So, I wanted to do another South Park fanfic that involved a simple concept, like the Pineapple On Pizza story I wrote sometime ago. I had actually tried writing this not too long after I posted that one, but I lost my train of thought at the time because of my dogs barking. Hopefully, I can actually finish it this time though!
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park. If I did, it would probably not be as great as it is
The girl in the pink beret walked home carrying some shopping bags. She was returning home from the grocery store she worked at that had recently opened up in South Park, a place called Boyer's. She started working there to show her parents she was ready to be independent and move out. At first, working at a grocery store seemed like it wouldn't have helped her pay the bills, but luckily for Wendy Testaburger, democrats had increased the minimum wage to make it a salary she was able to survive on.
She hummed the opening tune of Eye of the Tiger as she headed towards her house. In her shopping bags, she carried a loaf of bread, a lb of cheese, ham and bologna (each) and a 20 oz bottle of Diet Pepsi. She wasn't watching her figure or anything, she just preferred the taste of soda without sugar in it.
When she got to the front door, she used her free left hand to reach inside her pocket. She froze. Oh, I must've put it in my right pocket for once, she thought. She handed the bag she was carrying to her left hand and then rummaged through her right pocket with the opposite hand. Nothing!? She now began to panic. She began living by herself only a couple days ago and she had already lost her keys! This was a problem!
Wendy pulled out her cellphone and went into her contacts. She scrolled down to Jack797 and pressed the name and then the green phone icon.
In an office, a man leaned back slightly in his chair with his feet up on his desk. He suddenly found himself falling backwards onto the floor by the unexpected voice of his favorite singer, ASCA, singing: "I'm just going my way; this can't be changed / No one can stop me; don't get in my-" He managed to get up, his back very sore from the fall, and answered in an infuriated tone: "FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T OWN A CAR! SO THERE'S NO NEED FOR AN EXTENDED-"
"Hey, Richie," he heard Wendy politely interrupt him.
"Oh, hey, Wendy," Richie's tone suddenly changed. "Um, Jack797 Locksmith Service, or BentleyBrot5 Locksmith Service if this is being read on AO3. What can I do for you?"
"I lost the key to my house and the door is locked. I can't get in."
"And what do you want me to do about it?"
Wendy facepalmed and sighed. "Richie, what's the name of your business?"
"That depends. Is this being read on FFN or AO3? The author has different names on those two sites."
"THE PART AFTER THE OWNER'S NAME!"
Richie chuckled. "Yeah, sorry. I was just messing with you."
"I honestly doubt that..."
"Alright, give me a sec," Richie pulled out his work schedule. All that was written on it was You're free, but this is a perfect opportunity to set up a Kendy fanfiction. "Alright, I might be able to squeeze you in... tomorrow morning, if that's okay."
"Tomorrow morning? No, that's – that's unacceptable. Where in God's name am I gonna sleep if I can't get inside my house!?"
"Don't you have parents you can stay with?" Richie guessed.
"No, I literally just got them to let me live by myself. If they find out that I lost my house key so soon after moving out, they'll say I'm not fit to live by myself and take my independence away."
"Ah, yes. I know what you mean. My business is literally run in my mom's basement."
"So, can you get here any sooner then?"
"Yell you what, I think I'm free maybe... tomorrow before noon."
"That's literally the same thing!" Wendy complained.
"Bingo."
"Where am I gonna stay the night though!?"
"You got friends, don'cha?" Richie guessed.
Wendy sighed. Clearly, there was no reasoning with him. "Alright, I'll see if there's anyone who will let me stay at their place."
"Alright, then, Wendy. I'll be there tomorrow morning. Bye." He hung up before Wendy could even say goodbye back to him. Then he leaned his chair back again, holding up his feet on his desk-
-before he once again fell back onto the floor, having been startled once again by ASCA's Carpe Diem -Seize The Day- playing on his cellphone. After he got back up, he answered more calmly this time: "Hello?"
"We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended-"
Richie dropped his phone and began to shake. He then yelled to the ceiling as loud as he could: "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!" (This is going to go on for a while. Let's just go back to Wendy)
Wendy scrolled through the names on her phone. Bebe was the first one that caught her eye, but she remembered Bebe went to college in Washington D.C. Next was Cartman-Yeah, hell no. Craig? No, he and Tweek were living happily away from South Park. This town really screwed them up. She didn't want to bring back any bad memories for them. Stan was saved in her phone as Dipshit because he'd turned violent after he became an alcoholic. Unlike his dad, Stan's favorite kind of beer was Pabst Blue Ribbon, so she didn't want to even try him. She scrolled down further, passing by Karen McCormick, then Kenny McCormick because she knew about their poor living conditions, but scrolling through the other names, she couldn't find anyone that would've taken her in. She scrolled back up to Karen. Then down to Kenny. It would've been weird asking his sister in her opinion, since they've almost never talked.
