SLACKERS
EPISODE V
DEARLY DEPARTED DEATH STICKS
One day, many moons ago, in the booming metropolis known as Saffron City, a young man was walking the streets downtown. He was on his way to the nearest Pokémon Center after a humiliating defeat at the hands of a Bug Catcher with a secret weapon. During the climactic battle, the innocent looking trainer summoned a Level 100 Scizor to fight the challenger's team of Level 30-something Pokémon. The end result was a slaughter, even though the challenger had managed to catch a Mew. He had only been a trainer for a year, so he still hadn't quite figured out his battling style. Apparently, the "use Mew all the time and freak people out" strategy was not impervious to failure after all. To be fair, Bug Catchers aren't exactly known for their high-level Pokémon.
The trainer of the overpowered Scizor could see the shock, awe, and frustration on his challenger's face following his defeat. In addition to foregoing the payment made at the end of the battle, the catcher tossed the challenger a small box about the size of a credit card. He advised the challenger to use it to his advantage, as its contents held the key to keeping one's cool and sharpening one's focus in the heat of battle. His Poke Balls stowed away and his feet carrying him to the Saffron City Pokémon Center a few miles away, the trainer opened his new box to find matches, and some dry tobacco leaves encased in cylindrical paper wrapping. His stress level elevated to heights previously considered unfathomable, he took a match, lit up one of the dried plants, took a drag, and subsequently began what would become a 17-year habit.
Today, he is with his friends at a bowling alley in Kremling, one of the boroughs of his current residence, New Donk City. He is joined by his girlfriend, Misty, and his friends Wario, Knuckles, and Sonic. They are three frames into their first game. Wario is in the lead with 42, the power behind his swing causing the pins to practically drop in fear when they see his bowling ball speed down the lane. Knuckles is sitting at a comfortable 38. He may not have Wario's power, but he is easily the most focused of the players. It's too bad his judgment isn't as sharp as his aim, as he has gone for the ten in a 7-8-10 split from time to time, costing precious points. Sonic is back for the first time in months after being thrown out during his last visit. Apparently the management didn't take kindly to his using the spindash move to knock the pins over himself like in Sonic Adventure. Now that he's playing fair, he's in dead last, but he's still being a good sport as usual.
And then there's Mike, the trainer with the long standing bad habit. His turn has just been completed, and he's now watching Misty step up to the line. He is sitting in one of the chairs around the nearby table, his legs resting on the chair next to him. A Lucky Strike rests betwixt his right index and middle fingers, a small cloud escaping from his mouth. He smiles as he watches his girlfriend strut toward the lane, her feminine features highlighted by the twist of her arm as she rolls the ball toward the unsuspecting pins, knocking over all ten of them...
Misty: Woohoo! Finally!
A short cartoon plays on the screen above their lane, showing a bowling ball with eyes and pilot goggles flying at supersonic speed for the pins, causing them to fly into outer space upon impact.
Wario: Huh. I guess girls CAN bowl.
Misty appears to ignore Wario as she stands by the ball return, awaiting her aptly-colored cerulean bowling ball.
Wario: Hey, did you hear me?
A calm expression on her face, Misty gently picks up her bowling ball and casually walks toward Wario and Mike. Not giving an appearance of aggression, she pretends to stretch her arms, then swiftly swings her arm holding the bowling ball, making direct contact with Wario's face.
Misty: Mysogonist asshole.
Sonic: You know, it really is a wonder that Mona puts up with you sometimes.
Knuckles: I was gonna say it's a wonder HE puts up with HER sometimes. A match made in heaven, I suppose.
Wario: Ugh…
Wario grunts, slowly gets out of his chair, and heads for the ball return. He wastes no time sticking his tongue out at Misty on his way. She sits down next to Mike, and across from Sonic.
Mike: When are you guys finally going to stop beating the shit out of each other? It'd be nice for you two to get along just once.
Misty: I'll start being nice to that prick once Sonic promises never to run again, you promise never to smoke again, and Knuckles promises never to punch Wario again.
Sonic and Knuckles look at each other, then back at Mike and Misty.
Sonic: … yeah, looks like it's never gonna happen.
Knuckles: She's got you there, bud.
The four at the table are mildly startled when they hear the crash of the bowling pins nearby. Wario has just knocked over seven, leaving three remaining in close proximity to each other.
Sonic: Overkill much?
Knuckles: Don't you dare start about overkill in bowling. I don't want you getting us ALL kicked out.
Sonic: *sigh* For the LAST time, I'm sorry! Someone had to make it more interesting!
Knuckles: I was riding a perfect game for five frames, you dick!
Sonic: Come on Knuckles, we all knew you were gonna blow it one way or another.
Knuckles: Watch it…
Sonic: I'm just saying, it's not my fault you suck at bowling.
Mike: Chrissakes, they argue more than you and Wario.
Misty: That's debatable.
Fresh off securing his spare, Wario struts back to the table, indicating the start of Sonic's turn. Probably good timing, considering Knuckles looks like he wants to throw Sonic into the next universe.
Knuckles: Hey Sonic! Try to avoid the gutters! Pretend they're Amy!
Knuckles' remarks were made mid-swing, causing Sonic to send his ball directly into the right gutter.
Sonic: What the hell, Knuckles?!
Knuckles: Geez, I didn't think you were THAT obsessed with her. That ball was in the gutter less than a second after you threw it!
Sonic grumbles and waits for his ball to be returned.
Wario: I'm still not convinced you guys aren't gay with each other.
Knuckles shrugs.
Knuckles: I'd rather be gay than—
Wario: Don't say it.
Knuckles: Say what?
Wario: You know damn well what.
Knuckles: You know what I call guys like you?
Mike: Oh god.
Knuckles: WHIP—
Voice: Excuse me, sir?
Mike, Misty, Knuckles, and Wario stop to look in the direction of the voice interrupting them. It's a bowling alley employee. Judging by the name tag he's wearing, it's probably safe to assume the employee's name is Fred.
Fred: Excuse me, there's no smoking indoors.
Mike: Wait, what?
Wario: That explains why all the ash trays are suddenly missing…
Fred: You're gonna have to put that out, sir.
Mike: Are you serious? I've been coming here for years and I've never heard of a no-smoking rule.
Fred: New policy, management began enforcing it last week.
Mike: Oh, come on!
Fred: If you want to continue, you're going to have to take it outside.
Mike: You mean I have to go all the way out the front door and waste my time watching people come and go if I want to smoke?
Misty: Mike, it's really not that big a deal…
Fred: It's either that or your group will have to leave.
Wario: The hell we will! I'm not leaving because our resident chimney won't follow policy.
Knuckles: Mike, just put the damn thing out and bowl with us.
Mike sighs, stands up, and takes one more drag.
Mike: Fine. I'll go outside. My turn isn't for a while, anyway.
