On the greyest day of the spring, which could have as well been his birthday, Eren had died.
Well, he couldn't actually know what kind of day it was - the death found him in something one could call a very deep sleep. One moment he was dreaming - of the future, past, and every way it could go bad. And the next one he was dead, no time for him to even realize it.
But after the end, a big surprise, the dreaming didn't stop. He saw the Girl looking at him in what he at first thought to be a disappointment. He knew somehow he would feel disappointment in her place.
But the mother-like affection, it actually was, made him feel more disgusted than any look of contempt would. He wanted to flinch away, to curl around himself in the smallest corner he could find. To hide from the Girl's all-seeing eyes. He knew she wanted to say 'you don't understand'. But she didn't talk and never would. She looked and looked at him. And he dreamed instead of stopping being.
And then someone called his name.
"Eren!" How weird, he thought then, what is the use for names when you are dead? And, besides, how could someone hear voices after being dead? And why was he not dreaming anymore? And what he had been dreaming about? Some strange girl, maybe? Or Ymir? And wasn't he supposed to be dead? The questions flooded his mind. "Eren, wake up." The voice called him again. Someone shook him on his shoulder. Curious about this afterlife experience, Eren opened his eyes.
And immediately jerked away in surprise, nearly hitting his head against the floor he was sleeping on. Mikasa was looking at him. She frowned with worry, but nothing else about her expression he could say. He stared back at her.
Finally, after a second of awkward staring, Eren noticed the weirdest detail - she looked like a child. She was a child. Barely ten years old. A still round face, longer hair. It wouldn't be too surprising to him by itself if they were in Paths still. For some reason, it had almost been a rule of the place for people to appear younger. Probably something connected to Ymir's state of mind. But that would mean that Mikasa was somehow there too. Or maybe it was the afterlife. Which would even make sense, considering that he was supposed to be dead.
Eren sat up and raised his arm to see the hand of a child, much smaller than he remembered it being. Paths or Afterlife? He hoped neither, because it would mean he failed - either he still was too alive for his plan to succeed or Mikasa was dead alongside him.
He raised his gaze at Mikasa again. She opened her mouth to tell him something, so he decided to speak first.
"Are we dead?" He asked almost at the same second she finally managed to say -"Did you have a nightmare?" She immediately flinched, realising what he just asked.
"A nightmare?" Eren said. "Dead?" She said back right after him, wide-eyed.
He could almost laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation, but he had no time for this. He needed to figure out what was happening. If Mikasa was dead or in the Paths, she didn't look like she realised it. So maybe he should go along with the conversation.
"Yes, I had a bad dream" Eren agreed with her and nodded out of sync with the words. "Why did you wake me up?"
"You were saying weird things in your sleep," Mikasa muttered to herself, but Eren still heard her.
"What did I say?" He asked.
"It's nothing." She replied a little too fast and Eren knew that meant there was something that bothered her. "We need to go. There is a food giveaway for refugees. Armin is probably there already."
She stood up quickly to get away from more of his questions. Something about her words seemed familiar. Eren looked around himself. He recognized the place from his childhood memories. That's exactly where they lived after…After their mother... Maybe he was reliving his memories through the Paths? Whatever the reason for that may be. But he'd never explored any past this way before - through the eyes of someone from that time. Even himself. Though it would explain Mikasa's unawareness.
Mikasa, ready to leave, turned around only to see Eren not following after. She held out her hand to him, but he stood up and took her by the arm to stop her from dragging him outside.
"Wait!" He said. Mikasa raised her eyebrows, this time ready to hear him out."I really had a nightmare. So I am not sure what actually happened and what was just a dream. Can you please tell me," Eren paused to look at her reaction. He needed to choose his words carefully right now, it would be stupid to let anything about the future slip if his guess about the time he was at wrong.
She nodded for him to continue, "Is mom…" His voice wavered as he let go of Mikasa's arm. Because of him, She was dead, and Eren couldn't even say it aloud. Before he could finish the sentence, Mikasa answered him in a soft voice: "Yes."
"And father, he is missing?" If the question sounded weird to her, she didn't show it, just looked down and exhaled, "yes. We couldn't find him." So he remembered the time right. Which meant that at least he won't be forced to see his mother again. Even if he wished he had a chance to try to save her at least one more time. There was no way things could be changed if he'd seen them happen before, so maybe it was for the better. Trying to say goodbye to the past would only make him more reluctant to let go.
Mikasa held out her hand again, this time the motion seemed somehow softer, almost apologetic and Eren took it, letting her lead him this time.
Mikasa stepped outside on the sun and he followed. He squinted his eyes and held out his free hand, as he walked on the sunlight. Still in a daze after sleep, Eren trailed behind her through the crowd. He tried to catch details about the place he didn't care to hold in his mind the last time.
Maybe all this was happening during the second before his death - normal passage of time never really affected how the Paths worked. Did Ymir still have something to show him? Perhaps his role was to just go along the way he remembered things happening. He was used to going along with her plans for what seemed like years of stranding through the place out of time.
And now he wandered through, trying to catch a glimpse of anyone or anything familiar to him. Mikasa was holding his hand still, just like Ymir before, leading him to inevitable.
Eren almost wished they never reached their destination. Because somehow only now he realised who exactly he was getting close to meeting. Seeing Mikasa as a child in this twisted memory-dream gave him dubious feelings on its own. So he couldn't say he was looking forward to meeting…
"Hey! Eren! Mikasa!" The cheerful voice ripped him out of his thoughts. Of course, Eren recognized it. "I got us food!"
