All familiar characters belong to Janet. Mistakes are mine alone.
I ran my eyes all around Ranger's office just to be sure he wasn't pulling a 'smoke' maneuver, but not seeing him and the lack of a neck-tingle tells me he really isn't here. That's strange because he never makes plans or promises he can't keep, but I also know he's in high demand which demands a lot of his time.
I backed out of the empty office and headed into the thick of the control room. "Hey, Vince? Do you know where Ranger is? We were supposed to get together for lunch. If he can't make it, he always calls to tell me he can't and I haven't talked to him since this morning."
"Uh …" was all he could say.
That set off all kinds of alarm bells in my head. Usually the guys tell me where he is or just say Ranger told them not to give me his location. This wanting to say something but trying not to is new.
"What's going on?" I asked Vince. "Is Ranger in trouble? Tank? Any Rangeguy? Shit, please tell me there's nothing wrong with Julie?!"
"Julie's doing good," Vince assured me. "But Zero may have required a little of the Boss' time … STAT."
My stomach sank down into my knees. "Is he okay?"
"No … not really, but don't tell him I said so. Ranger's on four doing what he does best."
"So that's where I'll be," I told him and Woody, who were both manning the wall of monitors.
"Uh," Woody said this time. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Of course it is," I replied. "If something's wrong with any of you, I'm showing up to do whatever I can to help."
"We'd all expect nothing less from you at this point, Steph, but Zero isn't himself right now," Vince said, "and it may not be smart to be in his immediate vicinity. Ranger can take care of himself and Zero. Adding you into the mix may hurt more than help."
I paused, but only for a second. "If Zero needs support, I want to be there for him."
"I hate to say this, but it might not be safe to be. Zero's extremely angry. Ranger even told all of us to keep our distance until he's talked to him."
"Yeah, but rules don't apply to me. We all know that. I'll be on four," I told them, before heading towards the elevator to go down a floor.
"Steph!"
I raised my hand to signal that I heard him and his warning, and am choosing of my own free will to ignore both. The elevator spit me out on the fourth floor and I had to admit … I got a little nervous as I approached the door to Zero's apartment. Ranger being a security expert, I couldn't even count on it being partially open to get a hint of what I'm walking into.
I grew a pair, marched up to the door, and knocked with a purpose. If one of the guys is upset, or Ranger needs me to just act as his support person, I'm gonna be here. My nerves overtook my resolve when Ranger opened the door instead of Zero and then stepped through the doorway to speak to me privately out in the hall.
Before saying anything, he curled his fingers around my wrist and used his hold to pull me into him. His arms came around me and I could tell that tension had made all his muscles lock together, making it feel like I'm hugging a statue made from a solid piece of granite.
"Oh God," I whispered into his chest. "This is bad, isn't it?"
He tightened the bands of steel around me for a brief moment before drawing back to answer. "Yes. Zero's little brother died of a heroin overdose last night. He got the news about an hour ago."
I'm glad he hadn't let me go completely, because this wasn't the crisis I was expecting, and it threatened to knock my legs out from under me.
"How? Where? How is Zero? Wait, don't answer that last one. He must be devastated and really angry according to Vince."
"He is both of those, which is why I'm going to say that while I appreciate you wanting to help …"
"And be here to support you," I added.
He kissed my head. "I love you for thinking about what I might need right now, but there's a lot of emotions battling each other in there …"
"And you know I'm not real good with feelings."
"Not many people would be up to facing this onslaught of them."
"If you think my being here will upset Zero more, I'll go. But I really want him to know that I'm here for him and care about him a lot."
"Alright. If at any point you feel overwhelmed and have to leave, tell me immediately. But you need to promise me that if I tell you to go … you will without any argument. This is about what Zero needs. Our emotions can't be a factor in there."
I wanted to gulp at how ominous all of that sounded, but I know Ranger won't let me anywhere near Zero unless I agree to his terms. At this point, I don't know who he's protecting more … me or Zero.
He let me go to grab my hand before opening the door and going in ahead of me. I've never been scared of any of the guys, aside from a normal person's apprehension when meeting a bunch of huge guys with big guns, both the muscle and weapon kind, who don't talk a lot and who also don't flinch even when getting shot or stabbed. But I couldn't help but feel a twinge of 'UH-OH' walking into the apartment and seeing Zero stomping around the living room with monster-sized bags under his bloodshot eyes.
Zero's insomnia is the stuff of legend around here, so the fact that he's dealing with this on little-to-'zero' sleep has my chest hurting even harder for him. He paused in his impression of a caged tiger when he saw us.
I couldn't help but notice that Ranger kept his body between mine and Zero's. "Stephanie came as soon as she heard," Ranger said calmly to him. "She wants to be here for you, but only if you feel comfortable with that. If you aren't, or if you need to lash out or break something, she leaves now."
His voice stayed even, but it seemed like there was something in it that had Zero suddenly pausing, looking like he just checked out.
"He's slipping into shock," Ranger informed me, crossing the room to our Rangeguy and urging him to sit down on the couch.
I moved in, sitting on Zero's other side, picking up one of his freezing-cold hands and trying to warm it by sandwiching it between mine.
