"I'm not marrying him, Jayje."

I sat in silence in my living room, staring at the table in front of me for what seemed like forever. Finally, I heard the knock on the door. I got up and took a deep breath to calm myself down, and then I went to answer the door. My left hand was behind the door when he searched for it. He came in and sat down on the couch, I followed suit. I took another breath and let my hands rest on my knees. He looked at my left hand and I could almost feel his disappointment. I grabbed the box from my bag beside the couch and handed it to him. He took it and looked at me. "Why not?" I could hear how choked up his voice was. He had tears in his eyes.

"I'm not that girl, Mick. I don't believe in marriage; I don't see the point in it."

"The point in it is to show each other that we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. It ties us together and means commitment and passion."

"And we can't love each other and spend the rest of our lives with commitment and passion without the marriage certificate?" I questioned, raising my eyebrows, "I'm not against marriage. If two people want to get married, sure, go ahead. I just don't feel like it's important. Nothing changes between what we were and what we would be after we got married. I have only ever seen marriage end in divorce."

"And how is that any different to now? We're breaking up now, but we're not married. If anything, it's easier to just call it quits and break up when you're not married, because you don't have to get divorced, or split things, etcetera. Being married makes you try harder to make it work.
"And if you're not against it and the only reason you don't want to is because it isn't important to you, then know that it is important to me. If it doesn't matter to you, then what do you have to lose?"

I looked down at my hands for a few seconds before looking back to him, "Say we did get married. How long until I'm bearing your children, and losing myself and my job? How long until I don't see my family anymore because I am so exhausted after taking care of said children? How long until we resent each other? How long until we're miserable and need space and time away from each other just to survive in the marriage?" My tears were flowing freely down my face now, "I'm sorry, Mick. I really am. I love you, but I can't marry you."

"So that's that then." He stood.

"It doesn't have to be all or nothing."

"We don't want the same things, Emily. If I stay with you now, then I will resent you later when I realise that I've missed my chance at marriage and kids." He took a breath and bent over to press his lips to my forehead. He stood back up and headed towards the front hall, "I'll collect my stuff this weekend; I'll leave my key after I've got it all out."

Just like that, he was gone.

On Monday, I texted Hotch and asked for a personal day, assuming there was no case. He approved it and asked if I was alright. I told him I was fine, that I just felt unwell.

Truthfully, I was far from fine.
After Mick left following our breakup and watching him take the rest of his things and leave my apartment for good, I was anything but fine. I felt silly taking a day off work over a guy, but if there was no case, all I was missing out on was paperwork and that could wait another day. I needed to feel better first.

I hadn't loved someone like this since Doyle. Doyle had been easier to deal with; it was the job; I was just doing my job. Now, I didn't have a job to blame. I didn't have anyone but myself to blame for the way I felt.
I was miserable, empty. It was new sort of emotion that I wasn't sure how to deal with.

Tuesday was the same, I took another day.

Wednesday, Hotch called me and told me we had a case in South Carolina. He offered for me to sit this one out, clearly connecting the dots that something was wrong and I wasn't – in fact – just a bit unwell.
I didn't attend the briefing in the round table room, but I was on the jet before they were.

JJ entered first. She put her bag up over her head and then looked at me. She tried to talk to me, but I just looked at Hotch behind her and took the file he offered me.
I sat silently as I listened to them theorise the case. I didn't add my own thoughts; they were fine without them for now.

Once we finished, Hotch spoke to me directly, "Are you sure that you're okay to be here?" I looked at him and nodded. He left it at that. I obviously was not going to discuss my issue with him, or in front of the team.

When we exited the jet, we headed towards the SUVs off the tarmac.
I felt JJ touch my shoulder and I looked at her at my side, "Are you okay?" She asked quietly. It was unlike me, but I just burst into tears. She looked almost shocked, but she didn't hesitate to hug me tightly. "Go." I heard her whisper to the guys. I heard the sound of keys pass between hands, and then four car doors open and close. They left, and JJ just held me until I let go first.

"I don't know how to deal with the fact that I love him, and he is just…gone. It is sort of similar to Ian Doyle, but I had a job to blame, and I was never supposed to be with him anyway. He was a criminal. Now, all I have to blame is my own commitment issues, and I was supposed to be with him. We were great together."

"I know you were, Em, but you're two different people who want different things. Sometimes love just isn't enough," She tried to be comforting, but the words just made me feel worse. "Let me take you to the hotel. Spend the afternoon there, regroup, start fresh with us tomorrow. Having you mope around miserably at the station isn't going to help anyone."

