Do you believe in fate?

Rose

There are certain times when I feel like my lungs are not cooperating with me, today is one of those days. My thoughts consume me (as usual) as I get ready for dinner.

Wear a dress so you look beautiful, but not your definition of beautiful, their definition of beautiful. Not too long, you don't want to look old, not too short or they'll say you're a whore. Makeup has to be on point, and hair big enough, it'll be on the internet, so it has to fit the mold. Make conversation, talk a little, but don't you dare express your opinion. Keep a smile, you do not wanna seem rude, but don't laugh to loud, don't make them feel embarrassed to sit with you. Note to self, don't forget to post stories... did I download the new filters? I hope the wifi is working.

I look in the mirror and see a bulge in my stomach... they'll think i'm too fat and discard any modeling contracts. I'll just hold my breath, and suck in my gut, it's too late to throw up and I already have makeup on.

The night went smoother than i thought, we had dinner with some investors (friends of Mother and Cal) at the Poseidon, the first-class dining room. I guess the hunger was the one who triggered my anxiety? I had ordered dessert with a few glances of my mother and was currently in the middle of eating my cheesecake when Caledon stood up.

"Ladies, gentleman, may I have your attention for a moment please, i have something I would like to say..."

Please God, I beg you. Let it have nothing to do with me.

"...to my beautiful girlfriend, Rose"

Shit.

"I have had the pleasure of being with you this last year, a year full of goals and obstacles, which we have faced hand in hand. So i hope to overcome with you any obstacle that may arise. My feelings for you are stronger than ever... i beg you accept this until we can pick together a ring. Rose DeWitt Bukater, will you marry me?"

I stared speechless at the blue diamond necklace in the box. My throat was completely closed, and my heartbeat had risen considerably since Cal started talking. I had to give him an answer and it had to be quick.

You are in public Rose! Practically the whole restaurant is looking at you. I bet Poseidon himself is watching you. You can't make him look bad in front of the investors, you'll not only lose everything with the DeWitt name on it, but he will also have you blocked from every company in the world, so you'll never work again. REACT. QUICK.

"Yes"

I heard a standing ovation in the distance, my ears plugged. I felt numb when Cal grabbed my face and kissed me. I saw happiness in his eyes... was he really that happy? Maybe i'm the one who's making this bigger than it needs to be?

I don't remember much when walking back to the cabin, i told my fiancé i wanted a quick smoke and walked to the stern of the ship, away from all the people. Without a care in the world i passed a sign that said, 'no passengers allowed from this point'.

My father would know what to do.

Memories flashed in my head from when I was a kid, when i got accepted at the drama club, when he comforted me every time a boy made me cry... when he had the heart attack. I realized i didn't have time to mourn his death.

I'm not the bad guy, I swear I'm not the bad guy. Yes, I complain a lot and yes, I fail too much, but that doesn't mean I want to be the bad guy.

They taught me envy is bad and I have too much of that, I envy other girls my age, with different lives, I see them smiling, I see them living. I see them having a good relationship with both parents, I see them loving her siblings, I see them taking care of a pet. And I envy that. I used to have that and now I envy.

I see all in black and white, days are the same, days are gray. I long to achieve everything I have to do, to help, to go out and distract myself but I just can't find the strength to do so. Just getting out of bed is an accomplishment.

I'm ungrateful. Because other people don't have a roof on top of their heads or food on the table. I'm ungrateful, because some girls can't even go to public school or afford a uniform at a private one. I'm ungrateful for I'm the bad guy.

Life is not rainbows and unicorns, life is cruel, life is unfair. You have to fight for what you want, plant seeds to harvest the best, get up, dress up and move on. I envy those rainbows and unicorns I see online every day, because their world is fair but far away. I envy for I'm the bad guy.

I long to love myself, to accept myself, to give myself permission to fail. Sometimes I feel the whole world is staring at her and she doesn't know who she is. The girl in the mirror I see, she people pleases too much and doesn't stay still in her seat.

Maybe that's the problem, I wish wish wish; wishing won't bring my father back. Wishing won't erase the empty hole he left in my heart. All I know is that wishing wakes me up and makes me get out of bed. Because maybe, just maybe someday all this pain will go away. Maybe someday I'll get over it and won't miss him too much. Maybe someday the darkness won't interfere in my daily activities, and I will smile again.

With that final wish, I climbed up the railing.

Jack

It was late. I was laying on a couple of chairs i pulled together on deck looking at the stars. I have always loved the night sky, i remember my pops teaching me about the constellations, about the universe. Usually, i try to avoid the topic, but I really miss them. I remember they once told me that every shooting star is a soul going to heaven. I like to think they're stars and they're watching over me. Sometimes, even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel kind of alone, with an emptiness in my heart that they left... I closed my eyes and prayed for the first time in months, prayed to God to watch over them, pray for them to send something to fill that void.

