I've got to say I am loving this season so far of fire, for the most part, there has been a great balance of everything.
Thank you for all the feedback and reviews, all are very appreciated
~Em
~ Candidate is now the size of an apple ~
Sylvie Brett let her hair tie flick into place as she walked into the briefing room, wondering where everyone else was. Glancing down at her watch, she was surprised that no one else was around for roll call, she hadn't passed Dawson yet. But that wasn't anything new at the moment since morning sickness hadn't been that kind to her over the past few weeks. The last few shifts Dawson had been the last one running through the door for briefing and the first to leave. Brett had taken upon herself to do more of the grunt work trying to lighten the load for her PIC. And wherever Dawson was Casey would likely also be, whilst he had never shirked his lieutenant's duties but he wasn't coming in at work as earlier has he would have been in the past. Brett didn't mind that she had to take on the extra work for Dawson, she was incredibly excited for both of the Caseys… Well, at least that was what she was reminding herself.
Looking around herself for the last time to see if anyone else was coming in, Brett pushed on the glass door letting herself into the room. However, the sight in front of her stopped her in her tracks. There sat Dawson and Casey huddled around the table furthest from the door, their heads bent and close together, Casey almost had his temple pressed against hers. And there was something about Dawson, she was looking radiant. Pregnancy suited Dawson in Brett's opinion. She looked well and even though she had been having a few rough weeks, she was glowing. And today, something had changed in the last 24 hours since she and Dawson had caught up, she was looking bright eyed and ready to go. There was just something about the Caseys, almost an aura around the pair that made Brett ache. She knew better than pretty much anyone the heartache they had been through over the last few years to get to this point. In those early days of their messy engagement breakup, she had heard Gabby sobbing herself to sleep every night for weeks upon weeks.
But to look at them now, Brett wanted her own chance at happiness. To be able to find her own Matt Casey. She knew that she was on her own journey and part of that journey was the ups and downs and how she would get to her end destination, but sometimes she just wanted to be at that end point. Well aware that it hadn't been an easy time for either Dawson or Casey - they had lost not one but two children. Still here they were, stronger than ever, expecting a new arrival in a mere matter of months. And whilst she would never admit it to anyone, she wanted that too. To be able to head home after a shift to a special someone.
She was barely inside the doorway, trying to make as little noise as possible when Boden came in the door next to the whiteboard ready to start roll call. Brett was only just able to slide out of the way as the rest of the house came barrelling through the door. As she made her way over to the far side of the room to find her usual spot next to Dawson, she watched intently as Casey began his way towards to the back of the room after one final brush over Dawson's belly. It was the little things that made Casey the perfect husband, there's was nothing too small to show Dawson that he cared. What Brett found interesting was the transformation that happened before the entire house's eyes, you could actually see him shift from Matt into Lieutenant Casey as he purposefully strode to take his usual spot next to the squad lieutenant. And at the same time, Dawson's eyes never left her husband until he was settled in next to Severide.
Boden had barely been able to get the words 'Good Morning' out of his mouth before the bells rang about an accident needing Ambo's attention. He nodded at the two women as they made their way out of the room.
"Thanks Chief," Dawson acknowledged as she went past, before nodding at Casey who gave her a small smile.
Dawson hauled herself into the passenger's seat and gave Brett a wide smile whilst waiting for the garage doors to open.
"Well, aren't you cheery today?" Brett commented as she pulled the Ambo onto the still quiet Chicago streets.
"For the first time in weeks, I woke up without any nausea. And I didn't feel like I needed to fall asleep at 8 at night, I can't remember the last time that happened," Gabby gleefully told her.
Brett couldn't help but laugh at her friend, one that was bubbling over at the idea that she was able to stay awake during what was considered a relatively early time at night.
"Hey," Gabby accused. "You laugh now… You just wait Sylvie Brett, your time will come and you too will understand how good it is to wake up and not feel like you still have the worst hangover in your life. And it wasn't even a good hangover."
"Good rehearsal for when the baby actually arrives."