Knuckles: It's right after mine, and I'm up now…
Mike: I'll be quick.
Mike walks away from the others and out the front door. He looks exasperated, but calm enough to function. The others are clearly embarrassed and direct their attention to Fred.
Knuckles: Sorry about that.
Wario: Yeah, he can be a real prima Donna about the most mundane things…
Misty: Said the pot to the kettle.
Wario: Who the hell even SAYS things like that anymore? Get with the freaking millennium!
Misty, equally exasperated, lets out a sigh and decides to ignore Wario. Fred takes his leave of the group, bound for another group that has brought in outside beverages. Sonic can tell Misty is tired, and he gives her his attention.
Sonic: Something on your mind? You look like you haven't slept in forever.
Misty: I just wish he'd kick the damn smoking habit already. He knows I'm not a fan, and it seems he's always inconveniencing us somehow with it.
Sonic: How long has he been a smoker?
Misty: Um… hm. Well he started right after we met. He had his ass kicked by a Bug Catcher who gave him his first pack. So, seventeen years now?
Sonic: Jesus. That would be a hard habit to break.
Wario: I tried to get him to stop once.
Knuckles, having just scored 8 in one frame, walks back to the table.
Knuckles: I take it that didn't go too well?
Wario: I hid all his smokes and lighters and pretended to help him look. Would have worked if a certain annoying pink Pokémon hadn't ratted me out.
Sonic: Do we want to know what Mike did to you after that?
Wario: … I can't talk about it.
Wario grimaces and rubs his butt cheeks. Knuckles notices Mike walking back to the group and gestures for them to quickly change the subject.
Mike: Well, I'm back. Stupid goddamn no smoking rule…
Knuckles: Just take a deep breath and get over it. It's your turn.
Mike picks up his bowling ball, a marble-style combination of red and black, takes a deep breath, and tosses his ball down the lane. The ball curves into the gutter at the last moment, barely missing the tenth pin. He lets out an annoyed sigh. The ball returns, Mike takes another deep breath, and rolls one more. Same exact result.
Mike: Goddammit!
He turns around, walks past the ball return, and bypasses the table.
Wario: Where the hell are you going?
Mike: Outside. I'll be right back.
Knuckles: Again?
Mike ignores Knuckles and stomps back the way he came, out the front door to light another cigarette. Misty sighs, looking upset.
Knuckles: Hey, Mis. It's getting on my nerves too.
Misty: I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything to get him to quit, but every time he does, he turns into a complete asshole.
Wario: He's always been an asshole…
Sonic: When was the last time someone made a serious effort?
Misty: Years ago. I've thought about going as far as having an intervention, but I can see it going south pretty quickly.
Knuckles: Let's at least give him until the end of the evening. If he keeps breaking every turn, we'll talk to him.
Wario: And when he starts punching?
Knuckles: We'll just cross that bridge when we come to it.
Misty, Wario, and Sonic take their turns bowling. They notice Mike returning as Knuckles is stepping up to take his shot.
Wario: Glad you could join us.
Mike: Sorry. Ain't my fault they changed the rules on me.
Knuckles takes a deep breath and prepares to bowl.
Sonic: Hey, look! Rouge is here!
Knuckles: Where?!
Distracted, Knuckles sends the ball directly into the gutter only six feet ahead. He begins fuming at the laughing hedgehog at the table.
Knuckles: It wasn't funny the first time, why would it be funny the next sixteen times?!
Sonic: Seventeen. And it gets funnier every time!
Knuckles, realizing Sonic might be trying to get him riled up, shakes his head and returns to his seat, signaling Mike to take his turn. He is able to land a spare before walking back to the table with a smile on his face. He takes a seat to watch Misty bowl. When she returns, he stands up, getting ready to go back outside. Misty gently grabs his wrist.
Mike: What is it?
Misty: Can you stay inside with us? Please?
Mike: I'll just be a minute…
Knuckles: Okay, someone has to tell you. You have a problem.
Sonic: I'm afraid I have to agree. It's no fun having you here if you're going to spend over half the game outside smoking by yourself.
Wario: Downright annoying, too.
Mike raises an eyebrow.
Mike: You think it's really that bad?
Misty: YES. At least finish out the evening with us without going outside.
Mike: Alright. If anything I'll prove I don't have a problem. I think you guys are overreacting a bit.
The next round continues, and Mike takes his next turn. Two gutters.
Mike: Motherfucker!
Knuckles: Easy there, cowboy.
Mike storms back to the table, wanting badly to go back outside, but a look on Misty's face prevents it. He can't tell if it's a genuinely honest plea or a threat of having his face punched. Either way, he sits down, his foot twitching furiously. He is able to make it through the next frame, where he only hits two pins before sitting down, resting his head on his hand and continuing to fidget.
Wario: Still don't think you have a problem, M?
Mike: If I admit I have a problem, will you guys shut the hell up?
Knuckles: Wouldn't be a bad start.
Mike: Fine, I have one. Happy? Good. Can we just bowl now?
The rest of the evening proceeds as one might expect. Wario ends up winning, and Mike, although off to a good start, ends up in dead last and is none too happy with the outcome. The guys change shoes and pack up their bags as they prepare to leave.
Misty: Well, I'm proud of you. Thanks for staying with us the rest of the night.
Mike: Hm? Oh yeah sure. No problem.
A look of concern takes over Misty's face as she follows Mike back outside, with Sonic, Knuckles and Wario in tow. Once outside, Mike lights a cigarette. In the past, this had been considered normal and routine, but now, everyone is visibly annoyed.
Mike: What?
Sonic looks over at Knuckles.
Sonic: Has he always been this bad?
Knuckles: You know, now that you mention it, yeah. We've just never been bothered to notice.
Mike: Since when are you guys all so high-and-mighty about it?
Sonic: We're just concerned you might be getting carried away, that's all.
Wario: It's never gonna stop. You might as well ask me to stop ripping on him.
Mike: Guys. It's fine. I can stop anytime I want.
Wario: Thaaaaat's what I was waiting to hear. *rolls eyes*
Knuckles: Waiting for the follow-up...
Mike: I just don't want to right now.
Knuckles: There it is.
Knuckles notices Misty looking at the ground as they're walking. Her arm is locked with Mike's like normal, but she appears very distant.
Knuckles: You've been quiet.
Misty snaps her head up as if she had woken up from a nap.
Misty: What? Oh, sorry. I'm just tired.
Knuckles: Right…
As the group approaches the front door to their beloved bar, Sonic and Knuckles say their goodbyes as they warp away via Chaos Control. Mike holds the door open for Misty and Wario before following them inside. Over at the bar, a certain familiar pink Pokémon waits for someone to take over serving drinks for him.
Mew: About time! Give me a hand here, I'm slammed!
Mike looks at Mew, then at Misty. She still looks upset. He looks back at Mew, then at Wario.
Mike: We're gonna help Mew out for a while, Mis. Just get everything under control.
