Chapter 19

BPOV

There was a lump in my throat as I watched the door shut behind him. He'd uttered a quiet goodbye, and for all I knew, that was the last time I'd ever see him.

Suddenly, the reality of everything hit me. Tears were streaming down my face as I gasped for breath. I was so confused. Wasn't I supposed to be happy now? Shouldn't I feel relief that I could now see where things might go with Edward?

It was as if when the door shut behind Seth, it clicked open something in my brain and I was being assaulted by every negative thought possible.

I was a horrible person for hurting him. I threw away the only sure thing in my life. Edward was constantly making sure our interactions were private...did he actually want me?

I glimpsed myself in the mirror on the wall, and my tears fell quicker. All the things that the paparazzi hadn't yet said but could came rushing to me. I'd be known as Edward Cullen's fat love interest. There would be articles comparing me to his past girlfriends, how they were thin and gorgeous and I was big and average looking. And all the fan blogs would be full of angry women crying about how some fat bitch stole their man.

I reached for my phone, quickly pressing the button to call Tanya.

"Hello?"

"Oh, God, Tanya, I just told Seth...I just told him it's over."

"Okay, I'm gonna need you to back up and tell me everything. What exactly happened?"

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as my breaths came out shallow. "Tanya! What if I just let the only man who—"

"Whoa, stop right there. He is not the only guy! You know Edward is interested in you, and if he wasn't, there are plenty more men out there! I don't enjoy hearing this insecure, self-hatred talk from you."

"What if he wants me...but not in public? The times we were together here, he did all he could to avoid being caught together."

"Yeah, to save your ass, not his. And if that was the case, you kindly tell him to fuck off. But you did the right thing, Bella. You can't stay with someone out of fear that you'll never find someone else or because you don't want to hurt them. I know it's scary, but if you never jump, you'll never know. I think...I think you need to call Edward and tell him about these fears. You can't start a relationship with someone if you're already expecting the worst."

"I can't tell him I'm worried he doesn't want to be seen with me because I'm fat."

"Why? He's seen your body, hasn't he? He knows you've got curves. It's not going to come as this huge surprise."

"Tanya—"

"If you can't be open with him, then you need to let him go, now."

"I don't want that, either!"

"I love you, sweetie, and I'll be here for you no matter what. But you're going to have to find the courage to talk to him. You don't want to damn this thing from the very beginning."

—DC—

After my call to Tanya, I paced my room for what felt like hours, going over what I was going to say to Edward. I couldn't remember when I finally decided to do it. All I could recall was the phone ringing in my ear and his rough, sleepy voice answering the phone.

"Hello?"

"Edward," I whimpered before I started sobbing—which wasn't exactly how I planned for the conversation to start.

"Bella? Baby, what is it? Are you hurt?"

I only cried harder at his words, unable to get my own words out.

"Isabella!" he shouted. "Please, just tell me if you're hurt?" The panic was clear in his voice.

"Not hurt," I choked out.

He released a hard breath, sounding relieved. When he next spoke, his voice was soft. "Talk to me, what's going on?"

"How...how can you want someone so broken?"

"Baby, you're not broken."

"No? Then why am I having the thoughts I'm having?"

"Tell me," he whispered.

"I told Seth it was over."

"Fuck," he hissed. "Bella, if you're this upset over it, that's not what I want. If he makes you happy, if you truly love him—"

"It's not that." I hiccuped. "Of course I love him. I could have been perfectly happy with him, but then you walked into the room and I couldn't think straight. But that's not the real problem...I'm scared, Edward."

"What are you scared of?"

"That I'm not good enough. That I'll never be good enough for you. I keep thinking about the things people will inevitably say about us, about me. How they'll talk about how far out of your league I am. They'll compare me to your exes...I'll be—" I swallowed thickly, trying to find the courage to say the words. "I'll be the fat girlfriend. That's if you actually want to be seen with me," I whispered.

He was quiet for a while, long enough that I thought maybe we had lost connection. "Edward?"

"I'm here...I'm just trying to figure out what to say. I wish I knew how to make you understand the way I've always felt about you. I've been in love with you since we were sixteen." He gave a mirthless chuckle. "You are beautiful exactly as you are. You always have been. I don't fucking care what anyone says, I never have, because they're wrong. They put their own shortcomings and insecurities on you. Your mirror has always been distorted, because you obviously don't see yourself clearly. Your beauty is on the surface, but it's more than that. I want you because you have a beautiful face and a beautiful body with gorgeous curves, but you also make me smile and laugh. You have the sweetest heart, and you're brilliant. If it'll convince you, I'll get on the next flight out there. I'll drag you through the streets of New York, kissing and holding you for everyone to see."

It was my turn to be quiet. I had no clue how to reply to his words.

"Bella, I love you. I don't expect you to say it back. Hell, I don't expect you to be my girlfriend, yet. I know you loved Seth. And I know that just because that relationship is over, it doesn't mean you're ready to jump into a new one. But if you need me, even if it's just as a friend—for now—I'll get on the next flight."

"I'm a horrible person," I whispered.

He sighed heavily, and I wondered if I exasperated him. "Why?"

"Because, I hadn't seen you in almost seven years. And once I saw your name on that paper—and then again after you spoke to me—I didn't want to admit it, but my relationship with Seth was over in that moment. Even if you hadn't wanted me, I didn't feel the same about him anymore."

"Let me call my assistant and I'll figure out how to get to you by tonight, okay?"

"Okay."

—DC—

It was almost nine at night when there was a knock at my door. I pulled it open, and Edward immediately wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling his face into my neck.

I couldn't stop my tears from falling, and he held me tighter. "It's okay, I've got you, baby," he whispered against my hair. "It's all going to be okay, I promise."

As my hands clutched tightly at his back, we stood on my stoop, my tears continuing to fall. He continued to whisper reassuring words in my ear as he pressed soft kisses to my jaw. "Let's get inside," he murmured, leading me past the door and to the couch. He sat, pulling me down onto his lap, where I stiffened.

"Relax." He ran his hands down my arms before pulling me against him and kissing the top of my head.

We sat there for a long while, him with his arms around me and me resting against his chest.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

His voice startled me and I sat up, looking at him. "For what?"

I watched as he swallowed, his eyes turning glassy. "For not fighting for you when we were younger. Maybe if I had...maybe if I had been more persistent—"

I shook my head before I curled up against him once again. "I couldn't have handled that, but I'm sorry, too."

"What do you have to be sorry for?"

"For not being able to believe you loved me the first time you said it."