Happy 2017 everyone...
Thanks as always to Rebecca for editing this for me especially at this busy time of the year.
Just before we begin I thought I'd let everyone know that I'm changing my update day to Saturdays. Fridays just weren't as convenient to me. So look for my weekly updates on Saturdays for 2017.
Week Twenty Five
~ Candidate is the size of an acorn squash ~
Gabby kept tossing and turning. Smudge was so active tonight and she just wasn't able to get comfortable at all. It had only been maybe four nights in the three weeks since she had left Ambo and started at the Academy that Matt had been on shift but she was struggling to fall asleep alone in their big bed. Since they had gotten back together the last time and they had moved back into their last apartment she didn't think they had ever spent a night apart. And over the two weeks that she had been at the Academy she had been so tired coming home after work that she hadn't had any trouble falling asleep and then with Christmas coming up last week she had been busy with her family and shopping with her mother that she had been worried about not being organised enough for Christmas, especially since it was the first Christmas that Miguel and Adriana had been in Chicago for quite a few years. So all in all sleep had come easily. Even if the bed had been strangely empty.
Turning onto her other side one more time, Gabby rubbed a spot on her lower back She couldn't remember what it was like to not be pregnant at this point! She couldn't quite believe that she was only six months pregnant, it felt like so much longer right now. Gabby knew it was worth every moment however there were plenty of aches and pains to accompany her nearly every waking moment as her body stretched to accommodate Smudge growing and it felt like her bump was getting bigger every day. She dreaded getting up in the morning, fearful of one morning not being able to fit into anything. However, she knew there was very little chance of that happening with the amount of clothes that she and Adriana had bought. Not to mention that Natalie had sent Will into Molly's with a bag of basics for her last week when she was doing a shift at the bar.
Either way she was not going to be getting any sleep anytime soon. Better to just get up and do something productive rather than just tossing and turning and getting herself worked up. Sliding out of bed, she pulled her dressing gown over the top of her pyjamas. Although she did feel like she was lugging around a heater at the moment it was still quite cool in the house, that was the problem with floorboards. Matt had turned the heat on when he had woken up before he had left for work and she had turned it down. There had been a few arguments over the thermostat temperature - he was turning it up and she was turning it down. She had been loving the days that Matt was working at one of his many jobs so she could turn the temp down. Matt had thought she had lost her mind last week when he came home from work and she had the windows in the bedroom open. It had been four below! It was not like she wasn't under a bed sheet, but she had needed some sort of cool air within the room too.
Grabbing Matt's pillow from the bed and a throw blanket that was laid across the back of their bedroom couch. Settling herself down into the corner of the chair, she reached out for her work bag that had been dumped by her seat. She had had a quiet-ish type of day at the Academy; in the lead up to and around the new year the candidates hadn't been around. The staff were still sorting out certain classes, Gabby had never known the Academy class to start so late in the year. She had commented to many at 51 that she still wasn't sure why they even had bothered starting two weeks ago, all up she believed that she had seen her students for about 7-8 days, if that. It would have just been a smarter idea all around for them to have started in the new year. The mind boggled for Gabby sometimes.
Leaning down, Gabby found it difficult to figure out how to bend at her waist, as her mother had commented yesterday Gabby was carrying Smudge low. Adriana had her ideas of what they were having based on that fact alone! Shuffling around on the couch so her feet were up she was able to rummage through her bag. Figuring that she wasn't going to be able to sleep for a while, she thought she'd do some reading of course material. That should put her in the mood for sleep. Fishing out her file and a pen, she scooted back up the chair and shoved a pillow under her back in the hopes of trying to get a bit more comfortable. She also managed to find some rice crackers in a small pocket of her bag. Over the last week, Gabby was finding herself snacking all through the day now. She had taken to packing into her bags, whether it be her work bag or even handbag, packets of dried fruits, salted mixed nuts and rice crackers.