Brett tried to keep her laughter light as she thought about what Dawson was saying to her. When would her time be here? When would it be her turn to be complaining about how exhausted she was? Brett had moved to Chicago in search of a new life, not to sit at home with her boyfriend watching movies… But over the last few years she had lived that 'going out and enjoy everything' lifestyle. And now she was ready for a new season in her life. Though she would never admit it Brett was actually a bit jealous of both Dawson and Kidd. And who would have ever thought that Severide would actually look like settling down, with a female firefighter of all people?
"Brett?" Gabby's voice shook her out of her self-inflicted daydream land. "Earth to Brett - you okay?"
"Yeah," Brett fobbed her off, focusing her attention back on the road. "Just thinking about the shift head of us. You know it's never going to be a good day when we get called out before roll call has even started," she quipped.
Gabby laughed along with her, neither of them knowing how true Brett's statement would turn out to be.
Late in the afternoon, Brett came across Dawson restocking the ambo whilst humming quietly to herself. It had been a while since she had seen Dawson this full of energy and out working on the rig when it was past 6pm. The whole day she had been watching a completely fresh and re-energized Dawson. Something that she had been missing for many many weeks. Brett had missed having her usual partner around working with her, and she had to pick up more of a leading role on Ambo. In some ways, it was like training for when Dawson would leave for her maternity leave. Not that she hadn't been in that role before, but that was an annoyance for another day.
"You seem like a completely different person today Dawson…" Brett commented as she leant up against the open door of the rig. Dawson's head shot up at the sound of the laughter in her friend's voice. She had begun to feel guilt over all of the extra work that Brett had had to pick up over the last few weeks, she had gone from needing to sleep at the drop of a hat to feeling like she wanted, or needed, to throw up every second of the day.
She had reasoned that the only reason she was able to function as a paramedic was the adrenaline rush from every call. But now she was starting to feel better she knew that she needed to step up and be the PIC again, unlike having a firefighting candidates, it wasn't up to her partner to do all the grunt work. Whilst the buck might stop with her, Gabby knew that she needed to pick up a fair share of the load.
"It's amazing how a bit of sleep and energy can change your life Brett," she commented looking down at the slight swell, her hand coming to rest on it.
Brett looked away slightly, still not used to the ugly green monster that was continually rearing its ugly head. If she was honest with herself, she has never really thought about having kids… Maybe back in a different time when she was still with Harrison. Life was taking turns that she could never have imagined, and she couldn't even explain why she was feeling the way she did. When the Caseys had been fostering Louie she had not harboured these same feelings, so they had caught her slightly off guard this time.
Taking in a slightly shaky breath, Brett plastered a smile on her face and turned back around to face Gabby. Gabby, however, had noticed that all wasn't right with her friend and proceed to pull her into the back of the Ambo. She busied herself counting stock whilst sitting on the stretcher, knowing that Brett would open up to her just given the time.
After a few moments, Gabby opened her mouth, "Is there anything you want to say? I'm happy to hear anything Brett, the good, the bad and the ugly."
"In some ways, I feel like we've only just started working together again and now you're going again," confessed Brett as she climbed up into the rig to take a seat on the floor opposite Gabby. "Everything is changing and there's nothing that I can do to slow it down." Brett believed that this was the best course of action - to tell Gabby what was going on, sorta. She didn't want to tell her that she was jealous, it would come off as petty.
"Brett, I'm not going anywhere… Not really. It's not like we're just work colleagues. We're friends. You're still going to see me."
"But it won't be the same… Having a new PIC…"
"Hey, Brett, you know that you'll probably just step back up to the PIC role. I'll be sure to make that suggestion to Boden…"
"Dawson, it's not about that. It's just not going to be the same, riding with someone else…"
Gabby shuffled towards the back doors pulling them slightly closed. There was something that she could hear in Brett's voice that made her sure that this wasn't just about her leaving Ambo… Hell, they hadn't even spoken about her leaving. Yes, it was a foregone conclusion that she would have to leave at some point, it wasn't going to be anytime soon.
"Sylvie - There isn't anything we can do right now. We can't change anything. And there's nothing that can be achieved by worrying about something that we can't change, right now," she told her workmate.