Wario: Sure, volunteer me, I'm cool with that.
Mike: Shut up, Wario.
Misty: Okay. I'll be upstairs if you need me. Or if you want to talk.
Mike tilts his head in confusion as Misty makes her way to the elevator. The doors close, and the bar owners walk over to assist Mew.
Wario: "Talk?" What did you do this time?
Mike: I honestly have no idea. Did you notice anything weird I might've done?
Wario: You mean, aside from taking smoke breaks every two seconds and ignoring all your buddies?
Mike: Dude, come on.
Wario: Mike. Really.
Mike and Wario walk behind the bar, relieving Mew of some of his impatient and thirsty customers.
Mew: What are we talking about? Not that I really need to ask since I'm a Mew and I can read minds.
Mike: Mew, I swear to God, if you read my mind again, I'll buy a litter of Houndour puppies and train them to pee on your bed.
Mew: You're in a worse mood than usual.
Wario: That's because we decided we're tired of his smoking habit.
Mew: Why? No one's ever complained about it before.
Wario: They stopped letting people smoke in the bowling alley, so Mr. Chimney here kept taking breaks every five seconds and practically spent the whole time outside.
Mew: Seriously? Mike, I've seen you go hours without smoking and you were fine.
Mike: It's not the lack of smoking, it's the principle! It's knowing one CAN smoke if they want to. Being told I can't tends to bring out the… um… *waves hands looking for words*
Wario: Dick in you?
Mike: Dick in me… HEY!
Wario and Mew break out into hysterical laughter.
Wario: I was wondering if that'd work, and it did!
He and Mew high five.
Mike: You guys are assholes.
Mike walks from behind the bar, bound for the back door into the alley.
Wario: Where are you going?
Mike: Outside. I need to clean up the alley.
Mew: Why? I can just use my powers to clean it instantly.
Mike: I know, but sometimes I'd rather do the work myself, the old fashioned way. Helps me feel like I've actually done something productive.
Mike exits the bar, leaving Wario and Mew to tend to the customers. Ten minutes pass, and Mike isn't back inside yet. However, the elevator doors open, and Misty emerges, walking towards Mew.
Misty: Hey guys, where's Mike?
Wario: He just went out to clean the alley.
Misty looks at the back door and sighs, instantly knowing the truth.
Misty: Alright, thanks.
Wario and Mew are confused by Misty's demeanor. She is normally hot-headed with a bad temper, but today, she seems depressed. Unusual for her. She makes her way out the door, and sure enough, finds Mike leaning against his building, smoking. He knows Misty wanted to have some kind of conversation with him, but his chronic oblivion prevents him from instantly recognizing her concern.
Mike: Hey.
Misty: Hey.
Mike: What's going on?
Misty puts her hands in her jacket pockets and leans against the building next to Mike. She looks up at the sky, barely able to make out a handful of stars.
Misty: Have you ever thought about quitting?
Mike takes a drag, then a deep breath.
Mike: I've tried, remember? It's such a pain to stop. I know I get extremely agitated and unfriendly when I try, and I don't want anyone getting hurt.
Misty: Don't you see, though? You're using nicotine as a cop-out to avoid working on your anger.
Mike: I'd hardly call it a cop-out. I see it as an easy way to keep the anger at bay.
Misty: That's not true. You don't have an angry, violent personality that isn't just magically suppressed. I understand why it's hard.
Mike: No offense, Mis, but I don't think you understand what it's like when every muscle in your body starts hurting and your skin feels like it's crawling all over itself. Anyone would get a little pissed in that situation.
Misty: Then can you at least cut it back? When we were in Kanto, you only smoked a handful a day. After a battle or with friends. Never round-the-clock just to feel normal like you do now.
Mike ashes his cigarette and tosses the butt in the nearest trash can.
Mike: I didn't realize it bothered you so much.
Misty nods.
Misty: And I haven't even started on your health yet. I'm really worried about you.
Mike pauses in thought. He can't remember the last time Misty was this serious about anything. Normally she's just as sarcastic and filthy as he is. So this must be a genuine concern.
Mike: Alright, Misty. If you can help me see through it, maybe find a new habit to replace the old one… I'll give quitting a try.
Misty: Of course I'll help you. But if I catch you with one more cigarette, I'll kick your ass so hard your nose will bleed.
Mike: *laughs* I'll keep that in mind. Who knows, maybe it won't be so hard.
The next evening, at the bar…
Mike: If you want wings so fucking badly, then go to the goddamn wings bar down the street, you buttfucking son of a bitch!
Clearly, the quitting is not going very well.
Mr. Game & Watch: Fine! I'll just go over to Mario's! You, sir, have just lost a customer!
Mike: Is that supposed to be a threat or a promise? Get the hell out of here, you son of a (Editor: I need to censor this bit. Mike is saying all sorts of… colorful allusions to G 's mother)!
Mew is behind the bar, looking the most awkward he's ever looked in his life. He knows Mike hates Game and Watch, but this is a level he has never seen. He slowly floats over to a fuming Mike, who taking his anger out on the dishes he's violently scrubbing.
Mew: Hey buddy… need any help?
Mike: *curtly* I'm fine, Mew.
Mew looks out into the tables and sees Misty, her hand buried in her palms in shame. Mew signals for her to walk over and attempt to diffuse the tense atmosphere.
Misty: Need me to take over, hon?
Mike: No thanks. If I stop I know I'll light up immediately. Need to stay distracted.
Misty: Maybe you could be nicer to the customers, though?
Mike: That sad sack of shit had it coming!
Mew: Maybe… but… you could have just asked him to leave…
Mike: Don't tell me how to run my bar, Mew.
Mew: I'm not. Just trying to help.
Misty leans on her arm, propped up on the bar. Mike resumes focusing on washing dishes as Misty and Mew exchange tired glances. She's happy Mike has made it one day without smoking, but she realizes she's going to have to deal with that difficult transition period. Even if it takes months or years. Mike sighs, unable to focus on anything.
Mike: I don't think I can feel any worse. I don't think anyone in the universe can have a worse day than me right now…
And, of course, by divine cue, Wario enters the bar, looking even more dejected than Mike. In a week of unusual characteristics, Wario actually appears incredibly sad and depressed.
Mew: Hey Wario… are you okay?
Wario ignores Mew, bound for the bar. Mew flies over to allow Wario to take over for him as the fat Italian hangs his coat on a nearby rack. Mike, in no mood to put up with Wario's attitude, is the first to delicately handle the situation.
Mike: The hell's wrong with you? Who died?
Wario: No one died, dumbass. Unless you count my joy.
Misty: *rolls eyes* Oh, brother.
Mew: Are you gonna tell us what happened?
Wario: Fine. If you really must know, Mona dumped me.