I guess it was a sign because in that moment i heard someone sobbing. It was a girl walking towards the railing, I recognized that hair. Could it be? No way.

I walked towards her to see if she needed any help when I saw her climb up the railing. Oh god, Jack you better do something, and you better do it fast.

"Don't do it" she turned her head at the sound of my voice, I managed to see tear stains in her cheeks in the dim light.

"Stay back, don't come any closer"

"Take my hand, I'll pull you back"

"No! Stay where you are. I mean it. I'll let go."

"No, you won't." I barely noticed my choice of words until they left my mouth. Jack, you are meddling in someone else's business, this definitely doesn't concern you. You better use all your ability to convince, on this depends someone's life.

"What do you mean no I won't? Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do. You don't know me."

"You would have done it already. Now come on, take my hand."

"You're distracting me. Go away."

"I can't. I'm too involved now. If you let go... I have to jump in after you." Did I really just say that?

"Don't be absurd. You'll be killed"

"I'm a good swimmer." I said as I started to unlace my left shoe.

"The fall alone would kill you"

"It would hurt, i'm not saying it wouldn't... to be honest I'm a lot more concerned about the water being cold" She looked down. It seemed like the reality factor of what she was doing sank in.

"How cold?" She hesitated.

"Freezing. Maybe a couple degrees over" I took off my shoe and started unlacing the other one. "Ever been to Wisconsin?"

"No" She said, perplexed.

"Well, they have some of the coldest winters around... I grew up there, near Chippewa Falls. Once when I was a kid, me and my father were ice fishing out on Lake Wissota... ice fishing's where you chop a hole in the—"

"I know what ice fishing is!" She said, annoyed.

"Sorry, it's just... you look like kind of an indoor girl" Jeez. "Anyway, I went through some thin ice and i'm tellin' ya, water that cold, like that right down there, it hits you like a thousand knives all over your body, you can't breathe, you can't think... at least not about anything but the pain." I took off my left shoe. "Which is why I'm not looking forward to jumping in after you. But like I said, I don't have a choice... I guess I'm kinda hoping you'll come back over the rail and get me off the hook here"

"You're crazy"

"That's what everybody says. But... with all due respect miss, I'm not the one hanging off the back of a ship here" Judging by the look on her face, I think I convinced her. "Come on. You don't want to do this..." I stepped closer so we were standing face to face, she looked into my eyes, and I saw the entire universe in her gaze. She unfastened one hand from the rail and reached towards me.

"I'm going to put my arm around you, is that okay?" she gave me a weird look "I just... don't wanna make the same mistake as the movies when they barely grab hands and then slip"

"Okay"

I nodded and put my arm around her, and with the other hand I helped her get back on the ship. I sighed in relief. Thank God. Out of nowhere she hugged me tightly and started sobbing in my chest. The poor girl probably didn't even have a shoulder to cry on. I held her for what must've been fifteen minutes, rubbing circles to her back and gently whispering soothing things to help her calm down.

A cold North Atlantic breeze hit us and made her shiver, since she only had a dress on. I didn't hesitate in giving her my sweatshirt.

"You don't have to..."

"Miss, you're shivering"

"Don't call me miss... I'm Rose, Rose DeWitt Bukater" she said, rubbing her eyes and letting out a small chuckle.

"Jack Dawson" I said as I helped her get into my sweatshirt "by the way, you'll have to write that last one out for me" i made her laugh, that's a win. I held her hands and made her look me in the eyes. "Are you okay? Do you want to talk?"

"I'm... I'm okay... thank you Mr. Da- Jack. Thank you Jack."

I gave her a reassuring smile and squeezed her hands.

"It's late... I should probably go back to my cabin..."

"Wait... promise me you're not going to try to do anything"

"I promise Jack, I just want to go to sleep honestly... here you go"

"You can give it to me in the morning, I'll be in the park's cafeteria in Deck 7 from 10:15 to 11:00 tomorrow"

"Thank you, Jack"

"No problem... I'll walk you back to your cabin"

"No! I mean... i can find my way, thank you though"

"You sure?"

"Positive"

"Okay... I'll see you tomorrow then"

"Bye Jack" she said as she walked towards the elevator. Thinking about it, it was for the best, my card wouldn't have worked on her deck. I managed to catch a glimpse of the stars and asked myself if that really just happened. Eventually I walked back to my cabin, Fabrizio was already asleep.