Brett nodded her head slowly. She couldn't even comprehend what Gabby might actually say to her if she really knew what she thought. That she was jealous of Gabby and everything she had. And that she wanted Gabby's life, and that thought alone made Brett hate herself all the more. Gabby sat motionless as she watched Brett's face and body language, there was something that wasn't right. Whilst Gabby couldn't quite put her finger on it, she knew that it was more than just her leaving Ambo soon.
As she opened her mouth to see if she could work it out, she was cut off by the ringing of the bells.
"We're doing a girl's night Brett - you, me and Kidd," Gabby informed her as she clambered out of the rig. Hopefully, a night out with the girls would allow Brett to really open up to what was going on.
It was a full blown factory fire that Brett pulled up to.
"Just park it over on the side," advised Dawson as she looked around her finding that none of the fire rigs had turned up yet, although she could hear the sirens wailing in the near distance.
Jumping out, Dawson found herself facing a raging inferno with smoke billowing out of the doors and windows. Turning to face the Chief who was taking in the sight next to her. "I don't like it Chief," she commented, her firefighting side taking over.
Boden slowly started to nod his head as they were joined by Casey and Severide. "What have we got Chief?" Severide inquired.
"Fully involved structure fire… I don't like it either…" He looked around himself to see if there were any people about.
"It's an abandoned warehouse Chief," added Kelly. "Likely not to be anyone in there."
"But we should do a primary, just in case," inputted Casey. How many times had they been almost certain that they were at the empty residence, that there would be no one to save, only to find that one had been missed? How could they leave that to chance? And in all of his musings, he failed to notice the hard stare that Dawson shot his way.
"I will not play beat the clock Casey," Boden replied. "There is nothing to say that there is anyone in that building. I want Engine up there with hoses…" Looking around one last time, he raised his voice above the hubble that surrounded the site. "81, raise the aerial… and fire up the water cannons."
Casey stood firm, his eyes scanning the windows for any signs of life, Severide doing a similar thing. It was only a moment or two before Casey was sure that he saw movement in the lower left corner. "There," he announced pointing towards the window in question, "I swear I saw movement Chief," he earnestly told anyone who would listen.
Boden sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "Okay, Casey, Severide you have two minutes - not even a second longer. Do you hear me?"
Both lieutenants nodded as they took off running towards the building, pulling on their breathing apparatus as they moved. Dawson's breath caught in her throat as she watched both men charging towards a building that was billowing smoke from all angles.
As normal, the rest of 81 were suited up ready to follow their lieutenant in with Herrmann leading the charge. "No, Herrmann," Casey turned at the last possible second to stop his older second in command, "No… Severide and I have got this. Cindy would never forgive me. We do not need to risk the whole company over this."
Turning back towards the building, Matt missed Brett's shocked look and Gabby's incredibly pissed look. Everyone around them could feel the fury radiating off of the young PIC.
Seconds ticked by as they entered the building, each one feeling like another hour to Dawson. She swore black and blue that they had been in there for more than two minutes. Obviously, there was someone in there, why else would they be taking this long - she didn't like this. Suddenly there was a loud explosion as black smoke puffed through the top windows.
"CASEY! SEVERIDE… Out of that building… NOW!"
Dawson's eyes began to fill with tears, she had never felt the fear that she was currently feeling coursing through her body. Herrmann turned to look at her as he heard the slight gasp from her direction.
"Hey kid," he pulled her towards the Ambo and away from the scene, shielding her from the rest of the house. "He's going to be alright Dawson… You know Casey - that boy has more lives than a cat. He's going to be just fine," he tried to reassure the PIC in his arms.
Dawson managed to nod her head slightly, her bottom lip quivering, still unable to form any coherent words. They were taking far too long to respond to Boden's call… Matt was taking too long, what was she going to do if something happened to him?
She let out a huge sigh of relief as she saw her husband coming towards her, Severide by his side helping their victim towards the company. Glancing sideways, she motioned towards Brett to grab the gurney and head towards their workmates. And the closer she moved towards them, the fear began to disappear. A hand closed around the collar of Casey's turnout coat and the second patting him down to make sure that he was still alive and okay.
