Chapter 41
Rachel woke up that Sunday morning feeling horrible. She hadn't slept much, spending much of the night crying into her pillow about the fact that her special night had been ruined by James revelation. The fact that she had shown herself to him, been almost naked in front of him for the first time, putting herself in a vulnerable position in front of him only for him to turn around and tell her that she wasn't going to be his first time; it had broke her heart.
They'd been together for three months and he had never mentioned the fact that he'd had sex with another girl in that entire time. Rationally she knew that it had happened before he'd met her, knowing that there was no way he had done it in the time they'd been dating; but that was being overridden by the fact that he had kept this very important thing about himself secret from her; the person that he was supposed to tell everything.
He had of course tried to call her, several times during the day but she hadn't picked up; not wanting to face speaking to him while the hurt was fresh in her mind. She loved him but she knew that at the moment, she could be likely to say something to him that she would most definitely regret at a later time.
She stayed in her pyjamas the entire day sitting in bed watching musicals to try and cheer herself up as she relived the evening in her mind. Admittedly her intentions for the evening and for having sex with him hadn't been completely pure, but she was ready to share herself with him and he had made her feel a million times worse than she had ever thought he could.
She said a lot of mean things about him in her head, about how he had lied to her and hid something this huge; she knew she'd regret saying them but right now she was hurting and she was trying to make the pain go away. Insulting James privately made her feel just a little bit better.
It touched her heart that he had listened to her and left her alone; respected her wishes even if he had wanted, like she knew he did, to stay there and hold her while she cried. She would normally want that too, there was something about his embrace that was eternally soothing and she could really use him right now but for the fact that he had been the one to cause her to be hurting. So, she sat there alone in her house; preparing herself to put on a brave face for her fathers and to prepare herself to get through school, knowing she would have to see him again and not entirely ready to face up to him.
Her Dads had noticed something was wrong, she could tell by the way her Daddy brought her tea late that Sunday night as she sat in her room finishing her homework and sat in her room long after she had thanked him and returned her attention back to her laptop screen.
"Sweetheart?" Leroy asked calmly and Rachel squeezed her eyebrows together. She really didn't want to talk about this with her Dads.
"Yes Daddy?" She replied, turning and putting a smile on her face.
"Is everything okay?" He spoke in a concerned voice. "You seem…upset about something"
"I'm fine" Rachel supplied, keeping the smile on her face despite how hard it seemed to be wanting to fall away.
"Sweetie" Her Dad continued, taking a breath as he rose from his seat and kneeled by her desk chair. "Did something happen between you and James?"
"No" Rachel shook her head "Why would you think that?"
"Well…we were a little surprised that he wasn't here when we came home; we thought that you two would take the opportunity to spend the weekend together like you'd asked" Leroy paused, moving a hand to stroke his daughters cheek. "And because you only get quiet when you're upset about a boy"
Rachel smile faded a little bit as her Dad showed just how well he knew his daughter; normally she would have spilled everything to him but her fight with James was too raw, she didn't want to talk about it with her Dad. Licking her lips, she force out; "Really Daddy, I'm fine. James just had some schoolwork to do at home"
Her dad watched her for several moments, a sceptical look on his face before he finally sighed and nodded. Rachel closed her eyes as she felt his lips press against her forehead before he stood up and walked towards her door, pausing for a moment to give her a warm smile; "See you in the morning baby girl"
"Good night Dad" Rachel responded, turning to face her laptop again, closing her eyes and letting out a loud sigh; it really drained her energy being mad at James and all she wanted was to relax into his arms but she couldn't, not right now.
…
She managed to get through breakfast the next morning without her Dads questioning her about what was wrong; apparently they had deemed her response truthful or had simply chosen to believe that she would tell them what was bothering her when she was ready to do so.
Kissing each of them on the cheek, she walked to her car and drove to school; nervousness filling her as she prepared herself for spending a day with James at school. They hadn't spoken since she'd asked him to leave her house that Saturday night and she definitely wasn't ready to talk to him about what had happened; Rachel couldn't get the words he had said out of her mind, that he had sex before that he had chosen someone else to be his first time.
