Out of touch
Gazing up, looking at the stars above, she finally felt at ease. It took a while, but she was finally able to lower her guard, drop the act, if only for a few minutes.
Then the floodgates opened.
She was warned before, and she even told others, about the dangers of bottling up your emotions. Unfortunately, this was a frequent thing for her, hiding her true feelings until no one was looking, then bursting into tears a few hours later. It was always like this. Always.
Like clockwork, snow had begun to trickle down around her, her ice powers reacting to her emotions instantly. She was flustered, embarrassed by this. Why can't I keep it under control?
Her thoughts were her worst enemy. So full of self-deprecating, angry, depressive thoughts that would not leave her be, even as she sought the solitude of the night sky; it wasn't enough, it never was.
Tears continued to stream down her face. She hoped the next day would be better, but that was only a dream.
Why lie to yourself like this?
You were never good enough for them. No matter how hard you tried.
It was never enough. Nothing you did was ever enough.
Those risks you took? They wished it was your last.
That heart you stole? You don't deserve him.
The stream of tears quickly became an avalanche as she tried her best to ignore the demons in her head. They loved to toy with her, mess with her, lie to her.
But was it truly a lie?
You can't even keep your own powers under control. That's why they want you dead!
Her breathing hitched. That particular thought always managed to weasel its way in whether she wanted it to or not. But as the days went by, suddenly a seemly far-fetched idea gradually became a more viable one. The better option.
The only option.
"Alexa?"
She quickly turned around, startled by the sudden sound that pierced through the night. Sonic stood behind her, only two feet away, with a worried look on his face.
But then again, it wasn't the first time.
"Oh Sonic!" Alexa replied, quickly wiping away her tears, "sorry I didn't see you there!"
"Yeah, I noticed," Sonic replied, walking over, "how long have you been up on this rooftop for?"
Truthfully, Alexa had no idea. She was so caught up in…that…that she hadn't realised how much time had truly passed.
"I don't know, about an hour. Maybe less."
"Sounds about right," Sonic replied solemnly, "can I ask you an honest question?"
Alexa froze upon hearing his first question. He was going to ask about the crying, wasn't he? What was she supposed to say?
"Sure," Alexa replied, hesitantly.
"Are you really okay? Or are you faking it for my sake?"
She wasn't sure how to answer that question. She didn't know the answer herself. Was she really okay? She sighed before gazing back up at the stars, refusing to meet her boyfriend's gaze.
"I…I don't know?" she stuttered.
"It's fine if you don't want to talk about it, y'know," Sonic replied, sitting next to her, "I've had this gut feeling that something was bothering you, but I wasn't sure if I should ask but…seeing you cry like that…*sigh* it only confirmed my suspicions."
"Really?" Alexa asked. She was grateful that he wasn't going to force her, but maybe she should tell him. Maybe.
And annoy him with your problems?
Even in the company of another, those thoughts still wormed their way into her head.
"Yeah, I figured if you wanted to tell me," Sonic replied, "you would've said something by now. If you do want to talk, I'll always be here for you."
Something about the way he said that reaffirmed her belief in him, but only a little bit. They sat there in silence for around ten minutes until Alexa finally spoke up.
"Do you ever feel…stuck?" Alexa said, resting her head in her arms, "like you aren't moving forward or back in your life? Almost like your stuck going around in circles?"
"Like how everyday feels the same?" Sonic elaborated, "sometimes. Why?"
"I know this might sound stupid," Alexa said, fighting back her tears, "but I feel stuck. Trapped. I do the same every day, every month, every year. Nothing ever changes. I do all these things, but nobody bats an eyelid. I have to fight because if I didn't, I would have nothing. I don't have a life. Not my own one at least."
"What do you mean?"
"People are afraid of me," Alexa continued, "people don't trust me. They think I'm dangerous. I try to prove them wrong, but it doesn't matter what I do, they still see me as a freak. An unnatural being. A- "
"A monster?" Sonic solemnly replied. Alexa nodded.
"Nothing changes. There is so much wrong in the world, but nobody wants to fix it. People are getting hurt and killed but nobody cares. I feel like I'm going in circles, I'm trying make everyone happy, to be happy, but I can't be. I feel like I'm not doing enough, but I know that others aren't pulling their weight. I want to do what everyone else can do, but I can't. I want to go out but can't. I want to stay in but can't. I want to go out with friends, but I can't."
By this point, Alexa could feel the tears stream down her face yet again. Sonic moved closer, put his arm around her and pulled her in close. Alexa put her head on his shoulders as she kept crying, snow falling around them.
"I-it doesn't mat-matter, t-though, right?" Alexa sobbed, "even if I'm c-crying now, it doesn't *sniffle* make a d-difference."
"How so?"
"I-I might be sad now but *sniffle* nobody cares."
"I do."
Those two, insignificant words. The rang through the night like church bells. She moved closer to him as more tears flowed down her face. They meant the world to her.
If you were gone, nobody would care.
But they weren't enough, were they?
Alexa began to hyperventilate as she kept crying. Sonic rubbed her back and held her as close as he could, soothing her to the best of his ability.
"Shh, its okay," he said calmly, "let it all out, I promise that will you feel better."
"I can't make the pain stop," she whispered while hyperventilating, "I should just…disappear. You don't deserve this."
"Deserve what?"
"The burden of my problems, you don't need any more stress."
"It would stress me out if you disappeared, Alexa," Sonic replied, "I like having you close by, you put me at ease you know."
"Really?"
"Yes, you do. And despite what you may think, there are people who care about you. There's Shadow, Rouge, Tails, Amy, Knuckles, Silver, Blaze, Cream, Omega and me of course. We all care about you. And I don't think this is stupid either."
"Why's that?"
"Because if it's upsetting you this much, then it's not stupid. Its serious and I want to help you. I will always be here for you, through thick and thin, in the light, in the dark, it doesn't matter. Whenever you need me, Alexa, I will be there no matter what."
Sonic wiped away Alexa's tears as she tried to regain some of her composure. The moon was in full view, and stars continued to shine as brightly as they ever did. And yet, the sky seemed brighter, at least to Alexa.
"Do you feel any better?" Sonic asked.
"A little bit," Alexa replied, turning to face Sonic, "but I don't think this will disappear overnight."
"Well, I think we've made a start," Sonic said, holding Alexa's hand in his, "it might take a while, but it will be over."
"Yeah, I suppose so," Alexa mused, "maybe I should go see a doctor…"
"Only if you want to," Sonic replied, "If you don't feel comfortable with that…"
"I think I should try it," Alexa said, standing up, "tomorrow at least."
"Well, Shadow and Silver are out for the night," Sonic said, "maybe we should head inside and watch a movie. And if you need to get anything else of your chest, I'll be right next to you. And I promise, tomorrow will be different."
"Trying to get me unstuck, are you?"
"Even if it kills me, Alexa," Sonic said, teasingly.
"Let's hope it doesn't come to that," Alexa replied.
As she walked with Sonic hand-in-hand inside, she could not hear the thoughts in her head. They were silenced, at least for the moment. And if her boyfriend was true to his word…
Tomorrow would be different.