I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.
Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts and feelings as well as anxiety, and self-harming behaviours so if any of this is going to trigger you, please do not read.
A/N: Here is chapter number six, Cisco may seem a little clingy but please remember this is only like the second day, he literally told Caitlin how he was feeling the night before. Anyway, if you're enjoying this story please review and as always I'm sorry for any mistakes and enjoy :)
Cisco was perched on the end of Caitlin's bed feeling a little bit ridiculous. Caitlin had been in the shower for only five minutes, but he was starting to feel uncomfortable without her. He had been alone for what felt like forever and now he had someone offering to help him he craved that help. On his own his thoughts were incredibly overwhelming, and he felt like he was drowning in his feelings of depression. His mind wandered and he began to wonder where Caitlin had put his untaken medications. "No, stop!" he whispered harshly. He was angry with himself, with his mind for going there, he couldn't do that to Caitlin, he couldn't go snooping through her things just to get something that he knew he shouldn't have. He fidgeted anxiously on the edge of the bed, Caitlin's voice echoed through his mind, he could go and get her if he needed her, she wouldn't mind, he knew she wouldn't. He could do this, standing up he made his way to the bathroom door, he knocked lightly. No response. He knocked firmer this time. Still no response. He sighed and knocked a third time. The silence was deafening. Somehow not getting an answer was making him feel worse, more alone in a way. His mind immediately began to jump to the darkest possibilities and his legs began to feel shaky. He tried the handle. Unlocked. Just like she told him it would be. This stilled him with a sense of confidence. An unlocked door suggested she did mean what she had said, and he was allowed to come in. He opened the door and stepped into the bathroom, it was hot and steamy, presumably the water was on as hot as possible as she was basically, constantly freezing. "Cait," he called out into the bathroom. His voice was a little shaky, although the door being unlocked had encouraged him enough to come into the bathroom, he was still anxious about actually conversing with her.
"Cisco," her voice called out in reply, her head stuck out from behind the curtain, "What's wrong hon?" she asked. Her hair was dripping wet, and water was running down her face, yet her eyes were still soft and seeing her had an almost instantaneous effect of calming him. He almost told her he was alright, that he was sorry for bothering her and he would leave her alone now, but he knew now he had come in he kind of had to commit, she wouldn't easily let him leave if there was a serious enough reason for him to come in while she was showering and also, a part of him wanted to tell her, maybe then he wouldn't have to sit outside the bathroom alone anymore, with his head filled with so many incredibly unsettling thoughts.
"I can't be alone right now," he told her, his voice shaking, and the familiar sense of tears pricked into his eyes, "I'm afraid I'll try and do something I'll regret." The honesty in his voice as he confessed to her made Caitlin proud to say she was his best friend. It was so difficult to confess something like that, but he did, and it was an extremely powerful move, he was actively doing something about his suffering, he knew right now he wasn't safe being on his own, so he had come and actively sought her out. She gave him a smile,
"Thank you for telling me, how about you take a seat in here, while I finish my shower, I can talk to you the whole time, so you know you're not alone."
"Yes please, that would be good." The doctors head disappeared back behind the curtain, and she started up some light conversation about the weather and the deceives he was building at the moment. She tried to keep it upbeat not focusing to hard on the harder bits of their lives. Before Cisco knew it Caitlin had shut off the water and her hand was reaching out behind the curtain to grab her towel. She pulled back the curtain once she had wrapped herself up and stepped out, walking over to Cisco. He was still in his pyjamas and was going to have to change in a minute so she decided it would be alright if he got a little bit wet, she pulled him into a hug and smiled when the scientist instantly relaxed into the embrace, she rubbed soothing circles on his back for a minute before pulling away,
"I am so proud of you," she told him, and her eyes were so full of sincerity that he had to believe her, a smile appeared on Cisco's face the first genuine smile, that had appeared in ages. It took everything in Caitlin not to let a few tears of happiness slip out. The smile had only lasted for a second, but she was unbelievably grateful for it. "Okay, well we'd better get dressed," she said. Cisco shifted uneasily; he wasn't really fine about being alone again even if it was only to get dressed. Caitlin seemed to pick up on this, because she took his hand into her own and gave it a squeeze,
"Don't worry, you get changed outside the door and I get changed in here and I'll leave the door cracked open, you won't really be alone, I'll be right there the whole time."
"Thank you," he stated appreciatively, squeezing Caitlin's hand back. She smiled at him warmly and then pulled him out of the bathroom so they both could get their clothes.
When they had both retrieved their outfits for the day, Caitlin walked back into the bathroom and true to her word, she left the bathroom door cracked open, so that Cisco didn't feel alone while he was changing outside. After they had, both finished getting dressed, they brushed their teeth together and Cisco sat on the closed toilet while Caitlin put on her makeup, "Hey Cait," Cisco spoke gently as Caitlin was putting on her mascara,
"Hmm," she answered, waiting for him to continue,
"Could I ask you a favour?"
"Sure,"
"I mean, you can say no, it doesn't matter if you do, you know what maybe it's okay I will…"
"Cisco," she interrupted his rambling and briefly turned to face him, "Just tell me what it is." Taking a deep breath and nodding Cisco started speaking again, his voice had riddled with nerves,
"Um, could you move your razors, you know like out of view. When I look at them, I'm really tempted to take one to," he paused his voice becoming extremely quiet, "do bad things with," he admitted. Caitlin flinched, but to her credited, not noticeably. Of course, he would be triggered by that sort of thing, she wanted to face-plant against her hand, but she resisted the temptation and nodded,
"Of course, Cisco, I want you to be comfortable, if there is anything else that can make this easier, please let me know." Cisco nodded his head, relief clear on his face from the idea of the razors being removed from view. Caitlin picked up the razors after she had finished putting on her makeup, moving them out of Cisco's view when his back was turned, "We need to go to Starlabs," her voice was regretful, but right now they faced the threat of Savitar, they were still a while of Iris's death, but they still had work to do, and they couldn't not show up one day without warning.
"I know," Cisco said, giving her a look of understanding, they were busy, that's just how their lives were,
"I'll be around all day, and I'll talk to Barry and see if we can be spared a couple of days," she said, her look was serious,
"You don't have to do that," Cisco told her, "With Iris and stuff we have to be there to help, we can't lose her."
"We can't lose you," she countered, Cisco flinched, and Caitlin sighed and pulled him into a hug, "what I mean is that you need some time, you need some help and if you're working yourself to hard that you stop caring about yourself, we are going to lose you to, and I promise no one wants that. You matter to Cisco even if your head is telling you overwise." The scientist looked into the warm brown eyes of Doctor Caitlin Snow, his best friend, and tightened the hug they were in, she was right, and he knew it,
"Okay," was his response, but it was enough. Caitlin pulled out of the embrace and took his hand, leading them out of her apartment and towards her car ready to go to Starlabs.
A/N: I just wanted to note that this story isn't really going to follow what happened in season three I won't be talking about Savitar or Killer Frost much if at all, I'm just adding bits and pieces where it fits the storyline and for context.