Pirates
Chapter 1
"Nick, there's no way you can expect the army to go for this clause," Jarrod explained for what felt like the n'th time. "The army is not interested in going over the herd with you, horse by horse, to agree on which horses they are going to buy and which you want to keep."
"Why not?" Nick asked.
"Because they don't have the time!" Jarrod said. "They want 40 horses – not 39, not 38 – 40. They want to be in and out with the horses they looked at. They don't have a lot of time to haggle over individual horses. If you have specific horses you want to keep, you should have just not shown the army the whole herd."
"I got busy and I made a mistake when I had Galbreath show them the herd," Nick said. "I'm just trying to fix it."
"It's not fixable at this point," Jarrod said. "You signed the contract as it is and they're not gonna go for a new amendment to it."
Nick idly picked up one of Jarrod's law books and flipped it open. His attention was drawn to what looked like an explanation of the law that was telling somebody involved in this case that they weren't going to have any more luck than he was having with his older brother. At least that's what it looked like. To Nick, it was like reading gibberish. "Do you really understand this stuff?" he asked.
Jarrod pinched the bridge of his nose to try to get rid of the headache Nick had given him. "Better than I understand you most of the time."
Heath came into the study and saw Jarrod in his headache position and Nick putting the book back on the shelf. "Whatever Jarrod said, I'd take his word for it," Heath said. "You're not gonna understand a word in that book. I've tried."
"I went through years of law school and reading law with a firm to learn how," Jarrod said.
"Why?" Nick asked.
Jarrod looked up. "What?"
"Why? Why did you decide you wanted to be a lawyer instead of running the ranch? Not that I'm complaining. I always liked that it was you taking on the law and not me. But why did you do it?"
"Mother asked me to," Jarrod said. "And I had the temperament for it."
"But did you want to do it?" Nick asked. "Did you want to do it, or did you do it because you had the temperament for it and Mother asked you to?"
Jarrod sighed, thinking back. That really wasn't a question anyone had asked him before.
"He's stuck for an answer," Heath said.
And then he and Nick both realized that yes, Jarrod really was stuck for an answer. They looked at each other, thinking that had touched a nerve they shouldn't have touched. They had always assumed Jarrod took the road he wanted to travel when he went into the law instead of working the ranch. Maybe he didn't.
"Well, it doesn't really matter," Nick said, trying to save things. "If we didn't have you doing this stuff, I'd be doing stupid things like trying to put in new clauses when the contract's already signed."
Jarrod leaned back in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose again. "I'm glad you realize it's not a smart thing to try to do. Are we through with this discussion?"
"Yeah, I guess we are," Nick said. "How about a game of pool?"
Jarrod got up. "I don't think so, Nick. My head is splitting open and I need to go shut my eyes for a while before dinner. One of the hazards you boys who work the ranch don't have to face – brainstrain."
Jarrod went out of the room, moving stiffly and not very fast, leaving Nick and Heath to look at each other. When he was out of earshot, Heath said, quietly, "You don't think he never really wanted to be a lawyer, do you?"
"I didn't used to think so," Nick said. "It always seemed he wanted to be. I think maybe I just irritated him too much today."
What they didn't realize was that Jarrod wasn't out of earshot. He had stopped in the hall, took a deep steadying breath, and heard what they had said to each other. And thought back through his pounding head and brain.
He'd never admit out loud that now and then he did regret having become an attorney. He'd never admit that whenever he did that, he'd start thinking about whether he became a lawyer because his mother expected him to, and he'd come to a halt like he had run into a wall. He did not want to ask himself that question. He did not want to answer it.
But with each time he felt that regret sneaking in on him, he took another step closer to really asking himself that question. And wondering – had he done the right thing with his life? Did he really have what he wanted out of it?
He especially felt it sneaking in on him lately. It hadn't been all that long that he'd been blinded in an explosion, an explosion caused by a man he was prosecuting. Living in the dark for several weeks terrified him, but it also turned him inward. He thought about things more, even after he dealt with the man who blinded him. Being unable to see outward made him look inward. Hard.
He went into the living room and sat down in his favorite chair by the fireplace. The family had taken up calling it "Jarrod's thinking chair," and they were right. Sitting there and staring into the firebox, even when there wasn't any fire, sent him into thought pretty quickly. Usually. Right now, his headache was interfering. He closed his eyes, laid his head back to ease the stress in his neck, pinched his nose again.
"That's a headache," his mother's voice came.
He lifted his head, opened his eyes. Victoria had come in and was sitting down on the settee. She didn't really look concerned. She had a bit of a smile.
"Nick gave it to me," Jarrod said. "I was just trying to get it to ease off."
Victoria started to get up. "Then perhaps I should leave you alone."
"No," Jarrod said, on impulse. "No, actually, it isn't just a regular headache. Nick asked me a question, and then Heath noticed I was stuck for an answer. And I have to admit to myself, I am stuck for an answer."
"That would definitely contribute to a headache," Victoria said. "What was the question?"
Jarrod hesitated, thinking the question might hurt her feelings, but her eyes saw his hesitation and started to get worried. Would she think worse of him if he didn't talk about it now? Jarrod finally said, "Nick asked if I had wanted to become a lawyer, or did I do it because I had the temperament for it and you asked me to."
The question did make Victoria flinch a little, but surprisingly, she said, "I've asked myself that question a few times, and I've been stuck for an answer too."
Jarrod smiled a little. "I really never meant for you to second guess yourself. Whether I started out wanting to be a lawyer or not, I'm glad I became one."
Victoria said, "I had to wonder last month – when you struggled so with the Cunningham case and you were blinded."
"You felt guilty about that?"
"If I hadn't talked you into law school, you wouldn't have been hurt."
Jarrod shook his head. "Mother, there's no telling what would have happened to me in life if you hadn't sent me to law school. You have absolutely no reason at all to feel guilty. As I said, whether I started out wanting to be a lawyer or not, I'm glad I became one. Yes, I have moments of regret – who doesn't? But I've done some good work. I didn't get rid of Joshua Cunningham the way I wanted to, but I did get rid of him. And I recovered. I can see just fine. And in a way, I'm actually glad that time happened."
"You were glad you couldn't see?"
"I couldn't see outwardly. I did start to see better inwardly."
"But you didn't find an answer to that question you're still stuck on – did you go to law school because you wanted to, or because I insisted on it?"
"As I recall, you didn't really insist. You leaned on me good, but you left the choice up to me. But tell me – maybe I can't answer yet if I really wanted to become a lawyer back then, but why did you want me to become one? I know it wasn't just to save the family legal fees."
Victoria looked back in her mind's eye. "No, it wasn't."