Track #3: Kathang-Isip
Ben&Ben
She folds the last of her clothes and neatly places it in her luggage, making sure that it is well-aligned with her other dresses just like what he had taught. The sun rays envelope the white material of her church dress creating a bright mass before her, making it appear sacred and holy. She smiles. It is bright just like him. He is so bright that he made everyone who is fortunate to know him follow and obey unhesitatingly. Just like her. Ah, she would have followed him until the end of world before. But now...
She shakes her head. She was younger then - foolish, stubborn and hopelessly inlove. Her eyes saw everything he did through a kaleidoscope of colorful emotions putting him in the highest pedestal in her heart. But it was not entirely her fault, wasn't it? He was her savior after all. He was the first human who had shown her that kindness still lives in the heart of someone. He was the one who gave her food, clothes and a home to stay and belong to when she thought that the world had completely turned its back to her. He was there when she was at the brink of death due to starvation and torture from her former master.
It was her golden eyes that had spoken to him, he had told her then. Enchanting, mysterious yet hopeless, he said. As if they had already accepted their devastating fate of being alone and helpless forever.
She had cried after hearing his words for they were true before he came along.
After closing her luggage, she picks up the locket that he gave her during her 18th birthday. Opening it, she reads the words engraved on one side.
Don't lose hope
And on the other side is a portrait of a full bloom rose which perfectly represents her according to him. Beautiful and enigmatic yet dressed with the thorns of painful memories. Her intelligence shined the brightest among the nobles, mesmerizing her audience as she spoke of subjects of importance with great fluency.
But it was all for him. All those nights she spent sleepless to read all the books in his library were to show her gratitude for his kindness and to make him feel proud of her. All of the facts and dates she memorized so she could participate to friendly debates in the plaza were to prove to him that she was doing her best to lead a life with more possibilities.
It was all for him not to regret taking her in. All for him to look at her the way she had always looked at him.
She can still remember that night of her 18th birthday - when he asked her for the first and last dances. She can still remember how achingly handsome he was in his black formal attire, how her heart skipped a bit when his hand held hers, how he took her breath away when he whispered that she was stunning and beautiful in her pink ball gown.
She can clearly remember making stories, daydreaming of a happy future with him, married with two lovely children who call them 'mama' and 'papa'. Of her being the one he would seek in time that he needed advice and insight to a particular matter. She daydreamed of being the one who would run her hands through his hair whenever he gets tired of his duties and in need of peace and calm only their bedroom could give.
But they were all daydreams and stories her lonely heart made before she went to sleep.
Every gentle smile, every encouraging word, every trust and faith he bestowed her she eagerly kept and stored in her heart. Every glance he threw her way brought her the giddy feeling that always brightened up her day. All of it had fueled her dream of a chance to be with him.
But it was all just a dream.
She carefully places the locket on top of her study table along with her final letter for him.
Hoisting up her satchel on the bed, she puts in her selected favorite books that she never gets tired of reading. They will be her company during the days and nights she would be staying in the ship until she reaches her destination. No more daydreaming, no more make up stories.
For it is still fresh in her mind how his regretful eyes stared at her when she told him she loved him. She can still clearly hear his sincere and remorseful apology when he told her that he couldn't return her feelings. He was sorry for giving her false signals, for everything he had done that made her think that he loved her, too, the way she did to him. But he loved her, he did, so much. Not just in the way she had longingly hoped. She was his precious rose after all.
And she can still vividly see his firm but broken resolve to not back out of the engagement when she asked him to after laying out her heart bare and open.
He was sorry. So, so sorry.
He could understand if she wouldn't be able to forgive him.
She already had.
After closing her satchel, she gives her room a last look, memorizing each corner that provided her solace for the last four years. She silently says a prayer of gratitude for the memories, learning, heartache and happiness it had quietly witnessed during her brief stay. Thank you for being her comfort nest when all she wanted to do was to cry. Thank you for being her quiet oasis when she couldn't put the pieces of her heart back together. Thank you, thank you.