Wendy hit the green phone icon on her screen again. She heard Kenny's voice on the other line: "Yo, Wendy," his voice sounded a lot more understandable than it used to. Wendy guessed he must have stopped wearing the parka, or maybe he just had the hood down.
"Hey, Kenny, uh, this is really embarrassing, but... I accidentally lost my house key, and my locksmith won't be able to get here until tomorrow." Wendy sighed. "Would you and Karen mind if I stay there for the night?"
"Sure," Kenny answered. "It's actually been boring as shit here since Kevin moved out and Mom and Dad got arrested for the meth lab they had in Denver."
"Oh, yeah, I remember hearing about that... Are they gonna be able to get out of prison soon?"
"Who cares?" Kenny replied quite cheerfully. That actually didn't surprise Wendy. She knew how awful his parents were.
"Alright then, I'll see you there."
Wendy sighed. Well, it couldn't be any worse than spending the night with an abusive alcoholic.
In an area many people used as a dumping ground for all their trash, and most people in the town were certain has a dead body or two in it somewhere among the mess, was a house that had seen better days – actually, it hasn't. Even its own residents were in shock that the thing was still standing. Rats could be seen fighting over a piece of moldy cheese located right outside the front door. They were scared away by Wendy approaching it. She gulped upon seeing it on the ground. It was a good thing she'd brought her own food with her from Boyer's. It would probably all have to be eaten today though so it didn't go bad if their fridge was packed or electricity wasn't paid. She didn't know if Kenny and Karen had jobs.
Wendy sighed, trying to keep from hyperventilating on what she might see. She extended her right hand with it in a fist, before banging on the door three times.
"KENNY, SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!" Wendy heard a girl yell. It was likely Karen.
The door opened and Wendy saw a spiky-haired blond boy answer it with a cheery expression on his face. "Yo, Wendy," he greeted. Wendy was about to ask who he was, but she noticed he was wearing his orange parka, just with the hood down for once. His face looked familiar for some reason, but she didn't recall ever seeing it before.
"Oh, Kenny!" she said. "Sorry. It's been a few years." Wendy had only gotten out of high school a year ago, but Kenny dropped out in the eleventh grade due to his grades going to shit. Karen was still in high school, and Wendy assumed she was a much better student than Kenny was.
"Yeah, it has been. Good seeing you though. Most people from high school haven't contacted me since then." Now Wendy started to feel a bit bad. Sure, Kenny was poor and a bit of a pervert, and a drug addict, but he was still a nice person. "Alright, come on inside."
Wendy entered to see things looked a lot better than she was expecting. With the exception of paint being chipped off the walls in various places and there being a busted guitar standing up in the corner of the room, it looked like a person could actually live here. Karen was even playing Sonic Heroes on a Nintendo GameCube on a television (Note: The television did not have a very large screen).
"Wow, you're doing... better than expected, I'll admit!" Did saying that make Wendy sound like she was being a bitch? She hoped it didn't. She was just surprised was all.
"Yeah, I work with Stan's Uncle Jimbo selling guns. Business has been booming ever since the insanity with Republicans in 2020 – they keep buying guns because they're stupid enough to think Biden's gonna take them away – and so Jimbo's been able to pay me better than he used to because he appreciates having someone around since cancer took Ned from him. Still not doing as well as we'd like to be, but we've got the stuff I'd say we need to survive at least."
"Well, I appreciate you letting me stay here at least," Wendy thanked. "There wasn't anyone else I could really contact."
"Is that another hooker, Kenny?" Karen joked.
"Damn it, Karen. For the last time, I only invited her over to talk to her like in Catcher in the Rye!"
"Dude, I was messing with you," Karen chuckled, pausing the game before she stood up and put her hand out. "Hey, Wendy."
"Hey, Karen." Wendy shook her hand. Karen quickly sat back down on the floor and unpaused the game to continue fighting Team Rose (she was playing Team Sonic's story for the record).
"She's been playing that nonstop ever since we found it at a yard sale. Twenty bucks for the GameCube and ten games! It was practically a steal!" Kenny said. "You got anything that needs to be refrigerated in that bag? Our fridge works ever since we got the electric bill paid."
"I – I guess." Wendy pulled the lunch meat and the 20 oz Diet Pepsi. She didn't put the soda in the fridge though because she was planning on drinking it. The bread she just put on the kitchen table. The fridge wasn't very packed. She guessed they didn't go grocery shopping yet this week.
