I feel myself on the precipice of modernity and memory. Straddling the line between now and longing nostalgia.
Walking side-by-side like this with Kris along these empty city streets. When was the last time we did this? We used to walk home from school together with Dess and Asriel nearly every day. I can't remember the conversations well anymore, the memories of those times move through my head like individual watercolor paintings all taped up on a wall one right after the other. Feels like I can barely recall. But I have memories of their smiles. Their laughter. Their voices. Their complaints about homework and family life. The way Asriel would skip over that one specific crack near the diner because he thought it was bad luck after he stumbled. That time Asgore scared the life out of us with his police siren when he was still on the force. I froze up in his headlights and almost started bawling my eyes out. He felt so bad about it that he took us all to go get slushies and made us promise not to tell Toriel because he was already on "thin ice" for something or other. He was always on thin ice with her back then it seemed.
And there was the way Asriel and Dess would speak softly about the things they thought our younger ears weren't ready for, or things they thought might make them burn. Oh! That reminds me of the one time Asriel got delivered that secret confession letter from one of his classmates… I remember how furious and disappointed Dess looked. I don't know if she ever admitted it to him while she was still around, but I know she had such a crush on him for the longest time, mostly because I glanced through her diary once when she left it out by accident. I learned a lot of things about bodies and how they fit together that day.
I guess I remember more than I thought when I let my mind wander. I never told anyone, but the times when Dess and Asriel were away and it was just Kris and I walking home by ourselves… those were my most favorite times of all. Kris was so quiet back then. And that was okay, I was just as quiet as he was most of the time. I'd always been shy so it was nice to not have any expectation from Kris to be anything else. I was me, and that's all he ever wanted me to be. I found comfort in the way we'd move in silence together, not needing to voice anything in order to be heard. Simply sharing the moment without being alone and following the path we'd walked a thousand times, stepping in unison, just listening to the sounds of the town as we made our way over the lines. I loved it even more during the Winter, when our breath was visible and the lights were strung up through the trees and bushes and those colorful tassels and bows were hanging off the street poles. That crisp, cold sharpness hitting against my nose. Kris said it made it redder and I got so embarrassed...
I remember now… how badly I wanted to hold his hand. How did I forget something like that? My heart thumped so hard back then when I'd walk just a few inches closer, or when I thought he was doing the same… always waiting for the time he'd just reach out and sneak his fingers between mine.
But that time... never came. The time just moved on like it always does. Leaving me behind. It always feels like the world spins for everyone else but me, like I'm detached from it, and the people I care for grow more distant. Getting carried off while I stay in the same place. Dess. Mom. Dad. Asriel… Kris. After Decem-… After Dess… Kris and I stopped walking home together. I filled my after school schedule with as many clubs and as much volunteer work as I could because I… I couldn't handle the silent walks home anymore. I couldn't leave myself time to let those dark thoughts creep in.
After that Kris and I we… we just grew apart. I've always felt guilty for that. Like I abandoned him. We still shared classes together, of course, and our families have always been close even despite their broken nature. But I watched Kris… disconnect. More than before. After those times he never really had any real friends. And neither did I. All we had were acquaintances, family, and our own lives apart from each other. Berdly might be the closest thing I've really had to a friend in the last few years. He looks up to me in a way I've never really been comfortable with, though he'd never admit that with people present. He's well-meaning for the most part even if he makes everyone want to pull their hair out… but it's still hard to call him a friend. We don't talk about anything other than school really, our entire connection has been mostly surface level.
So why didn't I ever reach out to Kris more? Why did I just let our lives diverge? The answer seems so obvious because it's the same reason I'm here now. It's because I wasn't strong enough. I've always been so weak… Too shy to speak my mind. Too cowardly to step in when I needed to. Too afraid to go after the things I wanted. But don't I deserve good things too? Don't I get to have something I want for once? Even my family… Dad's not getting better and I can tell. Mom's too busy with her job and too miserable even when she isn't. Dess… Why is it that I can't, just once, have the strength to take something I want for a change?
That's why I'm here. That's what Kris has been teaching me. The lesson I'm learning. How to be strong… how to stand up for myself. To fight. To survive. To take the things I want into my own hand.