Taking a deep breath, Rachel made her way inside of McKinley high towards her locker; wondering if she would see James that morning and not quite sure how she would react. Thankfully she didn't have to wonder about that for very long, smiling to herself when she saw that he wasn't stood outside her locker like their routine suggested he would. At least he was being considerate enough to stay away from her, to give her time to think. She might be mad at him, but she couldn't help the way her heart warmed at the thought.
It was strange not having any interaction with James that first day. They shared classes together on a Monday but when she had walked into the room, he had been sitting at a different table talking to one of his other friends, Ben. Their eyes had met for a brief moment, Rachel could see the apology and sorrow in them but also understanding that she needed time away from him. In return, Rachel had tried to give him a warm expression but she knew that her hurt had been painfully clear as she turned her head away and sat down next to Kurt.
Her best friend turned frenemy gave her a confused look, the silent question in his eyes about why she and her boyfriend weren't sat holding hands under the table as normal before turning to the front of the class as their teacher started talking. Rachel took a breath and smiled; she could do this, she could pretend like nothing was wrong.
She didn't wait to see if James was going to walk her to her next class, instead shooting out of her seat and out of the door as the rest of the class was dragging themselves to their next period.
Lunch was a little more awkward for the two of them; they always sat with the Glee Club on a Monday, talking with their friends, catching up on their weekends at the start of the new week. Rachel considered sitting alone in the choir room but decided against it, deciding that she had to try and pretend that she wasn't going to burst into tears at any moment.
He was there, of course he was she thought to herself; these were his friends and he was sat quietly picking at his food, Rachel smiled as she noted it was his moms Pasta salad as she sat down next to him. He noticed her and lifted his head up giving her a small smile.
"Hey"
"Hi" She replied tentatively returning his smile.
"You okay?" He asked calmly but Rachel could see the deeper question in his eyes.
"Yes" She nodded, responding to the question but only holding his gaze for a moment before looking away. She was okay in terms of being able to go about her daily life but were they okay? Rachel couldn't answer it.
The rest of the school day passed by without her breaking down into tears or blowing a gasket and shouting at someone, so really that was a success. Her dads hadn't questioned her that evening, so she'd been able to enjoy a relaxing evening at home where she could get her mind off what had happened as she sat talking to Jake and Kelsie from Vocal Adrenaline as well as a few of the new directions on Facebook. It was nice, normal and completely unlike her heart was hurt.
She didn't speak much to James over the next couple of days, neither of them seemingly knowing how to strike conversation up which was strange because the two of them always had something to talk about; their interests were so aligned that there was never a quiet moment. Well not normally.
Still, Rachel thought that the two of them had put on a pretty good show at pretending like they were all happy and loved up as opposed to the fact that she had only said two words to him in the past three days. A couple of the glee kids had noticed something wasn't right, Noah included, but none of them had broached the subject with her; though Rachel could see the questioning looks in their eyes, What had happened to the two of them?
Noah had asked her about it however, the mohawked boy never had a problem saying what was on his mind and Rachel had tried to dismiss his concern saying that she was just stressed about the musical and James was giving her time to prepare herself for the big performance the next day. That was honestly the reason she was able to smile as Thursday drew closer; the musical had been a good source of distraction from the problems in her personal life as they rehearsed. That was until Blaine came up to her on Wednesday evening after they finished their last dress rehearsal.
"Hey Rach" Blaine murmured warmly.
"Hi" She replied, smiling widely. "What's up?"
"What did you think of rehearsal?" Blaine asked
"I think we're ready, though I'm still not sure about.."
"Our performance? Me neither….what Artie said really made me doubt it" He murmured running a hand through his hair in a strikingly similar way to her boyfriend.
"Did you…you know" Rachel asked tentatively.
"No…well I tried but ended up making a horrible mess of things with Kurt" Blaine replied looking at her with sad eyes. "He's sort of not talking to me right now"
"That makes two of us" Rachel admitted quietly.
