Chapter 3: Uncomfortable Conversations

Severus Snape had not been able to show his true emotions or intentions for so many long years that it had truly shaped the man's very being. He was trying so hard to find that balance between what was comfortable and what was real. He sat in his quarters slowly finishing his third glass of whiskey. The burn of the liquid stung in both the literal and figurative sense. Turning out to be quite like my father despite my best efforts not to do that very thing, he chastised himself as he pushed the bottle away and made the difficult decision not to have another glass.

He glanced over at a portrait of the late Dumbledore that hung in between two tidy bookshelves. The words of the actual man rang in Severus' ears. I should never reveal the best of you, Severus?

Severus made his way over to the portrait and asked, "May I have a word with you?"

Dumbledore's portrait rose up from his seat and came towards the front of the frame. "Of course you may, Severus. What is bothering you?" he asked.

Severus paused. He had done much talking with Dumbledore's portraits during his short time as Headmaster of Hogwarts, but very little since he had returned from his months of recovery at St. Mungo's. Finding the right words he said, "I'm having an exceptionally hard time figuring out how to live now that the Dark Lord has been vanquished for the final time. I'm unsure of myself at nearly all times. You once said that by concealing my reasons for joining you and the Order that I was concealing the best of myself. I'm afraid that it seems that I have done exactly that. What's worse is that it seems that I have lost myself in the effort. I am unsure what remains of me after so many years of playing by certain rules that kept me alive."

"I see," replied his beloved mentor and only true friend "I know those rules so well. Those rules kept almost everyone at a distance. The question really is who is it that you want to be?"

Severus opened his mouth and shut it several times. He was not good at these kinds of intensely emotional conversations and he never had been. Finally he replied, "I am not sure. When I was a younger man you know I was so drawn to the dark arts. I had a miserable life at home and thanks to certain people it was not much better here at Hogwarts for me when I was growing up. As only you truly know I lost all desire to be a Death Eater the very moment that Lily and her family's lives were put into danger. I truly did want them all to be saved. I had long before that put aside any childish notions that she could ever love me back so all I had left was the small comfort of knowing that she would be happy. Then you convinced me to help you protect Harry for so many years and I worked diligently towards the goal of eventually bringing down the Dark Lord. I never wanted anyone to know out of sheer embarrassment, but I tried to convince myself it was out of self-preservation. "

Dumbledore's portrait nodded quietly in response. So Severus continued, "To get to the point, I spent seventeen years concealing all but the absolute worst of myself. I was never much of a happy or social person at any point of my life. I barely know what to say to anyone that isn't snide or dismissive. I don't know how to express the deep feelings that I have beneath the surface. And I damn sure have no idea how I am going to face Harry Potter and have the conversation that he is so very clearly wanting to have with me. It's a conversation that he deserves to have, but I don't know how to face it. I don't know how to reconcile my feelings of love and distaste for him."

"Hmmm" replied the portrait slowly, "Perhaps you should start with easier conversations. I personally know that Minerva would love to have a heart to heart with you. She tells me that she convinced you to come back to your position as Potions Master almost entirely through owls while you were recovering at St. Mungo's. She says that you and she have never discussed my death or the duel that the two of you had while Hogwarts was in peril. She now knows that you were doing your absolute best to protect the school and the children within these walls, but you have never allowed her the satisfaction of a true reconciliation."

Gritting his teeth Severus knew that his mentor was right. He had avoided Minerva as much as he had everyone else. He had almost exclusively spent his the weeks since returning to Hogwarts reclusively in his area of the dungeons. It was much easier than trying to change his relationships with the other staff members including Minerva. He had always been elusive and kept everyone at a distance. The only reason he had been regarded with respect by the other staff members over the years was merely due to his skills and Dumbledore's confidence.

He squinted his eyes as he answered the portrait, "Here you are, right as usual. It's time to break some old habits and actively try finding my footing as my true self rather than a mere pawn in the war."

"Now Severus, you always were so much more than a pawn. I know how deeply you came to care for Harry over the years. As much as you like to think it was just a debt you owed to Lily I know that many of your actions became of your own desire to see this world a better place. You succeeded in that and should be proud of yourself despite how others may always treat you."

