"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, SAM!" Darrin Stephens yelled, "You just couldn't wait till they were gone, could you?!"
"Darrin, I-I'm sorry, I couldn't help-"
"NO EXCUSES! I lost out on a whole lot of money, and it's all because of YOU! Dammit, why couldn't have you just CLENCHED?!"
"I tried."
"Well you didn't try hard enough! You just had to fart in front of Mr. Dingleberry!"
It was true. Darrin and Samantha were having a huge fight, all because Samantha had accidentally let one go in front of a very rich prospective client of Darrin's.
That evening they had had Mr. Dingleberry, a car salesman, at their house for dinner along with Larry Tate. Mr. Dingleberry was a filthy rich billionare who was considering doing business with McMann and Tate. Things were going swimmingly and Darrin and Larry were sure Mr. Dingleberry was going to choose their agency.
And then Larry had told a joke.
And Samantha, who had eaten cream of broccoli soup with a hefty side of Fritos for lunch and had been trying not to fart all evening, had laughed so hard that she accidentally farted loudly. To make matters worse, it had smelled so bad that they'd had to open all the windows.
Mr. Dingleberry had stormed out of the house ranting that he wasn't going to give his account to a man who "had a pig for a wife," and Larry was so mad that he followed suit. Now Darrin was furious.
"Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners?!" he roared at his dumbstruck wife, "Oh, wait- SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY MANNERS HERSELF!"
"Don't insult my mother!" Samantha said, "And it wasn't my fault! I ate a lot of Fritos earlier and the indegestion was killing me."
"I DON'T CARE! I'm leaving! I'm sleeping at the club tonight!"
And he grabbed his things and stormed out the door.
As soon as he was gone, Endora appeared standing next to Samantha.
"Oh, my poor darling, what did that horrible Durweed do to you now?"
"Mother, I don't want to talk right now!"
"Fine," Endora said, "Keep secrets from your mother. And I'll tell What's-His-Face that you have a crush on Virgil the milkman."
"You wouldn't!"
"Hmm. Keep on keeping it to yourself and you'll see."
Samantha sighed heavily. "Alright, fine," she took a deep breath, "I farted."
"You what?"
"I accidentally farted in front of Darrin's prospective client and he got mad and stormed off. Larry too. Now Darrin is furious with me. He left to go spend the night at the club."
"Samantha! I taught you better than that! Where are your manners?"
"I didn't mean to! I'd been holding it all evening and then Larry told a joke and I laughed so hard that it just slipped out."
"I would've thought you'd have more decency than to do that in front of people. You immature witchlet!" Endora scolded. Then she disappeared in a puff of sparkly smoke.
"Mother?" Sam called, "I need your help! Darrin just walked out on me! Mother!"
No answer.
So Samantha groaned in exasperation, went up to check on Tabatha (who was already asleep), took two tablets of Gas-X, and then fell asleep all alone in her and Darrin's big bed without even bothering to change into her nightgown.
...
The next morning, Samantha woke up feeling much better about last night's fiasco (or, rather, disaster). It was a new day and a new start. Last night's drama seemed so silly now. Darrin had lost a client and spent the night at the club all because she had farted? That was the stupidest thing she had ever heard, and after getting a good night's sleep, she knew Darrin would probably think the same too. She decided she would go and find him at the club so she could patch things up with him and they could laugh it off together.
She got herself and baby Tabatha dressed and ready, then popped into the club lobby with Tabatha in her arms. She looked around. There was Darrin! He was sitting in the corner of a couch reading a magazine and smoking. She called him. As soon as he heard her he came hurrying towards her.
"Oh, Sam," he said, "I'm sorry."
"I am too. I mean, I didn't mean to do it, but I'm still sorry."
"No. You don't have anything to be sorry for. Like you said, it was unfortunate timing, but you couldn't help it. But I overreacted. I was an idiot to yell and walk out on you like that. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Of course I forgive you. It's all in the past now. We'll just pretend it never happened," Samantha said. Then she started to laugh. "To think all that drama happened just because of a little fart."
Darrin started to laugh too. "It's ridiculous, isn't it?"
They were both laughing now.
Suddenly Darrin stopped laughing and pointed across the room.
"Hey!" he said, "That's my old college buddy Shermie Schultz! Come on, I'll go introduce you to him."
So Darrin greeted his old friend and introduced him to Samantha and Tabatha. They had a short conversation, and then Shermie went off on his way.
"Well he seems nice," Sam said as Shermie left.
"Oh, yeah," Darrin said, "He was one of my best..."
Suddenly, he stopped short and started sniffing the air. "What's that smell?"
"What smell?"
"I think you know perfectly well what smell I'm talking about. You farted again, didn't you?!"
Samantha was dumbfounded. She hadn't farted! "I did not!" she said.
"Don't lie to me!" Darrin barked, "You farted and you know it! Sam, you have got to stop doing that in front of people! It's rude and it's downright disgusting!"
"I didn't do anything!" Samantha insisted, "I think you're imagining things now! Or maybe it was you!"
Darrin's mouth fell open. "OUT!" he cried, "Get out of here! I'm going to work. Don't bother making dinner for me tonight because I'm sleeping here again!"
"AAAAGH!" Samantha exclaimed. Then she popped out with Tabatha as Darrin left the lobby.
If either of them had stuck around any longer, maybe they would have heard Endora's evil chuckle as she stood invisible nearby.
...
Samantha remained in a melancholy, distracted mood for the rest of the day. How had it come to this over a fart? She was still in a bad mood later that afternoon when she went grocery shopping. A sad song played over the radio as she pushed her shopping cart through the aisles with Tabatha in the baby seat, making her feel even worse.
