Author's Note: I wrote this for a Trope Challenge from the 30 Fanfic Discord group. My tropes were Only One Bed and Modern AU. I had to include Dice Slippers as my two random items. Hope you enjoy the silliness!

Her head wove back and forth, gaze on the cleavage in front of her. She was 70% sure that her favorite dice were hidden in Isabella's bra. Izzy had three spots where she hid the objects she stole. Her bra was for people she liked. Her waistband was for people she REALLY liked. (She got a thrill out of people's shocked faces when they discovered her lack of underwear.) And her left boot was for the people she didn't like.

The barely restrained breasts shimmered in and out of focus. Hawke blinked hard and then stared again as Izzy giggled. She giggled back at her. They had definitely had too much to drink. The world, or at least everyone in the Hanged Man, should cower in fear. Izzy drank a lot, but as soon as she started giggling, bad things would soon follow.

Someone, she was pretty sure it was Fenris, pulled her back into her seat. She hadn't even noticed that she was slipping out of it. She laughed and tossed her head back. When her vision settled (Wee!) she was looking up into Fenris' glowering face. She loved that he glowered. She loved broody. He was so broody. And so grumpy. And pretty.

"I love your face, Fenris!"

He stopped glowering and let his lips lift into a very small, surprisingly tender, smile.

"Nope!"

Fenris was shoved out of the way and Varric was there.

"Varric!" Hawke shrieked, toppling out of her chair to land at his feet. "Where have you been?! We've been having so much fun!"

"I can see that," he said as he pulled her to her feet. "I think it's about time to head out."

"Nooo, Varric! I have to get my dice back! Izzy stole them!" Hawke

"Your dice?" Varric

"Yes! The ones that that one smuggler bribed me with two years ago!" Hawke

"You let a smuggler bribe you?" Aveline

Hawke frantically shook her head. "Nnnoooo, Aveline. I definitely was not bribed. I'm never bribed. I'm law-abiding now. I mean always! I'm always law-abiding! I even help out the law sometimes!"

Aveline rubbed her eyes and tilted her head back against the wall behind her. Hawke smiled at her friend, knowing that Aveline couldn't see but feeling certain that she would be able to sense it somehow, and resumed her guessing game with Isabella's breasts.

So she was pretty certain there was an 80% chance that her dice were there. There was normally a 50-50 chance that Izzy would stab anyone reaching in there for their belongings. 100% chance of getting stabbed if it was in her boot. Very unlikely to get stabbed if it was in her waistband, as long as you didn't insult or grope her. But anyway. 85% chance it was in the boobs. 50-50 that she could get stabbed.

She looked around the room and wrinkled her nose at her friends. Varric's bar of choice was one of the grossest, ugliest ones she'd ever been in. She had to pretend to go somewhere else whenever Carver wanted to tag along. Their mother must never know the locales her oldest child frequented. Never. It was easy to give Carver the slip, though. Idiot that he was. He'd just go whine to Bethany anyway.

Bar. The Hanged Man. It was in lowtown (A wonderful place to be at any time!) but towards the top of lowtown where it connected to midtown. It was perfect for them to meet at, being in the middle ish of where everyone hung out/lived, and no one looked out of place here. There were off duty, and on duty when Aveline wasn't here, police officers scattered throughout the tables, mixing in with the common people and probable thieves who lived down here. Izzy was often mistaken for one of the whores wandering through. (She loved to wiggle up to the would-be patrons, bash them on the head, steal as much money and as many valuables as she could, and then make a run for it.)

The tables were all stained and broken, the plastic chairs were trash, and the floor was disgusting. But the bar itself was clean.

She spotted Anders lounging on the other side of the smoky fireplace from Aveline. Normally she would be irritated to find him there (He always tries puppy dog eyes and touches her weird and cries and she just can't stand how needy and pathetic he can be) but today his presence was great news for her. If she got stabbed, then he could heal her up. No problem!

But then… Then there was a 70% chance that he would try to date her again. Anytime she needed him for something he was right there, but then he just wouldn't leave until someone chased him off. She wasn't sure if her 50-50 chance of getting stabbed was worth dealing with Anders again. It had taken four months (And an impressively threatening Fenris) to get him away from her last time. She'd have to decide how bad the stab was before making a decision about him.

But then there was Aveline! She knew emergency medical care and often had to deal with stab wounds. Perfect!

Except… There was a 100% chance that Aveline would lecture her and a 90% one that she'd try to get her to join the police force again. Ugh.

Fenris was pretty, but not very helpful with stab wounds. Varric was manly and all-knowing, but also not good with stab wounds. Bethany was out of reach. Merrill could maybe hold the blood in? (She didn't know what all blood magic entailed and could be used for, but she didn't think Merrill knew either)

All in all, odds were decent that she would either not get stabbed (Yay!) or could get healed up with a couple options to pick from.

She slowly leaned forward and braced her left hand against the table before reaching her right towards Isabela.

