When Magnus got back home, the loft wasn't empty. Catarina awaited for him on the couch, dressed in a Tshirt and jeans and a cardigan hanging loosely around her hips. In her lap, Chairman seemed to be fast asleep, Catarina's fingers gently stroking him.
"Hi, gorgeous," he said even though she looked as tired as ever. The cat instantly jerked his head up and in a few seconds was purring at Magnus' feet. "Oh, hi, lovey love. How are you?" He picked him up and wanted to give him a peck, but when he saw this kind of manifestation, Chairman jerked away and landed on the floor.
"Hi, sweetie. Were you up all night?"
"Something like that, yes. I think this cat truly hates me sometimes. Did you feed him?"
"Yes, an hour ago. He might be hungry again though. He's getting fatter by the day. So anyway, what did you need my keys for?" She had been in the middle of her shift the other night when Magnus came by the hospital to ask for her keys and he couldn't remember if she even looked at him before she had to leave for an emergency.
"I actually...", he said realizing he couldn't wipe his smile off his face. "I took Alec on the rooftop for our first date."
"In the middle of the night? Magnus, did something happen while you were gone? Did you and Alec..."
"I'm gonna stop you right there. I promised Alec a date on Friday so I had to keep my word. And it was just a date. Nothing else happened."
"Oh, honey...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, it's just that when you're hurting...", the words seemed to hurt her. You – you tend to sleep with someone, and you know, get bruised. And I assumed you did the same with Alec, I'm sorry"
"You don't have to apologize. You're my friend and it's okay. You can ask me anything. But I'm actually very well. It's going to be okay. And Alec, he isn't like that."
She smiled fondly, but he could still see the shadows under her eyes. It must have been a tough shift last night.
"Come on, I'll massage your feet and I'll tell you everything. About Santa Monica and the date. Or do you want to go to sleep?" He sat near her on the couch and put her feet on his lap.
"I'll go home later and sleep there. I came by for my keys and you know, to see how it went."
"It was...tiring. It turns out that this stuff takes a while. You have to fill a ton of forms and all those documents you have to sign... Ugh. But hopefully I can do the rest online and just go back there when all is over and you know...get the money, I guess."
"Did you just go to the lawyer or did you meet with anyone else?" Magnus noticed the cautious tone she used.
"I passed by the orphanage. I didn't go in, I just took a look around, for old times sake. I think I'm going to donate some of the money to them. I just...I want those kids to have a small joy at least. And I'm gonna make sure they spend it properly." When he talked, she could see his face slowly losing the smile he had before, when he talked about Alec. She could also tell how tired he looked. "It was so sad to be there again, Catarina...I don't know...Will I ever heal from that, from losing her and from...from him?" His eyes sparkled with the sorrow he was feeling inside.
She sat up and moved her body so she was closer to him. "Honey, look at me. Look at me! You're wonderful and brave and you'll heal. No matter how hard it is, you will. I just saw you smiling like I never saw you before and I know there's hope. You just have to keep being strong and, most of all, you have to forgive yourself, Magnus. You were very young."
"I'm trying, but sometimes I feel like this will define me forever. It will always be a part of me. I can't let it go."
"So don't. Keep it there. Remember the hurt, and never go back to it. Accept it as part of yourself but don't hold it against you. It will only define you if you let it, Magnus. It's your decision."
"That's why it's so hard, because it's my decision." He paused for a while and then remembered something. Smiling like never before?" He changed the subject but also he seemed genuinely curious. Some part of him already knew the answer but hearing it from her, the person who mattered the most to see his change, made it even more real. It reassured him.
She smiled, knowingly. "It must have been a good date if it got you swooning like that."
"I wasn't swooning."
"You were, you so were! It was cute. But I want you to be careful. I don't want you to get hurt again. And this time, if you do, I won't just sit back and watch it ruin you."
"Catarina...Alec is...I don't want to sound cliché by saying he is different. He is just so innocent and honest and...pure. Sometimes I fear that what he feels for me can be too much, but then when I'm near him...I can't control myself. I don't know...I don't want to get my hopes up."
"But you already did."
"A little, but I think it's under control for now." He frowned for a second and she couldn't let it go.
"Is there something else?"
"I think I just have to wait and see. I'll tell you if there's something else, I promise."
"Good. So what about the money? What are you going to do with half a million dollars?"