Opening up her file, a small leather notebook fell out beside her. Turning it over in her hand, she ran a finger over the embossed Chicago Fire Department logo on the front. Flicking through it, she found it to have nice thick paper with lined pages. They had been given out at the Academy last week and Gabby had a few boxes of them sitting in her office currently. She had without really thinking about it thrown one into her bag the other day.
When she had first seen them she had thought it would make a good notebook for her class notes. Gabby had found herself slightly overwhelmed at the amount of lectures that she needed to present for her students on such a regular basis. By her last class during this week she had begun to feel them, her students, starting to slip away from her. Never once from the moment that she had decided to take up the instructor's job had she thought that this would end up being her permanent job. She loved being out on the road too much, nor had she thought that this was ever going to be an easy job. There had been many changes to the training that was delivered from time she had completed her original training. There was a shifting culture at the Fire Academy, one that Gabby was enjoying seeing. And then over the few short years since she had been a fire candidate things had also changed. The EMT candidates didn't seem to do as much physical training as the Fire ones, and after this freezing week Gabby was grateful for it. She still could remember Severide standing underneath the aerial, looking all important in his puffer jacket, shouting out orders. Her classes on the other hand tended to happen indoors in a lecture theatre. Luckily for her she hadn't been subjected to the snow and cold windy weather that Chicago was currently producing. Gabby was finding it so much more of a struggle to be on her feet for any period of time. She had taken to walking around the class and was even teaching from the back of the room at certain points during the day. Matt was supposed to bring in a bar type stool for her when the break was over. It was one that was high enough that she was still able to see right to the back of the class and it gave her a way to rest her feet up slightly, anything that was going to provide her with some relief was welcomed.
She had mentioned this in passing to Natalie just before Christmas. Gabby had complained that she felt like she was always ready to fall flat on her face, every time her bump grew that little bit more she felt her centre of gravity shift. And it was horrible to have to learn to readjust so often. Apparently that was what was causing her discomfort according to Natalie. She had explained that because Gabby's centre of gravity was shifting it was likely causing her to stand awkwardly to accommodate her growing uterus and that was putting pressing on the ligaments. All of which was not helped by the pregnancy hormones that were relaxing her joints ready for birth were also loosening the ligaments in her feet and hips. Gabby had scoffed at all of this and immediately taken a seat next to Natalie at the bar. Only yesterday had Gabby started to pack up her high-heeled shoes, knowing her luck she would be completely unsteady on her feet and stack it. Gabby's next mission was to find a pair of plain black sports shoes that she might be able to get past the Chief to be able to wear at work. The one thing that CFD wasn't good at were pregnant women.
On that whole idea she needed to remember to organise for either one of the Ambulance Commanders or PICs to come to do some training with her candidates. She learnt the other day that she wasn't able to easily get down to the ground where they completed much of their practical work. They did CPR training on the tables one day. Maybe she would be able to get Roger Sullivan in, he was a PIC and had taken over her spot at 51. She did know him from a previous house and according to Matt he was fitting into the house really well. Although from Brett, she would have been happier to have another female but overall it was working out quite well for them on Ambulance 61.
Tapping slightly on the cover a grin slowly spread across her face as an idea formed in her mind. Whilst she had never wanted her and Matt's relationship to be defined by the Fire Department it was undeniably a massive part of their lives - it's who they both worked for and where they had met, it was the place that seen the some of their highest highs and lowest lows. It was forever going to be part of them.
Fishing around for a pen she pulled out her favourite pen - the one she had stolen from Matt. Where he had even found it was still a mystery to her, it wasn't a regular ballpoint BIC that the department supplied. In any case he wasn't getting it back now. Feeling how thick a single page was she knew that it was going to soak up the ink well. Flipping past the first few pages, knowing that she wanted to add something else to the front of the book, she smoothed out a page and started to write.
