A couple of weeks before, I asked twitter three song requests for Geass Playlist to get my groove back in writing for this compilation. This is the first one. Hopefully, I'll be able to visit the requests in the review section in the future and write for the pending ones. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

This is for milves enthusiast.

Track #19: No Goodbyes

Leon

Lelouch knows very well that coming here today, at this specific time and place is a bad idea.

Suzaku would definitely tell him that it is.

Nunnally would surely tie him up to a chair, lock the windows and door just to ensure that he wouldn't take a single step out of the house today and make a fool of himself for the last (?) time.

Kallen, on the other hand, would punch him straight on the face hard enough to knock him out for a day.

But Lelouch didn't tell anyone about this stupid plan of his.

So they didn't know.

And no one was able to stop him from coming here today, at this specific time and place.

But still, it is indeed a very bad idea.

The collar of his shirt burns around his neck like splinters of broken glass eager to draw blood from his skin as the morning sun left no place untouched. The black cap that he is wearing does little help in shielding him from the annoying bastard and only adds to the discomfort that he feels. At least, his sunglasses somehow do their job in saving him from squinting throughout the whole time he's here.

It's quite ironic actually, and even sad, how today is such a nice day to be out and about. If this was just like any normal Sunday, Lelouch would have asked his friends to join him in a picnic – peacefully lounging on the grass and forgetting the hassle of the previous work week. Or perhaps, he would be spending this day lazily – reading some novel that Nunnally recommended him then, if he's feeling a little passionate later on, if the words stir something inside him, he would send her a complete essay review of the book.

There were other possibilities on how he spent good days before. Ones that included morning coffees in the terrace, afternoon cuddles and her. Soft giggles floating in the air as a tease or two were good-naturedly thrown at him. Whispered arguments about silly ideas that would often result in them tangled on their bed. Interlaced fingers, fingers in each other's hair, on his jaw, around her waist.

There was warmth and skin and the greasy smell of pizza.

But now, Lelouch glares at the sun, blaming it for robbing him of stealth when he finally needed it the most. Voices break his one-sided beef with the celestial object and Lelouch quickly takes a peek at the gathering that happened.

As soon as his eyes laid on the familiar faces, a small smile automatically appears on his lips. It's been a while since he last saw them. A few years, if his memory serves him right, though, he doesn't rely on his memory these days. His brain has a way of playing mind tricks on him, making him believe that a memory was nothing but a nightmare that he had woken up from. Only when he told it to Suzaku or Nunnally would it be confirmed that such nightmare truly transpired. It greatly upsets him – when the truth slaps him on the face.

He almost greeted them, a natural reflex rooted from years of being in their warm company. But as soon as his right arm begins to lift, his purpose of coming here kicks in and he immediately hides behind the wall. Idiot, he scolds himself.

Sliding his back against the wall, his butt meets a protruded part of the pavement and makes it his impromptu seat. His shirt will surely be a sore to wash later – wrinkled with a sprinkle of dust and cement on the cotton material. Still, he doesn't mind. He doesn't mind the heat crawling up his body and the sweat gliding down his cheeks. Closing his eyes, he tries to listen to the voices behind him. The excitement in their tone is contagious that he almost felt happy with them.

Almost.

But he can never be truly happy in this occasion, right?

And in the long future, too, he will never feel what true happiness is.

Nunnally had called him overdramatic. Saying that it's been years, he has to move on. He already exceeded his use of his 'Pity Me' card and people couldn't walk on eggshells around him forever. He couldn't stay being triggered by the littlest thing that reminded him of her when there is a large chance that she doesn't want to be reminded of him at all.

The siblings had a large fight that night. Lelouch argued, don't you think I am not trying? If there is someone in this room who wanted to forget everything, it is me. I am trying so hard to forget and moved on.

Then why are you still like this? Nunnally had countered.

Like what?

Like a shadow of yourself. Like if I touch you, my fingers will only pass through this black figure that is trapped between the past and the present. And I'm afraid, Lelouch, that one day, when I look at you, one day, I will not find you there anymore.

After hearing her words, Lelouch's heart deflated along with his anger. And he stared at his hands, at his feet, at the floor, anywhere except her eyes. That's what happens, he whispered, when someone took your soul along with them.

It didn't get easier after that confrontation but the days became slightly bearable.

He couldn't do anything when his mind strays to the thoughts of her. But what he can do is to not linger.

The wind carries their voices to him and amidst the clarity, he makes out the word 'finally'.

As if this is a very much long-awaited event.

As if they had seen this coming.

As if they knew all along that this will be the end goal when just a few years back, he was the one they were asking him questions.

When are you finally gonna ask her to be your girlfriend?

When are you finally gonna be official?

When are you finally gonna propose to her?

Lelouch spits the bitter taste of the word on the ground and as soon as his attention wavered from the crowd, he hears nothing but silence.

Then a car door opening.

And there she is, clad in white from head to toe as if she's the embodiment of an angel herself. He can hear her scoff at his thoughts. Angel? She would ask. You do know what the biblically correct angel actually looks like, right?

She would have asked, if the situation is different and if they are still together. Or they would have found themselves in the same situation, perhaps a few years from now. Perhaps, a few months from now if everything didn't fall apart.

Her eyes glitter as the sunrays kiss them like their lifelong lovers and Lelouch's animosity towards the celestial object instantly disappears as soon he sees the sparkle in her golden orbs. It always stunned him, those amber eyes of her – rendering him speechless and sometimes, motionless like fresh lava wreaking havoc to everything in its pathway.

Her eyes settle to his direction and for the second time, Lelouch hides behind the towering wall. Did she see him? Did she feel that he's here? Because that's how attuned they were with each other's presence before. He knew that she had already arrived home before she could open the door. She knew where to find him amidst the large crowd of the mall.

But the more important question is, does he want her to see him?

Yes.

And then what?

And then she'll throw away that stupid veil covering her beautiful face and grab his waiting hand and they'll run away from all of them, from all of this – disappearing and flying and soaring and

And living the life they had planned together.

If only.

Lelouch stares at his hands. He can still feel her soft skin against them – an extension of his being, the phantom pain in his sleep – how his could easily swallow her small ones. He can still feel the sharp edges of the diamond ring when they interlaced their fingers. He clenches his hands, his nails digging into his palms. But the pain isn't there this time. Not when he hears her laugh, not when hearing her voice is enough to bring him down to his knees.

Why is he even here? He doesn't even plan to ruin the ceremony. Lelouch is not that selfish to destroy her happiness for the sake of his. When clearly, she wasn't happy with him anymore.

Why did he even go here and make a fool of himself?

He can already see the disappointment in Nunnally's eyes when she hears about his little trip, Suzaku's knuckles ready to strangle him and Kallen's ones ready to punch him.

Clutching his chest, Lelouch risks a peek and… ah, she's about to enter.

The crowd earlier had disappeared leaving her alone before the closed door. The music completely dissolves in Lelouch's ears as he watches her take a deep breath, close her eyes and bite her lower lip.

And for a moment, the future he will never have flashes before his eyes. For a moment, he is the one waiting for her at the altar.

He inhales and the part of his soul that still holds her fills his lungs, his heart, his brain.

Then he exhales.

Why did he go here?

Lelouch looks up and smiles, the ghost of her name in his lips.

Maybe, in the parallel universe things have ended differently.

Maybe, they are happy.

Then, why did he go here?

To finally have his goodbye.