The black liquid was swirling in his paper cup. It wasn't even black, but more like dirty water, the kind that was flooding the streets after heavy rain. It tasted horrible too, like hot coffee-flavored something.

"How do you survive drinking this?"

"Oh, we don't drink that. We have a coffee machine in the lounge."

"Excuse me," he answered in a sarcastic tone.

"Hey, we save lives here, we deserve good coffee."

"Yes, you do, honey. Yes, you do." He rested his head on her shoulder. He was so tired. It was almost seven o'clock in the morning and he was still waiting in the hospital for some news. Catarina's shift began at eight, but she came in earlier when Manus told her what had happened. When she arrived, she found the boys in an awful state, especially Alec, with a few drops of blood on his shirt and a miserable look engraved on his face.

Now, Magnus glanced over in the direction that Alec had taken off, half an hour earlier, when the police came and asked to see Izzy and maybe question her if she was up to it. And then…nothing. He just had to wait and it frustrated him not to know what was going on. Caterina must have felt his agitation because she immediately told him she could ask some of her colleagues if they knew anything.

"No, stay here with me. I don't want to wait alone. Alec will be back with some news any minute now," he answered, still resting his head on her shoulder. "And maybe I'll need you here when the news comes."

"Stop that. She's going to be alright, okay? She was very lucky that Alec was there. But there's nothing to worry about now. She's in good hands here," she said in a warm voice. "It's truly worrying how many cases like this we get. Don't they teach you in school to never leave your drink unattended?"

Magnus rolled his eyes at her.

"I'm not joking, Magnus. Drink spiking is very common these days. We get a lot of cases like this. Especially teenagers and young adults. Alcohol is actually the drug most commonly used in drink spiking, but other substances are even more dangerous and can cause memory loss and drowsiness."

"Why would someone do that?"

"Sometimes it's just a silly prank, but other times it's about sexual assault and that's when they use the stronger drugs. The victim wakes up the next day and they don't remember what happened."

"Are you saying that someone tried to rape Izzy?"

"It's a possibility, yes."

Magnus felt terror spreading through his body. It was just now that he realized what all this meant.

"All that matters now is that Alec found her on time and that she's safe. It's all that matters," said Catarina when she noticed that her words terrified Magnus.

He knew that Catarina was right, but somehow, he felt that the world he lived in was not as safe as before. Memories from his past started to flood his mind. He tried to fight them back, but he was too tired. So the images came rushing in: the orphanage, all the other kids, that awful man and his fingers touching his face. In his imagination, he could only see his fingers, fingers that traced back to nothingness. They weren't even human fingers, more like a shadow. He could still remember him if he tried hard enough, but he didn't want to. Let it be a shadow…a shadow of the past. But if someone had tried to hurt Izzy, to rape her, it meant that people like him were still free, walking the streets, going to parties, talking to strangers, and hurting them. All of it made Magnus sick to his stomach. He thought that coming to New York would change everything, but was it all just an illusion? Was that horrible world he thought he left behind still there and, he was only pretending not to see it? It seemed it was…

"Hey, looks like Alec's back," Catarina said, putting a hand on his shoulder and bringing him back to reality. He turned around, and, from across the hall, Magnus saw Alec's figure coming toward them. He handed Caterina his almost untouched coffee and headed towards the other boy. As he got closer, he saw how a sleepless, eventful, and terrible night changed Alec's features.

"Hey," he said hesitantly. "Anything new?" He thought the news might be bad, he was scared. He glanced for a second at Caterina and then turned back to Alec.

The other boy stopped walking and just stood helplessly in the middle of the corridor.

"The results came back. It was GHB. They're gonna keep her in for another 12 hours just to be sure she'll be okay."

"GHB?"

"It's also called the "date rape" drug because it has sedative and anesthetic effects."

"Oh my God. Caterina mentioned something about this. I'm so sorry, Alec. I'm so sorry." Alec just nodded. "How is she? Did you talk to her? Did the police talk to her?"

"They only asked her a few questions, but they're going to come back in a few hours for more information. She was too tired to focus, and the doctor sent them away. She's asleep right now."

"And the doctor, what did he tell you?"

"He said she's going to be alright and that I got there in time. He's more worried about the psychological effects. PTSD, all that stuff." His voice was desperate in the end. All that stuff…Magnus knew very well what all that stuff meant.

Alec lifted his gaze and Magnus could see that his eyes were almost teary. His face was very pale, and his lower lip was shaking. He was barely holding it together. "What if…I hadn't got there in time? What if she…if she…"

"Alec, no," Magnus rushed to stop him. "Don't let your mind go there. All that matters is that she is safe. She's in very good hands here" He heard himself repeating what Caterina had told him a few minutes earlier. He hoped that this time, these words would help Alec more than they helped him.