Dear Smudge,
I know Mamá's a little late in coming to the party. Daddy started on his letters weeks ago, there's already two that I know of, but he didn't tell me about them until I found his first one. It's not going to be long before we meet you. It's hard to believe that next week is the start of my third trimester. It's the home stretch now Smudge.
Over the last 25 weeks Mamá and Daddy have been through lots of changes. You've even travelled with me and done a shift on Truck, although Mamá didn't know about you back then - Daddy wouldn't have let me go running into a burning building if we had known about you then. You've been on lots of Ambo runs and now you're coming to the Fire Academy with me. Never has a baby known so much about the Chicago Fire Department before they were born. But you got a taste of what Mamá and Daddy go through every shift - firefighting runs in your blood bebé - but whatever you decide to do this okay too. You don't let Daddy, Tio Antonio or Uncle Kelly tell you you have to become a first responder.
And even though it's taken Mamá 25 weeks to actually put pen to paper to write to you, I'm sure that there are going to many more letters to come. But you're going to be a bit bigger when we actually give you this book. I still want to write about how Daddy and I met, about your family here, both the Caseys and Dawsons, and about our firehouse family - all the people that already love you. I want to tell you about my childhood and about our Dominican culture. I want to write about how you became a reality and what we went through before you arrived. Daddy and I haven't always had an easy road, but that's okay too. It will come as no surprise to anyone that the logo on the front is important to our family. I wonder if Daddy wrote in his letter why we call you Smudge?
Smudge - I can't stop thinking about what's it's going to be like to finally hold you in my arms. It feels like I've waited a lifetime for you to come home to us. And it makes me think about what type of mother I'm going to be. And whilst I know that I'll never live up to the picture in that perfect mother in my head, I want to be the best mother I can be to you. Just like your abula was to me. Your abula is an amazing woman Smudge.
I promise to begin and end your days with the reminder that I adore you. At night, you'll hear "I love you" loud and clear, and I promise to wake you up each morning with a soft voice and an open smile, just the way my mamá did with me. That might seem like a small thing, but trust me: it makes for a pleasant start to the day, and when you're a teenager, you'll be really, really grateful that I'm not shoving the curtains open and yelling for you to get up.
When you try new things, I promise not to show you that I'm a tiny bit (or, more likely, very) scared. Deep down I might be worried or anxious or slightly terrified of what might happen if it doesn't work out for you, but I won't let my fears slow you down. I'll tell you to take chances, to go for it, to trust yourself. I promise to trust you. Just like Daddy did with me, you'll hear many stories of how Mamá worked under Daddy at the Firehouse. Your Daddy is the best lieutenant ever and he taught me well - even if he was scared to let me become a firefighter he still supported me. And we will support you in the same way.
If you mess up in a small way, I promise to acknowledge it, help you, then let it go. And whenever you mess up in a big way, I promise to feel the weight of it and push you to do the same. I promise to let you make those tough mistakes, to address them when I need to, and to keep on loving you all the same. Daddy and I have learnt how important it is to communicate. This is one of the most important lessons that I want to teach you.
But there are so many more things that I want to teach you too. Much too many to write about in this letter. But I sit here tonight and wonder what you're going to be like? Who are you going to look like? And are you going to be more like Mamá? Or Daddy? We don't even know if you're a boy or girl yet. Yes, a very uncommon decision for today's standards - but Mamá just didn't need to know. We're going to love you whether you're a boy or girl. And I think not knowing if going to be a huge motivator for Mamá when you're ready to arrive. There something that Mamá is hoping for, and that's that you are a real mix of both of your parents.
Smudge you are a much loved and longed for baby. You'll hear over your life that you weren't Mama and Daddy's first baby. Our first baby… We never heard a heartbeat. Life circumstances have deemed that to be so, it just wasn't meant to be. But like Mr Herrmann said 'our day is coming'. And then we fostered our little boy Louie - but life had other plans for us. But you my sweet, sweet bebé… You are coming into a family with much love to give.