"I am coming to the station, and I will not mope. I am the queen of compartmentalisation and you know it." I took the keys from her hand and wiped my eyes as I walked around to the driver's side. I took a deep breath when I sat down and told myself that it was enough, and now I needed to be an agent and be professional.

I drove to the local PD on JJ's direction, and we joined the guys in the small room set up to accommodate us. Reid almost asked if I was okay, but I saw JJ move her hand across her neck to warn him not to.
I ignored their exchange and sat down between Hotch and Morgan and looked at the files the locals had left for us to see.

After our last case, I asked Morgan to spend the night with me. He came to my place, we had sex and he cuddled me afterwards. He stayed the night. The next morning I woke up to find him cooking pancakes in my kitchen. We ate and drank coffee together, and then he left.
Despite being single now, I still felt guilty about it.

I went out for a few drinks with JJ and Garcia the next night. I ended up giving my number to an attractive guy only a year older than me. Tattoos, dark hair, dark eyes, toned muscles.
When we got to work on Monday, I asked Garcia to run a check on him. I didn't want another Jay situation.

She let me know that he checked out; had one arrest for a DUI nine years ago. Other than that, nothing. She told me he was divorced with two kids who he saw every second weekend - court ordered.

When he called to ask me to dinner, I accepted his offer.

He took me a small Thai restaurant. The ambiance was nice; soft music and soft lighting. It was a romantic place.
We talked about work first. He was a lawyer and that made me uncomfortable until he clarified that he was a prosecutor. I told him I was an agent with the FBI. I neglected to mention which part of the FBI. Nothing sent a guy running faster than telling him you studied serial killers and carried a gun.

He was polite. He had pulled my chair out for me when we arrived. He refused to let me split the bill with him, he placed a hand on the small of my back when we left the restaurant but didn't let it fall too low. He hung his coat over my shoulders when we walked into the fresh air.

He drove me home and walked to me to my door. I made sure to be on high alert as he walked a step behind me. He pressed a light kiss to my lips and wished me goodnight, and then he left.
I let myself inside and sat down, thinking about him.
He didn't expect sex, he didn't even try to get me to invite him in. We didn't have a whole lot in common, and despite how gentleman-like he was, I probably wouldn't go on a second date.
I still missed Mick.

I slept with Morgan again following our next case. All of three days later, we went out for drinks with the team and he had a girl on his arm. I wasn't jealous, good for him, but I was mad that he slept with me three days ago and didn't mention the fact that he was seeing someone. If I had of known he had a girl, I wouldn't have slept with him.

He introduced her to us. She seemed nice enough. She seemed most comfortable with Garcia, as most people did; she wasn't a threatening FBI agent. After a few drinks, she excused herself to the bathroom and I raised my eyebrows at Morgan. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For not telling you."

"Right. So were you seeing her three days ago when we slept together?" He just watched me for a second before he sighed and nodded. I scoffed, "You're an arsehole. You have a gorgeous, kind girl there and you cheated on her!"

"You cheated with him…" JJ interjected quietly.

"I didn't know. If I had of known, I wouldn't have done it."

"So you're mad that I cheated on her…but you don't care that I'm seeing her."

"I'm not mad, I'm not just happy with the way you're treating her. And no, I don't care that you're seeing her. Why would I care?" He raised his eyebrows and smirked. "Oh, the size of your ego is astounding." I laughed with the team. "Morgan, I love you, but I would never date you."

It was a funny thing to picture, Derek and I together. It would surely end in bloodshed. We were best friends and the most effective partners in the field that the FBI had ever seen, apparently, but we clashed. We could get on each other's nerves in a blink and drive each other crazy. We were not a romantically compatible match.

When Savannah returned, he took her to dance. Will took JJ's hand when she hinted that she wanted to dance, and then Rossi took Garcia to the dancefloor. I was grateful that neither Hotch nor Reid were the dancing type, because dancing was the last thing I felt like doing.

"Would you like to dance too?" Reid asked me after a short while. I smiled as I looked at him. I could see how uncomfortable he was, probably praying that I would say no.

"No, thank you for asking, though." I smiled. He sighed in relief and sipped at his drink again as he watched the others. Hotch and I made eye contact and we both smiled after Reid's offer. He was sweet.

I watched the six of them dance, mainly JJ and Will, and I felt my mood dropping. Watching them so happy and in love just made me depressed over Mick.

I excused myself before long, saying I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Reid wished me goodnight, and Hotch insisted on driving me home. He dropped me off and waited until I was safe inside the building before he left.