He is standing by the door when she reaches the exit of the palace. She doesn't announce her presence at once and soaks in the peaceful final moment with him. He is there, standing with his hands on his back looking out at the large fountain where he spent most of his time teaching her how to read four years ago.
She wonders if he is thinking about it, too.
Look how far she has come.
"Your Majesty."
Upon hearing her voice, the young king faces her. His eyes quickly dart at the luggage beside her then at the large pink hat she is wearing to protect herself from the glaring sun outside.
"I'll be taking my leave now, Your Majesty." She bestows him the lowest bow she can manage. "Thank you very much for giving me a place to belong to, a home for the past four years when I thought that the world has forgotten about me. I am extremely grateful for all the kindness and trust you have given me during my stay here. I will never forget everything that you have taught me and shall carry them with me always." Her voice cracks, her clasped hands shaking. "I am truly and forever will be grateful to you, Your Majesty. No words are enough to express my deepest gratitude."
"Ceci, look at me."
Straightening up, she finds the king looking at her the way he did during the night she confessed.
Ah, perhaps she would always treasure his kind, thoughtful voice.
"Is it really necessary for you to move to a far away island to pursue being a scholar? There are a lot of establishments for learning with outstanding teachers that you can attend here."
"I understand, but I would like to seek the knowledge and culture a foreign land can provide me - to open my mind and eyes to a greater spectrum of learning and principles from people who grew up in an entirely different way."
The king stares at her for a while then with his jaw set, looks back at the fountain. She can see how his eyebrows furrow which they often do when he is upset.
In a quiet voice he asks, "Is this because - "
"No, it isn't."
Perhaps not entirely.
She takes a moment to bask in the beauty of his side profile - his high classical nose, his amethyst eyes that reflect the waters of the fountain, his permanent slightly disheveled black hair that gives him more youthful look… His lips in a thin line.
Kindness and sincerity exude in his face and perhaps those were the things that made her trust him during the very first time they met, just like how everyone in the kingdom adores the king immensely.
"Well then, at least take this with you." He gestures to a servant who gives him a leather bag. Receiving it from him, Ceci is surprised to find great amount of bills and coins inside it.
Stuttering she says, "Th-This is too much. I-I can't..."
She holds it between them but the man places his left hand on top of hers and pushes it away from him. "Please take it, Ceci. I would be restless not knowing if you are staying in a proper, clean and wonderful place and if you are eating healthily everyday. This is the least I can do."
"Your Majesty, you've done more than enough."
Tilting his head, he searches her face as if looking for something she isn't aware of. Assurance maybe? A sign of hesitation? Her fear of going to a foreign land alone?
"Will you write and let me know how things are faring for you there?"
She doesn't answer but she gives him a smile.
She can see him struggling to maintain his composure and not to let his eyebrows furrow deeper. "Well, then..." With a nod, the king clasped his hands infront of him, his wedding ring winking brightly at her. "I wish for your safety, good health and welfare. I know that you're going to outshine them all and you'll be the brightest star they would ever lay their eyes upon."
"Thank you, Your Majesty."
He sighs and that's when she notices how tired and bothered he appears. Did he stay up late thinking about her leaving? Perhaps not. Perhaps it's for all another reason.
"The palace is always open whenever you'd like to return. You are always welcome here, Ceci."
"I will remember that. With all apologies, I would have to leave now, Your Majesty. The ship will be loading passengers soon. Again, my deepest gratitude to you and everyone in the palace who have shown me kindness. Farewell, Your Majesty."
A sad and defeated smile graces the king's lips. "Farewell, Ceci. Farewell, my Rose."
And when she turns around, she never glances back. Instead, she takes a step forward with her heart still in pieces but all brought up together, into the blinding sun, ready to bravely face the new future ahead of her.