The question was answered with a loud sigh as Magnus set back against the couch and closed his eyes, as though all could disappear. "I don't know...I don't need them. It 's hers, why did she have to leave it to me? Why couldn't she have donated it all before she died? I sold the house in Santa Monica and I got this loft and the car. So I guess college tuition and...I don't know... I don't need it."
"I guess you can keep them till you figure it out. It's not going anywhere. But I have to. I'm super tired. It was one hell of a night and these New Yorkers seem to love getting in trouble. A guy came in with an actual knife stuck inside his head."
Magnus made a disgusted face and urged for her to stop. Catarina let out a snort and asked for her keys. "One of these days you'll have to get your butt up and make a copy of these."
Magnus rose from the sofa and walked Catarina to the door. She gave him one of her big, warm hugs and he realized he really needed it. After she left and he locked the door, exhaustion hit him. Alec's words popped in his head, and the boy couldn't be more right. He would take care of everything after he slept. He went over to his bedroom and plunged to the bed, scaring the cat who had just found a new spot to sleep. He didn't even had enough energy to draw the curtains and the morning sun was pleasingly warming his sheets. He quickly fell asleep with the image from earlier that day, with Alec's face bathed in the sunlight. Boy in gold, with a killer smile and even a deadlier kiss.
The next few days went by pretty uneventful for Alec. On Monday he met with Magnus during Professor's Starkweather's class, the only class they had in common, given the fact that Magnus was a first year. After that, they met at the Library and realized you could not do a project there without disturbing the others, so they agreed to do some of the research on their own and meet another time to continue working together. Magnus turned out to be an actually great choice for a group project. He was really interested in the subject they chose, The Wild Hunt, and worked really hard to get all the references possible. It motivated Alec to do his best too. He was actually reading a book titled Fairies in English Tradition and Literature when he heard his phone buzzing for the fourth time in a row, making a mental note to silence his phone next time when he was studying. It turned out to be Izzy who created a WhatsApp group with him and Jace. She was inviting both of them later that evening for a "siblings night in". He wanted to make a remark along the lines of "Who goes out on a Wednesday, a school night", but after hearing it in his head, he gave up. And it was actually a night in, with his siblings. They haven't had one of those since high school, and he really missed spending more time with them. He also remembered how Izzy always talked about them reconnecting, and how hard she was trying to bring them back together. He couldn't stop but felling a little embarrassed for not trying at least as hard as she was.
So later that evening, he was sprawled on Izzy's bed, Jace sitting on her desk and she on the carpet, prepping a Monopoly game for them. Alec had his hand sunken in a bawl of popcorn when Jace asked him why they had to be free on Friday night.
"Oh, yes. I promised Clary I would bring you guys to her friend's concert. Apparently he has a band, I think, and it's this Friday night at this odd place...I don't remember its name, I have the flyer she gave me in my room."
"It's at Hunter's Moon," said Izzy, her attention still focused on the game.
"Yes! How did you know that?"
"Because I follow him on Instagram and I was planning on going there anyway. I'm curious about his music."
"Simon as in Clary's friend? That Simon?", pinched in Jace, adding to Alec's confusion.
"You know Clary? What is going on and how's the world so small?"
"Alec, chill. Simon's the one who paid for my drinks that day", she said as Alec was nodding, remembering the conversation he had with Clary and Simon after Magnus' party, two weeks ago. "And I met him and Clary at Magnus'. Jace met them there too. I heard he was in a band and I followed him on social media. He posted about his next concert. How do you know about it?"
"I owe Clary a favor for helping me guys carry the two of you while you were passed out from drinking! Thanks for that, by the way."
"That's great! We'll all go. We should bring as many friends as we can. We owe it to them," added Izyy with a cheeky smile in response to Alec's quizzing look.
And then it hit him. He actually had someone he wanted to bring. It was strange, but he felt the need to tell his siblings about this someone. He remembered the talk he had with Magnus, about being true to yourself, about acceptance and courage.
"Let's play, guys. Alec, the popcorn please. Jace, I'm leaving you in charge of the music."
The image of all three of them sitting on the carpet, after Jace put on a song from Imagine Dragons, it felt like Alec was back in high school, their parents gone for the night, and the three of them having a great time in their living room, where they would fell asleep together after playing board games and watching scary movies. The memory made him smile and he turned his eyes toward his siblings: they were all grown up but somehow still the same, still the same children who always had each other's backs, still intertwined by an invisible thread of love and memory and the innocence and pure happiness of childhood. Seconds after, Jace let out a sniff when Izyy rolled doubles sixes and Alec's smiled grew even bigger.
