I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.
Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts and feelings as well as anxiety and panic attacks. If you are going to be triggered by this in anyway, please do not read, look after yourselves. If you do read though, please do so with caution.
A/N: Here is chapter three. We are back in the present with Caitlin and Cisco. If you are enjoying this story, please let me know, reviews are amazing! It hasn't been proof-read again, my bad, so I am sorry for any mistakes and please enjoy this chapter!
"Oh honey," Cait breathed out, the sobs racked Cisco's body as he curled up tightly into himself, leaning into the doctor's side the whole time. Caitlin shirt was being soaked by his tears, but she couldn't find it in herself to care, a heart broke for the man who was crying so harshly his body was violently shaking.
"I'm s-so s-s-sorry Cait," Cisco stuttered out, his voice was cracked and broken, and Caitlin couldn't help a single tear escaping her.
"For what Cisco?" she murmured gently, he just shrugged it couldn't quite work out what he was sorry for, all he knew is that he felt guilty. He told himself he wasn't going to bother anyone was his feelings, his problems and now he was breaking that. When she didn't get a response Caitlin wrapped her other arm around the scientist pulling him into a hug, he was so close to her he was basically on her lap. When he didn't pull away, she knew she had done the right thing, and this filled her with some confidence, "Do you want to die Cisco?" she asked, she kept her voice as steady and neutral as possible, allowing him the space to be honest with her. Cisco froze for a moment and then a small, almost unnoticed nod came from him against her chest. "Cisco?" she urged him on, trying to get him to confirm his answer with words,
"Yes," it was quiet, meek, if Caitlin wasn't so close, she wouldn't have heard him. He had stopped crying and was still in her arms. It concerned her, she could tell he was panicking about what he just confessed her, she was quick to try and reassure him,
"Hey," she reached for his chin and tilted his head up so he could see her face, "I'm not mad or angry in anyway. I'm not even disappointed, I am so proud of you for telling me, I know what an incredible amount of courage it takes to be honest about something like this. Have you told anyone else?" She asked, trying to get an idea if he was receiving any sort of help, when he shook his head Caitlin didn't try to get him to answer with words again, she accepted his answer, though it worried her even more, "Honey, it's very important that you answer me honestly," Caitlin started, her voice was serious and it made Cisco feel anxious, there were butterflies in his stomach as he looked at her, waiting for her to continue speaking, "Have you done anything to try and end your life?" she asked. He knew he hadn't but almost head, he didn't know if he should tell her though. He looked into her eyes, and he could see the concern and fear that was there, even though her face was neutral. He shook his head as an answer, even though he knew she wouldn't be satisfied by this. "Words please Cisco," she told him with a raised eyebrow,
"No," Caitlin let out an internal sigh of relief, "But, I almost did…" he trailed off, trying to gage his friend's reaction, to see if it was safe to continue. He wanted to get it off his chest, his mind was reeling, and he needed to share the burden he was carrying. Caitlin's feelings of panic returned when she heard what Cisco said but she was careful to not let her face change. That was until Cisco looked at her, fear and pain written across his face, she could tell he was checking if it was safe to keep talking. Her heart broke for him again, he was in so much pain, but he was still worried about sharing his feelings with other people, she changed her face to be warm and comforting, hoping it would make him feel more comfortable to continue,
"Yeah," she responded to him, "Did you want to tell me about it?" she left the question opening letting know that he had the choice but that she was willing to listen if he wanted to tell her.
"When we got back from earth two, that night I considered taking all my pills, I know it would be enough to kill me and I really wanted to do it." He told her, he had turned his head back into her chest, letting the sound of her heartbeat calm him. Caitlin had questions, but right now she could tell he was running out of energy to talk about this. He needed to go home and have a proper meal and get some rest, though right now she was not comfortable having him be alone, as his doctor she knew he was a suicide risk and should be on watch and as his friends she didn't want him to do anything he couldn't take back.
"Come on, we are going home," she told him, pushing away from him gently, she noticed his face cringing at the lack of contact and as soon as she stood up she took his hand again, "You're going to come stay with me for a little while, we can pop by your place first and grab some of your things that you need okay," she said, pulling him out of his lab.
"I'll be fine on my own," the scientist told her, worried with burdening her even more than he already had.
"I know," she told him gently, "but I want you to come stay with me," she said her tone leaving no room for argument. Cisco nodded and continued to follow her out of the building. They were heading through the cortex so Caitlin could grab her coat when they were stopped by Barry,
"Hey, could you guys look into these people for me?" he asked, not looking up from the files he was speed reading.
"Yea…" Cisco began,
"Maybe later Barr, we are heading home for some sleep for a while," Caitlin told him. Barry then looked up and saw Cisco's tear-stained face and how he was clinging to Cait's hand.
"Of course, you guys deserve some rest, I'll see you later," he said, giving Caitlin a look that said, 'make sure he's okay' and she responded with a small nod before he sped out of the room.
"Come on then," Caitlin said, briefly releasing Cisco's hand so she could shrug on her coat. "Let's go home." They both climbed into Caitlin's car, Cisco had breached to work, and headed to Cisco's apartment. When they arrived, Cisco let them in and he got to work grabbing a few changes of clothes and an overnight bag, with toothpaste and things. He also subtly packed a teddy that had been a great comfort to him during this time. When he emerged from his bedroom, he saw the doctor looking at something on his counter, as he got closer, he could see she was looking at his untaken pills. Consider she had started prescribing him these a few months ago, she knew that he hadn't been taking them. He immediately felt a feeling of panic overtaking him. He dropped his bag and his knees felt week, he gripped onto the table next to him to keep himself upright, before letting a small whimper slip out. At the sounds coming from behind her Caitlin whipped her head around to see Cisco pale and holding onto the table for dear life, he looked like he was going to pass out any second and he was staring at the pills that had been left untaken on the counter. Realising why Cisco suddenly looked like he did, Caitlin rushed over to his side, lowering him onto one of the chairs that was nearby, "I need you to take some deep breathes for me hon," she told him kindly but firmly. She took some over-exaggerated breathes for him to copy and he eventually began to regain the colour in his cheeks. "I'm not mad about you not taking you meds okay, I would like to understand but we don't have to discuss this now, I think its best just to head back to my place and have a good night's rest," she told him. He looked hesitant for a moment before he spoke quietly,
"You're not mad?"
"I'm not mad," she confirmed with a little nod,
"Okay," Cisco stood up shakily and Caitlin held out her hand, which is took quickly clutching it tightly in his own, the doctor then reached down and picked up the overnight bag that Cisco had dropped on the floor. They headed out of the apartment and as they did Caitlin grabbed and pocketed the pills that were still sitting on the counter. Cisco saw but didn't say anything, understanding Cait properly had a good reason for taking the pills with her. Cisco locked up his apartment door behind them and the two headed out of the building and back into Caitlin's car, ready to go to her place for the night.