I remember there was a lot more noise before. Before all this started. The roads were so dense with traffic you could barely manage to cross. Signs of the shops and districts were blazing with a neon buzz and the close and distant chatter converged into an indiscernible roar of voices. But now I… I don't think I've seen a single car in a while now, apart from all the abandoned ones. Some are still running with their lights and blinkers flashing. The buildings seem just as empty with their curtains drawn tightly closed, the shops devoid of any caretakers. The life that was ablaze in this city has been all but snuffed out.

How long has it been now?

I've lost track of time down here in this place. My silver watch has been adorning Kris's wrist for a while now so I've had no way to tell. I've never seen him check the time either, he only ever seems to run his thumb over the discolored links. I could ask him the time but I don't think I want to know the answer. Maybe I'm afraid to know. It's like when you're at a sleepover or playing a game late into the night, you don't want to check the time because you're afraid you'll realize it's almost time to stop.

Time seems to work differently down here. It feels like it's been days, but maybe it's only been hours… or weeks? I haven't slept. I haven't needed sleep. I just keep going. There's no time for me to rest when there's so much left for me to do. Kris needs me to be stronger, so I will be stronger.

We're running into enemies less often though, and the few we find aren't around for very long. I make sure of that. I show Kris how helpful his leadership has been by pushing myself to remove these things more quickly. More efficiently. They don't stand a chance against us. They fall so fast now. They crumble before they have a chance to defend themselves. At his command they are unmade by my hand.

I've never felt so powerful before.

Kris's hand clasps over my shoulder and suddenly I'm confronted with the present. He… touched me? He's touching me. He angles me towards him, eyes meeting mine as I let him turn me and… I sense something in him. In his eyes. In his features. The way he stares at me, fixated on my core. He relinquishes a slow and calculated nod, the faintest hint of a smile somewhere on his lips. Acknowledgement. For me.

"You've done well, Noelle."

I feel like I'm melting. Against his voice. Against his touch. His acceptance. For so long now I've felt like my veins have been pumping with coolant, my fur flecked with the icy adornment of frost. But his touch… his hand. It feels so warm against me. Before I even realize it my eyes are lidded and I move my head to run my cheek against it, to feel that warmth filter into my fur.

But he pulls his hand away and begins to walk with the understanding I will follow, and suddenly again I am forced to reconcile with my actions as I trail closely behind him. How long had I been waiting for that? For that morsel of confirmation? How long had I been aching for that touch? How long had I been following his command with the expectation of his praise? I've been doing all this… everything I've done… I've done it all for him. All these terrible things. These awful, repugnant actions… unquestionably for him. And yet I… I would do so much more if he just asked.

I feel sick again. I feel nauseous.

But I can't tell if it's from all the screaming or if it's because my stomach is… fluttering. And the understanding that I can't divide out the difference is making it worse.

He's right there. Right in front of me. Walking so casually. So free. I could take aim and all this would be over. I'd regain control and this twisted game would end. I wouldn't have to freeze anyone else… just him. And-

And yet the only thing I can think of, with his back ahead of me, is that I wish so badly he would turn around and connect with me again. To give me that understanding again. To make me feel warm again. I want him to take my hand and order me to freeze our fingers together.

I'm going to throw up.

There was a dumpster we passed by in an alley not long ago. An unassuming hunk of metal the same as all the others tucked inside yet another dim corner of this toppling city. The first time we went by it a voice came out and spoke briefly to Kris. It sounded electronic. Another machine thing begging for its life, I'd assumed, but to my surprise Kris listened and never commanded me to deal with it as I had done for so many others. Was I surprised? Or was I just… disappointed? I can't tell anymore. Whatever was in the dumpster had told Kris a number, I think. I couldn't make it out.

But now we've returned and I can hear much more clearly this time around. It called Kris "Angel." Or… I think that was directed at Kris, at least. It says it wants money, and no small amount of it either. Nearly all the money we've collected so far. All the money we've earned. All that for a ring. A ring of thorns, the thing proclaimed in its mixed voice that sounded like a jumbling of the ads I used to hear on the internet and late night television commercials.

Nearly two thousand? I couldn't stop myself. I really did try to hold it back but I just couldn't help it. I started laughing and I couldn't control it. Each sharp exhalation escaped my throat and bounced endlessly through the alleyway. Two thousand for a ring. It was just like before. It was just like…

I can feel my magic coursing through my fingers. I feel angry. No, I feel insulted. This pathetic thing. This worthless being that finds its home in garbage has the nerve… the audacity…

Kris's hand finds mine, and once more I am fixated on the touch. He lowers my hand and subdues my intent. I almost… acted without his permission. I feel heavy… I feel like I need to drop to my knees and ask his forgiveness. I need to apologize… but before I get the chance Kris carefully sorts through our collection and procures the ring at the price the thing had asked for. I feel the heat in my blood for the first time in what's felt like ages. Kris is paying for it instead of letting me have the pleasure of-

I bite my tongue so hard that I can taste blood. What am I thinking? Why am I fantasizing about...