An hour or so later he was losing big time.
"Alec, this is the worst you've ever played. I'm literally kicking your ass. Actually, both your asses."
"Shut up, Jace. I was winning till you got all the train stations and the..."
"Izz, you weren't winning. We're both losing, we've got like zero chance of ever winning when playing with him."
Izzy was pissed. She hated losing in front of her brothers. "I'm bored. I don't wanna play anymore."
"No, I'm winning. We're playing till the end."
Alec started giggling. This was so like his siblings "You sound like a child, Jace. You literally own like half the board. There's no point in..."
The next second Izzy's hand flew by him, flipping the board over. The game was over and Jace wasn't happy about it. Alec couldn't hold his laughter any longer.
"You're such a loser, Izz." Jace took a pillow from her bed and threw it towards her. It hit Alec in the head instead. "That's right, Alec. Stop laughing! Now, Izz..." Alec could tell his younger brother missed this too.
They started a playful fight and their giggles warmed Alec. He stopped for a few seconds, looking at them fondly, taking in this moment that reminded him of this bond they shared and the endless possibilities of finding happiness in a different way then the one he had visioned till now. "Guys," he said and they turned around. "I've missed you," and he smiled warmly. He could feel the silence slowly settling in. It wasn't like him to be so open about his feelings.
Isabelle stopped putting the game back in its box and Jace gave up trying to rearrange it and sat quietly on the bed, watching Alec intensely. Alec looked at each of them and then continued. "I'm sorry I grew somewhat distant from you guys. I never meant to hurt you. I just..."
"Alec," said Jace, "it's okay. You don't have to explain. But we've been worried about you...for the last three years I might add."
"No. I have to explain. Because you guys did nothing wrong and you've always tried to be by my side and I pushed you away. Because I was scared, because I didn't know what to make of my feelings and I didn't want you to hate me or think less of me."
"Alec, we would never do that." It was Izzy's urn to reassure him.
"I just...just let me finish. Because I don't know if I'll have the courage to the next time. I've really missed you and us spending time together like we did a few years ago. But then some things happened and I couldn't deal with them pretty well. Looking back, it might have been better to have asked for your help back then. It would have changed so much..." He looked up to the two of them. He could feel his tears in the back of his throat, his voice becoming sorer for it. They were both watching him straight in the eyes; Izzy was playing with a carpet thread in nervousness, Jace was just so still and his eyes looked so sincere, like it was him who was pouring his soul in front of them and not Alec. And it made him feel one more time how close he was to these two people. They were there through his childhood, playing and crying with him, through his teenage years, watching him with compassion every time he went to bed with a broken heart. They were inside him no matter how hard he tried to run away from it for all these years. They were suffering too, because of his pain; they felt it too. They were one and such was the blessing of having siblings. The blessing and sometimes the curse, because the guilt and regret Alec was feeling was starting to reach up to him. But he couldn't stop his story now, if he wanted to make up for the lost time. "Anyway, you remember Sebastian, right? We started hanging out, but I didn't really know what I was feeling. I was scared, sometimes even terrified. That's when I started having my panic attacks. And it got even worse the night Izzy came in my room and told me she overheard mom and dad talking about how wrong I was and..." The trembling of his voice finally became audible. Izzy was frowning in pain and Jace seemed to want to reach for him somehow, but changed his mind and let Alec finish his story. "I was scared because I didn't want to be the one who broke our family; mom and dad were already fighting and the last thing you and Max needed was this. So I never told you guys, but I think it's time. I need to say this to you."
He took a short break but for him it felt like an eternity. This was it. Another step towards the man he wanted to become.
"I'm gay." He lift his gaze, his teary eyes looking towards them, waiting. A moment later he felt Jace's strong hands around him. They were both crouched on the carpet. Jace was squeezing him really hard and Izzy joined them, embracing them both.
"Alec, we love you. No matter what." It was Jace's voice and it had been some time since Alec heard him say those words. "I'm so proud of you. I'm sorry you had to go through this alone. We love you, always remember that."
"Jace is right. You're safe with us. I'm sorry you were alone during all this time."
"It's my fault, I've closed myself off from everybody, especially after...well, I guess I have a whole story to tell you guys."