Severus nodded, "I have long been used to being feared and disliked. That's the bed I made years ago. I just want to find some sort of peace in this second chance at life that I have been given for whatever reason."

"Then drop the walls you have enshrouded yourself in, Severus. Find who you really are and start to show those around you those true colors that I grew to love and respect over the years. You are an incredibly good man who has done terrible things but it was all for the greater good in the end. Without you we may have never won."

"I deeply wish you hadn't made me kill you. Even though everyone knows now that it was at your request it doesn't change the disgust and fear that others feel when they look at me. I can feel it every day. It's a wonder that there wasn't an outcry from the parents when Minerva gave me my job back."

The portrait nodded in an understanding manner. "That is because they don't understand the capacity for love and compassion that it took for you to do such a thing. I needed you to take my life. There was no other way. You saved Draco from having such a dark shadow on his soul. Truthfully you saved me the agony of a drawn out death at the hands of Voldemort's curse. It was truly a necessary act of mercy."

"What of my soul? I'm the one that has to live with this. I'm the one that has to carry the burden. I wouldn't want it to be Draco who had to do it, but I wish every day that there could have been another way." Severus shuddered.

"I am the mere shadow of a man, just a portrait after all. The reason my portrait was commissioned so close to my actual death was for you. It was done so that you wouldn't have to bear the weight of your actions alone. My human self wanted you to know how thankful he was for your loyalty and mercy. It is true that murder leaves the darkest of marks on a person's soul, but what you did was not murder. It was something else entirely. Now, it is my understanding that Minerva is currently in her office and if you truly want to start building a happier more content life for yourself I think it would be best if you pay her a visit."

Severus nodded and thanked the image of the man he still loved for his time and comforting words. He was thankful for the glasses of whiskey he had consumed. He was by no means drunk, but it had taken the edge off of his nerves. He would need that to do what he was about to have to do.

The walk to the Headmistress's office was a quiet one. It was after curfew and he only passed by a prefect from Hufflepuff in his journey through the castle. He was thankful for the lack of prying eyes. He was still rather emotional from the talk with Dumbledore's portrait. He missed the actual man more than words could ever begin to describe.

After reaching the gargoyle on the third floor of the Headmaster's Tower Severus uttered the silly password "Buttercup" and the gargoyle shifted and the spiral staircase emerged. He took a deep breath and ascended the stairs quickly, his dark cloak billowing behind him.

Once he reached the office he was pleasantly surprised that it was not much different than it had been during his brief time as Headmaster. Severus himself had changed very little after Dumbledore's personal effects had been removed and gifted to those in his will. He liked the comfort of the office being similar to the way Dumbledore had kept it for so many years. It seemed Minerva felt the same way.

Minerva McGonagall was seated at the ornate gold desk in the center of her office. "Hello, Severus" she greeted kindly almost as if she had been expecting him.

"Good Evening, Minerva" Severus returned. "I know you have wanted to talk to me for quite some time and I have cowardly been avoiding facing it. You have my most sincere apologies for that."

Minerva gave him a small smile and with a swish of her wand a chair that matched her own appeared near Severus opposite her side of the desk. "I cannot imagine your adjustment to life since the war has been easy. Accordingly, I have tried to remain patient and knew that you would come to me when the time was right." She assured him.

"Thank you for that consideration. You are correct, it has not been easy. To be truthful, I am struggling with it very much and your understanding means a great deal to me." He replied as he took a seat.

She pushed a small stack of books on her desk to the side and placed her hands folded on top of the desk. A quill that had been writing on its own stopped and settled down atop the parchment it had been writing on. Minerva said, "Severus I suppose I will start by asking why you gave me the Headmistress position. Your resignation letter was very short and to the point and your recommendation of me had been the same. You deemed me 'more than qualified to carry the position with skill and with the utmost regard to the students' wellbeing'. I very much appreciate that assessment of my character but I don't understand why you didn't want to return and hold the position for yourself."