Reactions are unanimous, and not what Wario had in mind. Misty pretends to appear concerned, but anyone can see her struggling not to giggle, hiding her mouth behind her hand. Mew closes his eyes and stretches his neck, trying to think of anything to distract him. Mike is blunt.
Mike: Seriously? SHE dumped YOU?
Wario: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Mike: You really don't see the humor behind the idea of her dumping anyone.
Wario: It's not fucking funny!
Mike: … I'm just leaving it at that.
Wario looks at Mew and Misty, clearly trying their hardest not to laugh.
Wario: Am I missing something?
Mew: Wario, Mona is the kind of girl who would kiss anyone with a quarter.
Wario: Please tell me where you're going with this. I really want to be enlightened.
Mew: So the idea of her dumping someone has to mean they must be really, REALLY lame in the sa—
Wario: You have five seconds to either shut your damn mouth or fly somewhere I can't find you.
Mew floats up.
Mew: I'm sorry… I-I can't h-help it… I g-g-gotta go…
Unable to stay and put on a straight face, Mew soars for the alley door, letting loose his hysterical laughter. Wario directs his attention to Misty.
Wario: Anything you care to add, Carrots?
Misty: Today there's nothing you can say to piss me off, Wario!
Mike: Me neither. Some of us are having problems here.
Wario: You trying to say I shouldn't have a problem with being dumped?!
Mike: Have you ever tried quitting nicotine before?
Wario: No, because I'm not dependent on those damn things like a little pussy!
Mike: You're calling me a pussy? You're the one who's been kissing Mona's ass for years because no one else would have you!
Wario: You're just jealous that I don't need drugs to not feel the urge to kill everyone in sight, you friggin junkie!
Mike: You're just jealous that I have a girlfriend and you don't!
Wario: I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!
Mike: COME AND GET ME, YOU SON OF A—
Mike and Wario immediately fall to the ground, wincing in pain. Misty is seen standing over them, putting her pepper spray back into her purse.
Misty: That's enough, you idiots!
The bar owners look at each other angrily for a moment, but they realize they're taking their anger out on each other. Mike offers a hand, Wario takes it, and they help each other up.
Wario: Sorry.
Mike: Me too.
Misty: Look, let's face facts. There will be a really hard few days ahead. We just need to stay calm, stay focused, and see all this through.
Misty looks at Wario.
Misty: If you need time at home to recuperate, go ahead. I can take over and help Mike run the place.
Wario scowls and grunts.
Wario: I'll be fine. I just need a distraction.
Mike: My thoughts exactly. Let's just focus on work and try not to kill anyone.
Wario: First one to commit murder surrenders his share of the bar?
Mike: You're on, War.
A week later…
Nellie: Look, I'm going to just be direct about the elephant in the room. You look NOTHING like you did in your photo.
Wario: *groan*
Wario is at a fancy Italian restaurant, sitting opposite an extremely heavy woman with a butch haircut and a flannel button down shirt. He appears just as annoyed as her, as she looked at least 150 pounds lighter in her photo. He has deduced she must spend way too much time on photoshop.
Nellie: I mean, when you said you owned a highly successful restaurant, I didn't realize you meant the dump downtown. You really need to work on honesty if you ever want hope at finding love.
Wario rolls his eyes, sighs, rests his head on his propped-up hand, and stares at the spaghetti in front of him. His appetite has long since disappeared.
Nellie: And another thing, you're a terrible listener. I mean, you haven't acknowledged me at all. I'm going above and beyond to be charming. Everyone else likes me, and you must be pretty screwed up in the head to not be kissing my ass.
Wario has had enough. He slams his fork down on the table.
Wario: You want to talk about honesty? When was the last time you used a fucking treadmill? In utero? Does your diet just consist of butter, salt, and sugar cubes? How many times do you have that meal per day, like 60? And what part about your hair or your wardrobe gives ANY indication that you might be even the tiniest bit attractive? Were you so fucking stoned when you looked in the mirror that you actually thought you looked decent? Yeah, I'm a husky guy but at least I'm honest about it and don't try to make up for it with bad attempts at humor. Have you ever considered that you may not be as popular and as well liked as you think you are? Are you really that deluded?
Furious that she has been called out, Nellie stands up and throws a big fit.
Nellie: Whenever you're ready to apologize, don't even bother because you just blew it!
Wario: Oh dear god, I lost my chance to spend another second with you? Whatever shall I do! Don't forget your butter sticks and bread rolls on the way out, you friggin' manatee!
Nellie begins storming out of the restaurant. Sure enough, she grabs a bunch of butter packets from a nearby table on the way out. Wario signals the nearest waiter.
Wario: Yeah, can I get this to go please?
Waiter: Of course.
Wario: And my date said she's covering the check, she just had to run outside to get her wallet.
Waiter: Alright, sounds good. I'll be right back with that box.
The waiter is seen heading to a counter to get a to go box. He returns it to Wario's table, then walks back into the kitchen.
Wario: Hehe. Sucker.
Wario nonchalantly takes his leftovers and proceeds to walk out the door. As he is opening the front door, a hostess stops him.
Hostess: Excuse me, did I just see you leave your table without paying?
Wario: Huh? Oh, my date's covering it.
Hostess: You mean the lady who was sitting with you? I just saw her get in her car and drive off.
Wario: Uh…
The hostess folds her arms. A manager takes notice and arrives to investigate.
Manager: Is there a problem here?
Hostess: If I didn't know any better, I'd say we've got a potential dine and dasher in front of us.
Wario: No, it's not like that! It's… well…
Wario catches a bus in the corner of his eye. An opportunity to bail.
Wario: Actually, it is. By the way, my name's Mario. So long, losers! Ah-hahahahaha!
Wario rushes out the door and is chased by the manager and two wait staff. He hops on the bus right before the doors close. As the bus drives away, Wario makes faces at the angry staff and flips them off, watching them chase the bus, shouting what are most likely obscenities. He takes a seat on the bus, and realizes he has just sat down next to an attractive young woman. He takes his hat off, runs his fingers through his hair, and smiles in Wario fashion.
Wario: Afternoon ma'am, where might a fine young lass like yourself be finding yourself on a sunny afternoon such as this?
Girl: Trying to text here…
Wario: I can show you things you'd never dream of finding on Google.
Girl: Eeeehhhh… I'm, um, I'm good. Thanks.
Wario: Come on…
She reaches into her bag and pepper sprays Wario. He falls to the ground screaming.
Wario: AAAAGH!
The girl calmly stands up and exits the bus once it comes to a stop. A cop approaches Wario.
Joe: You didn't actually expect that to work, did you, pal?
Wario: Oh screw off, you're not the boss of me.
Joe: Actually, right now, I am.
The cop flashes his badge and pulls out a pair of handcuffs.
Wario: What the—?!
Joe: You're under arrest for theft, harrassment, and public intoxication.
Wario: Public intox… but I'm not drunk!
