I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.
Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts and feelings. If you are going to be triggered by this in anyway please do not read, look after yourselves. If you do read though, please do so with caution.
A/N: Here is longer story, I think? It's set in season three, when they go to earth two and get stuck in Gorilla City. I love the Killervibe friendship and miss it, so please bear with me. Anyway, no proof-reading as occurred and if you like this first chapter, please let me know, reviews mean the world. Enjoy!
Caitlin had been going over what Cisco had said when they had all been locked up in Gorilla City. The words he had spoken went around her head like they were stuck on a loop., 'Grodd needs me to open a breach to attack earth one what if I wasn't alive to do that.' The words she had spoken to him continued to play in her mind, 'You plan on dying?' You want me to kill you?' He couldn't have meant it, she thought to herself. She kept telling herself that he had suggested it because he truly believed that this was the best option for them, that he couldn't see any other possibilities, any other way out. That he had only said it because he was thinking of the rest of them, Barry, Julian, Harry and herself. Not because he had actually wanted to, he didn't want to, did he? Part of Caitlin didn't want to face the possibility that her best friend in the whole entire universe, possibly wanted to die and that's why she had left it for a few days after they returned to earth one. That and she had needed some time herself to recover, to get past everything they had faced during their time on earth two and having it be suggested to her to kill her best friend and then to actually almost kill her other best friend. But after three days Caitlin couldn't ignore it anymore, she had been stealing subtle glances at Cisco throughout the day and she could see that he wasn't okay, he wasn't coping. They were small things, things you would not notice of you didn't know him, but she knew him, and she had known him for a long time. She was surprised that Barry hadn't said anything, but then again, he had been very busy lately and he couldn't notice everything. Cisco's eyes had dark rings under them, not his usual tired, I've been up all night, rings but deep set-in ones that suggested permanent exhaustion and depression. His hands also shook a little more than usual, he always shook a little, a problem that came along with having anxiety, but lately she had seen him put things down because he couldn't get his hands steady another to work on them. Another thing she had noticed was how forced his smile was, he grinned often but his smile never quite reached his eyes, never quite seemed honest, and now that she really thought about it, she couldn't remember the last time she had actually seen his smile properly. With this last thought she decided that it was time to check in with him properly, not one of those half-arsed well being checks where you both tell the other, you're alright, though it's a complete lie and you both know it. She got up from where she was sitting in the cortex and left the room going to find wherever he was residing in Starlabs.
Caitlin found the other scientist working in his lab. He was tinkering with some gadget, what it did, she did not know, but it was probably something brilliant. Everything Cisco did was brilliant, Caitlin smiled a little when she thought about this, she raised her hand to knock on the open door. Cisco looked up with a smile on his face, but not a genuine one Caitlin noted. "Hey, what are you working on?" she asked approaching him slowly and resting a hand on his shoulder. He seemed to melt into the contact, which made Caitlin smile again, she was glad she was able to bring him some sort of comfort.
"Oh, it's just something to make opening breaches a little more effective, I get headaches at the moment," he told her, his eyes not leaving the small gadget.
"Cool," Caitlin responded, "If your headaches get bad, come to me yeah? I'm sure we can find you something to ease the pain." He nodded gratefully and turned his head to give her a small smile, this one seemed a bit more genuine, even though it still didn't reach his eyes. "Cisco," Caitlin started speaking again, "I wanted to check in with you, you know, after everything that happened when we were on earth two…" she trailed off, hoping she would get an honest response. The man in front of her let out a gentle sigh,
"I'm fine Cait, honestly," he was looking at her, but he couldn't reach her eye, his eyes looked uncomfortable and slightly nervous as he stared at the wall behind her.
"Okay, but you know its alright not to be okay," she told him, "I wasn't okay when I had to almost kill Barry, I was worried I had killed him," she confessed, Cisco looked at her sympathetically but didn't say anything, so Caitlin continued, "and I wasn't alright when by best friend told me to kill him." Cisco flinched harshly. His eyes snapped back to his work, and he let out a little mumble that sounded like "sorry." Caitlin watched him for a moment before pulling up a chair and sitting down next to him. She watched him continue to work, allowing him a moment to get all his thoughts arranged in his mind, he hadn't kicked her out yet, so she took that as a positive sign. It was only five minutes later, when the doctor noticed, he had started shaking. She placed a hand on his back, and he flinched but didn't pull away, she let it rest there for a minutes before rubbing soothing circles on his back. "Cisco," she whispered gently. He looked up at her, he still didn't make eye contact, but she could tell he was on the verge of crying, "Cisco," she tried again.
"I'm sorry I asked you to kill me," he blurted out, ringing his wrists anxiously, "I didn't mean to make you sad or uncomfortable or whatever, I just thought it was our best bed you know," he shrugged a little. Caitlin's hand stilled on his back, and she caught Cisco's frown at the lack of comfort.
"I don't think you mean that," she spoke softly, her voice was calm and free of judgement, but also firm, letting Cisco know there wasn't a lot of room for argument.
"I DO mean it," he stressed, looking upset, "I am sorry I asked you to kill me, I really didn't mean to hurt you Cait," he finally met her eyes, begging her to believe him. She sighed and resumed rubbing circles on the man's back, this seemed to calm him.
"That's not what I meant hon," she told him carefully, "I know you didn't mean to upset me; I meant the believing it was the best option part." He looked uncomfortable, like he wanted to get up and leave the room, but instead he leaned more into Caitlin's touch, trying to get all the comfort he could. The doctor thought for a moment, Cisco had always responded well to physical contact, he always instigated quick hugs and high fives when they were working together and when they hung out together watching movies, they would always sit close enough to each other that their legs were touching. Deciding to run with this, she grabbed Cisco's hand and gently tugged him to his feet, leading him to a small couch, he sometimes crashed on when he spent long nights in his lab. She gently pushed him down on the couch and sat down next to him wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Instantly he cuddled into her side resting his head on her chest. She held onto him firmer and rested her chin on top of his head, "talk to me Cisco," she pleaded gently. At the sound of her voice, he began shaking again and suddenly his face crumpled and he was sobbing.