I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.
Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts, feelings and intentions. If you are going to be triggered by this in anyway, please do not read, look after yourselves. If you do read though, please do so with caution.
A/N: Here is the second chapter for you guys. This is a flashback chapter; it reflects Cisco's feeling leading up to and during the Gorilla City fiasco. I take mental health very seriously and anything negative that comes across is what Cisco is feeling about himself it does not in anyway reflect my beliefs. I apologise for any mistakes and please enjoy this second chapter!
The feeling had crept up on him out of nowhere. He was used to feelings of anxiety and depression; he was good at handling those. He took his medication and used the techniques he had been taught in therapy all those years ago. But this was a different feeling, it was powerful, and it overtook him like a wave. He felt like he was sinking, drowning while everyone else around him was safe on land. He felt like he was dying, and the pain was unimaginable. The only way he felt like he could escape this feeling was through death. At first, he thought about talking to somebody, a new therapist maybe, but he was stubborn. He had so much work to do, and he had therapy in the past, so he somehow convinced himself that he was alright, that he was handling things and that he didn't need any help. Another person he had thought of going to for help was Barry, his friend was always kind and open, but again he was stubborn and didn't want to bother the superhero, also he couldn't help but feel guilty, his problems looked like nothing compared to Barry who faced the possibility of losing the love of his life. So once again Cisco decided he wouldn't say anything. The final person he thought of telling was his best friend, she promised she would always be there for him, and he believed her. She was kind and caring and he trusted her with his life, one afternoon he went to approach her, a sudden and unexpected feeling of confidence overtaking him, but when he got there it all evaporated. She was studying a blood sample of Barry's and the look of focus on her face made him not want to disturb her, he began to back away when she looked up,
"Hey Cisco, what's up?" she questioned looking at him thoughtfully,
"Um, can I borrow a pen?" he asked his voice sounded awkward and Caitlin gave him an odd look but nodded and indicated to the pencil holder on her desk containing serval pens. "Thanks," he muttered picking one up, he began to leave the room when she called after him,
"Cisco, are you alright?" she asked, her voice came out so gently and caring, he almost broke down crying there and then, but he composed himself and nodded,
"Yeah of course, are you alright?" he questioned back,
"I'm alright," she confirmed. They both could tell the other was lying but they didn't say anything more. As Cisco left her lab, he became angry with himself for bothering her, she had so much to worry about, including becoming Killer Frost which he knew terrified her. It made sense she wasn't alright; his problems were nothing compared to everyone else's in team flash. He was being pathetic, he told himself as he headed back to work. He decided then, that even though she was his best friend, he wouldn't tell her anything, he was okay. He could handle this by himself.
As the day's past, Cisco felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into his internal pit. Self-hatred dominated him and he stopped taking his pills. What was the point anyway? He told himself when he looked at them one morning and decided not to take them. He was feeling like shit anyway, how much worse could he feel if he didn't take them. It happened gradually as the effects of his medication began to where off, but his anxiety became higher with each passing day, and the darkness that had been surrounding him had swallowed him. Every step he took, everything breathe he took, felt slow and harsh. "Just die, it will make the pain stop," his brain told him. The noise in his mind was loud and chaotic and it took effort to think about anything else but his pain. He had to think over his thoughts, talk over his thoughts and it was incredibly difficult. "No one will care if you die, if anything the team will be better off without you," his mind spoke to him. He continued to work, focusing on changing the timeline, if he could help save Iris his life might be worth something, he might be worth something. When Barry asked him to go to earth two with him to save Harry, he was hesitant at first but ultimately agreed, if he could save Harry, he might feel better about himself. He was glad when Caitlin and Julian came along though, because he was worried about letting the team down if it was just him and Barry. With the four of them, he wouldn't look like such a liability. He walked behind Barry and in front of Cait and Julian who he could hear having a conversation behind him. He spoke to no one doing his best to focus on the mission, his thoughts were extremely loud that day and it was all he could do to focus on the task at hand, he couldn't handle trying to appear happy to his friends as well.
When it became clear that Grodd didn't intend to let them go, a small feeling of hope filled him. If Grodd needed him, the best way to prevent him from attacking earth one was for him to die. If he died, he would help the others, go out a hero, he would have been helpful, his life would have been worth something. He should have guessed that Caitlin would instantly shut his idea down. She cared about him too much, she wasn't thinking clearly. Or maybe it was him who wasn't thinking clearly, that thought left him as soon as it arrived. No, it made sense, he needed to die to help save earth one and his friends. Caitlin refused even more when she found out that he wanted her to kill her, she said they would come up with an idea without murdering their friends. He rolled his eyes exasperated. Didn't she understand that he needed to die. Then Barry agreed with him, another feeling of hope and overwhelming peace took over him for a second, he was going to die. But then Barry explained the plan and all hope and peace faded from his body, of course he wasn't going to get to die.
When they returned to earth one, Cisco headed straight home. He didn't shower or eat, he instantly collapsed on his bed. His mind briefly flicked to the untaken pills sitting in his kitchen. He could do it; he could do it right now. He was a scientist he knew how much he would need to take to kill him, his friends would find his body in a few days when they eventually realised, he was gone and by then he would be long gone. The idea brought back the same feeling on peace that he had felt when he thought Barry was going to let him die, but this time it also came with a feeling of anxiety. His mind flashed the image of Caitlin's face when he had said he should die, it filled him with hurt for his friend and ultimately decided against it for tonight. The pills would still be there in the morning and right now he was too exhausted to move to get them. He pushed his face into his pillow and quickly succumbed to sleep.