I glance over towards Kris as we walk side-by-side, just as we used to do back then, only now he looks so different. He's taller. Bolder. More confident. He carries himself in a way that I've never noticed until recently, walking through this repugnant city like he deserves the world and more. Maybe he does. He's here… taking what he wants. Not answering to anyone, and even finding the time to guide me while he's doing it. The time he's spent here… I know he's been here before. He found the truth in this dim world. How to use these enemies to make himself stronger. How to rise above himself and walk taller. How to command his own destiny and give himself the confidence he needs to overcome. How to be a survivor. That's why he took me under his wing, so that he can teach me all that and more. That's why I'm so happy to be here with him. He wanted to give me that same gift… and to think I was almost too scared to follow his lead at first. What a fool I had been.
I want… to take what I want, too. I want to show Kris I have the strength to do it. I want to-
My hand moves before I even have time to second-guess myself. I don't want to think anymore. I want to act. I want to just… go for it. My hand reaches out to find his… and his hand grips back to accept my own. I can feel my heart wail against my ribcage like it's a prisoner banging the bars of a cage, crying out for freedom. Our gazes meet again and I swear he's carrying a look of surprise before his features soften and he grips my hand tighter, securing my will to his own. Even with that jagged, bloody ring lodged onto my finger does he still snake his digits through mine. He doesn't seem to mind the pain, either. I am enamored with the warmth. Entranced by the touch. Our movements align into symbiosis and all I can manage to do is smile. It just feels right. It feels natural. My whole life has been a desperate attempt, a struggle, to just hang on to anything important to me… but holding on to Kris like this feels so easy.
I don't want to guess why he gripped my hand back. I don't want to ask how he feels. I don't want to let my mind wander away from this moment and ruin it. I simply just want to exist, right now, at his side with my hand in his. I don't want to know what it means for us. I just want it to be.
It's just like what I wanted back then. It… it feels exactly like how I imagined it would. No. Skies above, it feels even better. The lids of my eyes fall closed and my head finds a perch on his shoulder as we walk, caressing my cheek into the cowl that adorns him. It carries strongly the smell of him and my nose is tickled with his unmistakable scent. I don't know if he's watching over me, but I do know that he hasn't stopped me. I won't question it. I won't question him. I belong… that's all I wanted. All I ever wanted.
Footsteps ahead.
My ears twitch at the sound. These insufferable things, can't I have this moment in peace? I don't even bother to open my eyes as we approach, I stay latched to Kris's side as the thing begs like so many others. Their words… I don't even hear them anymore. They're all enemies. Rungs on a ladder for Kris and I to climb and ascend ever higher. It had been so long since the last one that I was almost certain Kris and I had removed them all from the city. Maybe this one is all that remains. One desperate, vain attempt to halt an unstoppable force.
It's funny… it almost sounded like it said my name, too. I guess the word spread quickly about us.
"Kris, it looks like another enemy." I relay in an almost exasperated way. I'm tired of swatting flies, annoyed that I even have to waste my time on another one of these things when all I want to do is stay locked to Kris's side. I wasn't ready for this moment to end. But if I must…
"Should I freeze them?"
I can't help but let a grin take my features. It's my pleasure to serve. This is just another paltry obstacle blocking our path and I am humbled to have the opportunity to wipe it away so that Kris doesn't have to sully his hands on this filth. He deserves the world, after all. He deserves me. My hand flexes free of Kris' grasp as I ready myself, letting the magic build through my core like a charge of static, ready to erupt as soon as I take aim. The ring around my finger keeps me alert and sharp, the pain focusing my intent without the burden of dampening myself with unnecessary thoughts. I'm ready.
"N… Noelle?"
That voice… it's… what is that? It's stinging my ears. Something… hurts. Something about it… it's like a metal splinter in my side.
"Noelle, it's me, don't you recognize me!?"
I open my eyes.
I open my eyes and… I see…
"B… Berdly?!"
My lungs are on fire.
