Tuesday February 1, 2022:
Undercover.
Undercover.
Under. Cover.
He hasn't been undercover since he was in Italy and Kathy was still alive.
His face dropped when Bell and some guy with medals on his shoulders and a bad attitude typical Brass, he'd thought and he remembers that he thought about her then and he wondered if she knew this guy. They came to him and asked if he'd go under with this group that had a hand in anything that made money, drugs had been their starting pointing but their ending point?
Well, that was why he'd said yes.
Sex trafficking.
In Italy, he'd said yes to any sex trafficking case that came across his desk because he found that when he said yes to those cases, she would come to him in his dreams. She wouldn't be angry or hurt, wouldn't yell or scream at him, instead they'd laugh and he'd wake up thinking that he would see her that day.
Except he wouldn't because he left her. A sex trafficking case?
Well, at least she'd be proud of him then and for the past ten years he told himself that was enough.
His kids freak out though, justifiably so. They yell and cry and beg him to tell them no, that he's paid enough and he's still working for the NYPD but this? The price is too high and they can't afford it.
He argues he can't say no that he's the only one in the department that won't require days or even weeks of prep, he knows Italian and has picked up some French, Russian, and Spanish.
It lends to his credibility that he's done international work and it'll help him gain the trust with the boss, that's what the department is betting on because they don't have time for anything less.
He glances at Eli who sits quietly beside him. The teen has stayed silent since he broke the news and he presses his face into the side of the teen's head and squeezes the back of his neck. "You'll stay with Maureen again, alright?"
"You're leaving tonight?"
"No, Friday."
"How long?" The teen forces out.
He presses his lips into the teen's head, "Could be a couple of days to a couple weeks, the only intel we have is that they're expecting a shipment from somewhere in Europe."
Dickie huffs, "Where?"
Elliot shakes his head pulling away from his youngest to look up at his oldest son, "You know I can't tell you that."
"I don't understand why it always has to be you!"
"Because it does, Lizzie. They don't have time to prep somebody else and if we miss our chance, we miss our cha—"
"Have you told Liv yet?" Eli's voice is too quiet to command a room with one person much less five but somehow, he does because the room stills immediately.
He shakes his head, "I'm going to tell her tomorrow."
"You should tell her now dad, she deserves to know now and what if she finds out somehow?" Eli glances at him and then he drops his head again, "You always said she has an uncanny ability especially when it comes to these kinds of cases."
"I'll go over there tonight then."
Katie's face drops, "What about Eli?"
"He'll stay with Mau—"
"I mean when you leave for Liv's, dad."
"I usually go too."
He glances at the teen again, "Why don't you go and get your stuff together and I'll text Liv to see about dinner."
The room is silent and he preoccupies himself by staring at his phone when they hear Eli's door close and he sighs, "What?"
His four oldest kids glance at one another but it's Maureen who speaks first, the oldest and a natural leader, "How often are you and Eli at Olivia's place?"
"A few times a week," he shrugs as he stands up heading to the kitchen with the excuse of needing a glass of water because he knows where this is heading and he hates this conversation. He glances at his four adult children through the picture window of the kitchen, "They're close and E—"
"Who's close? Liv and Eli or Eli and Noah?" Katie asks again as Dickie mumbles that they already know the answer and it causes Lizzie to start crying again.
His eyes harden, "We spend a lot of time together an—"
"I'm ready did you text Liv?"
He glances at his adult kids before he nods to the teen, "We're gonna pick up Chinese," he squeezes his shoulder as he walks past, "I'm gonna pack a bag."
Eli's POV:
He drops his bag and reclaims his spot on the couch staring at his phone and he admits softly, "I hope this assignment end by the seventh."
Katie's eyes soften as a small smile passes over her lips, "You have a game we'll be there even if dad can't be?"
"It's Liv's birthday."
"You close with Liv, Eli?"
The teen glances up at his oldest sister and shrugs, "Noah's cool and it's nice not being the baby anymore," he laughs as Maureen tousles his hair for a moment and letting him ignore the question. The moment passes though and he whispers, "He's fun to be around."
"What about Liv?"
His hands push into his jean-clad thighs, "What 'bout her?"
"Are you close?"
"She's nice to me knows what I like when we get take-out," he knows what his siblings are waiting to hear but he can't say it, not to them. He's still walking on eggshells with his siblings but even if he wasn't he doesn't think he could answer their questions because honestly, he tries not to think about how close he is to Liv.
