Greed
"Alenko, what are you doing?" she asks.
The tone of her voice, the way she says his name, it's painful.
"I'm just making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what," he replies. She stays silent, and so he continues to arm the charge. "It's done, commander. Go get Williams and get outta here."
He's going to die. He will die having served his duty, having laid down his life for the sake of his crew and his cause. It's a good death, it's honorable. His father would approve. And then his thoughts go to her.
He thinks about how her freckles seem to sparkle in the sun. How she smiles when she finds a single credit chit on the ground. How she can command respect and threaten people and inspire hope, all in the same sentence.
How his darkest desire is to be with her, kiss her, make love to her. How he wants it all. How he wants her all to himself.
And then she says, "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site".
But it's too late for him. He can't stop this want. He can't take it back.
Lust
Her skin is like fire. His hands wander, hungry, touching her, mapping her. He makes note of every curve, every mark, every scar. He kisses her cheeks and her neck. He kisses her lips, hot and burning. He whispers her name like a spell. It's wrong, it can't lead anywhere, she's his commanding officer. But it doesn't matter, nothing matters, the world could come crumbling down around them, and he wouldn't lift a finger. All that matters is her, shivering in his arms, moaning his name again and again like a litany.
Sloth
It's almost routine now, how they cruise around a quadrant, looking for leftover geth. They find nothing, they haven't seen much action in what seems like ages. He doesn't notice when he settles into this rhythm. He doesn't realize how time passes him by, because now almost every night he finds his way to her quarters. He doesn't recognize how this pattern makes him dizzy and distracted. He doesn't pay attention. All that matters is that it's her hands and lips that leave scorching imprints on his body and soul.
Until they don't anymore.
Gluttony
It's one more drink, one more whisky down his throat. It burns and it hurts, and yet it is nowhere close to the firestorm raging in his shattered heart. He makes a gesture to the batarian waiter, ordering another one. He chugs it without care. He feels the burning sensation again, yet that's still not it. It's still not stronger than the blaze inside him, these flames that leave him restless and hopeless and crying. It's still not stronger than the inferno that devoured the Normandy over Alchera. So he orders another one.
Pride
"I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan", she says, and it rings in his ears, it lingers. "It'll be just like old times".
He can hear the question behind it, he can hear the hope. He wants to take her into his arms, he wants to be able to drop everything and join her. Hold her again. Trail touches and kisses down her body until she pleads for him.
But he can't. He's an Alliance soldier first and foremost. She used to be that too. It used to matter. It matters to him.
„No, it won't", he answers. "I'll never work for Cerberus".
Envy
He overhears it from one of the lieutenants during the briefing. He tells it like a joke, like gossip. "So I heard the great commander Shepard is into turians now". The other soldier chuckles. It's funny. It's a spicy story about an Alliance legend. It's what you use as a conversation filler.
His mind snaps to Horizon, to seeing Garrus by her side. Then to Liara's message about Shepard being alive. "I thought you'd want to know, she's alive, she's well. And Garrus too, they visited when attending some business".
"That's Spectre authority for you", that other guy replies.
It is gossip, he knows it, there may be zero merit to it. He knows how this works. He knows how things make their way around the barracks. And whatever it is, truth or no, it shouldn't bother him. It's none of his business.
But he can't help the sudden burning sickness in his stomach.
Wrath
There are people on their knees, and they are being executed right in front of them. Their party tries to intervene but it is too late. Nobody survives. So many lives pointlessly lost at the hands of the firing squad in all too familiar colors.
"Cerberus. What are they doing here on Mars?" he asks.
"Good question", she replies.
His blood is boiling inside, for a split second he almost can't see, blinded. What is she saying? How can she say that?
"You don't know?"
"I'm not with them anymore Kaidan, if that's what you're asking."
When she says his name, his head bursts in a sharp pain. It's the migraine he's been carrying for the last couple of hours, hitting its peak. He tries to look at the corpses lying at his feet, but he can't. It's too painful. It's too real. And it's all Cerberus' doing.
"It wasn't", he brings himself to answer, "but you have to admit, it's a bit… convenient."
He wants to hurt her. He wants her to react. He wants her to apologize, to regret. He wants her to swear this isn't her doing. He needs her to do this. Or he will explode from all the anger and resentment and sadness that have been filling him for so long.
But she stays silent.
Purgatory
It's a loud noise and the earth rumbles beneath his feet. He tries to outmaneuver the mako that comes flying in his direction. He jumps, but something goes wrong, and he can feel immense force hitting him in the back and tossing him. There is a sharp pain in his stomach and it's excruciating, it's hot and cold at the same time. That's it, he thinks, but then an arm slides beneath his and lifts him up. He has no strength to look up, but he knows. He knows it's her.
She grabs him and pulls him towards a cover, his legs barely supporting him, shaking. The pain in his stomach seems to seep through his bones and his armor and slowly overwhelm him. He can hear her speak, but can't make out what she's saying. He struggles to stay awake. He tries to look at her, he wants to see her face. He manages to briefly turn his head and he can see her with her hand on her earpiece, and she gives him a look.
Her eyes are bright and beautiful. They are like sun under the Canadian sky. They are like waves hitting the shore before the rain comes. They are like an infinite dark space full of brilliant stars.
She motions for him to get up, he tries, but he falls forward. Again she lifts him up and pulls him. She sets a pace that he can barely keep up with. A loud familiar noise tells him that the Normandy has arrived. The cargo doors open and Liara goes in. He can feel Shepard loosen her grip on him and push him towards Liara, who catches him and takes some of his weight on.
"Here. Take him".
His heart sinks.
"Shepard…" he manages.
"You gotta get out of here", she says. He lifts his head.
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen", he replies. The pain inside his stomach blazes, but that doesn't matter now, because his heart is in anguish. It engulfs him, stronger than anything he ever felt.
"Don't argue with me, Kaidan."
It goes through his head that this is the last time she says his name, this is the last time this sweet curse escapes her lips. He will never see her again. He will never touch her again. He will never kiss her neck, breathe her scent in like it's oxygen.
"Don't leave me behind", he pleads.
It's torment. It's agony.
He wants to go with her. He wants to die by her side.
She looks at him, her eyes focused, her face so determined. He knows there is no changing her mind. He knows he can't follow her. He knows she has a world to save and that is bigger than the two of them. Than anything.
"No matter what happens," she starts with a broken voice and takes a few steps toward him, "know that I love you. Always."
She leans in and places her lips on his. Pictures flash before his eyes. He sees her, it's all her. She's smiling. She's angry. She's laughing. She's yelling. She's frowning. She's kissing him. She's teasing him. She's younger. She's older. She's Shepard.
"I love you too", he says.
And then he realizes, it's done. This is it. He's suffered, and now he's paid his dues. She'll come back. She will. She has to. He deserves it. They deserve it.
"Be careful", he adds.
Because this can't be over.