Instead, Alec just looked around, helpless and desperate. When their eyes locked, Alec must have seen how worried Magnus looked, he must've understood what Magnus felt for him because the second after, he broke. His body started shaking, harder and harder by the second. It seemed like it was difficult for him to breathe. Magnus felt his heart aching for the boy in front of him. He put his arms around him and tried to bring him closer. For a few seconds, they stood like that: Alec trembling and trying to calm himself down and Magnus clumsily embracing him. But then, Alec's voice started whispering in his ear, "No, no," and then louder, "no." He drew away from him in a sharp movement. He pushed Magnus away, not hard, but enough to create distance between them. He squatted a little, hands resting on his knees. He started drawing in deeper breaths, one by one, till he stopped shaking, he clenched his fists hard, digging his nails into his palms. When he stood up, Magnus could see his cheeks were still wet with tears but his figure was sharpened.

"No…I can't…I'm sorry, I can't." His voice was hoarse but steady in a way that hurt Magnus. He stepped toward Alec in a confused and somehow desperate way to help him, but Alec just stepped further away. "I want to be alone right now." As he spoke, he looked at Magnus, but his eyes were cold and spoke of no emotion. He turned around, walking down the corridor towards where he came from and not looking back.

Magnus was left alone in the middle of the hallway, trying to understand what had happened in the last minute. He felt offended by Alec's gesture, the way he withdrew from his arms as if Magnus was hurting him, the way he walked away, and the expression in his eyes. Magnus was only trying to help make him feel better. For a second, he felt as if all of this was his fault in some way. Was Alec mad at him? Had he said anything inappropriate? Couldn't Alec see that he understood so well what Izzy was going through? That he even understood what he was going through? His thoughts led him towards anger and confusion as he stomped back to the waiting area.

"What happened?" Catarina asked when Magnus returned.

Before he answered, he grabbed the paper cup from her hands and chugged the entire cup of coffee. He flinched in disgust and then said, "He said it was GHB. The police will come back later. Izzy's resting for now. That's all he said, and then, when he started crying, I tried to comfort him, but he just took off, just like that." He felt annoyed and tried to hide it away like it was no big deal. But Catarina knew him too well.

"Come on, Magnus. He is clearly very upset. Try to understand him."

"Who the fuck does that? I was just trying to help! I guess I'll just go home."

"You won't."

"Why not? He clearly doesn't want me here. And now I know Izzy is safe, so there's no need for me to be here."

"You know that's not true."

"The way he looked at me…"

"I don't think he meant to hurt you."

"Then why did he act like that? Why did he have to make me feel like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like my hug was hurting him. I just wanted to help or be there for him, or just do something for him. And he just pushed me away, like it was my fault that he's hurting."

"Honey, it's not your fault. And I'm sure he doesn't believe that." Her voice was warm, and it calmed Magnus a little. "Come on, let's sit over there," she gestured toward the sits in the waiting area. "You know, sometimes people don't know how to express what they feel, because they don't really understand it. I bet he's feeling all kinds of emotions right now, and it confuses the hell out of him. You know, when you're in danger or someone you love is in danger, your body reacts to that. It's called a fight or flight response. There's a rush of adrenaline, and your body is just trying to keep you alive. But only after that do you realize what's actually happened. In those moments, you're just looking for a way out, but after it passes, you have to deal with all the emotions. On top of that, you feel really tired, your body needs rest from all that stress." She paused for a second. "Alec needs some rest, and so do you."

"I just wish I'd understand what he's feeling so I could help him." Magnus placed his head on her shoulder, and she put her arm around him. He sighed loudly, letting his body relax a little.

"Well, remember back in Costa Rica, when you used to get drunk and high, and God knows what else?"

"I don't see how this is going to make me feel better."

"Well, one time you got so drunk, I had to take you to the emergency room. And for a few hours, I just had to wait and wait, and nobody was telling me what was going on with you. It was hell for me, waiting there and doing nothing. I felt useless and lonely. And I was so scared. So fucking scared. I replayed the moment I found you over and over again in my mind, thinking about what I should have done better, thinking about what I did wrong, how I could have found you sooner, how I could've prevented it from happening. I remember that when I found you, your hands were really cold. As I was waiting in that emergency room, I could still feel your cold hands in mine. And it was just me there for a couple of hours, lonely, frightened, and freezing to death. So I know how Alec feels, and I can understand why he reacted the way he did."