I can't focus, even with the ring trying to dull my excess senses. I can barely see even though my eyes are as wide as I can force them to go. These buildings around us look like they're breathing, vexatiously warping closer and closer to me like they're going to collapse over me at any moment. Berdly. Berdly is… is here. I'd forgotten. The others. Susie. They're… What am I doing? What have I been doing?
"Noelle, are you okay...? What… what are you doing with Kris?"
I'm freefalling again. I'm sick and I'm dizzy and I feel like I'm ready to eject my stomach out of my mouth, followed by every other organ in my body in a long linked chain of viscera. The world is spinning so fast but this time I don't feel like I'm detached from it… I feel like I'm riding in the front seat. Do they know what I've done? Do they know where all these bodies locked in time came from? There's so many… there's so many just littering the streets… What would my Father think of me? What would Susie think of me? What would anyone think of me? How could anyone look me in the eyes ever again? It all felt so distant until now… like I'd never have to face my actions. Like I'd never have to explain it. It was just Kris and I… that was… that was supposed to be all it ever was again. Have I been clinging to the idea that this is all still a dream without realizing? I've not considered… I hadn't… I hadn't been thinking. I didn't want to think… I didn't want to think. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to think I didn't want to think I didn't want to think IdidntwanttothinkIdidntwanttothinkIdidntwanttothink-
What the fuck have I done?
Kris places his hand on my side and a lightning strike roars down my spine. Kris… Kris is here. Next to me. I ball my hand into a fist, letting the thorns pierce my skin deeply, the blood dripping down to the ground below anchors me in this moment like a seal. Kris is still here. Kris is my leader. This is just another test.
"I'm just, we're just…" My words… I can barely form them. My eyes shut themselves tight. I still can't gather the strength. After all we've done I still can't find it in me to look Berdly in the eyes. I must be stronger. I have to be stronger.
"Getting… stronger." I manage to force out.
"Getting stronger... how? Kris, what are you doing!?"
"Proceed."
If Kris's hand was the lightning then that was the thunder that followed. His voice cracks through my skull like a bullwhip, shaking my very core into a jumbled mess of a thousand conflicting emotions. It feels like someone put my torso into an industrial shredder and programmed it to chunk me into pieces as slowly and methodically as possible. My insides are churning like a primordial whirlpool in the middle of a dark, black ocean, sucking everything down into some ancient pit where nothing exists yet nothing escapes.
Berdly is saying something. Berdly is saying something but I don't know what. I can't hear him. I can't hear anything at all. I feel deafened by everything. This city was so quiet but now it's so loud… it's screaming at me. All the voices. All these phantoms of ice. They're all screaming at once. They're trapped in those tombs… they're dead in those prisons so how are they screaming? Can't anyone else hear them? Can't they hear this horrible wailing? They're all accusing me. They're all swarming me for what I've done. Every voice I silenced is in my eardrum screeching ten times over, making my head erupt like it's being threaded with tightening barbed wire and I'm leaking sloppy ooze from the pricks in my skull.
An axe… Berdly… Berdly has an axe. Why does he have an axe? What is happening? What's going on? I couldn't focus… I couldn't see. Is he… is he going to attack us? Is he going to attack Kris?
"W-wait, Berdly, stop!" Despite everything I still manage to cry out. I have to stop him. I won't allow him to hurt Kris. I don't care if he plunges that axe through my skull but he can't hurt him.
"Run away!" I summon everything into that shout, trying to get it to end before it starts. Trying to stop this before he gets hurt. I try to be commanding. Try to be strong. But it's not enough… Kris glares and I shield myself with ice, but Berdly has no interest in me.
His axe only goes for Kris. My eyes go wide… my limbs feel cold. Shaky. Each swipe of that weapon… it'd only take one bad hit and I'd lose Kris forever. I can't let… I won't let it…
Kris avoids each swing with a deft and easy movement but he doesn't fight back, his eyes occasionally glancing towards me as if expecting something. Like he's waiting for me to…
"Use Snowgrave, Noelle."
That word. What is that word? I can still barely focus… but that name. Snowgrave? Why is that resonating in my body? Slicing through my mind? It feels like the word itself is tapping on a window just outside of my soul. Trying to get my attention. Wanting me to let it inside.