"Picked you up from that hockey game didn't sh—"
"Dickie!"
His big brother rolls his eyes, "We all know she did."
"I just don't understand why dad has to be the one who does this assignment." Lizzie mutters her voice trembles slightly as tears roll silently down her face and Kathleen reaches out to squeeze her hand agreeing softly.
"Dad always went under for sex trafficking cases in Rome."
"No, he di—"
Eli glances up at his big brother and he feels a flare of anger, "Yes he did."
Katie glances between them, "It doesn't really matter what cases dad went underco—"
"It does matter," the teen mumbles again pouting as he stares down at his hands.
"Eli—"
"He does it because of Liv."
Friday February 11th, 2022:
Olivia's POV:
The TV is playing in the background and brown eyes stare at it blankly, she's too tired to care but not tired enough to pass out for a dreamless sleep. Elliot's been undercover for a week and Bell only gives her one-word answers, today though she dropped by the squad room for some matter that Liv hadn't remembered to press. There's a poking suspicion that there was no matter but Bell had told her that Elliot checked in for the day and then she'd been given permission to share this small bit of information with his kids.
She doesn't want to dream about him again. The dream always ends the same and no matter how hard she tries to save him, to drive a different route so she gets to him faster, it always ends the same.
His blood on her hands and his five children staring down at where she's knelt beside him. In the dreams, she always stares into their eyes making her way down the line but the last set of eyes, the ones that are brown not blue, are always her point of destruction.
Those eyes accuse.
Those eyes tell her that she's the reason he has to graduate high school, college, and every other major life event without his mother there, and now a father, had she not have existed his parents would've survived.
Those eyes use her weaknesses against her. They blackmail her emotions with the secret she'd shared about who her mother was and then they tell her that her alcoholic mother had been right.
Those eyes tell her that she's the reason he's an orphan.
Her body jumps at the knock on her door.
She thinks it's him and there's a momentary sigh of relief, a moment of selfishness that tonight she will sleep wrapped in his arms. She peers through her peephole because life has taught her to never be relaxed until she's checked and double-checked that they were secure.
Especially in her own home.
Except it isn't him and the tiredness has suddenly been replaced by adrenaline rushing through her veins and then she opens the door. "Eli…" she breathes as the teen's head lifts slightly so his bloodshot eyes meet hers for barely a moment before he drops his head again. She glances at the blonde woman standing there, "Did you hear—"
The woman shakes her head quickly, "No." Her hand reaches out to touch her brother's back but at the last moment she seems to think better of it and she drops her hand again, the teen still shies away from her towards the wall. "Eli wanted to see you."
Her eyes jump from where she's staring at Eli's hung head to the eldest Stabler child her arm reaches out to wrap around the teen's shoulders, but she stops herself remembering his reaction with Maureen. "Come in both of you," she settles her back against the door so they can step inside.
Eli's feet seem to drag his body into the apartment, utterly exhausted, and his hand knocks against hers.
She can't help the sharp intake of breath at the contact and her hand lands on his forearm rubbing his jacket-clad arm with her thumb, "Go and sit down."
Once the teen is out of sight, she turns to face Maureen, "What happened?"
"He won't talk to me, Kathleen has tried too and he just…" the younger woman glances over her shoulder, "He's been having nightmares since dad went under."
"He was quiet when he came over last weekend for my birthday but I'd just figured it was because him and Noah had been planning for a weekend-long celebration and I forced them to shorten it. He's been having nightmares since El went under?" The other woman's head ducks and she steps forward into the hall so the door is barely ajar and she asks, "Why didn't you say anything?"
"We were handling it."
"Whose we?"
"Us, all of us. Katie, Lizzie, Dickie, and I we thought we could handle it" Maureen's eyes roll and tears fill her eyes, "But the nightmares are getting worse and he still isn't talking to us."
"Maur—"
"We thought he was too close to you."
"Oh—"
"Don't get me wrong we're happy for you and dad," the younger woman rushes to explain, "I mean you definitely make him happy and you helped us with the intervention and convincing him to get help. But we—"
"You don't want Eli to be around me," she whispers softly and the other woman nods, "I'm not trying to replace your mom, Maureen."
"I know. It's just hard to see him wanting you rather than his family—"
"Wow…" she pushes her hand through her hair as tears fill her eyes.