Joe: *raises an eyebrow* Oh. Really? Huh. Guess that just makes you really damn stupid.
Wario: Hey!
A few hours later at the bar…
Misty: Thanks for coming to help, Knuckles.
Knuckles: Of course. What's going on?
Misty: It's Mike.
Knuckles: What about him?
Misty: … you'll see when he gets here.
The elevator emerges, and Mike walks towards his bar. He looks tired, and he appears to have put on at least 10 lbs. since last week.
Mike: Hey guys.
Misty walks from behind the bar, making space for the owner.
Mike: Knux.
Knuckles: Hey. Um, so, how's the quitting going?
Mike: It sucks ass. My head hurts, I'm always stressed, and I swear I can feel my skin actually crawling.
Knuckles and Misty look at each other, then back at Mike.
Mike: What?
He realizes they're both thinking about his physique and can't come up with a proper way to address it.
Mike: Look, it's only a few pounds. It's stress weight, I'll work it off.
Misty: I don't think you realize how much more you've been eating and drinking, hon.
Mike: What are you talking about? I haven't changed any habits.
Misty: What about the seven six-packs of dark beer you've had over the last week?
Mike: Well…
Misty: Or the three days you ate an entire pizza all by yourself.
Mike: Uh…
Misty: Mike, you're no healthier than you were when you were smoking. Now instead of worrying about your lungs, I have to worry about your heart!
Mike: Well what the hell do you guys want from me?!
Knuckles: Look bud, I've known you for a long time, since the three of us were in Kanto together years ago. We know you're making an effort, but replacing one bad habit with another is not a good idea.
Mike: You got any better ideas?
Knuckles: Not exactly, no. But I do know we can try to get you on a new habit, something healthier. To replace smoking, getting drunk, and eating as much as Wario.
Misty: Yeah, there's already a fat guy in the group. We don't need two, or it stops being funny. Every group has one fat guy.
The phone behind the bar begins ringing. Mike is the closest one to it, so he walks over to answer it.
Mike: Slackers, can I help you?
Wario: Mike, it's me. I'm in jail!
Mike: Oh god. What did you do this time?
Wario: Does it matter? This is my one phone call and I'm not wasting it telling you my life story! Just come get me out of here!
Mike: *sighs* Alright, I'll be there soon. Try not to cause even more trouble, please.
Wario: … no promises.
Mike: Then no bail.
Wario: I was kidding! Christ.
Mike hangs up the phone and reaches for his jacket nearby.
Knuckles: What was that all about?
Mike: It's Wario. He's in jail again.
Knuckles: Seriously?
Mike: Mis, can you take over?
Misty: Sure. Just try not to land yourself there too.
Mike: Ha ha. Come on, Knuckles.
Knuckles: *groan* Right behind you.
The police station, a few minutes later…
Joe the cop is seen leaning back in a desk chair, his back resting against the wall and the chair on its hind two legs. Wario is inside the jail cell, his head resting on his hands, which are propped up by his elbows resting on his knees. He is incessantly tapping his fingers against his cheeks in boredom.
Wario: Can you just let me out already? My partner's on his way as usual.
Joe: It might be more convenient at this point to just build a new cell specifically for you since you just can't seem to stay away.
Wario: That's horse crap! I was framed last time!
Joe: The town knows you, Wario. You can't blame an atomic waft of that magnitude on anybody.
Wario: I'm telling you, you can't put people in jail for farting!
Joe: You can if it causes a public disturbance and sends two people to the hospital with secondhand flatulence.
The door to the other side of Joe opens, and Mike and Knuckles make their way inside.
Joe: Thanks for coming, Mike.
Mike: What'd he do this time, Joe?
Joe: He stole two meals from a restaurant and sexually harassed a girl on the bus.
Wario: Harassment?! I was just having a conversation!
Joe: Shut up, inmate!
Joe hits Wario with a baton through the jail bars.
Wario: Ow!
Knuckles: Ha!
Mike: What's his bail this time?
Joe: I hate to do this to you, but it's ten g's this time.
Mike: What?!
Joe leans into whisper in Mike's ear.
Joe: Look buddy, if you want to just use Mew to get the cash, I won't tell anyone. I just can't go to my boss empty handed again.
Mike sighs and pulls out his checkbook. He writes a check to NDPD for 10,000 and gives it to Joe. Joe opens the cell door, allowing Wario to walk out free.
Mike: You owe me, fat ass.
Wario: Hey, watch it. You're getting kinda pudgy yourself.
Mike: Between giving up cigs and busting your ass out of jail… AGAIN… you can forgive me for letting myself go a slight bit.
Wario: Slight? You've got love handles, pig boy!
Mike rolls his eyes and turns around.
Mike: You can keep him, Joe. Keep the money as a tip.
Wario: Wait! Sorry, I was kidding! Um… I was… just inspiring you to not get bigger! Yeah, that's it!
Knuckles: Wario, you're so fat, NASA uses you as a point of reference when charting planets.
Wario: I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
Mike: Not this again…
The guys exit the station, and begin walking down the street, bound for the bar.
Mike: So I take it the date didn't go too well?
Wario: Dude, it was a nightmare. First off, she weighed more than me—
Knuckles: Holy shit!
Mike: What was her name, the Sun?
Wario: Hey, can I finish? Thanks. She was a complete narcissist. Always making herself the victim. Astounded that the world doesn't revolve around her. Either that or she's just too stupid to realize it. And it's like she tries to go out of her way to be an ugly-ass bitch. "Woe is me!" "It's all everyone else's fault that I'm getting screwed over!" Skank.
Knuckles: You seem really upset by this person.
Mike: I can't say I blame you. I certainly wouldn't want to have to deal with that anymore than I have to.
Mike stares at the fourth wall for a moment.
A poof is heard behind the guys. They turn around and see a small amount of smoke, but nothing else. Mike turns back around.
Mew: BOO!
Mike: AGH!
Startled, Mike stumbles back and hits Knuckles, knocking them both over. Mew somersaults in midair, giggling with a sense of self-satisfaction his trainer has grown to hate.
Mike: Goddammit, do I have to send you back to training boot camp?
Mew: I'd tell you to lighten up, but you seem to be heading in the opposite direction.
Mike: Aaargh! Enough with the fat jokes!
Wario: Good luck, I've been asking for those to stop for 28 years.
Knuckles: What are you doing, Mew?
Mew: I heard something about Wario getting arrested so I came to investigate.
Knuckles: I guess word travels fast.
Mew: Doesn't matter how fast words travel if you're a Mew!
Wario: We get it. You're omnipotent. Whoop de fucking doo.
Mew: What happened?
Mike: The usual.
Mew: Ah.
Wario: If you must know, I was on a date. A shitty one.
Mike: Yeah, like, really shitty.
Knuckles: Suuuuper shitty.
Mew: Mind if I ask how you're managing to get all these bad dates?
