you can with your people, even if it's awkward," she set a comforting hand on his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. Harm made some noise of agreement. "And maybe when he's home we can throw a housewarming. It'll be a good way for you to get to know your new coworkers and they can all meet Morgan. I mean, eventually I want him to know about his biological parents and these people can help us fill in those blanks," Mac suggested carefully. She could tell he still needed time to process the day and she didn't want to overwhelm him with her Marine 'find the quickest solution' tendencies. He smiled tightly and nodded again.
Harm appreciated Mac's idea and more than likely it was what they would end up doing, but it was another reminder of how much his life had changed over the last month. He could count on one hand the amount of times he opened his home to people and even then it was something last minute or informal. He wasn't used to inviting people into his life and to be honest it was not something he was very good at thus far. The insecurity tightened the knot that was already developing in his stomach.
"Ok, who is doing the honors?" a harried looking nurse came in with a tiny bottle floating in a steaming paper cup. Her entrance into the room was a welcome distraction, effectively ending a conversation that was only going to get more uncomfortable for all parties involved.
"I think I am," Harm smiled, shifting Morgan in his arms.
"You've fed a baby before?" Her tone was not condescending, just information gathering.
"Uh, yes. My godson. But it's been awhile," he admitted with a nervous laugh.
"You'll do fine. Just remember his belly is small and he is not used to the bottle. He may only take an ounce, but if he does that without complication we're headed in the right direction," the nurse informed. She handed Harm the bottle and watched for a moment to make sure there were no immediate issues. "Do you guys mind if go check on my other kiddos?" she asked.
"I think we'll be ok," Mac smiled, standing at Harm's elbow, watching her son eagerly take his dinner.
"Flip on your call light if you need anything," the nurse said as she left the room.
"Harm, why don't you sit?" Mac suggested gently. Her husband was completely entranced by the baby in his arms. "Harm?" she tried again, setting a hand on his arm.
"hmm?" his eyes still didn't leave Morgan.
"Come in for a landing, flyboy," she chuckled.
"What?" Harm's attention finally broke, his head snapping up.
"Have a seat," she urged, ushering him towards the couch under the window. He did as he was told, but quickly turned his attention back to the baby. Mac was a little envious, watching Harm experiencing one of Morgan's firsts. However, she knew there was a chance he might miss other ones being as the Navy hardly cared if you were around for your son's first words or steps. So she was happy to let him have this one.
"Mac…" Harm's voice broke through her musings. "What…I don't…" he stammered. She looked down to see Morgan rejecting the bottle and starting to spit up.
"Oh, he probably needs to burp," she replied instinctively. "Come here, sweet boy," she took the baby and sat him up in her lap, one hand splayed across his chest, the other patting his back.
Harm let Mac finish Morgan's feed, happy to sit back and watch. From there they fell into what had become their nightly routine. They passed the baby back and forth, grabbed a mediocre meal from the cafeteria, and waited for doctors to do their evening rounds.
It had also become a way for them to get to know those details they had missed over the last decade as long days at the hospital left lots of time for conversation. However tonight, a near silence hung between them. They discussed a couple projects they wanted to work on at their new house, but didn't delve too deep into any subject.
At one point Mac stood to change Morgan's diaper. He was amazed at the practiced ease with which she did it. She was already an amazing mother. It came so naturally to her. It was bittersweet in a way. He knew how desperately she wanted to carry a baby and she'd initially feared adoption wouldn't be enough to fill that need. However seeing her with Morgan made her fears seem unfounded. She looked more complete and content that he'd ever seen her in the past decade. He imagined it was something akin to the way he looked every time he stood on the flight deck of a carrier. With that thought, his mind shifted back to another couple of naval aviators. Two fathers who were robbed of the opportunity to see their sons grow up. His and Morgan's. It was a bond he would always have with his son and it wasn't something he'd really thought about since they arrived in London. But it came roaring back to life when he walked into his new office that morning and saw the grief all over his new coworkers faces. He let out a long sigh.
"You ok?" Mac asked, lifting Morgan out of the crib to rest against her shoulder.
"Just tired," he lied. She probably didn't buy it, but he didn't really know how to explain what he was feeling at the moment.
"I'm just going to get him to sleep, if you want to head home. I'll meet you there," she offered. He nodded and stood from the couch. He ran a hand over Morgan's back and then kissed his wife. He had about a million things he needed to do for tomorrow and maybe a little time to himself would help him ease the knot in his stomach.
Mac watched her husband leave. She could tell he was still bothered by the morning's events. For a while Morgan's success has distracted him, but as the evening wore on she watched him pull further into himself. Anxiety gnawed at her. This was the first time since they been married that they had to test their coping mechanisms and history told her neither of them had the healthiest of habits on that front. She hoped he would realize he was not alone anymore, but she wasn't feeling optimistic.
Harm was walking out of the home office when Mac arrived. A smile came to her face. It was rare he was so undone and loose limbed, in his sweatpants and T-shirt.