"Liv I didn't mean it li—"
"I don't know why," she whispers desperately as though she couldn't even hear the younger woman, "I don't know why Eli and I are close and believe me I've tried to figure it out."
Maureen nods and her voice is tight and raw with emotion, "I know."
"This isn't fair to him though. He's still a kid and in the last year his mom was killed, he moved to a different country from the one he called home, and that's just skimming the surface of what he's gone through. I think he's earned the right to have some grace, don't you?"
"Of course he does," Maureen bites but she ducks her head under the intense stare of Liv and she sighs nodding, "You're right, Liv."
"This'll stop? The questioning and making him feel guilty for being close to me?"
The other woman nods, "I promise."
"Good now come on." She pushes door open again, "I'm not gonna let you wait in your car not at this time of night, so come on."
"I think this should be between you and him and I think he'd rather be here tonight anyways," she glances over her shoulder again and smiles softly when her eyes settle on her brother, "Right Eli?"
Eli's POV:
He steps out from bathroom freshly showered and changed into the sweats he left here the night his dad announced he was going undercover. His feet pad down the hallway and he finds her sitting on the couch she's staring at the TV but he doesn't think she's really watching it and he stands awkwardly hoping that she'll notice him.
It takes a few more minutes and she jumps when she does notice him and he looks down sheepishly, "Sorry."
"You're too quiet for your own good, Eli," her voice is light but she seems to recognize his hesitancy before she moves to the other end of the couch so he can have her seat, "Come on."
"Thanks for letting me stay, Liv."
"Maureen said you've been having nightmares since your dad went under," she shifts to look at him but now he's the one who stares at the TV but he doesn't see anything, "You can always talk to me you know that, right?"
His shoulders lift in half-shrug.
Liv moves from her spot on the other end of the couch to kneel in front of him, "Can I tell you something, Eli?" He nods but doesn't look up, she squeezes his hands and whispers softly, "Look at me," she pauses as she waits for him to finally look up at her, "I'm having nightmares too about your dad."
"They seem so real like I could touch him but then he disappears and everybody…everybody is there and they blame me cause I'm the reason why he left again."
"Who do you see, Eli? Who blames you?"
"My siblings. They're angry with me that my…they say that I'm the reason their dad has to keep leaving the US, I hear Sgt. Bell say that it's cause of me that she lost her best detective." He stares down at his hands as a single tear lands on his thumb, "You're always there…you and Noah."
"What do I do, Eli?"
His eyes close for a moment but they snap back open and he shakes his head and his voice cracks, "I…can't."
Her hand settles on his cheek so she can lift his face to look at her, "Am I mean?"
"You say that won't let me come here anymore because it's my fault that he left you again just like the first time, and if I'd never been born—"
"No."
"You and Noah are the last ones to turn away from me."
Tears stream down his face silently and Liv shifts on to the couch again reaching for the blanket to cover him with as her arms wrap around him, as sobs wrack his frame. "You'll always be welcome here, Eli," she whispers as she presses a kiss to his head.
"Tonight, I dreamed that I called you, you'd disconnected your phone number and Noah's and then I came here and you'd—" he curls into her breathing in her scent from her NYPD sweatshirt that smell like a mixture of her and his dad.
"We moved."
He nods against her shoulder.
"Wanna hear another secret?"
"Yeah."
"In my nightmares your siblings hate me, you hate me because I couldn't save your dad," he pulls away slightly to look at her, "I'm scared that I'll lose your dad again but I'm scared I'll lose you too, Eli."
A week later his dad is home and he's heard whispered conversations while they make dinner that only seem to grow longer once they're safely ensconced in her room. It's the beginning of March when his dad pulls out an envelope over dinner handing it to her as he and Noah stare at them confused from across the table.
Liv breathes out in a soft whisper, "Family photos?"
Noah claps excitedly and proclaims, "I love taking pictures!"
He laughs beside the younger boy and tells him jokingly, "We know."
His dad reaches for her hand squeezing it tightly. "We're not temporary."
"This is a big step what if something happens and w—"
"We'll still be a family though," he whispers, "It means we're connected."
Brown meets brown from across the table, "Are you sure?"
"It was my idea, please Liv?"
"Family photos it is," she says with a smile as she reaches for his hand and soon they're all connected a mismatched family of four.