Mike: *awkward stare*
Knuckles: *really awkward stare*
Wario: … Tinder.
Mike and Knuckles can't resist the urge to facepalm. Mew simply shakes his head.
Mew: Wario, there are many, MANY ways to get yourself a girl better than Tinder. Let me guess. She looked decent in her photos, but looked like a fucking cow in real life?
Wario: If by that you mean she looked like the result of someone fucking a cow, then yeah, you got it.
Mike snickers.
Mew: Where are you guys heading?
Mike: The bar.
Knuckles: I guess the bar.
Wario: Home. I've had enough crap for one day and I really don't have the patience for more.
Mew: I'm going with you, Wario. We're going to work on finding you a date that doesn't suck.
Mike and Knuckles exchange glances, some sort of combination of worry and confusion.
Knuckles: Yeah… you have fun with that.
Mike: We've, um… I've got a bar to run.
Mew begins flying circles around Wario, going faster with each cycle. They disappear in a puff of smoke, presumably transported to Wario's house in an unnecessarily dramatic fashion. After shaking their heads, brushing off the weird happenings constantly finding them, they resume their walk towards the bar.
Kong's Gym, later that evening…
Through the front doors walk an awkward-looking man, an expressionless echidna, and an excited girl. This gym is fairly basic. It's almost entirely open with one giant room, lockers on the left side and a lounge near the front. The attendees are mostly average looking humans and video game characters. A few extremely muscular men are there, but there are just as many pasty skinny guys. Mike might normally fit right near the middle, but due to his extra weight, he's a bit more insecure than he was the last time he was here. Knuckles is a big fan of physical fitness, but he prefers to work out in solitude and doesn't have as much experience with gyms as Mike and Misty. Misty is thrilled. She's not one to show off, but she loves going to this gym to work out with her friends and swim laps in the pool near the back.
Mike: Gotta say, I haven't been here in a really long time.
Misty: Yeah, like five years! I'm so happy you finally decided to give it a try!
Mike: Don't get your hopes up too much. I just need to lose the extra poundage, then I'm done, right?
Misty: It'd be a great habit to replace cigarettes.
Knuckles: She's got a point, M. Regular gym visits can really do a man good.
Mike notices a few people running on treadmills, and groans. Here is a man who hates cardio more than Wario hates 1099 forms.
Mike: We're the richest people in the city. Can't we just clear out the floor below us and make it our own gym so no one has to see me look stupid?
Misty: You're not going to look stupid! You'll do great! Anyone looks better at a gym than they do smoking in an alley.
Mike sighs. He really doesn't want to be here right now, but seeing as he doesn't have much choice, he gives in.
Mike: I guess... what's the worst that could happen?
Knuckles' eyes widen.
Knuckles: Shit.
Meanwhile, at Wario's house…
This setting might be a little awkward for some, but it demonstrates what the Pokémon prankster will do for his friends. Wario's dining room table has been cleaned for the first time in years, and it is decorated with an expensive-looking tablecloth and sterling silverware. He is wearing a suit, his hair gelled back and his arms neatly resting on his lap. Across from him is a young woman with long golden blonde hair, a small black dress, and huge… tracts of land.
Wario: So, are you having a good time tonight?
Girl: I think so! I really appreciate the effort you've put into making this evening special.
Wario: Uh… yeah, great. I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Unable to think of anything to say, Wario resumes eating his steak. He and the girl keep looking up to see if the other has anything to offer.
Wario: So, um… you're from Kalos?
Girl: Yeah.
Wario: Cool.
The meal and the silence continue.
Girl: So, what are some activities you enjoy?
Wario sighs and begins rubbing his eyes in exasperation.
Wario: I'm sorry, this just isn't working. I'm having a hard time taking you seriously.
Girl: What do you mean? This is exactly what a nice date should look like! You're just not asking the right questions!
Wario: You really expect me to believe you're an actual girl and go along like this isn't super weird?
Girl: Ugh. Fine. You're no fun.
A poof, a cloud of smoke, and it disappears to reveal Mew, having reverted to his true form.
Wario: If I didn't know any better, I'd think you really enjoyed that.
Mew rolls his eyes and smiles.
Mew: I guess you'll never know, since you're such a bad listener!
Mew snaps his fingers, the table disappears, and Wario magically resumes his classic appearance.
Wario: Would you stop that?! I need to be able to get a girl by myself! Not all of us are psychic, you know!
Mew: *Sighs* Well then, I guess we're just gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.
Wario: What's the old fashioned way?
Mew spins in circles, and "Take On Me" starts playing out of thin air.
Mew: 80s montage!
Wario: Oh, god…
The song plays, and a montage begins. Mew and Wario are seen trying on new clothes, new hairstyles, trimming his mustache, and improving his manners. Mew instructs him to hold the door open for a girl, which he does, but when the next girl comes, he slams the door shut, clearly not getting it. In another scene, he is picking his nose in public, and he is zapped by a Thundershock from a giggling Mew.
Wario is then shown studying a manual on becoming a gentleman. Mew flies by to check on Wario, who appears to be paying attention. As soon as Mew's attention wanders, Wario opens a Playboy inside the big book. It doesn't take long for Mew to figure it out, as he Thundershocks Wario again. We return to the same door Wario held open, but this time, he continues to hold it open until the last girl clears. He slams it for the next guy, and Mew applauds. He goes out of his way to use the restroom to blow his nose, and the tissue is… disgusting.
The montage ends with Mew sitting at a chair outside a fitting room, and Wario emerges in a new, cleaner, more approachable outfit.
Mew: My god. I've done it.
Wario: Props to your good fortune, sir!
Mew: Hm, better check the bullshit factor. Hey Wario…
Mew farts. It's only a little squeaker, and Wario twitches his nose.
Wario: I say, that wasn't appropriate. There's a time and a place for such flamboyant flatulence and you have clearly not deciphered the right setting!
Mew: *chuckling* Oh, damn. I'm good.
Over at Mike and Misty's penthouse…
The tranquil, serene atmosphere of the quiet penthouse is rudely interrupted by three people emerging from the elevator. Misty and Knuckles are helping Mike to his recliner, as he has suffered a foot injury.
Misty: You know, I'm starting to think that buying the floor beneath us to build a private gym isn't such a bad idea…
Knuckles: Just please, please make sure someone's there to supervise him when you do.
Mike: Shut. The hell. Up…
Mike's foot is in a boot after an accident at the gym. He sits on his recliner as Misty walks to the kitchen to get him a beer. She opens it, returns to the recliner, and hands it to him.
Knuckles: I know it's been a while since you've gone to the gym, but even a five-year-old could have told you it's a bad idea to do squats that are way too heavy for you.
Mike: How was I supposed to know the weight would slip off the bar?
Knuckles: I don't know, by leaning over, maybe? You didn't stop to think that leaning to your right a little would cause the weight to slip off and crush your foot?