"You and James aren't talking?" Blaine asked softly, stepping closer and reaching out to touch her arm. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I made a decision that I wanted to be with him for the first time "Rachel explained wringing her heads. "And it turns out that he has already shared that with somebody else"
"Oh" was all Blaine muttered, he gazed at her with warm understanding eyes fro several long moments before speaking again. "Rachel, I'm sorry I know that must be have been hard to hear"
"It was" Rachel admitted. "But the worst part is that I can't even speak to him because it just makes me want to cry. He didn't trust me enough to tell me"
"James loves you immensely Rachel" Blaine replied reassuringly. "I'm sure he didn't mean to hide it from you and hurt you"
"Then why did he?" Rachel asked sniffing.
"I don't know Rachel" Blaine sighed, putting his arm around her shoulder. "Maybe because he loves?"
They stood there hugging for a short while, comforting each other before splitting and heading their separate ways. Rachel giggled as Blaine told her to make sure she got plenty of sleep before the big day tomorrow because he didn't want to have to carry her onstage. Rachel let what Blaine had said to her linger in her thoughts as she sat in her room later that night, smiling at the last part. Maybe he was right and James hadn't wanted to hurt her because he loves her so much; Rachel knows she would want to protect him from getting hurt at all costs, never wanting to see him hurt but at the same time she couldn't help but wonder; if he loved her so much, why didn't he tell her in the first place.
…..
"There's our future star!" Hiram exclaimed happily as she walked into the kitchen the next morning, a huge smile spreading across her face as she saw the flowers on the table in her house.
"Good morning baby girl" Leroy said, kissing her cheek as she made her way over to them.
"Daddy, Dad you didn't have to go to all this effort" She replied, blushing at the fact they had bought her a range of flowers and prepared her favourite breakfast.
"Nonsense; our little girl is going to star in her first musical this evening and we're making sure that everything is perfect!"
"Thank you Dad" Rachel said kissing him on the cheek before turning to her Daddy and doing the same "And you too. Thank you so much".
Breakfast was amazing; she loved the attention they were giving her, a wide beaming smile on each of their faces as they asked her questions about what time the show was beginning and where they would be sat. She had of course told them all of this information in past few weeks as opening night drew closer but their unending happiness and overwhelming interest in their daughters life really made her mood for the first time that week.
They had insisted on driving her to school that morning, considering that she wouldn't be returning home before the show; instead staying at school to get herself warmed up and ready to play Maria. After giving each of them a kiss on the cheek and thanking them for the ride, reminding them that the show started at seven; she climbed out her Daddy's Volvo and walked towards the school with a beaming smile on her face.
She was determined not to let anything spoil the day for her and luckily it passed by relatively quietly. Noah greeted her at her locker when she entered the school, teasing her about whether he'd missed the memo about something special going on that day as she slapped his arm and playfully told him that he was a horrible human being.
She let him walk her to class, kissing his cheek as she removed her arm from his and headed into her classroom; greeting Mike with a small wave of her hand and a smile as she sat down next to him.
"Morning Rachel" He said with amusement in his voice. "Excited for tonight?"
"You don't even know how much" She replied biting her lip. "It's going to be amazing; the past two months have been working towards this and we're all going to be amazing"
Rachel giggled as he smirked at her before they both turned forwards and started listening to their teacher started the lesson. Her high lasted pretty much throughout all of her classes, the day seeming to fly by and before she knew it Rachel was sat in the auditorium, walking around on the stage with her eyes closed as she let the words of the songs she had memorised run through her head imagining the building filled with people cheering as their musical came to a close.
She'd been nervous in the build up to the day as she'd expressed to James the week before but that had all seemed to have vanished. A small part of that had been due to her mind being distracted from the subject for a large part of the this week but also with the way Shelby had reassured her just after school finished.
"Rachel!" She heard her mothers voice, causing her to pause in the corridor on her way to her locker to see the older woman walking towards her.
"Hi Shelby" Rachel said with a warm smile; nothing was going to get her down, definitely not a conversation from her birth mother. They'd had a few more conversations over the past few weeks and it felt like their relationship was getting better, like maybe the two of them were becoming closer?
"Hey…you excited about tonight?" Shelby asked and the smile on her face was undoubtedly a proud one.
"Absolutely; I can't wait, I feel like I'm going to burst" Rachel replied, letting her face split into a grin.