To my bebé, I promise to love you, to do my best for you, and to always be here for you. I hope your heart and soul is always filled with love, and I believe it will be – for it is with love that you have already filled mine.
Lots of love,
Mamá xx
Clicking her pen off, Gabby managed to capture the tear that was threatening to fall before it would be able to smudge the paper. Laughing slightly at the thought, Gabby decided that she needed to see Matt. It was pushing 10 pm at night and she just wasn't going to be able to sleep, not without seeing Matt. For a fleeting moment she thought about texting or phoning him first, but then never gave it another thought. Pushing herself off the couch she returned the items to her bag and went in search of some warm clothes.
Knowing that she needed to head out in the snow and she was likely going to be lazing around the house with the company she was going to go with wearing something comfortable. Dipping into Matt's wardrobe she was left with her black yoga pants, a long sleeve shirt that covered her bump well and then CFD jumper from Matt's side. Sometimes she was surprised that Matt's clothes were still fitting her comfortably and well over her torso.
With one last rub of Smudge, she picked up her work bag and headed out to the car with one last stop to pick up her large overcoat, a trench coat with waist cinch that her parents had bought for her as a Christmas present. It had been a favourite of hers. The coat was a beautiful deep navy blue colour that she was confident that she would be able to wear post-pregnancy too.
Wow it was cold outside Gabby thought to herself as she hurried as fast as could towards the car. Throwing her bag across to the passenger's side of the car, she slid into the driver's side quickly. Grumbling slightly she buckled up; one thing she didn't miss about working on Ambo was all the time she would have had to spend buckled into a seat. She was finally pregnant to the point where wearing a seatbelt was cumbersome, she now had to position the lower part of the belt below her bump and have it flat against her hips. Still she spent the whole journey to the firehouse pulling and adjusting the belt. It wasn't as bad during the day when she wasn't wearing three layers.
As it was so cold, she was fairly overjoyed to find a parking spot right outside the house. Moving towards the side entrance she noticed that the apparatus floor was empty. She pondered for a few moments for how long the rigs had been out for and how long they might be. There was no way of knowing either, there were no office staff at this time of night and there would be no point ringing Matt - he wouldn't pick up if he was out on a job. Rather she wandered through the common room and picked up a cup and made herself a hot chocolate before making her way into Matt's office. Discarding her thick coat, she placed everything she was carrying down. Stretching out the kinks in her back, she sat down at Matt's desk. Gabby couldn't believe that she was still awake at 10 pm.
Pulling out her work file with the course work she looked over what she was needing to do and how she was planning to teach it. That lasted about 10 minutes. Once she had finished her hot drink she decided that moving onto Matt's bunk was a better idea. That chair was uncomfortable. Leaning down to the small cubbyhole next to Matt's bed she pulled out a pillow. It was at this time that Gabby wished that she maybe had brought her own pillow. But who would have expected that she would arrive to an empty house? Spying Matt's puffer jacket on the floor next to the bed, she decided that could be used too. Sighing contentedly, Gabby managed to get her knees bent and a pillow under them with another pillow and the jacket behind her back.
Tapping her pen against the course material Gabby pondered what she needed to start the new year with. The higher ups at the academy were okay with the way that Gabby wanted to teach the course, they only had a few specific requests that certain topics were covered by a certain date. However she did need to sort out when she would be covering topics to at least let the other instructors know and have an outline for whoever it may be that would be taking over from her. There were at least 14 topics that needed covering and she was struggling to decide between the more practical classes and theory components. They had briefly touched on the EMS systems during their first classes but Gabby was sure that they would have to revisit that again in the future. She also wanted to get the legal and ethical issues of EMS out of the way but it seemed somewhat ridiculous to do that straight after the Christmas break. Tapping her pen, she was starting to get frustrated, this would have been easier if the Academy just provided her with the course structure. Moving of patients would be a good practical class to do, but she wasn't too sure how she was going to teach that class solo. She also jotted down that she was going to need to organise clinical hours for the students too. Argh, now she was getting even more aggravated, no way she was going to sleep anytime soon.