"There's nothing I can say right now to make any of this okay," I said to him, "but you're not alone. All of us here love you and will do whatever you need us to."
He didn't respond and his body started to shake. I looked to Ranger for guidance or some type of reassurance.
"Why don't you put a fresh pot of coffee on, Babe," he suggested.
I could hear the last part of his statement, though it went unspoken. Even if no one drinks it, the comforting ritual will help ease a bit of reality back into this nightmare. And if Zero drinks a little of anything, maybe his tremors will subside ... because it's really freaking me out.
He has always been one of the more easy going guys here, not exactly in Lester's league, but it's still a bit of a shock to see him so out of control. I took longer than I should have to find the coffee and cup-cabinet, hoping the situation will have improved by the time I get back to the living room. When the coffeemaker was done spitting and gurgling, I divided it between three mugs, put them all down on the coffee table, and then sat back down beside Zero. I made sure the coffee laced with sugar was in front of him. Something sweet always makes me feel like the world sucks a little less.
"He promised me he'd accept your help," he was saying, I assume to Ranger … though he wasn't looking at anyone.
I'd guess at the moment, he isn't seeing anything in this apartment, Ranger and I included. I cut my eyes to Batman. Clearly Zero's words aren't news to him. He takes his role as boss and role model extremely seriously. If Zero's personal life required attention, he'd be on it.
"It's possible that he was ready to get clean for you, for himself, for the family," Ranger said, "but the last time was just too much for his system to take. I believed he was ready to restart his life when I'd talked to him. It's not just you who began to breathe easier."
"I want to track down whoever sold him that shit and take them out."
"We can, and we will, but that can't bring Kedric back."
"Like I don't fucking know that? But what else can I do? I can't stand feeling like this … and it's only been an hour. I still have to make it through the fucking funeral."
"That's why you have us," I told him. "Ranger and I will be right there with you every step of the way. It might feel like it, but you are not alone. And you won't be alone dealing with this. I didn't know your brother, but I know and care about you."
He stopped being pissed-off long enough to look mildly embarrassed. "Uh, thanks?" He said/asked.
"You're welcome. What can I do?"
"Get me a time machine so I can go back ten years and stop him from ever trying that shit."
"Believe me, I would do that in a heartbeat if I could."
It was like I'd sucked all the fight out of his body. He gave up on sitting starched and sightless, and he collapsed backwards between us on the couch.
"We were planning the next phase of his life, once he'd kicked his addiction in the balls. Why did he …" he paused, trying to put what he's feeling into words. "Just … WHY?!"
Ranger rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, but turned his head towards Zero. "It's far easier to avoid an addiction than it is to recover from one. My medical team told you that as well. After speaking with him yesterday, I can promise you that Kedric did not want to leave his big brother."
Just like that, his anger was back. "But that's what he fucking did! He died with that fucking needle still sticking outta his arm, like he didn't give two fucks who found him or even if anyone would!"
"That wasn't his choice, Zero. His disease persuaded him to have a farewell party for who he was under its influence …"
"So I killed him by getting him to agree to treatment," he stated.
"No. You loved him into accepting treatment. His demons and his addiction convinced him that one last time wouldn't hurt."
"It sure as fucking hell is hurting me!"
"I know, but I need you to understand that you did everything you could. You never gave up on him, you ran out of here every single time he needed you, and you came to me to get him into a good rehab facility when you ran out of hope and options. You could blame me for his death for allowing him the dignity of showing up to the hospital under his own power, instead of just kidnapping him and forcefully locking him up in a facility against his will."
"He wouldn't blame you. He was grateful to you for showing up and offering him a different life."
"And you think Kedric would say you killed him despite you being the only member of your family still willing to talk to him?"
His answer was slow in coming because he obviously didn't want to give one.
"What would Kedric say to you after hearing you say what you did a moment?" Ranger pressed.
"He'd try to kick my ass for blaming myself for his decisions." He went away to a happier place in his mind for a moment, landing on a memory that caused a ghost of a smile to form. "He couldn't, but he'd still try."
"So listen to him and make him proud. Yes … you can - and should - be angry. You can grieve for who he was and the man he could've become, but don't dishonor your brother's memory by turning his death into a way to punish yourself. He wouldn't want that. He died because he tried to ignore and self-medicate away his feelings and traumas, instead of coming right out and saying when and how he'd been hurt seemingly beyond repair and asking for help working through it. Don't fall into the same trap."
"I'm not gonna pretend I know any of the backstory Ranger's hinting at, just what you've shared with me yourself," I told Zero, "but as someone who's tried to downplay or ignore what's been done to me … I can say that he's right. There's no changing what happened no matter how much you need to, but you can change how people see and remember Kedric, Zero. Make him your hero ... your inspiration for everything from this day on. Unfortunately, you have the power to help families that are living this kind of tragedy too, and you can use Kedric's story - your story - when you're ready to make society see men and women like him as so much more than just a problem or a statistic. Or maybe someday you just make him an Uncle and be the kind of dad you both needed when you were little kids. That alone I bet would make him happy."
"Kedric can continue to live through your advocacy and your legacy," Ranger added. "Love him, mourn him for as long as you need to after we plan a funeral worthy of him, and then I'm going to help you get to that place where you can live your healthiest, happiest life for him."