"I don't know what I'll do if anything were to happen to you. I can't even imagine it without getting scared." Magnus' voice was low, almost a whisper.

"I think he's very scared. It feels like you're plugged into a fear engine. You feel it in your stomach, in your heart, and your thoughts are flooding in. You hugging him probably made him feel vulnerable. He's trying to be strong for his sister and for Jace. Maybe he doesn't want to feel everything right now."

After hearing Catarina's words, it was easier for Magnus to understand the way Alec had acted. He felt a rush of emotions, something more than just empathy, and he knew then he wanted to forgive Alec. "So I shouldn't have hugged him?"

"No, honey, it's okay that he knows there's someone there for him. But don't get too upset that he didn't respond the way you wanted him to. Don't be selfish. Be patient, people are complicated, and relationships too." She brushed his hair gently. It tingled a little. "In time, you'll be able to help him, and he'll accept it in the form it's given to him, you'll find the middle way."

"You sure?"

"Well, no. But if you both want it, you will. I think that's what love is."

"Love is the middle way?"

She took her time to answer. Magnus thought he could close his eyes just for a few seconds, just to make the stinginess go away. He was extremely tired, and it now came in waves, taking over his body.

"Or maybe walking the middle way holding someone's hand." He couldn't tell if he was dreaming or not.

His eyes were locked on the floor, counting the number of squares that formed the bigger one and then counting how many of the big squares were between him and the door that led to Izzy's hospital room. A pair of legs stepped into his sight and messed up his counting. He looked up and saw his older brother. He looked all fucked up, and on top of everything, he had some chocolate leftovers on the corner of his mouth.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Mom called again," Jace said. Alec wasn't fine and Jace immediately sensed it, but what was he supposed to say to make him feel better?

"What did she say?"

"I reassured her everything is going to be alright. She wanted to come down here, but she couldn't leave Max alone. She'll drop him off at school, and then she'll stop by."

"Any news from dad?" Alec seemed tense.

"He's on his way now from Philly."

Alec frowned. Jace thought this might be too much for him in just one night.

"I'll stay with Izzy till one of them shows up." He looked over at his brother, hoping his words would reassure him a little, but he only saw the pale face of a very worried, and very tired Alec. And looking closer, more carefully, he could see something else, something that resembled the look on his brother's face the night he told them he was gay, but more seriously. He thought, for a second, he could see the walls around Alec cracking. It looked to him like he was desperately trying to put them back together, but they just kept falling all around him. "You should go home and rest. You look awful."

"Thanks."

"No, I mean it. Go home. I've got this." His phone beeped twice in a row. "Look, Clary will even bring me something to eat and wait with me." He smiled just a little as he was saying these words. Clary had texted him all night asking for news. She and Simon stayed back at the pub, answering police questions and then packing everything up.

"I want to be here when she wakes up. I want to know she's okay. I can't leave."

Jace nodded. It seemed Alec thought this was what he needed and for the moment, Jace let it go. He came closer to him, and, for a few minutes, they both watched Izzy through the glass doors. She was sleeping, almost peacefully. From time to time, she took a deep breath, and they could see her chest and the sheet that covered her slightly going up. He could see both their reflection on the glass doors and, for a second, it seemed to him they were like knights watching over the sleeping princess.

They were standing shoulder to shoulder, and suddenly Jace could feel Alec's body slightly trembling. At first, he thought Alec might be cold, but the trembling intensified by the second. He looked upward, towards his brother's face and saw Alec biting his lip, his eyes squeezed tight and intentionally avoiding Jace's. His cheeks were wet from tears, some of them falling from his chin. Jace immediately looked away. Alec was quietly crying, and he couldn't remember if he ever saw his older brother like that.

Seconds passed, and they just stood there, not saying a word. Jace thought about what Alec might feel in those moments. He had always been the one looking out for them, the older brother, the one that stepped in when their parents couldn't. And he was always very protective of Izzy, and Jace had never been jealous, because since the moment he walked into their house, back when he was ten and Maryse and Robert adopted him, there was a silent understanding between him and Alec. Over time, the bond between them grew stronger: two knights protecting the princess. But the princess was a warrior too, he thought and smiled.