My head's throbbing, My mind is racing. But I am brought to focus as Kris concludes conducting his business and turns towards me. That ring…

"It-it's nice…"

That's all I can manage to say. Why do I always stutter so much when I speak? Why can't I ever voice my words as clear as they are in my head? Come to think of it… when's the last time I even said anything? Again, it feels like it's been hours.

"Will it make you stronger, too?" I ask him, forcing something of a half smile. He spent so much money on it. So much work for that tiny trinket. I don't even know what it's for, but it must be worth a lot to Kris if he was willing to-

"It's for you."

My throat feels dry.

My chest is burning again. It feels like the gravity of the entire world shifted and I'm barely able to keep my balance. My knees are wobbling, I can feel them shake as I grapple with what he said.

"Kris, wh-wha-?"

"It's for you." He repeats.

I'm spiraling. I can feel it. I don't know where I'm going but I'm twisting downward into some sort of pit. Some black, inky abyss. The tendrils are wrapped around me and I'm sinking away, pulled from all the things that make me who I am. Visions of my dad flash. My mom. Dess. Berdly. Everyone at school. Alphys. Toriel. Even my old youth group. It all blurs through my mind like it's being sucked into that vortex of thorns in Kris's hand.

I think about the festival again. I wanted to ask Susie… I wanted to… the ferris wheel. I wanted her to wrap her massive, clawed hands around my head and make me hers. I wanted to feel my heart jump out of my chest from not knowing whether or not she was going to place her lips to mine or rend my flesh against her pointed teeth. I wanted the fear. I wanted the thrill. I wanted someone's attention. I wanted to be the object of someone's desire… even if it meant being hurt.

Even if it meant being hurt.

I've been standing on thin ice without realizing it. I've been held up by string so thin and so frayed that you'd be challenged to dangle a pin with it without watching it snap. My eyes… I can feel them straining in their sockets as my mind reels. I'm desperately trying to find foundation in anything. A memory for my mind to fixate on. A place to put my hand and balance. A foothold to brace me. But there's nothing left now. There's been something lurking underneath me this whole time but I've been keeping my nose up and pretending that it doesn't exist. Trying to keep myself safe. I didn't realize how close I had been to falling until it finally all started to crumble underneath my hooves. There is nowhere to land. No rope to grab. No cushion at the bottom. There's nothing for me now except the fall. Nothing for me now except for him.

Kris holds the ring out in one hand, and his other extends out for mine. Those red eyes… they're so heavy on me. There's so much weight in them. So much expectation. He does not ask for my hand, he doesn't need to. I give it to him willingly, even if he doesn't demand it. Carefully do my fingers slip over his open palm, and as easily as he wears that scarf adorning his armor does he now wear a smile. It's curved into his lips. Carved into his face. The same as mine.

He spent all that money on me. He does care. He believes in me. Knows what I can be. Understands my potential. All I have to do is follow. All I have to do is give myself to him. I lift my finger to receive his gift. Slowly but forcefully does he slide the ring down my digit, the thorns ripping and tearing through my flesh as it nestles down at the base. The blood is dripping from the tip of my finger into his palm… but we share no words. I simply stare into his eyes and he stares back into mine, my smile reflected. I can see my own eyes glistening. This pain is nothing. For him I will bear it. For him I will do anything. I am his angel of death, and I wear his mark with pride.

"...It's beautiful, Kris." My words feel easier to say now, although they come out in a quiet whisper. "...thank you."

Kris said nothing. He doesn't need to say anything at all. I understand fully… but haven't I always? No one has ever known me better than Kris. Likewise… wouldn't that mean that nobody understands Kris better than me? Kris moves away from the alley and I follow along at his side, my eyes looking towards him every so often so that I can catch a stray glimpse of him as we walk. My mind is still falling, fumbling a thousand thoughts at once with nowhere to place them. The only real option, I suppose… is to just let them all go. I don't need them anymore. All I need is my leader. All I need is his guidance, his direction, and I will become the best version of myself that I can be. The perfect version of myself. The Noelle that Kris expects me to be.

I just wish he would've let me take care of that thing in the dumpster, though. I could've so easily got our money back… but I suppose that was Kris's point, wasn't it? That he got this ring for me. Spent the money on me. To take the money back would devalue the thought of it all. I can still feel the ring digging into my finger… spurning me forward like a prod that will illuminate my full potential. I feel the strength coursing through me.

...and I proved it when we arrived in the next city block and stumbled over the few stragglers that remained there.

I wanted to reward Kris… to give him something in return. He barely needed to tell me anything. He's trained me so well, and I'm so efficient in my method now with the ring's power on my side. They were all frozen in an instant. Lifeless husks trapped in my shimmering prisons… eyes locked onto me in fear. Scared of us. In those coffins of ice I can see my own reflection, my white robe swaying and brushing over Kris at my side, his hand on my shoulder looking so pleased. So proud. So thankful. His praise… it's all I wanted. I look so determined in this mirror. So fierce. Dangerous. I can't believe I can carry a smile this well. I'm so strong now.

And it's all thanks to Kris.

My heart feels like it's bursting. My whole body feels like a war of ice and fire. I feel so…

...so happy.

So happy to finally belong.