"Hey," she greeted.
"Hey yourself," he returned, pulling her into his arms and just holding her for a moment. "I can't believe how great Morgan is doing," he said finally.
"I know," Mac leaned back in his arms so she could see his face. "We're going to have him home soon," she beamed.
"I can't wait," he returned her smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Are you ok? About work?" She checked.
"I am. Like I said it just caught me off guard. I could feel their grief and I just didn't know what to do," he disclosed.
Mac smiled ruefully. She knew this conversation was far from over, but the fact that he'd opened up a little more about his day pacified her for the time being.
Harm laid in bed looking at the ceiling for a long time. He'd tried to sleep but it just wouldn't come. Mac had been out for hours and he didn't want to wake her so he decided to take his struggle to the living room. His mind kept rolling over the day's events. He'd been confronted with Morgan's loss for the first time. It spun him back to his own, something he thought he was finally moving past. And somewhere down the line, he would have to explain to Morgan the sacrifice their fathers had made for their country. It was a sacrifice he'd signed himself up for as well and had nearly achieved at least twice. It was a sobering thought that he was one bad flight from following this unfortunate pattern. Morgan could suffer a parental loss for a third time. It was a lot to wrap his head around.
"Can't sleep?" Mac's voice called in the dark. She stepped up behind the couch and slid her arms around his neck, placing her chin in his shoulder.
"Yeah, did I wake you?" He asked, bringing his hand up to cover hers.
"Not really. But I noticed you were gone," she replied. "You ok?" She asked for what felt like the millionth time in the last twelve hours.
"Just adjusting," he assured her. She hummed in understanding. She decided to give him leeway. Everyone needed time to process things.
"Come back to bed," She insisted, pressing a kiss to the juncture of his neck and shoulder. "I'll wear you out, I promise," she teased, her lips moving up towards his ear, pulling to lobe between her teeth. He chuckled, deciding to surrender to her. It wasn't like he was going to sort out the mess in his head at the moment.
It was the third night Mac woke up in an empty bed. She tossed back the covers and went to find the missing occupant.
"This has to stop," Mac announced and she found her husband in the living room for the third night in a row. She'd talked him back into bed the first night, let him stew the second night and tonight she wanted to get to the bottom of it.
"Mac, I'm fine. It's just some insomnia. It comes and goes. You know that." Harm deflected.
"For me maybe. You only lose sleep when something is bothering you. And something has been bothering you since you reported to your new job." She wasn't buying it.
"It's a new command, Mac. I'm a Captain now with new responsibilities. It's an adjustment," he gave her an obvious excuse.
"Harm, stop. You're a terrible liar." She scoffed.
"What?" his eyebrows knitted together, not liking her accusation.
"It's written all over you, Harm. You're hurting. I've been through enough with you to recognize it and the fact that you think I wouldn't is insulting, especially as your wife," she called him out and in typical Harmon Rabb fashion, he just stared at her. When he opened his mouth to say what she was sure was something along the lines of 'I don't want to talk about this' she cut him off. "I get it, Harm. We both have our ways of coping that were developed when we had no one in our lives to lean on. Neither of us is naive enough to believe that those habits suddenly disappear because we got married. But you're far worse about it than I am. I was there when you got the news that your father had died, hell, I was the one who had to tell you and still you wanted to deal with it on your own. I don't know why you feel you have to hurt alone."
"My father's death had nothing to do with you. I had burdened you enough with it," he explained, lamely. She barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
"It wasn't a burden," she sighed. "But even if that is your theory, whatever you are dealing with right now has to do with Morgan, our son. And that has everything to do with me," she added.
Harm shook his head. "It's not about Morgan," he started, not really knowing where he was going with that statement. He felt it was the truth though; his hang up was with himself. He felt inadequate. He wasn't sure how he would walk Morgan through the loss of his biological parents when he was still coping with the death of his own father thirty plus years later. And he couldn't help but feel guilty about how much he loved being the Navy and more importantly loved flying, both things that could take him away from his family in a second. He just couldn't tell her that. His ego wouldn't let him. Even if she was his wife.
"Harm, I've told you I don't like to be a mind reader, and this is no different. So instead of outright begging out you to tell me what's going on with you, I will tell you this: I need you. I have given up almost everything I've known for the past fifteen years. My career, my home, my structure and in a few weeks we are bringing home a baby that is going to need most of my energy and attention..."
"Mac, you told me to stay in the Navy. You said this was what you wanted," he objected. He knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as it left his mouth, but he felt backed into a corner and he reacted defensively. Mac's eyes flared.
"I know, it was my choice and I stand by it," she bit out. "But regardless of whose idea it was, it's a lot of change. I'm barely keeping it together. The only reason I am is because I know I am not alone. So please, don't leave me alone," she finished. Silence settled around them. She could tell he was grasping for another excuse or deflection and she wasn't going to stick around to hear it. "I'm going to spend the night with Morgan, at least there I won't have to sleep alone," she decided, moving towards the door to grab her coat and shoes.