"If you don't have anything figured out for dinner, I could share some of my food with you. I could just get more tomorrow since I get an employee discount-"
"Nah, don't be stupid. You're our guest, and I wouldn't do that to ya anyway. I was going to order pizza for us to eat."
"I don't think you'd want to be around me with the kind of pizza I like to eat," Wendy joked. "A lot of people have a vendetta against Hawaiian pizza."
"YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? WE LOVE HAWAIIAN PIZZA!" Karen cheered, not directing her attention away from the video game she was focused on.
"Hey, Karen, language!" Kenny scolded.
"Sorry, bro."
"Great. There goes our only F-bomb if we're gonna keep this story T-rated."
Wendy laughed upon hearing that fourth wall break. "Well, I'm glad to hear you both won't hate me for what I order," she said.
The day didn't go as badly as Wendy was originally afraid it would. She played a bit of Super Smash Bros. Melee on the GameCube with Karen and Kenny after she finished playing Sonic Heroes (she unlocked the Last Story, but she wanted to give Wendy something to do, so she decided she would see how the game ends maybe tomorrow). Wendy was also glad Kenny and Karen were new to this game, so they didn't use that stupid wave-dashing technique that made her quit playing because everyone always beat her at the game. Losing was fine in her opinion (she literally lost in four matches against these two), but the game being impossible to win completely took away from the experience for her.
The pizza delivery guy was called at around 6 PM, about two hours after she got there. He brought three boxes of Hawaiian pizza. Wendy had two slices out of the one for her, Kenny had three, and Karen had four slices (Jesus Christ, how was she still so thin!?)
After they finished eating, the three of them went back to playing video games. This time, they played Mario Party 6. Wendy chose Princess Peach so she could be the feminist she was and not have to feel like Peach was a damsel yet again, Kenny was Mario and Karen chose Luigi just because her brother chose Luigi's brother.
At eleven o'clock, it was bed time. Kenny was nice enough to let Wendy use his bed and he took the couch because he felt the couch would be uncomfortable to lay on for her, while he was at least used to it (what a gentleman!). She tried to decline, but he insisted (Again, what a gentleman!).
Wendy was woken up the next day by the sound of Takahiro Moriuchi's voice singing "I'm not afraid to tear it down and build it up again! / It's not our fate. We could be the-" she answered it before Taka could say the name of the song, Renegades.
"Hello?" Wendy answered.
"Hey, uh, Wendy, did you ever try actually looking inside the house for your key? Because the door was actually unlocked the entire time and I see it through it your window, sitting in your living room on top of the TV – which you forgot to turn off by the way."
Wendy facepalmed. "Are you serious, Richie!?"
"I never lie to a customer, Wendy," Richie replied. "It's actually kinda funny when you think about it."
"Yeah, it is," Wendy lied. It's not like she hated hanging out with Wendy and Karen. She just hated the fact that she didn't think to try opening the damn door before she called him.
"Alright, your bill is in the mailbox by the way."
"Yeah, whatever." Wendy hung up the phone. Typical Richie, she thought. Damn cheapskate.
Wendy left the room to see Karen was already gone, having gone to school, and Kenny was sitting on the couch in his living room, watching The Big Bang Theory on the TV. Either he was off on Mondays or he didn't go into work yet, as it was only eight AM.
"Oh, hey, Wendy," Kenny greeted, standing up, putting his hand out. Wendy shook his hand. "Did your locksmith get the door unlocked?"
"Uh... yeah..." Wendy lied, not wanting to admit her uncharacteristic mistake. "Uh, I got to get back to my house soon and then go to work. I had a lot of fun hanging out with you and your sister though. It was great."
"Well, our house is always open to friends, so if you ever want to stop by, or are in the same situation again, feel free. At least give us a warning first, mind you," he laughed.
"I think I will... Um, out of curiosity, are you doing anything anything tonight?"
"Nah, I have the day off on Mondays. Why, you want to spend the night here again?"
"Nah, I was thinking of paying you back – by taking you out to see a movie with me."
"Wendy Testaburger, are you asking me out on a date?" Kenny teased.
"As a matter of fact, I am," Wendy answered.
Kenny paused. "Well, I was actually joking, but know what? We're both single, and I've always thought you were cute and a good person. It's a date!"
I'll state for the record that ASCA's Carpe Diem -Seize The Day- is actually my current ringtone, and ONE OK ROCK's Renegades was my previous ringtone. That's why I chose those two songs as the ringtones for this story. I apologize for not writing this sooner. I did try awhile back,but I lost motivation, so I stopped working on this story. Hope it was good enough to be worth the long wait though. And I'm actually glad I wrote this the way I did. I don't write enough stories that are full of jokes in my opinion. That being said, I do look forward to writing the next one. Mata ne, everyone!