With that thought Smudge managed to lodge his head up against her rib cage, it had shocked her the first time it happened. Trying to take a deep breath was very hard and Gabby's hands moved down under her file to her belly. She pushed her head back against the pillow in an attempt to lengthen her spine and hopefully dislodge Smudge from against her ribs, but it did very little to ease the pain and Gabby found herself needing to get up. As she threw her reading material to the end of the bunk and rose, Smudge gave her a swift kick in the bladder. Well there was no point fighting it she supposed.
Upon her return she decided that she could be in for a long wait to see Matt, but she didn't want to head home without seeing him either. There was something that was familiar and comforting in this office. To top it off she was finding herself more comfortable here rather than at home tossing in the bed. Gabby gathered up the last of her work and placed it in a pile on Matt's desk, she just couldn't manage to grab her bag off the floor, she was much too tired for that now. Once lying on the bed Gabby did manage to get a pillow wedged between her legs and she scrunched Matt's jacket up into a ball to hug. She had just settled in when she realised that she was facing the windows that looked out into the bunk room and the lights were flooding in. Yet there was no way she was going to even try and turn over now, this was the most comfortable she had been all night. The familiar scent of Matt's office both of an almost smoky scent and the man himself was lulling her off to sleep. As she rested a hand protectively cradling her belly her last conscious thought was 'Why is this place any different to home? Both smell like Matt!'
It was not long after this that the garage doors rumbled to life. Each of the occupants of the Truck were silent, it had been a long call out to a fully involved high rise building fire. They had been out since 4:30 and everyone was tired and hungry. Casey was staring out of the window at the dimly lit street as Otis started to back the rig into the bay. That car near the entrance looked strangely familiar. He stared for a while longer before running a hand over his weary face.
"I'm going to throw together some sandwiches or something," yawned Jimmy as he hung his turncoat up. Casey watched as everyone made their way towards the break room.
"You coming Casey?" questioned Herrmann as he reached the door.
"Go on," Casey waved them by. "I'm going to get started on this report and then hit the sack."
"More for me then," Severide commented as he passed them. Casey was just too tired to even grace him with an answer or any type of gesture.
Instead of following Casey shrugged out of his turnout gear and slipped his socked feet back into his station boots. Slowly he dragged his weary body towards his office, however the light shining out from beneath his closed office door made him stop in his tracks. They had left whilst the sun was still up and he nearly always had his door open. Carefully he opened the door to poke his head in. What he saw took his breath away. He stood for a moment taking in Gabby's sleeping form. She had fallen asleep on top of the blankets with her hair splayed across his pillow and hand cradling Smudge protectively. Quickly and quietly he drew the remaining open blinds in his office and changed the main overhead light to the small beside the bed one. He leant down to press a kiss onto her forehead, but quickly withdrew his hand from her cold arms. Casey couldn't believe that she had managed to fall asleep in such cold weather. Shaking his head, he headed out in search for another blanket and pillow, there was no way he was going to be able to get the blanket out from underneath her.
"Hey Sev..." Casey tapped on Severide's office door where he was shovelling down a sandwich whilst reading some papers. Severide looked up with a questioning look on his face. "Do you have a spare pillow and blankets?"
"Casey, I know it's cold man, but how many pillows do you need? Don't you have Dawson's old one too?" a half smirk appeared on his face.
"Gabby's here. She's asleep in my office," confessed Casey.
"Dawson's here?"
"Quiet down," Casey ordered his eyebrows raising. "You'll wake her up! Or you'll let the rest of the house know…"
"Why?" Severide questioned in typical fashion with very few words.
Casey simply shrugged fishing his phone out of his pocket. "Nothing," he commented scrolling through his text messages finding nothing from Gabby explaining why she might be in his office.