Harm just stared at the door as it closed behind her. He suddenly felt hollow, the best parts of him walking out with her. Before he could think about it, he stood from the couch and went to put some clothes on. He'd made the mistake of not following her in the past and he paid for it in spades. He refused to do so again, the cost was too high.
Mac knotted her hands together to keep them from shaking as she sat down on the couch in Morgan's hospital room. As much as it would soothe her to hold her son, he was sleeping soundly and she didn't want to disturb him. She told herself she wasn't running away, that she was just giving herself space. However, she realized this behavior made her nearly as guilty of falling back on old habits as he was. Unleashing on him and running away before he could appropriately respond was a tactic she had used many times in the past when she wasn't sure she wanted to know what his response would be. His reaction to that was always volatile and unpredictable. He could be willing to fight or completely fold in on himself for days, weeks or even months if he felt so inclined. She wasn't sure what she had just done to them.
"This has to stop," Harm's voice announced his presence. He was leaning against the doorframe, an amused smile playing at his lips as he echoed her earlier statement. She sagged against the couch with relief. He'd followed her.
"Harm, I…" she started, but he held a hand up to stop her.
"My turn," he shifted, crossing his arms across his chest. "I've made a lot of mistakes with you and unfortunately I am a slow learner. But after our blowout on the Guadalcanal when you walked away without hearing my answer, I promised myself I would always come after you. Then Paraguay happened and I realized just coming after you wasn't enough. I actually had to do something once I got there, so I'm here to try that. I kindly ask you to stick around for the duration of this experiment," he announced, his tone was pointed, but his eyes were soft. He crossed the room and stood at the side of Morgan's crib. "You know, this is the first time in a long time, I am actually scared," he admitted softly. "I mean even with Mattie she could at least tell me what she needed and I knew what I needed as an angry teenager. Plus that was only temporary, I knew she would move on from my care. With him I have his whole life ahead to make mistakes and I have no idea what he'll need. And balancing that with what you need from me as a husband makes me feel somewhere between overwhelmed and inadequate." He was surprised at how easy it actually was to tell her what he was feeling once he gave himself permission.
"Why didn't you say something?" Mac sighed, having a feeling she already knew the answer.
"Well, I have this ego…"he smiled wryly.
"I hadn't noticed," she deadpanned.
"I've been watching how naturally how all of this has come to you and I just couldn't tell you how daunting it seemed to me. I, I barely knew how to feed him earlier and God forbid I ever have to change a diaper," his tone was laden with frustration.
"Harm, that is how every new parent feels. You're the one who reminded me of that. And believe me when I tell you it looks better than it feels. I am taking this one task at a time just like you. He is not like any other baby I've ever been around. I mean he's four weeks old and this is really the first time we've been able to do anything for him on our own. Our learning curve with him will be different, but we'll get there," she tried to assure him, just like he had weeks earlier when she wasn't sure they were prepared to bring a baby into their lives.
"That's just it, Mac. There's so much more to him that scares me. We have this bond, he and I. We belong to a club of people who lost their fathers to the sky and the worst part is I will have to be the one to tell him that. I am so afraid that I won't be able to help him understand that when I barely understand how it happened to my own father. And what does it say about me as Morgan's father, knowing the losses we've both suffered and still being willing to walk out of this room and climb into the cockpit of a fighter jet without as second thought?"
That prompted Mac to stand, moving next to him and taking him into her arms. This was it. This was what was hurting him. They had joked about Morgan being the son of a Naval Aviator, but until this very moment she hadn't appreciated the gravity of that statement. Of course Harm would feel that loss acutely, it was something as familiar to him as breathing.
"I don't want him to carry the same burden I did, whether it is for his biological father or me," Harm spoke against her neck.
"He won't have to. The fact that you are thinking about this years before it will ever be on his mind tells me he will be just fine. We'll figure it out. And as for you, I don't want you to feel guilty about flying. Just because you're a father now, that doesn't mean you stop being you. You'll find your balance there too," she whispered, her fingers carding through the short hairs at the base of his skull. "I love you," she added, turning her head to press a kiss against his temple.
Harm straightened up and locked his arms around her waist. " I love you too," he replied. "and I'm sorry I isolated you."
"And I'm sorry I walked out. We'll get better at this," she promised, leaning up to capture his lips in a sweet kiss. " And for future reference, all I need from you as a husband is this. Is that so bad?" she grinned.
"I've been through worse," he shrugged, dipping his head and kissing her again.
"Oh, you scared me. I didn't expect to see you guys back until morning," the night nurse interrupted.
Harm looked down at Mac and then back at the nurse. They probably looked like quite the pair, half sleep mussed and in their pajamas. "We needed some family time," he settled on the easy explanation.
"Of course, take all the time you need. I am just going to grab a set of vitals," the nurse smiled, shuffling around Morgan's crib.