Her hand was smacked down by Varric. "No touchy the stabby lady."

"But Var-ric!"

"No buts. You are done for the night, young lady. Tell everyone good night."

"I-"

"No."

She huffed her bangs out of her face and took a step back from the table. Her foot hit the front leg of her chair and she tripped over it, taking the chair down and plowing into Fenris. He grunted at the sudden impact to his gut before grabbing her shoulders and holding her up. The chair clattered to the floor at their feet.

She was sure they were going to have a "moment," and she had been waiting so long for it, but Varric plucked her from his grasp and set her on her feet.

"Don't think you should walk to hightown like this, Hawke. We haven't cleared out those pretenders yet." He said while gently shoving her away from Fenris. Isabela gestured for her to come over, but Varric moved her away from the thief as well.

"I will-" Fenris began.

"You will not." Varric interrupted. "Not after what you did."

Isabela laughed and slung an arm around a repentant Fenris' neck. He immediately pulled away and scowled. "This has nothing to do with that. She will be safe with me."

"Nope. She's staying with me. Come on, Hawke, upstairs."

She sighed and flopped into him, almost taking the dwarf down. "I don't want to go upstairs, Varric. I want to go home."

"Too bad," he answered, practically carrying her up the stairs and to his room, "Bianca has been missing you."

"Bianca! I love Bianca! Can I hold her?" She begged while she waited for him to unlock the door.

He opened the door and gestured for her to enter. She skipped past him into the room. He turned around and stood in the doorway, arms crossed, to glare at Isabela and Fenris. "Get the fuck out of here. This isn't a slumber party."

"But Var-ric," Isabela crooned, "Hawke is in there and I still have her dice."

"Are you planning on giving them back?"

She snickered and shrugged her shoulders. "I might if she asks nicely enough."

"Get out of here, Izzy. You can try again in the morning. Don't want you touching any of my shit."

Fenris was ignoring both of them to look over Varric's head into his room. Hawke was sprawled out across a huge bed, hugging a crossbow. He smiled a little before Varric poked him in the chest.

"Stay away, Fenris. I don't know what you're playing, but a guy like you doesn't deserve a girl like Hawke."

Fenris looked away, his normal frown that he rarely lost, and only around Hawke, back as he gritted his teeth and stalked down the hallway.

Varric gestured for Isabela to leave as well, and, to his surprise, she did. She winked at him before descending the stairs back to the still boisterous bar. Shaking his head, he closed and locked his door before going to Hawke.

While he had been busy getting Isabela and Fenris to leave, Hawke had found his bathrobe and was parading around the coffee table with it draped over her head.

He glanced at the end table where Hawke had set Bianca, to make sure the crossbow wasn't in any danger of falling, before returning his attention to Hawke.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm a bat." She said, as if it was obvious that his purple robe covering her head could only be a bat.

He reached for it and she scrambled over the couch, falling off the edge and landing flat on her back. She wheezed for breath while simultaneously trying to laugh as he came around the couch to loom over her.

"This -gasp- is the first -gasp- time that you've ever -gasp- been taller than me."

"So funny," he said blandly while helping her clamber up. He liberated his robe while he was at it. "Now where are my slippers?"

His only answer was a shrug and a smothered giggle.

"Hawke?"

"I didn't do it." She chortled and pointed towards the door. A cackle came from the other side.

"Isabela you fucking bitch!" He roared as he practically leapt across the apartment to yank the door open.

Isabela was already halfway down the stairs, flapping his slippers over her head. He charged after her with the door wide open behind him.

Hawke stood in the doorway and giggled until she noticed Fenris leaning against the wall to her left. He was watching her.

"Hi, Fenris," she fake whispered, gesturing for him to follow her into the room. He came as far as the doormat before stopping to inspect the space.

Varric had a surprisingly sleek, modern apartment considering it was inside the Hanged Man. He had paid to renovate it himself, taking out three apartments to get the space he wanted. For all that, he'd kept it a completely open space with only the bathroom as its own room. His king sized bed was jammed in a far corner.

Hawke flopped on it and started waving her arms and legs like she was making a snowman.

"Varric has the BEST sheets. I love it here."

Fenris paused, searching for a guest space and finding nothing. He cleared his throat. "There's only one bed."

"Yup. It's an awesome bed, though."

"Do you, uh, use it often?"

She rolled onto her side to face him. "As often as I can."

"Where does Varric sleep?"

She gestured at the bed she was lying on. She tilted onto her back again and sighed. "He doesn't cuddle."

Fenris gaped, a slight blush on his pale cheeks, before he was shoved out of the doorway.

"That's correct. I don't cuddle. Now get the fuck out of my apartment."

Fenris allowed Varric to push him into the hallway. The door slammed in his face before he could think of anything to say.

He sighed and sat on the floor to the left of the door again, drawing his knees up into his chest and laying his head down on them. He'd be there for Hawke in the morning, in whatever way she'd have him.