"That's good" Shelby replied and Rachel could see the warm mother look in her eyes. "You're going to be great tonight, truly wonderful Rachel"
"Thank you Shelby" Rachel said softly, her feelings building up. Gulping, Rachel channelled what she was feeling and stepped forward to embrace her birth mother; acting on the closeness she felt and not really caring what the older woman would say, right now Rachel just wanted to share it with her mom.
"I'm so proud of you Rachel" Shelby murmured against her hair and Rachel squeezed her eyes shut to stop her tears, completely unaware of the ones building in her moms.
"Preparing yourself?" The sound of Finns voice snapped her out of her thoughts as she turned around and gave him a wide smile as he stood awkwardly on the outskirts of the stage. "Hey"
"Hi Finn" Rachel replied, walking over to him and reaching out to squeeze his arm. "I was just imagining what its going to feel like tonight when the curtain comes down and the crowd is cheering"
The two of them laughed together before talking for a good quarter of an hour about the musical, Rachel just happy to enjoy the peace and normality of the conversation before she would have to frantically rush around getting made up and changed into her costumes in only a couple of hours time.
"You're going to be amazing Rach" He murmured as they pulled back from a small embrace. Rachel looked up at him warmly and nodded
"Thanks Finn"
…
"Hey Rach" James voice causes her to pause her actions as she runs a brush through her hair.
It was about three quarters of an hour until the show started and she'd been getting changed into her first costume, wanting to be in it ready for the show to start; not wanting to miss a moment of it. Around the auditorium, the cast and the production team were walking around doing last minute checks and she could vaguely see them moving around him as she looked through her vanity at him.
"Hi" She replied softly, rising from her stool and slowly walking over to him; a small smile growing on her lips as she saw the yellow roses in his hand. "Yellow roses…my favourite"
…..
"Hey" James said sheepishly, a small smile on his face as he stood in the doorway of her hotel room.
"Hi" She couldn't help but grin back at him. Her eyes widened as she saw the bouquet of flowers in his hand. "Yellow roses….they're my favourite"
"Really?" He asked sounding surprised.
"Yeah…not that I don't like all sorts of roses, but yellow is just a nice warm cooler" Rachel replied biting her lip. "Are they for me?"
"They are" He nodded, "I was wondering if I should bring anything so uh…I passed this flower stall in the park and these just screamed at me"
"Thank you" She said, not being able to help the blush on her cheeks. Pressing them to her nose she breathed in the scent, smiling as she looked at him. "Are you going to just stand there all night or where you planning on coming in?"
"Well…you know a gentleman normally waits for the lady to invite him in rather than to presume himself upon her company" James retorted, his smile changing into a cocky handsome smirk.
Rachel had been in New York with Kurt for over a couple of weeks and it had flown by so quickly, she had been having the most fun imaginable especially considering that she had given up her summer to attend this summer camp for students applying to NYADA and Julliard. She'd met James the first day and they'd been getting closer ever since. This however was the first time that he was going to be in her hotel room. She'd felt bad when he'd told her that he was all alone in his apartment for at least a couple more weeks until his mother flew out to the city.
They had been at the camp when Nationals had been brought up and James had bragged about leading his team to victory only for his smug smile to change to shock and horror when she said that she couldn't remember watching his performance at all. Really, who could blame her considering what had happened with Finn at the event and he had insisted that she needed to watch a recording of Nationals with him.
"Well, Mr Agrisino; I believe that you best follow me then" She giggled, standing to the side to let him pass. He smirked at her and coolly strolled into her hotel room. Rachel took a deep breath as she closed the door, reminding herself that he was just James there was nothing to be nervous about.
They sat there together for over an hour before the New Directions came up to perform, they had been watching the video with Kurt while her Dads were at dinner and over the course of the hour she had shifted closer to him unknowingly. There was something about his calm personality and the way he seemed to radiate relaxation that drew her to him.
His hand founds hers as the end of Pretending came to an end.
"Wow…way to throw Nationals by kissing the dinosaur" James smirked at her.
