I do not own Merlin.
Two sides of the same coin
Over time, Merlin had found himself feeling differently about these words.
First, there had been disbelief, anger even.
No way, there must be another Arthur, because this one's an idiot.
I'm not sharing my destiny with this prat!
This can't be set into stone! My whole life can't be dedicated to that … that arse!
It had turned into duty.
It's my destiny to protect Arthur. I don't have a choice.
If I have to lay down my life for him … so be it.
It had turned into pride.
Arthur is going to be a fair and just King.
He's going to be the Once and Future King to unite the lands of Albion.
I'm happy to be your servant until the day I die.
It had turned into hope.
I believe in the Kingdom Arthur is going to create.
Under Arthur's reign there will be magic in Camelot once more.
You're not your father.
And then it had turned into white hot rage. In the end. Or the beginning. He didn't know.
I can't lose him! He's my friend!
I need him! He can't be gone! HE CAN'T!
I thought we'd belong together! I thought we'd only work together!
And then it had turned into numbness.
Because Merlin had realised something. Something he had never seen before.
They were two sides of the same coin. Not water and sun, that could together make a flower grow or a plant blossom. They were not moon and stars, that could together lighten up a dark and cold night. Not two halves that made one whole.
No, two sides of the same coin.
Why, and in order for one side to be turned upwards, to be seen, the other side had to be hidden, face down, in the shadows. While the one side triumphs, the other one has to hide. If by force or by free will makes no matter. One side downwards, one side upwards.
And it was true, he had realised blankly.
All the years, back in Camelot, Arthur had been the one to triumph. He had become crown prince, he had won tourneys and melees, had been crowned King, loved by the people. He had been the upper side of their coin.
And Merlin had been forced to hide. No one could have known about his magic, he had been a servant, he had risked his life so many countless times, but had never received the slightest bit of gratitude or even recognition. Because no one had seen. Because he had been the side that had been turned downwards. In the shadows.
And now? Now it was just the other way around.
No ban on magic, no need to hide, no one to serve. He was free, he was powerful. Stories of old times in the mystic court of King Arthur had been told, his deeds recognised. He was as much of a hero as Arthur was. But Arthur was gone. Well, Merlin triumphed, so Arthur had to be gone. It was his turn to be in the shadows. His turn to be face downwards.
Two sides of the same coin.
And no matter how many times he had been certain to have finally figured out the meaning of these words, now, in this second, as he sat on the plastic seat of Glastonbury train station, letting himself being soaked by the rain, as the yellow streetlight illuminated his watch, that showed half past two in the morning, he wondered if maybe there had never been any real meaning to it.
Because his and Arthur's life – it was all of this.
It was anger, duty, pride, hope, fury, pain, and now it was numbness.
But he knew, deep, deep down, when Arthur would finally return to him, when his King would finally be with him again, they would find this one position for their coin. The single one position of perfect balance. Where no side had to be turned upwards, and now side had to be turned downwards. Where both sides were just – well, sides.
And they would find this balance because they had once before. Briefly, but certainly. Before his best friend had closed his eyes.
But it would be fine, he suddenly knew, it would be okay. There would be a balance. They would find it.
Until then, the only thing to do was wait.
And so, he waited on his plastic seat, watching the wet glittering tracks, watching night turn into day. Waiting for destiny to finally toss the coin again. For their new chance. The one they would seize.
And he was ready.
Damn it, Merlin was bloody ready for that.