-4-

BPOV

Senior year - graduation

—

He did as I asked. He left me alone. No longer was Edward waiting for me outside of my classes. He didn't sit at our table at lunch, and I rode to school with Angela. He acted as if I didn't exist any longer, which hurt, but was necessary.

I hated it, but it was what I wanted. It was more than that; it was what I needed.

The funny thing about the whole situation was that in my heart I believed that he cared about me, but my brain...that was another story. Unfortunately, the voices in my head were much louder than the ones in my heart. In my heart I wanted to believe that maybe he saw something inside me no one else did.

But it didn't matter what he saw in me. You're unlovable. You're not worth his time. Look how easily he gave up. He'll find someone better, someone just as beautiful as him. He'd run if he ever saw you naked. It was a constant loop of self hatred inside my head.

Most days, I closed my eyes as I got into the shower, not wanting to see my reflection in the full-length mirror. But there were days when I felt like torturing myself, and I'd stand there and stare. I'd count every silvery line on my belly, every dimple and dip on my thighs.

Those were the mornings that I let myself cry, the ones when I told myself how much I hated being me. I'd let myself swim in Mike's cruel words or my dad's silence and nasty looks. I'd hear my mom's voice over and over telling me I just had to try harder, and that with such a pretty face, if I lost weight I'd be gorgeous.

And even though they'd done nothing but support me, I grew further from Rose and Alice. Lunches together were quieter than ever. I didn't confide in them the same way I had years prior. Still, they were always there with kind words and hugs when I felt like the world was caving in, but that didn't mean they got it. There was no way they could know the pain that I felt, and I didn't want either of them to ever have to experience an ounce of it.

No one bothered them. No one shoved notes in their lockers to tell them they were a fat bitch. They weren't stared at if they ate extra food at lunch or jumped on the snack line for cookies.

I was sure they both had their insecurities, but for me personally, I couldn't imagine them feeling the same as I did. At any given moment they could walk into any clothing store and know that everything would fit, without having to try it on.

The most I could do was follow them around the mall, knowing there was only one store I could shop in. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, the big girl trailing her skinny friends into places she didn't belong.

They'd always pushed me to go into Torrid to try things on, but I just couldn't. Not with them watching, not knowing if the first size I'd try on would fit, or if I'd need a bigger one.

I loved them, but with graduation approaching, it felt like it was time to step back. I had this weird hope that maybe getting away from here, from my family, from the people that got so much joy out of tormenting me, I could find my place.

There was hope that I'd find a place in the world where I felt like I fit. But as much as I hoped, I wasn't naïve enough to believe that leaving alone would guarantee me happiness. I knew better than that. The chance that I might never fit in was very real. Maybe I'd never fall in love or have a family of my own. Even with those realities fresh in my mind, I still had to hope.

—DC—

My mom took my face between her hands. "I'm so proud of you, graduating, getting a full scholarship to Columbia. What am I going to do without you around?"

I wanted to laugh. What was she going to do without me? I spent most of my time at home in my room. I wanted to believe that everything my mom did and said was because she wanted the best for me. But I couldn't anymore. I had to get it in my head that it wasn't my fault that she had such a poor image of herself that she projected it on to me. So, I bit my tongue. There was no use in arguing now that my things were packed and I was ready to hop on a plane the next day. "I don't know, I'm sure you'll figure it out."

She sighed, smiling sadly. "You're right, but still...it'll be quiet. You'll be careful, right?"

I nodded. "Of course I'll be careful. I'll make sure I'm with a group if I go out at night—"

"Good, but that's not what I meant. You know all about the freshman fifteen, don't you? You need to make sure you're making smart choices, and your dorm has a gym, doesn't it?"

I blinked back my tears. Of course, that's what she meant by being careful. She wasn't worried about my safety or who I spent my time with. No, she was just worried about my cardio and what foods I put in my mouth.

She wasn't worried about things like me having unprotected sex, or getting pregnant, or a slew of STDs. She wasn't secretly slipping me condoms and reminding me to be safe, or taking me to get birth control. No, she was just worried about me gaining more weight.

There was no need to worry about anything like that, because who'd fuck the fat chick, anyway, right?

"Don't worry mom, I won't let myself get any fatter. I'll just spend all my time having wild, unprotected, sex with anyone who looks my way. I can't be picky. Getting gonorrhea is better than being fat, right?"

"Isabella!"

"Sorry. I'm just going to go upstairs and make sure I've packed everything I need."

Tomorrow couldn't come quick enough. Even if I never found happiness, anything had to be better than being here.

What are we thinking, my darlings?

I'll let you know this…from here, it'll be a bit until we meet Edward again. But if you remember the prologue, they'll get their HEA.