"S… Snowgrave? I… I don't know that spell." My words are earnest, albeit shaky. He speaks to me so calmly while Berdly attacks with everything he's got. Trying to disable him, trying to stop Kris for the things that I've done. His blade only seems to find the air, and Kris's eyes again come to me. Expectant.
"I'm telling you, I… I…" I clutch my robe near my breast, feeling my heart thump viciously underneath it. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Use Snowgrave, Noelle." His voice echoes through my mind. That name. That damned name. What does it mean? Snowgrave! Snowgrave! Snowgrave! It rings like a church bell in the middle of my head, clanging in the same way Berdly's axe deflects off of Kris's shield in a haze of bright sparks.
"I'm telling you, stop!" I cry out. "I… I don't know what you're talking about!"
Kris backhands the axe with a flick of his shield, sending Berdly off balance to stumble back into the street, purchasing enough time for Kris to look upon me fully. He tugs my invisible leash and I can feel my throat tighten. I can hear his words without him speaking them. Snowgrave. Proceed. Snowgrave. Proceed. Snowgrave. Proceed. Each thump of my heart carries them through my veins, one after the other, again and again and again. Snowgrave. Proceed. It's just another test, right? I just have to follow Kris and I'll be stronger. I'll be better. I can be so much more. I just have to… SNOWGRAVE. PROCEED.
"Fine. You want to see what happens so bad?" My body clenches up and my thoughts scatter away like loose leaves amidst a hurricane. There's only the storm now. Only the swelling tide. I won't falter. I won't give up. It's just like before with that lightning rod puzzle. Kris is pushing me beyond my limit. The only thing holding me back is me. I'll cast it. I'll use it. I'll make him proud.
"Watch what happens when I cast a spell I don't know!"
The ring around my finger is scalding me, like every single prick of each thorn is discharging into my blood. Into my very essence. The ground around me frosts… then the sidewalks... then the buildings. The windows turn a spackled shade of white and the streetlamps dim from the mist that emanates from my being. Everything seems so bright to me, though. Everything seems so perfect. So white. So pure. Berdly's axe is on the ground and he's staring up at me with those same pitiful eyes I've seen a thousand times now… he doesn't know what's happening. Neither do I. And I don't care. He tried to harm Kris. Tried to put that axe in my leader. My love. Just like everything else around here in this city. Just like each body we left frozen behind while it still had breath in its lungs.
The ring taps into something deep inside of me, along with the name of that spell… both working in unison to draw out my potential. The winds whip around me, soothing me in a blanket of pure ice that lashes out and strikes everything around me. The windows crack. The concrete warps. Inside this blizzard I am cocooned and in control. I am powerful. I am strong. The temperature feels so low… so cold. There's snow everywhere and I can hardly see anything. I can't even think. The only thing I can see is Kris' smile. His pride. He's so proud of me.
This feels like when Kris and I used to stand in front of the freezer at the convenience shop...
"What…" My voice cracks. "What happened?" I'm on the ground… on my knees. My mind had gone blank. It's still blank. There was so much snow… it was like looking at TV static. My mind is a mess. It's a thousand piece puzzle that's been thrown to the ground and scattered. I feel so drained… I feel like there's nothing left in me. What happened? What did I just do? I look to Kris and he still carries that same smile. The only thing I could make out before… before what?
"There was so much snow I couldn't see anything…" I attempt to explain, my wavering eyes heavy on Kris's form standing over me. He looks… accomplished. He looks proud of me. He's proud of me. He's proud. He's pr-...
"I… I don't feel so good." My stomach suddenly churns again. There's a lump in my throat. A gleaming knife lodged in my brain. Something is broken and it's not just the city around me. In this leftover frost I can… I can see my reflection. I can see the reflection of things around me. I can see… what did I see? What is it?
"I think..." I manage to raise up onto my feet but my eyes don't leave the ground. I can't… I can't bear to move them. I can't make myself do it. Just like before I take one step and then force another. I don't know where I'm going. I just have to go. I have to leave.
"I'm going to go home."
My steps carry me out of the alley and I don't look back. I can't look back.
I saw everything I needed to see in that broken piece of window.