"I'll just get…" Severide motioned before starting to getting up to find the extra blankets and pillow.
Somehow Casey managed to get back into his office without running into anyone else. Severide had managed to find a few extra blankets, how he even knew where to find them shocked Casey. He would have normally had to ask Connie or someone to find this stuff, they just weren't items that he knew where to find.
Once he had draped the blankets over Gabby, tucked her in and after one last rub of Smudge Casey settled himself down at his head flicking on his desk light in preparation for report writing. But it just never came to him, he just wasn't able to work out why Gabby was here and why she hadn't called him first. She hadn't mentioned wanting to come for a visit, she still saw all of the house at Molly's. It just didn't make sense why she would turn up unannounced, especially in this icy weather. Casey didn't like her driving in this weather, they had received too many road accident calls during this weather. As time went on he heard each of his men turn in for the night. The alarm blared for a call for Ambo and he shot up ramrod straight fearing that Gabby would be woken, but nothing. She slept straight through it. Just another indication to him that she was exhausted.
Giving a slight chuckle to himself, he pushed his report away from him and gathered up Gabby's work files intent on packing them up for her. He looked up from packing her bag as he heard something clatter to the floor. Crouching down he picked up the little brown leather book that had fallen. Looking from it to Gabby and then back again he pondered whether or not to open it. Realistically it was with all of Gabby's work gear, so it probably was just notes for her academy classes, she had mentioned that she wanted to have more clear outlines for her teaching.
Either way Casey decided to flick it open to see what was in there. A couple of years ago he might have been worried that this was an invasion of privacy, but now he thought nothing of it. Flicking through it a smile spread across his face as he found a letter from Gabby to Smudge. He had meant to ask Gabby about writing some more letters to Smudge, but obviously they had very similar thoughts about this subject. As he read the last few paragraphs of her letter, his mind started to wander. What type of parent was he going to be? Gabby seemed so confident in her letter… She knew what type of mother she was going to be, it just seemed that she had it all together. A flash of fear overtook him - what if he couldn't do it? What if he was a terrible father?
Casey gave a long heavy sigh as he walked out towards the common room, he just didn't have the heart to wake his wife up. In the time that he had come back to the house and discovered her in his office, she had cuddled deep into his bunk and was sleeping peacefully. And Casey had noticed on the few days that he had been working that Gabby was curling into his side when he was getting into bed the next morning after shift. Not to mention that it was quite obvious how tired she was and there was no way that he was going to be waking her up. However it did pose the question as to where he was going to sleep… Couple of months ago they might have been able to fit into his bunk together.
Pulling the coffee carafe out of it usual position, he leant back against the cool metal of the kitchen bench with the large steaming mug of coffee.
"Lieutenant?" came a gravelly voice from the couch. Casey looked over at the couch where Herrmann was sitting watching some late night television. He had forgotten that there would be someone on night watch. "Everything okay?"
Casey regarded the older man, his second in command, for a moment or two. "Yeah, everything's okay…" he tried to brush off. In return Herrmann glared for a second and flicked the TV off.
"Thought you were hitting the sack early?" he prodded as he reached for a coffee too. Matt refused to say too much rather he found himself sitting at the head of the table.
As he sat the quietness that surrounded him allowed him to think about what was running through his head. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Herrmann take a seat next to him and pick up the newspaper. Watching Gabby snooze in his bed had stirred up some unknown feelings in him. There had been no questions that his blood pressure and anxiety had lessened a fair amount since Gabby had taken a different, not on the road job. But seeing her with his CFD clothes on sleeping in the office made him wonder about everything that was coming in his way in the very near future. It was like all of a sudden he was going to be a father and he wasn't too sure if he was ready. Was he fooling himself? Was he going to be a good father? Let's be honest, unlike Gabby it wasn't like he had to best role models as parents. And how much of that stuff was genetic? Louie had come to them already able to talk and tell them what he did and didn't want. How was he going to cope with a baby whose only mechanism was crying or screaming?