He put an arm on Alec's shoulder and squeezed him tight. "I know, Alec. I know." He didn't actually know what Alec was feeling because Alec had been the one who found Izzy on the bathroom floor, but he wanted his brother to know he wasn't alone. He remembered the way he found them, back at the pub, making his way through the curious crowd. When he reached the bathroom, Alec was already holding Izzy's head in his lap, and Magnus sat beside him, talking on the phone to the 911 operator. He tried to push people away, he even screamed that it was his sister over there, he pushed and pushed, but the closer he got, the harder it was to advance. It seemed like he would never reach his siblings. He remembered the panic taking control of his body, he remembered being suffocated by the crowd, the smell of sweat, voices screaming or asking what had happened. Someone even suggested that she passed out from drinking too much. "For fuck's sake, make some room!" he shouted with a voice so loud, he almost didn't recognize it as being his own. And when he finally got to them and saw their faces, Izzy almost unconscious on the floor, with a scratch on her forehead and some blood dripping on the tiles, and Alec, with a look of despair that made Jace freeze at the moment, he understood that he had to be the pillar that kept them standing this time.

"I'm scared too, Alec. Really scared. And I feel guilty for not being the one who found her, for not being there when she needed me. Some part of me feels like I let her down. But then the other part keeps on thanking God for you because you were there. And I'm having these what if's thoughts, and I know it doesn't help me or anyone that I'm making up better outcomes in my head, but I still do. I know it's not my fault, but I still feel guilty. I guess…what I'm trying to say is don't be so hard on yourself. Feel what you need to feel, it's okay.

"I…She's our little sister…" Alec said in a low voice. Then he looked at Jace, his eyes bloodshot from tiredness and sadness. "I'm feeling so many things right now, I don't know how to cope with everything. I'm scared to be scared," he said with a sigh. "I hate this feeling, this weakness. I…I just...Magnus wanted to hug me earlier, and I pushed him away because I can't. There's no way I can feel everything, it's too much. It feels like I'm having a continuous panic attack, Jace. He looked lost and terrified. "How can I be this weak, when she's the one who's truly hurting?"

Alec sat down on one of the chairs, and Jace kneeled near him. "Maybe it's your turn to feel everything. You have the right to. I mean, you found her, you brought her here, you talked with the police, then the doctors. Now you can feel everything you need to feel, and that's alright. You were strong for her, and now we can take turns. I'll be the strong one for a while. For you and Izzy."

Alec didn't answer for a while, just kept his head down. But when he looked up, Jace saw a warm smile.

"Thank you. For being strong and apparently wiser than me." He let out a quiet laugh.

"You go home, and I'll stay here till you're feeling better, okay?"

"I think I will, yes." He got up, but he still seemed to hesitate. He turned around, wavering. "Do you think Magnus will understand and forgive me for the way I acted?"

"I don't know, but I think he understands better than you that being vulnerable doesn't mean you're weak. You can start from there."

Before Alec left, he looked at Izzy one more time. Half a smile lighted his face. She was safe.

As he approached the waiting area where he left Magnus, tiredness took over his body. He felt the urge to hug someone, to sense another human's warmth. He looked over to the chairs where Magnus and Catarina were sleeping, and he realized he didn't want just anybody near him. He wanted Magnus, he wanted to feel his warmth around him, his hands, his breath. He wanted to feel safe too.

It was a quarter to eight when she felt someone poking her shoulder. She saw the figure of a tall man as she tried to open her eyes fully. She quickly adjusted them to the light in the hallway and looked at the person standing in front of her. His eyes looked very tired, he was barely keeping them open, and little threads of blood were mapping his sclera. He knelt beside her and kept his voice a whisper.

"Mind if I take your place here? I'm afraid I have to wake him, though."

"Oh, no problem. I start my shift in a few minutes anyway," she answered with a warm smile.

They smoothly switched places, and Catarina took off towards the locker room to freshen up. As she was walking away and then pretending to look for some files, she could hear them. Alec's voice was very warm and gentle, despite his tiredness.

"Magnus, hey. Hey, I'm sorry I have to wake you."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes, yes. I was just…I was wondering if you'd like to come with me and rest a little before I have to come back here. I would really love it if you came." She could see the loving way Alec was holding Magnus' hands in his. She felt she was intruding on their intimate bubble, so she silently turned around and left.

She thought about how Alec left an hour ago, how Magnus felt and how he wondered about his feelings, about Alec's feelings, how Alec came back, and Magnus was already waiting for him. As she entered the locker room, the October sun shining on her face, warming her up, she thought about patience and love and silent forgiveness.

A/N: For the ones who are still reading this, thank you. I started this story when I was a child, and now I am this older child with a slightly better understanding of the world around her. Thank you for being with me on this journey, and thank you for going on this journey with these characters. I cannot explain how much your reviews mean to me. I stopped writing this story for reviews a long time ago, but still getting them is truly a wonder.

I look back at what I used to write, and I can say some of it is so cringe. But even so, I don't want to change anything. I want this to be a testimony of my growth. If those were my words then, then so be it.

"I'm not the one you knew, I'm now and then combined."