Mike: Danger doesn't really faze me since I have a Mew that knows Heal Pulse.
Knuckles: But Mew isn't here right now, is he?
Mike: *sighs* No, Knuckles. No he is not.
Mike's cellphone begins ringing. He takes it out and sees an embarrassing picture of Wario picking his nose. He answers the call.
Mike: Hello?
Mew: Hey Mike, it's Mew. I'm borrowing Wario's phone.
Mike: Really? How interesting! I'd never have guessed!
Mew: Real funny. Anyway, you gotta get down to Main Street. I'm by the barber shop across from the park.
Mike: Why?
Mew: Just come here! This is incredible!
Mew hangs up. Mike looks at his foot, groans, and rolls his eyes.
Mike: That was Mew. Apparently he has something "incredible" he wants us to see. I don't suppose one of you would mind carrying me?
Knuckles: Let me break your other foot and I'll do it.
Misty: Knuckles, shut up! He's so lazy he'd actually take you up on that!
Mike: Well, it was worth a try...
Main Street, an hour later
Flying around in vertical circles is a very bored-looking Mew. After what seems like days, he notices some familiar faces heading his way: Knuckles, Misty, and Mike… who is using crutches for some reason.
Mew: What the hell? I was wondering what took you so long! What happened?
The three look at each other, unsure of what exactly to say.
Mike: I… um… got my foot stuck in a… uh…
Knuckles: Wheel.
Mike: Wheel! Yeah! Some idiot ran over my foot! Dumbass.
Mew: Um… right. You want me to just heal it, or something?
Mike: Well gee, Mew. I thought you'd never ask!
Mew: Now now, not being nice certainly won't get your foot fixed!
Mike: QUIT TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M FOUR, GODDAMMIT!
Mew smiles and shakes his head.
Mew: Hm, nah.
Mike: I hate you so much right now…
Knuckles leans over and whispers to Misty.
Knuckles: You know, I've just noticed he hasn't gone out of his way to get more nicotine.
Misty: Yeah, but that little outburst might still be a side effect of the withdrawal.
Knuckles: I'm not so sure. I'd bet anyone would be that pissed if they had broken their foot that day and were getting made fun of for it.
Misty: Ah. True.
Knuckles: Mew, can you just heal Mike's foot and tell us what you needed us to see so badly?
Mew spins in midair for five seconds, and Mike's foot is immediately healed.
Mike: *halfheartedly* Thank you.
Mew: Now then. I wanted to show you that even the impossible can be achieved when challenged by the right intellect! I've been able to do something no one has ever been able to do before! This could be a day that ushers in a new era of—
Mike: Mew. I'm really doing my best to stay cool. Now please. For the love of god. Tell us why we're here.
Misty sees him fuming, but smiles at his show of restraint.
Mew: Lady and gentlemen, I give you… the new Wario!
Mew directs their attention to the nearby barber shop, and Wario emerges from the building, sharply dressed, with a clean haircut, and an aroma that doesn't smell like garlic and onions. Mike, Knuckles, and Misty are completely floored.
Mike: Oh my god… Wario?!
Wario: Ah, Mihalis! So good to see you, my dear friend!
Mike: Mew, what the fuck did you do to him?!
Mew: I made him dateable!
Misty: Get out.
Knuckles: You sure you don't mean "hateable?"
Mew: Mm-mm! I believe Wario, as a gentleman, can now get any girl he wants!
Misty glares at Mew.
Mew: Present company excluded, of course.
Misty: Good save.
Mike approaches Wario, still unable to believe what he's seeing.
Mike: Jesus. I've gone cold turkey and Wario cares about his appearance? What's happening to us?
Wario: Don't concern yourself, my good chum! We're still the strapping rogues we've always been!
Mike stares in disbelief, completely dejected.
Mike: No…
Knuckles: Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that Mona?
The others look in the same direction as Knuckles. Sure enough, Mona is walking down Main Street, heading directly for them. They aren't sure if she's deliberately approaching them or if they happen to be standing in her path. Either way, she slows down at the sight of Wario, her eyes open wide, and she tilts her head.
Mona: Wario…?
Wario: Ah, Mona! So good to see you! Still looking as beautiful as you were the day I hired you at WarioWare!
Mona: *blushes* Oh, uh… gee. Thanks!
Mike rejoins Knuckles and Misty.
Mike: Guys, something's not right here.
Knuckles: I know, a woman is talking to Wario!
Mike: No, not that! … well, yes, that too, but just this morning Wario was going on about how much he hated Mona for dumping him, and now he's being all classy and cool about it?
Misty: Where are you going with this?
Mike: I know Wario better than anyone. There's no way he can keep this up. It's only a matter of time before he snaps.
Misty: I don't know, I kind of like this new Wario.
Mike: I guarantee if he keeps this up, he'll turn into another Brock.
Knuckles and Misty quickly look shocked. She covers her mouth.
Misty: My god. What do we do?
Mike: Just stay back, and let nature run its course…
Mike, Misty, and Knuckles proceed to watch the scene unfold in anticipation.
Mona: I have to say, Wario, I had my doubts when I saw you, but I'm impressed!
Wario: Oh really?
Mona: Yeah! You used to be so crude and gross and mean and nasty, it was a wonder I saw anything in you at all! But this Wario? I think I could get used to this!
Mike: *under his breath* Speak for yourself, you bimbo.
Misty: Mike! Shut up!
Wario: Let me make sure I understand. You really had that many problems with me when we were together, but now that I've completely overhauled my entire lifestyle, you think you MIGHT be able to give me another chance?
Mona: Yeah…?
Wario looks past her and sees a guy and a girl holding hands. They both look comfortable and happy, neither of them going to extremes to impress the other. Wario looks back at Mona and comes to his senses.
Wario: You know what, Mona? This isn't me. There's only one Wario, and it's that guy you stomped all over!
Mike begins smiling as Wario continues.
Wario: That guy isn't gonna forget what you did, and neither would this guy if he was even real! I don't know why I bothered changing for you. You'll always have some kind of problem with me.
Mona: Wario, I—
Wario: No! You can go suck an egg. I'm through with people telling me who to be and what to do!
Mona: If you'd just listen…
Wario: What, Mona?!
The others brace for an explosive argument, teeth clenched and crouching behind a nearby bush.
Mona: You know what my biggest problem with you was? You never stood up for yourself. You always let people walk all over you, including me. I don't care if you're not the world's most perfect gentleman. I just want someone with a spine. Maybe you went a bit over the top in trying to become this charming, dateable guy, but even though you didn't, you discovered who you were, and you're not afraid to admit or change it.
Everyone in the area is completely stunned, especially Wario.
Wario: That's right. I'm Wario, dammit. And I don't care who has a problem with it!
Mona: Look, Wario. It is true, you can be abrasive and selfish, but I liked those underdog, dirty qualities about you when we met, before you got all soft. This, here, in front of me, is the old Wario I fell in love with.