"Don't you ever do that again…" she warned. Glancing over at Severide, she raised her eyebrows in question, breathing out as Severide nodded. She released Casey's coat as she turned towards their smoke inhalation victim, and as she did so she found that the fear that she had previously felt turn into anger. She was roaring mad at him, how could he be so worried about his men, but have no regard for himself?
She heard the Chief's voice break through her thoughts, "Get him to Med, Dawson."
How could Casey have done what he had done? How could he be so reckless? The closer she got to the Ambo to more enraged she was becoming. Toss the keys over at Brett, she saw Casey's face and his mouth open ready to say something. Not wanting anything to do with him, she slammed the rig's back doors shut, leaving a stunned Casey standing.
Gabby settled herself down into the back seat, one eye on the monitor. All the while her mind ticking over and Casey's hollow voice echoing in her head, 'Not you Herrmann… Cindy would never forgive me.' Her hand went up to her mouth to try and stifle the sob that was trying to break through.
Matt paused at the back door entrance to the Casey house the next morning as Gabby slammed the door in his face. What had happened this time? Matt had stopped trying to make sense of anything that she did about six weeks ago. Sometimes Gabby was the most reasonable person in the world… But other times, even if he did manage to get an explanation as to why she was annoyed with him, he still wouldn't be able to understand what he had really done. But he was quickly learning that everything, not to mention anything, was his fault now.
Taking a deep breath, Matt opened the door fully intending to find his side of the bed and hopefully cuddling up to Gabby and getting some sleep after that crazy call. But he found himself just about to take his first step up towards the bedroom when a flying pillow hit him square in the chest. Having had the wind knocked out of him slightly and with the pillow having taken him by surprise, Matt quickly found himself on his butt with another pillow hurtling towards his head. Moving fast, he managed to get his head far enough out of the way that the pillow managed to miss him. What was up with this wife of his?
"Since you like to live on the wild side, you can sleep down there!" Gabby flounced off and slammed the bedroom door. It was so hard that Matt could feel it all the way downstairs. Matt picked himself and the pillow up off the floor.
Deciding he was too tired to fight Gabby or to even think about what he might have done, but at the same time, he wasn't too sure that he could find sleep for himself. So rather than head upstairs to see what was eating at Gabby, he decided to let her calm down and then talk to her later. There was no point letting everything go to hysterics like it likely would if he went up now. He didn't have a clear head about what it was that he had even done. All he had done was his job, and he couldn't work out what he had done wrong. Instead, he decided that he should probably start cleaning the study.
Matt was notorious for keeping a clean and tidy space at the firehouse. He knew that his workmates would be horrified to even know that it was all Matt's doing that their office space was really unusable. Bending down, he swiped all of the papers off the ground and began to shuffle through them, sorting them into piles. He would never have thought that an alderman's job would come with quite so much paperwork. It was part of any job, the paperwork - the unseen part, the part that no one would ever talk about. And between his three jobs, he was drowning in paperwork.
Sighing, he looked over the numerous piles that had accumulated on the desk in the short time he had been sifting through them. He had even managed to collect a massive amount of Fire Department paperwork at home, he still wasn't sure how that had even happened. Matt knew he needed a better system of sorting all of this out. Glancing around the room, he realised that Gabby had bought coloured filing folders for her paperwork from Molly's. He was sure that he could use that.
Kneeling down to reach into the bottom drawer Matt's hand brushed against a stack of paper at the very back of the drawer. Curious as to what they were he withdrew a stack of them. Smiling he found that they were a bunch of photos, and he found as he was flicking through them that some were old and others much more recent. Pausing at one, he decided he needed to show this one to Gabby. You never know, it might just lift her spirits and get her to open up to him.
Quietly he made his way up to their bedroom in the hopes that she would have woken up by now. However, the sight that greeted him took his breath away. Gabby was still sprawled in bed, hair in a mess spread out all over her pillow. Matt could see from the doorway that there were dried tear tracks running all the way down her face, and it was like a stab in the chest for him. He had had no idea that she would have cried herself to sleep, he never would have never let it get that far.