"Hey, lady! Watch where you're going!" some old guy barked when she accidentally bumped her cart into his. She hadn't been paying attention. She quickly apologized and went the other way.
She was moving slowly through the chips section and passing up the Fritos (she figured it was probably better this time) when she heard some women nearby tittering, and realized they were looking at her.
"I think she farted," one of the women whispered, smirking, "That blond one with the baby.
(The culprit this time was actually sweet little Tabatha, but since Tabatha didn't talk much yet, no one would ever know.)
And that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Samantha felt something inside her snap.
Next thing she knew, she was standing facing the group of women and shouting at the top of her lungs.
"I did not fart! Why does everyone keep thinking that I farted when I didn't?! Is everyone around me going PSYCHO?! Am I psycho? Am I hallucinating that I didn't fart when I really did?! Sure, I farted ONCE, BUT THAT WAS IT! WHY IS EVERYONE FLIPPING OUT AT ME OVER ONE LITTLE FART THAT HAPPENED 18 HOURS AGO? And what if I did fart? Is it REALLY that big of a deal?! IS IT A CRIME TO FART IN THIS TOWN?! Last time I checked, THIS WAS AMERICA! IT'S A FREE COUNTRY! I CAN FART ALL DAY LONG IF I LIKE AND NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME! But does my husband get that? Do you get that? NOOOO. My husband lost a ton of money just because I farted and I lost HIM! EVEN HIS BOSS HATES ME NOW! MY LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW! Well, guess what? I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
The entire grocery store had gone so silent you could hear a pin drop. In the aftermath of her meltdown, Samantha stood with her fists balled at her sides, flushed in the face, breathing very hard. The women who had been giggling and whispering about her were now staring at her with their mouths hanging open, speechless. Actually, Sam realized, everyone within her range of view had stopped to stare at her. Tabatha was crying.
"Manager to aisle five! Manager to aisle five!" she heard a voice say over the loudspeaker.
What did I just do?! Sam thought, becoming panicked. She was appalled at herself. She never lost it like this. Was it almost that time of the month? Oh, yeah, it was. Great.
Just then she saw the store manager coming towards her to come kick her out. Oh, no. She grabbed her crying baby, quickly turned a corner, and popped out, leaving her groceries behind.
She reappeared back in the living room of her quiet home. After thunking Tabatha into the playpen, she kicked over the wastebasket. "AAAARGH!"
"Samantha? Is that you?" she heard a familiar voice say. Darrin came running down the stairs.
"What are you doing here?!" Samantha asked.
"I came home early from work. Where have you been? I've been looking for you."
"Tuesday's my shopping day. Remember?"
"Oh... right." Darrin noticed that she didn't have any groceries with her, but he decided not to say anything.
"Look," he went on, "I just had to come home early and talk to you. I'm so sorry about both times. I realized what an idiot I've been."
"You already said that once before," Samantha grouched, "And it didn't go well."
"I mean it this time," Darrin said, "If it makes you feel better, Mr. Dingleberry came back today. He said that he overreacted to last night's incident and that he's really sorry. He's giving us his account after all. And I covered up for you and told him it was really me who farted, and that I blamed it on you 'cause I was embarrassed."
Samantha cracked a smile. "Really?"
"Mm-hm."
"Is Larry mad at you?"
"Well, that's, uh..." Darrin chuckled awkwardly, "That's a different story. I'm actually fired for the rest of the week... but that's not important. Sam, I was a jerk. I feel awful. And I want you to know that I love you. I would love you even if you smelled like you'd just crawled out from the sewers of Tijuana."
This statement touched Sam so deeply she almost choked up. "Oh, Darrin... That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever told me in my life!"
"I mean it," Darrin said, "And I want to make it up to you. So I'm taking you to dinner tonight."
"Really?!"
"Really. Just don't order any cruciferous vegetables or anything fried."
"I promise. I won't." Sam smiled from ear to ear.
"Oh, wait, I almost forgot," Darrin said, digging through his briefcase, "I got you a present." He handed her a little wrapped gift box.
"OH, DARLING!" Samantha squealed as she untied the bow, "You didn't have to! You're too sw- Uh. Oh. Gee, thanks."
It was a bottle of Beano.
"Use it," Darrin said. He pinched her face like she was a small child and then skipped off upstairs, whistling.
Epilogue:
Later that night as Samantha put Tabatha to bed, Darrin stayed downstairs to watch the news. Suddenly the TV screen showed security camera footage of the inside of a grocery store, which Darrin immediately recognized. Hey, isn't that our local Food Mart?
"Earlier today," the anchorman on the TV announced, "An unidentified woman had a meltdown at a Food Mart in Westport, Connecticut, shocking customers speechless. The woman had been shopping with her child when she suddenly began ranting and raving about flatulence, of all things."
Darrin's eyes just about popped out of his head and straight to the moon when he recognized the screaming woman on the grainy security camera footage as his very own Samantha.
"IS IT A CRIME TO FART IN THIS TOWN?! Last time I checked, THIS WAS AMERICA! IT'S A FREE COUNTRY!" he could hear Sam screaming on the TV footage.
"The manager was called to remove the woman from the premises," the anchorman continued, "But she and her child vanished before he could ever get to her, leaving behind a cart full of groceries. Says manager Manny Wong about the incident, 'It's as if she simply disappeared into thin air.' The woman was not seen again and her identity remains a mystery."
The anchorman then moved on to a different topic, but Darrin did not. He stayed staring frozen in shock at the television with his mouth hanging dumbly open. What... what the... Did he really just... ?
"Sa-MANTHAAAAA!"
...
"I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore..." Does anyone get the reference?