Wario: Huh? But you just said you wondered what you saw in me!
Mona: Yeah, I know... but the more I think about it, the more I found your grossness kinda charming. Maybe I didn't realize that.
Wario: You're not making a lot of sense. Do you want me to be old Wario or new Wario?
Mona: If this is what you want to be again, the same smelly, raunchy biker you were back then, I'm willing to give you another chance. If you're willing to do the same.
The others wait with extreme anticipation to see what will happen next. Wario folds his arms and looks at Mona condescendingly.
Wario: Here's what's gonna happen. My bike is at home, a few blocks away. You're gonna go wait there for me, and like it.
Mona: Ooh… yes sir!
Mona jogs off towards Wario's house. He begins walking that way as well, but he stops to look at his friends. He holds up a V-sign with his hand, chuckles sinisterly, and continues on his way.
Knuckles: What just happened?
Mew: My creation was undone by Mona, that's what happened.
Mike: Thank god. There was no way I was going to run a bar with a pretentious asshole like that.
Knuckles: I guess that solves his girl problem.
Mike looks at Misty, who is looking at the ground, deep in thought.
Mike: Um, Mis? You okay?
Misty: I was just thinking, and you know? Mona actually made a lot of sense.
Mike: Huh?
Knuckles: What?
Mew: …
Misty: It wasn't that she suddenly got tired of Wario, she didn't like how he was changing and missed who he used to be. I guess my train of thought hasn't been too different.
Misty approaches Mike and takes his hands, standing in front of him.
Misty: You know, I don't think it really was the smoking I had such a problem with. I think it was just your obsession with feeling normal. The more you fought for peace of mind, the more indifferent, sullen, and depressed you became.
Mike: I'm not sure I'm following you, hon.
Misty: I'm saying I'm not going to try to change that part of you anymore. If nicotine helps you stay calm and happy, then by all means, go ahead. I just wish you wouldn't let it become that much of an obsession again.
Mike looks at the ground, then back up at Misty with a smile.
Mike: I gotcha now. I've been feeling so sorry for myself lately. Tell you what, I promise I'll do my best to work on that from here on out. And I'll try to practice moderation with everything… food, drinking, smoking. Enough to keep from going crazy but not enough to make it an obsession.
Knuckles: Mew, are you getting any sort of hint that we're supposed to learn some kind of lesson from this?
Mew: No freakin' idea.
Knuckles: Well Mike, I guess that means you can smoke again…
Mike: Hell yeah! Finally! I just need to run over to…
Mike looks at Misty, who has folded her arms and given him a completely blank, disapproving expression. He smiles.
Mike: You know what? Let's go to that neat locally sourced tobacco shop that just opened by the bar. We can all enjoy cigars on my balcony.
Knuckles: Sounds good to me!
Mew: Nice!
Misty: Now that's the Mike I've been waiting for.
Mike: I guess Wario and I didn't need to completely change. Just make ourselves less annoying.
Knuckles: There's that lesson, boys and girls. Don't try to completely reinvent yourself. Just work on ways to improve yourself as time goes by.
Mew: And never drop gym weights on your feet!
Mike: How in god's name did you know about that?
Mew: I didn't!
Mew, realizing he has angered Mike, flies away toward the bar, being chased by his pissed-off trainer. Knuckles and Misty follow suit, laughing along the way as they make their way to their side of town once again.
Epilogue
Mike: Dammit, it ate my bait again…
Mike and Mew are sitting on a dock overlooking the river in the city. Mike is fishing, and Mew is hovering in midair behind him. He has reeled in his line, discovering he has lost another piece of bait to some clever fish.
Mew: Try using cheese, I hear it actually works pretty well on Gyarados.
Mike: Where the hell did you hear that?
Mew: I knew a Gyarados in community college who told me so.
Mike: … you didn't go to college.
Mew: Neither did you, so I guess that means we're meant to be together!
Mike: *baiting his hook* I really don't get your logic.
Mew: Logic doesn't have to make sense when you're this good looking.
Mike: Hey, Captain Ego? Tone it down a little. We're trying to fish. Have fun. Remember?
Mike casts his line out, and lands a piece of cheese in the river several yards ahead. He takes a deep breath and smiles. Mew lands in his lap, and Mike scratches the back of Mew's neck.
Mike: We should really do stuff like this more often. It's kind of nice to do calm, relaxing, normal things away from the craziness at the bar.
Mew: I agree. This is nice.
Mike and Mew sit peacefully, looking out into the water for a sign of a bite.
Mike: I still wanna know where you heard the whole thing about Gyarados and cheese.
Mew: You just know these things when you're a Pokemon.
Before he can respond, something tugs hard on the line. Mike snags the line, catching whatever is on the other end.
Mike: Oh shit, this one's big!
Mew: Maybe it's a Gyarados!
Mike: Come on, dragon! Come on, dragon!
The struggle only lasts for a while before the catch swims directly toward Mike and Mew. They see what looks like a giant shell surfacing, heading their way at a worrying speed.
Mike: Um, Mew?
Mew: Yeah?
Mike: Do you think this dock is strong enough to withstand whatever that is I just caught swimming for us at supersonic speed?
Mew: Maybe, but we won't if you don't shut up and start running!
Mike runs down the dock as his catch collides with it. Eventually it catches up, smashing the dock and leaving Mike to fall down to the water below. He lands on the back of the shell, which has positioned itself directly underneath him.
Mike: What the shell?
Mew: Boooooo.
The shell maneuvers around the ruins of the dock, bound for the beach. As the water becomes more shallow, Mike and Mew start to recognize their mysterious transporter.
Mew: Did I say Gyarados? I meant Blastoise. Blastoises like cheese.
Winded and tired, Mike rolls off the Blastoise's back. The Pokémon responds by helping Mike up and smiling at him.
Mike: Wait… Shellshocker?
Shellshocker: Blast!
Mike: Oh my god! You're here! Awesome!
Mike runs to give his old Blastoise a hug, and an excited Mew flies circles around them both.
Mike: What's going on? I thought you were with Emily!
Shellshocker: Blast! Blastoise! Blast!
Mike isn't fluent in Pokémon speech, but he's gotten pretty good at deciphering the emotions of his friends. Something is clearly amiss. He looks at his other Pokémon, awaiting a translation.
Mike: Mew?
Shellshocker: Blast! Blastoise! Blast!
Mew: Wait… what? …seriously?
Shellshocker: *nods* Blast-oise!
Mew looks completely horrified.
Mike: Mew? What did he say?
Mew: He said… he said Karen broke into their apartment, and… kidnapped Emily.
Mike's heart sinks. He collapses to the sandy ground below and is immediately helped by his friends. Shellshocker stands nearby as Mew works himself under Mike's arm to keep him sitting up.
Mike: Emmy…
To be continued…
2019