Slowly he made his way over towards her. Kneeling down beside the bed, he brushed the strands of hair out of her face, only to find their latest photo of Smudge held tightly in her hand. Resting back on his heels, Matt carefully pried the image out of her grasp, hoping that she wouldn't be startled awake.
Matt was shocked into a sudden realisation as he added the ultrasound to the pile of photos that he had in his hand. The image that was on the top of his pile was a photo of himself, Kelly and Andy Darden… He wondered how Heather and the boys were going, no one had heard from them recently. Matt was sure that Griffin and Ben would have grown up quite a lot since he had last seen them, and it occurred to him that this was likely to be Gabby's worst nightmare - their child losing their father. He had never meant for her to even think that.
Taking a deep breath, Matt got to his feet and bent over to brush a kiss onto her forehead. "I'm so sorry baby, I never meant to scare you or Smudge," he whispered, leaving a warm hand over her belly.
Making his way back to the office, Matt walked as if he was a man on a mission. Matt was realistic enough to know that nothing was certain in life, and he certainly didn't go to work thinking that something tragic was going to happen and he certainly wasn't going to say anything to Gabby about this… Well not just yet, but he knew he needed to do something for Smudge, just in case. He wasn't saying that he didn't plan on being around for a long time to come, but this would be a nice 21st present for Smudge if he got started on it now.
Dear Smudge, he wrote,
I don't even know where to begin. You've still got a lot of growing to do before Momma and I get to met you, we don't ever know if you're a boy or girl yet. You can't tell Momma but I'm imagining that you might be a girl. A strong willed little girl just like her Momma. But it doesn't matter, I just can't wait to meet you. Chief, who is Momma and Daddy's boss, previously has made us write letters to those we love just in case something happens. And today Daddy did something really silly. He scared Momma, she thought that I wasn't thinking about you and her, but Smudge you both are never far from my mind.
You're still really small, the size of an apple. It's hard to even imagine that you are even that small. We've only just told your families about you and everyone is so excited to meet you… all of your families. Smudge you are going to be loved, because you're special and lucky to have three families.
There's Momma's family with your beautiful grandparents who cannot wait to meet you. I'm sure grandma has already started to buy every little thing she sees for you. And Uncle Antonio, you have already made your big scary detective uncle happy, just because he wants to meet and cuddle you so badly. Momma will tease him about being okay at his job as an Uncle, but I know that he is going to protect you no matter what. And do you know why? Because I see him protecting Momma all the time. Uncle 'Tonio is there for her every day, no matter what. They share everything - it's a very special relationship, one that I'm very glad that you'll witness and share in.
And even though we might not be as close to my family, and Daddy hasn't gotten a chance to tell them about you yet, but remember that Auntie Christie and Violet will be excited to get to know you. I know that Violet will be always asking about you and when you're going to arrive and when can she look after you? She is going to be an awesome big cousin to you. Smudge, it's because of you that Daddy and Auntie Christie are working on our relationship. I want you to know Daddy's family and Auntie Christie and Violet are going to give you so much love. And I'm extremely excited to tell them all about you soon.
Then as an extra special bonus, you have another family too - Momma and Daddy's fire family. They are a very unique family - made up of lots of different people. But they are people who are going to be there for you no matter what. The firehouse will become your second home, just as it is for us. This is our second family, including everyone from Uncle Kelly to Chief to whichever candidate is working for Daddy at the time. Uncle Kelly is Daddy's best friend, and you don't listen to him - Squad is not better than Truck. If you ever join CFD, you remember that you're a truck baby! Not that you have to join the fire department. But don't let Uncle 'Tonio tell you that police officers are better either. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
The firehouse is also where Momma and I met, formed a friendship and fell in love. You are so lucky that she is going to be your mother, you are already so cherished Smudge. Momma has already fallen in love with you. And I remember the first time I saw Momma holding a baby. We weren't in the best place together, and I'm sure you will hear many stories about that.