He stopped abruptly and Mikasa stopped as well, though in a much more gracious way. Forgetting about any previous hesitation, Eren looked up, ignoring the heavy feeling in his stomach. Armin held out one hand in the air for them to notice. With his other one he barely balanced three loaves of bread.
Eren suddenly remembered this exact moment, like it was cut out in his mind once many years ago and only now, when repeated, was accidentally found by him in the pile of useless memories and facts. He stared at Armin, who got closer to them and said something else. Eren nodded, not really listening. He felt his hand being let go. He took the food he was given a second after. Not giving it much thought, Eren hid the bread under his jacket, a habit from this time that suddenly woke up in him. Both Armin and Mikasa gave him a surprised look and he realised that it wasn't his habit yet.
He looked back at them and blinked. Armin's smile faltered, probably, because he finally noticed that Eren didn't say anything yet. He opened his mouth, but the next second Eren's attention was on something else.
Eren turned around to look at two guards, who just said something directed obviously at them, if he could guess by the looks of contempt on their faces. Oh, Eren remembered that too. He got in trouble because of it the last time. Did he really have to go through that again?
"Eren, don't." Mikasa pulled his hand, making the choice for him.
"Yes, let's go. It's not worth it." Armin agreed, ready to help Mikasa stop him from getting into a fight. They interpreted his stare at the guards in the most obvious way. It was fair enough. He did get almost beat up the last time.
Eren of the past had needed to learn to choose his fights. This time though, there was no point in making the same mistake. So Eren of the future let himself be pulled away by his friends. Though, He still gave the guards the most hateful stare, he could manage with a face of a ten-year-old. And by their baffled looks it worked on them almost.
They ate in awkward silence, that Eren barely paid any attention to. He was thinking. Although he did occasionally catch his friends' worried eyes on himself but mostly ignored the way they silently shared their concerns about his uncharacteristic behaviour.
Eren looked down at his portion. Who even baked the bread that small? Hardly enough to feed a child, let alone a grown person. It had always been like this though. He just so easily got used to having enough food during these four years after retaking the outer wall territory and all the land on the island.
Eren looked up at his friends, who were both too obviously trying not to get caught looking at him. They really were kids, unable to hide their emotions still. Well, maybe Mikasa now was a little better at it than Armin. Just like him, they didn't seem too happy about their portions.
Well, that's because they didn't know yet it's going to get much worse just in a few months. Eren wished he didn't have to relive that part of his life. Working to exhaust in the fields in the morning and lurking around the dangerous streets during the nighttime. There was nothing he could do, though. His future was decided, he learned that much from the past mistakes.
"You know," Armin suddenly said when he finished chewing his last bite of the bread, "There's really no point in being angry at these guards. Well, I mean," His words were for sure directed to Eren, even if he was looking away from him while talking.
Eren bit back a smile. He knew Armin wasn't saying it out of concern for these people. Even now, in this weird memory-dream, Armin tried to keep his best friend from getting into trouble. Wasn't it the same the last time?
"Here," Eren took a piece of his own bread and put it in Armin's hand, "You are still hungry, I can see it on your face." He wished he could share the piece between his both friends, but Mikasa would never agree to eat his portion.
"W-what?" Armin seemed taken aback at Eren's action. And by the way Mikasa was looking between both of them, so was she. "No!" He tried to hand it back, "You can't just give your food to me!"
"It's fine. I am not hungry anyway." Eren tried to reassure him. Mikasa opened her mouth to object and closed it, like she was unsure if she wanted to get into the argument.
"Well, I'm not hungry either!" Armin said and from the way he looked at the piece of bread, Eren knew it was a clear lie. He felt bad for him, no matter how ridiculous it was. Eren, disoriented, lost, supposed to be dead, felt bad for hungry kids, who might as well be his imagination.
"Armin," he laid a hand on the boy's shoulder and looked straight at him, "You are hungry. So I offered you food I wasn't planning to eat anyway. It's your choice to eat it or not, but don't give it back to me." He put his hand away and broke eye contact. Armin seemed at a loss for words. "Listen," he continued, "Tomorrow we will get more food. And after that, your grandfather will probably find some job," he paused when remembering what happened to the man. "Or we will find some way to get money. I won't let us starve." Not this time at least. "I promise you that."
Both Armin and Mikasa were now staring at him. And he signed. Did he just promise them something impossible? What about the inability to change the future? Well. Maybe something as small as keeping his friends from starving didn't matter enough to be set in stone. After all, he didn't get into an argument today. So he owed it to them to try at least.
"But still," Armin finally found his voice. Before he could finish though, Mikasa took the piece from his hand. She tore off one-third of it and handed it back to Armin.
"He is right. Eat it." She divided the remaining piece in two halves and gave one to Eren, putting the rest in her mouth.
Eren could tell she wasn't exactly happy to share his food either or agreed with his words, but rather wished to put an end to their argument.
He smiled. It had been a long time since he felt his friends' support like this. Even if one could say it was his own fault. He missed them. Maybe that was why he was seeing them now.
"About what you said, " Eren swallowed the food and said, "I know there's no point being mad at them. Even if they are wrong. I would be unhappy too if I saw how the food that was meant to keep my family from starving during winter was given away to people for free. And I wouldn't keep silent at it either." Armin smiled at him, likely surprised but grateful Eren wasn't going to get them into trouble. "Which is one more reason why we should find a way to feed ourselves."
He only hoped that whatever plans he didn't have yet would work. May this all be a dream, a vision, or an actual past. He had to try to make at least small things like this better. Even if he was going to die the next day.