"How do you do it?" Casey quietly asked, putting his cup down on the table.
"Do what?"
"Be a father…" Casey simply stated. Herrmann put his newspaper away and studied Casey. "Gabby's here, she's asleep on my bunk…"
"Dawson's here?" interrupted Herrmann, surprised evident in his voice. Never would he have thought that she would be here, not on such a cold night.
"Yeah, she must have come in when we were out on that call. All of her work stuff is here, so maybe she came in to do some paperwork - couldn't sleep or something. And I was watching her sleep whilst you guys were eating and it suddenly occurred to me, this is really happening. In a few months Smudge is going to be here… And then, I don't know… I didn't know how to breathe…" Casey trailed off looking into his cup.
Herrmann sighed, had it been anyone else that Casey was talking to in any other situation, they probably would have laughed - their truck lieutenant being surprised that his wife was having a baby in a few short months after being so excited about it. Casey had been thrilled about the new arrival however Herrmann had noticed a slight fear in Dawson early on, but never in Casey. His lieutenant was born to be a father, nothing could change that… But Herrmann could remember that terror he felt when Cindy was expecting their first. Nothing ever could prepare you for that - no matter how much you wanted a family, somewhere and at some point everything suddenly becomes real and you get scared.
"Let me give you some advice from someone who's been there Lieutenant…" Herrmann started. Casey looked him in straight in the eyes and nodded slightly. "You don't know everything; you aren't supposed to… And this anxiety you're feeling, it's normal," confirmed Herrmann.
"Gabby's got it all together. And all of this…" he gestured around himself. "How do I do it? How am I supposed to be a good father, husband, fireman, alderman, and still be a good lieutenant?" he questioned ticking off the positions on his fingers.
"You don't know Casey. But somewhere in that sleepless haze you'll find that it's all come together. Somewhere you'll find that you and Dawson get everything in a routine…"
"You mean Gabby will have it all together. I feel like I'm a ride that I can't get off…" mused Casey more to himself than anyone else.
Herrmann gave him a slightly screw up of his mouth whilst thinking what he needed to say. "Casey - Cindy always says to me I'm not the backup parent, I'm their father. And she's right. There isn't much she's wrong about though," he shrugged, thinking about what Cindy would say to the man in front of him. One whose eyes were downcast and shoulders slumped. "You're a full, equal partner in the whole situation. Never let the fact that other people aren't sure what to do with a man fool you into thinking that you're anything less than critical to every step of the process. You are going to love that kid of yours more than anyone else…"
"What if I screw up?"
Herrmann's eyes widen at that last comment. Something definitely had shaken Casey - may be the lateness and silence of the night was allowing all of his fears to surface.
"You're not going to break your kid. Kids are durable. Heck, I've got five and they're all still here and perfectly healthy. Might have a bit to do with Cindy though… Do not be surprised or feel guilty if you don't fall in love with your kid right away. There's an idea that the moment you first hold your child combined with instant love. Sometimes it doesn't happen right away…but it's going to happen. Casey you've waited so long for this - Don't pressure yourself."
Casey scoffed slightly. So many weeks ago he had told Gabby that he would be the one who was ready for everything even if she wasn't. And then all of a sudden he had become so overwhelmed about becoming a father and nothing that Herrmann was saying to him was going to change his mind. "I'm worried about not being a good father. I know what it's like to not have a father, and I don't want to repeat the cycle.
"Parent your way. Ignore the advice you don't like, because if you think the way that somebody parents is crazy, they think the same about you. Don't worry about it. It is your kid, and you are the candidate's parent. You and Dawson have done this before…"
"But that wasn't a newborn baby Herrmann… That changes everything," Casey interrupted.