So let me be the first one to set the story straight. Momma was working under me on Truck at the time, and Daddy let the job get in the way of everything. I was too worried about how it was all going at work, that I didn't see what was happening with Momma. But that is all in the past. I just can't wait for the future with you in it. The beginning of the next chapter for our little Casey family. I can't promise you that I will always come home to you and Momma, but I can promise you that I will always try my hardest to get home to you both.
Anyway - I remember seeing Momma holding this baby, she was a little girl who had been left at 51 in the freezing cold. If I didn't already know it, it was clear right at that moment - Momma walking around with this precious bundle snuggled in her arms. I wanted our family so much - and now you're going to be here before we know it. Momma is going to be the best mother around - you are so lucky. She will do everything in her power to protect you.
We've only just told everyone about you and everyone is so thrilled for our family and can't wait for you to be here. I know you are going to be spoilt by them all. You are a much wanted and longed for baby in Momma and Daddy's life. You aren't even here yet and I can't imagine my life without you.
Love Daddy.
Matt sighed as he picked up the photo of their 51 family. It was a fairly recent photo; it would have only been taken a few months ago. Folding up the letter, he slipped the photo into the envelope with it. Writing the date on the envelope, he opened his bottom drawer and tucked it away.
He understood that Gabby was scared. To him, it seemed like the whole pregnancy she had been scared in one way or another. From being worried that she was going to miscarry again, to being worried that she wouldn't be able to keep going in her current job. And today he had done the one thing that he had sworn black and blue that he would never do; he had put himself at risk. When she served under him on Truck 81, Matt had gone to extraordinary lengths to make sure that he protected her. No matter how much he told himself and everyone else that he would treat her like any other candidate - he had always found himself in situations where he wanted to protect her, going to any extent to ensure this. And they had lost their way during that period of their relationship - he was so used to having her as someone to confide in for any situation that he had struggled the most with losing her in that sense - it had been harder to discipline her as a candidate no matter what he had originally told her.
And today - he had put himself into a situation where she may have lost him. And it wasn't intentional that he wanted to make her worry. Rather it was a coping strategy that he had had to develop over recent years; he needed to stay in his lieutenant role at all costs. He couldn't have asked any of his men or women to run into that burning building if he himself wasn't willing to it. As a good lieutenant, he would never that, if he wouldn't do it, then he shouldn't expect anyone else to do it either. And he had learnt that he needed to block out the knowledge that Gabby was outside waiting for him to come out. It wasn't fair to any of them… Did he want Gabby to be stuck in this position? One where there was nothing that she would do? Of course not. She herself had learnt to deal with having to wait helplessly outside, knowing that she couldn't do anything to help him… But now it was different for both of them.
For Matt, it was the knowledge that he needed to come home to both her and Smudge, that it wasn't just the pair of them anymore. He wanted to come home safe after every shift. And for Gabby - there was a fear that she could lose her husband - he could die. In the back of every firefighter's mind, in some deep dark corner, was the knowledge that it was a very real possibility that anyone of the firehouse members might not make it home after any given shift. Matt shook his head at that thought - and it was why he had done what he had today, why he made the decision that he did. He couldn't allow himself to think about Gabby or Smudge during any shift, especially during that house call. He couldn't let himself be anything except Lieutenant Casey. Because if he did, he would lose focus, meaning that anything could happen and he would never forgive himself if anything had happened to any one of his company because he was too worried about what could happen to himself, and how that would affect Gabby and Smudge. What their lives would be like if he wasn't around… He couldn't even begin to think about his life if he didn't have Gabby in it.
He just wouldn't take that risk. Matt just needed to re-learn how to walk the line between Lieutenant Casey and Gabby's husband slash Smudge's father. He didn't want to cause Gabby any more fear and anguish. There had been so much anxiety so far in her pregnancy and he just wanted everything to progress smoothly. He knew that this was going to be his new reality - juggling his company duties and being a father. He knew that sometime soon he would have to have a real conversation with Gabby about all of this. But right now he just wanted to avoid having pillows thrown at his head.
~ His brain now controls all the muscles in her body; he is able to move. Yes, he'll even do somersaults! ~
Do let me know what you think!