4. It belongs to you
"When you are attracted to people, it's because of the details. Their kindness. Their eyes. The fact that they can get you to laugh when you need it the most." — Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home
When I opened my eyes, darkness still reigned over the cluttered pantry - the candle burning at my head was fading lightly, throwing wearily the last warm traces of light on her beautiful face. Her head had fallen hard on my bare chest, in a deep sleep; her pink hairs flowed like a river of cherry blossoms falling on her frail shoulders. Her cold hand had lightly sunk into the thin fabric of my kimono, a little too close to my neck. I could smell the scent of freshness on her smooth, velvety, frighteningly white skin that counted three small moles. Through the thin clothes she wore, I could feel the sting of her limbs; the warmth I longed for so many years.
I felt trapped in the nets of a poisoned spider, blinded by the desire to at least be allowed to touch the woman I wanted so passionately - her unseen web was stretched all around me, holding me tight in the yoke of my childhood naivete, while she, unaware of me, devoted herself to another. Her translucent presence drove me mad; I wanted her now more than ever, knowing how wrong it is to outline all those fantasies, in which she was only mine and I only hers; let us both melt into boundless loves in a place where everything around us is reduced to ashes.
It was wrong. She belonged to Itachi, and yet now, when no one sees me, when she might not feel it, I could dare to kiss her — caress the soft skin of her little hand with my lips. The paths of destiny gave me loneliness, insecurity and a fierce desire that I had to struggle with.
"No one will ever know..." and I did. I felt her sweet taste with my dry lips, getting intoxicated with a guilty happiness. I reveled, looking pathetically like a loser, at the adorable profile of my nymph who embodied something more than a child but a little less than a woman - her lips were parted, arched sensually, painfully sensual.
But she opened her beautiful eyes, letting me adore in the stillness of the night those emerald pearls that looked at me confused, insecure, but without taking her fragile hand from under the heat of my eager lips. The depth of her gaze was excruciating. So is silence. "Shisui… what are you trying to do?" she whispers softly and sweetly. I felt the earth slip from under my feet, swallowing everything, leaving nothing behind. My selfishness brought me here. Hell, she wasn't mine. It wasn't. And it never would be.
"You should rest now, Shisui!" she ordered firmly in a tender voice, smiling more beautifully than ever, so warmly that I felt the air between us become unbreathable. I loved that smile of hers and I felt how it calmed me, how it silently encouraged me. The more unpleasant things became, the more she smiled. She never moaned, and even if she was upset, she always had a smile on her face, as if telling me everything would be fine. By the time I was gone, whenever I remembered her, her smile still floated vividly before my eyes. It gave me strength and patience, as it usually does - such a small woman, but who can move mountains without even being aware of it.
"I like your smile…" I shyly managed to whisper to her, not sure if my words reached her ears or got lost in the darkness of the night. "I've thought about it many times!"
"You are home now!" she replied, as naive and innocent as I could remember. Or maybe she didn't want to catch the meaning of my words; she may have feared the consequences of rejection. How naive she was. I was going to stay by her side, no matter what she was going to tell me: she could tear my heart, step on my feelings, humiliate me, and I still would never leave her side.
Because she didn't let me go, when everyone else turned their backs on me.
"You see, Haruno-sama… I thought for a long time that I would die with the regret of not having the courage to confess something to you…" there was a commotion inside the silence that grips my soul, an anxiety that makes me agitate, to wriggle and scream, because what I wanted was not written to me. But I have to tell him. I can no longer hold the burden of the feelings that grind me; I am sick of unhappiness whenever I see them together.
She didn't say anything then; she just sat quietly beside me, in a more comfortable position, looking at me seriously as her hand gently squeezed mine, in a failed attempt to give me courage. Her thin fingers massaged the bandaged wrist of my hand, making me lose myself in the moment - I felt elevated to another existential plane, one step above the rest of humanity.
She was always calm and patient, and when things got tense, like now, she always knew what you needed and gave you all the time in the world. And right now, I needed time, even though I could feel it dripping between my fingers, like golden sand on a beach in the summer. It took me several minutes to be able to release the words I was so afraid to say, minutes that seemed like hours, but I did it.
"Have you ever reached the point where you realize you can't go back to where you left off? That you are forced to continue the path you have chosen, blindly and leading nowhere, while you want something else?"
"I think that after a while, things take on a certain shape and we simply resign ourselves…" she stared at me as she spoke; her face had something that subjugated me. It was as if I was easily peeling off the first layer of its shell. I felt happy. It was the first time she had really spoken to me, more than those little conversations, cordial and far too formal, in the rare moments we met.
"We are no longer children of yesterday, we have responsibilities and fears, but if it is something you really want to do; something you feel will fulfill you, just do it Shisui! The life of a shinobi is too short for regrets!" I had forgotten how dreamy she could be; how easily she spoke of such delicate things that could forever change the fragile connection between us.
"What if it's a woman?" I could feel my voice begin to tremble with insecurity. "A woman I will never have!" I said in a low voice, terrified by the direction my confession was going. I was closer than ever to telling her how I felt.
"I think we all have our chance and you owe it to yourself to try."
"Even if that woman is you, Haruno-sama?" I saw her round, large eyes grow even larger as she repeatedly bit her lower lip — a nervous tic I found delightful.
"Why me, Shisui, when so many beautiful Uchiha women want you?"
"Because no other girl is like you. I love you Sakura so much it hurts. And I swear I know that you are only for Itachi, that there is no more room in your heart and for me, but please take care of my heart, because from now on it is in your hands. Allow me to love you from a distance; let me see the smile I adore, because I want nothing more than to see you truly happy. Don't reject me…" I asked the woman who refused to look at me at that moment, feeling like I was losing my mind. I could see tears gathering in the corner of her apple green eye, though now she only showed me the profile of her aquiline nose, and I couldn't bear the fact that my feelings had hurt her.
I should have kept my mouth shut.
"I have to go… I'll come later to see if you still have a fever!" then she left the room like a storm, leaving behind a discreet scent of jasmine, a warm air still reminiscent of her ghostly presence, and a deserted room.
Shit.
…...
I didn't see Sakura for a long time after that. Neither Itachi. I spent my evenings in my unhealthy closet, reading and glancing at the door from time to time, hoping she would open it and give me that charming smile of hers, but she didn't want to come. I felt as if a huge void had been made into my soul. I felt that my own thoughts were suffocating me, that I was getting smaller and that one day I would disappear completely. I had the vague impression that I had entered a kind of timeless loop that forced me to relive the most frightening feelings indefinitely, alone, in the dark, over and over again.
I just wanted to be honest with her.
"What did I do wrong?"
…......
Hello everyone! I know that I missed a very long time, but I needed to detach myself a little from everything and focus only on myself, because the faculty drained me of energy. I was also in a great crisis of inspiration and whenever I started writing something, I became very frustrated, because it did not correspond to what I wanted to convey. Even now I am not in top form with writing, but I feel that it has come quite close to what I wanted.
I hope you enjoy reading this chapter; I was very worried about how to do it and I think it is quite successful.