"But you know what it's like to be a parent Lieutenant… When Cindy and I first announced we were having our first, and we never told anyone about that first loss, all the older firefighters at my house, they all said it was life-changing and it most definitely is. It is one of the most demanding, aggravating, tiring, gruelling and smelliest things a human being can ever do. Yet right when you get to that breaking point the damnedest thing happens. Your little baby looks you in the eyes and you look in theirs and you see yourself in them. Then they smile that special, toothless smile that only the two of you share. You know, the one they use just for you. They look up at you with those impossible baby blue eyes and smile that perfect little smile... and you melt. And whatever fears you had, they won't matter anymore… You've got this Matt."
Casey thought about everything that Herrmann was telling him. Deep down the fears were still very real to him. They weren't something that he would be able to easily shake, but maybe it was something that he would be able to work through. Finishing the last of his coffee, he stood and clapped a hand on Herrmann's shoulder. "Thanks Herrmann…"
Herrmann nodded in reply. "Anytime Lieutenant… Go try and get some sleep…" Raising his voice slightly as Casey reached the door, "You can always have my bed if you need," he joked.
Casey quietly padded through the sleeping quarters noticing that even Severide's door was closed and the lights off. Straining at his watch he was surprised to see that it was nearly 1 am. Hopefully they wouldn't have another call again tonight. Slipping into his own quarters he noticed that Gabby was still fast asleep facing the door. Luckily for him… There was no way he would have been able to squeeze between the wall and bed if she was facing the outside windows and still be able to do what he wanted to do. He stood just inside the door frame watching as her chest rose and fell with each breath. Carefully, silently lowering himself to the floor, Casey shuffled down until he was level with Gabby's belly. Tucking a leg underneath his bunk, he moved his face towards Smudge and placed a hand over her belly.
Taking a deep breath, he thought about what it running through his head… "Hey Smudge, it's your Daddy here. Daddy's been thinking about you lately…" He smiled as he felt a slight thump in response, he looked up at Gabby to see if she was going to stir but nothing. "I guess you can hear me then," he laughed. "I'm your Daddy, I'm the one who is going to protect you and keep you safe. I'm your dad who worries so much because I care so deeply about the family that you are about to enter into. I'm your dad who wants to provide for you so that you can live a life that I never lived. I'm that dad who wants to give you the experiences that I couldn't have growing up. I'm Lieutenant Casey with the Chicago Fire Department, I'm Alderman Casey for the 52nd Ward, I'm Matthew Casey husband to Gabriela… But most importantly I'm your daddy…."
Casey took another deep breath; it was all or nothing here. "And Smudge I don't know what I'm doing here… What type of parent I'm going to be? I've not no clue. I know that I won't get it right all the time, but I can promise you that I'm going to try real hard, I'll do my best. I will love you from the moment I hold you in my arms at the hospital to the moment I take my last breath. I know that it is difficult to understand that I might not always be there for you, but it is something that I am grappling with myself right now. You'll learn that working as a firefighter is sometimes a scary job, but I will always try to get home to you and your Mamá. But I do know that I'm going to be your dad, the one who loves you… And I'll love you no matter what," he finished leaning in to press a kiss to Gabby's covered belly.
A sniff caught his ears causing him to look him. He found Gabby brush away a tear from her eyes.
"Hey, hey, hey," he soothed rushing to gather her up in his arms.
"Matt, that was so sweet," she sniffed nestling her head under his chin. "Smudge and I are so lucky to have you…"
Casey smiled pulling her closer, rubbing circles on her belly. "I love you," he whispered as he dropped a final kiss onto her head.
~ He's developing a firm grasp and may reach out and grab the umbilical cord. He can also stick out his tongue! ~
Hope you enjoyed the latest week. There have been certain scenes that I've had very clearly in my mind with this story ~ The scene of Gabby tossing and turning in their bed and then Matt finding her in his office was one that I've had since the beginning of this story. It is also one of my favourite scenes from the 40 weeks, if I can say that.
Please review and let me know what you think
~Em