Rachel gaped at him, horrified that he had made such a comment. It didn't last for long however as she stared into the softness in his eyes, her mouth spreading into a smile before she burst out laughing along with him.
"You did not just say that! I can't believe you!" She gasped exasperatedly. She couldn't help the way his warm smile affected her nor the way that after that she cuddled into his side almost instinctively as if they'd known each other for years instead of a couple of weeks.
…..
"Yeah" He murmured, his eyes leaving hers as he raised them and held them in front of him. "Here…they're for you"
Rachel took them from him, gently turning them in her hands so that they were facing her and pressing her nose to the petals and took in their scent; a smile growing on her face as she lowered them, running her fingers over the heads. "They're beautiful thank you"
"It's nothing" He said dismissing her compliment as he smiled at her warmly. She watched as he chewed his lip for several long moments as they just stared at each other before he spoke again; "Look, Rach; I know we're not talking at the moment and you're mad at me, but I just want you to know that I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you"
Rachel gulped as she listened to him, his words combined with the sorrow in his eyes making her breathe hitch in her throat; the upset feelings growing in the back of her mind. "James-"
"I'm not trying to upset you" He murmured, taking a step towards her. "I just wanted to tell you that and to wish you good luck; I already know you're going to be amazing but I figured you wouldn't mind me saying"
Rachel nodded at him, smiling warmly at him as he walked took the final two steps towards her and leant forward; her eyes closing as she felt his breath on her face as he kissed her cheek, the warm feeling of his lips on her making her skin shiver. He lingered for a moment before pulling back an inch and whispering to her; "I love you"
Pressing her lips together, Rachel gulped back the tears she could feel in her eyes as he stepped away from her and smiled at her. "Break a leg Rach"
Blinking quickly to control her emotions, she puffed out her cheeks and exhaled, trying to clear her mind as she turned back to her vanity and placed the flowers down on the table; not being able to hold the smile that grew on her face. Try as she might she couldn't help but be touched by the gesture, even if she had been ignoring him for the whole week, James had still brought her flowers and said the three words that meant more to her than any other. I love you.
The show was going amazingly; the crowd was eating up the entire performance but there had been something extra special about the In America performance that had them on their feet cheering. Rachel was stood off to the side clapping with Blaine and both of them had similar expressions on their face; amazement that hid the fact that both of them worrying about how they were supposed to follow it.
"How are we, as virgins, supposed to follow that?" Blaine asked her as they stood in the wings of the stage.
"Tony and Maria were soulmates; okay, against all odds they found love and didn't let anything keep them apart. I know what that's like and you do too" Rachel replied, smiling as she picture how despite the distance her and james had stayed together and become so in love. "So we just have to play that, okay we as actors have to tap into that"
"Okay" Blaine nodded and took her hand, giving it a quick squeeze as they made their way on stage.
….
"Oh sweetheart you were simply divine!" Rachel giggled as she was swept up into a three way hug by her Dads. the show had been a huge hit, they had stood on stage for nearly ten minutes at the end soaking up the applause from the audience. After a quick change, she had gone out into the auditorium foyer and been greeted by her Dads who were stood with James and his parents.
"We were so proud of you baby girl" Leroy added as they pulled away, stroking her cheek softly.
"Thank you Daddy" She replied, sniffing to keep the tears back as she turned and saw Andrea smiling warmly at her.
"Rachel you were amazing" The older woman said as they shared a tender embrace. "The best Maria I've ever seen"
"Thank you Andrea" Rachel giggled, wiping her eyes with her thumb. "I'm so glad you enjoyed it"
"How could we not" Robert added with a warm smile "You were fantastic"
"That's very kind Mr Agrisino" Rachel blushed, still not used to having James' Dad around let alone him complimenting her. licking her lips, she turned to see James looking at her with eyes full of love and pride. "Hey"
"I love you" He replied, leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek. Rachel couldn't help threading her arms around his neck and cuddling close to him for a moment. She smiled as she felt his breathe on her ear; "You were out of this world"
"I love you too" She murmured as they separated and saw his eyes flicker with happiness. She was still upset with him, but she couldn't deny the fact that she loved him; despite what had happened she knew that they'd be okay.
…..