Severus frowned, "I did not want the position because I felt, and still feel, as though I had not truly earned it. It was the Dark Lord and his minions at the Ministry that put me in the position. In my time as Headmaster I did everything I could to protect the students and this school without giving my true intentions away. It was unimaginable having to deal with the Carrow siblings and their constant torture of the students and their horrific teachings as Professors. I felt like you were who Albus would have wanted in the position and I felt like you were more than qualified. You would lay down your life for these children and have always been my favorite fellow Professor even though I was never able to actually show it."

Minerva gave a small, slightly embarrassed smile, "I had no idea." She said.

"I have always had nothing but the utmost respect for you as both a professor and a comrade against the dark forces that have threatened this school over the years. Furthermore, if I ever were to be Headmaster I would want it to be of my own merit and not due to my affiliation with Death Eaters." He spat the words out as if disgusted in himself. "I also never told you how sorry I am that we had to duel during the Battle. I never would have raised a wand against you if it hadn't been in self-defense and for appearances. I actually cornered you to see if you knew where Potter was so that I could do my best to protect him until the moment was right. Due to him being a living breathing horcrux Dumbledore had told me that he would have to die but I still wanted to do everything I could to prevent it even though I knew it was inevitable. Dumbledore also said that it was of the utmost importance that it be the Dark Lord be the one to kill Harry in order for him to be mortal again."

Minerva nodded, "What a wonderful thing it was that he was able to come back from the dead."

"Yes," Severus answered back quickly.

Minerva continued, "You played your role so very well, Severus. I would have never known where your true loyalties were placed if it hadn't been for Harry's testimony. He fervently supported you while you were recovering. At the time I thought you a true murderer as did all who remained here and were loyal to Dumbledore and Hogwarts. However, after Harry's revelations I realized that you had only used defensive spells against me. That was not so obvious in the heat of battle."

"Yes, I was so thankful when Flitwick joined you and I was able to just make an escape rather than continuing to fight you. I didn't know what I would have to do in order to keep the mask on so to speak," he said with the deep emotion of it heavy in his voice. "I didn't want to spill any more blood. It was horrible enough having to kill Dumbledore."

"I understand now that that is what he wanted and felt was necessary though, Severus. I don't even fully understand it myself but I do believe it takes a true and loyal friend to do something so difficult that is asked of them. I cannot begin to imagine what a burden it has been to bear." Minerva stressed the words true and loyal with great inflection.

Feeling more than a little uncomfortable Severus shifted the conversation. "I want to thank you for your approval of allowing me to train Brixton Winchester for my position. I truly believe that I will serve much better in the Defense Against the Dark Arts position."

"I think you will do great in teaching our students how to defend them against such forces that you know yourself all too well." She replied. "I am growing increasingly tired having to rotate the position amongst several substitutes as well. Do you think that Miss Winchester has what it takes to take over your position? As you know, it takes more than just the knowledge of advanced potions and the ability to teach. She will have to manage the brewing of many different potions year-round to supply the school with the potions we need as you have done so well over the years. I also worry about her age."

"It has only been a week since I started my extensive tutoring of Miss Winchester, but I truthfully believe she is more qualified than any witch or wizard twice her age. I was not much older than her when I took the position myself. I also believe that despite her youth she will remain professional in her duties but I will better be able to assess that as the year wanes on." Severus responded.

The Headmistress nodded in response. It seemed neither of them knew what to say next. After a long pause Minerva said, "I'm so thankful that you decided to return to Hogwarts, Severus and I hope that you can find some happiness here that you have not been fortunate enough to experience over the years."

"Hogwarts is my home and I am sure that it will take time, but I hope that I will able to get reacquainted with not only the staff here but also my own self." He said looking down at his feet.

"Your true self will shine through, Severus. I know it. Thank you for coming to me to clear the air. I also want to say how happy I am that you survived the attack."

He gave her a small smile and they said their goodbyes. As Severus made his way back to his own quarters he felt as though a part of the heavy weight he always carried on his shoulders was lifted. It was nowhere near the end of his transformation to his 'true self' but it felt like a good start.