I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.
Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts and feelings as well as anxiety, in-depth descriptions of self-harm and eating problems, so if any of this is going to trigger you, please do not read.
A/N: Here is the seventh chapter of this story, we will get around to Cisco working on his problems eventually, but this is kind of a comfort fic, so it will be a minute. Anyway, if you're enjoying this story, please review they mean an incredible amount to me, and as always, I'm sorry for any mistakes and enjoy :)
Cisco and Caitlin entered Starlabs quietly together, Wells and Barry were sitting in the cortex when they walked in. Harry gave a small wave in their direction but didn't look up form what he was reading. Barry however glanced anxiously in their direction, he didn't say anything but when Cisco muttered something about getting to his lab to Caitlin and left the room, he hurried over to the doctor, "Is he, you know, alright?" the speedster asked anxiously, wringing his wrists together. Caitlin sighed, she didn't want to break Cisco's trust, but this was serious and if she wasn't there when he really needed her it would be good for someone else to know, that there was something going on. So, she settled for an in between response,
"Not really, its not really my place to tell you exactly what's going on, but please can you keep an eye out on him, especially if I'm not here," she stressed, looking nervous. Barry nodded,
"Of course," he told her. From Caitlin's response he could tell whatever was going on with Cisco was serious, especially since she seemed nervous about it, normally Caitlin was able to keep her cool completely.
"Thanks Barr," she pulled him into an unexpected hug, holding onto him tight, letting the stress of the last twenty-four hours melt away, Barry froze initially, shocked at the unexpected contact but quickly recovered and held her back just as tight. They stood there for a minute and then Caitlin pulled away, she gave him a small smile and rubbed his arm,
"Okay I'd better get to work," she told him and headed out of the cortex. Barry stood there for a moment before going back to work, he glanced over at Wells, who seemed to have missed the whole conversation, still completely absorbed in whatever he was reading.
In his lab, Cisco was tinkering with the gadget to help make his breach openings smoother, the thing he had been working on the day before, before Caitlin had come to talk to him. It had only been a matter of hours, but Cisco couldn't help feeling like things had drastically changed for him. He had mixed feelings on this, a part of him was extremely happy that Caitlin knew and was there for him, but the other part was anxious, she knew so much now, and she had his pills and hidden the razors and there was no turning back now. He scanned his lab, his eyes landing on a serious of sharp instruments. The temptation was strong, but he did his best to ignore it, that was until he accidently nicked himself against one of the rough corners of his gadget, he looked at the blood and it provided him with an immense relief, the physical briefly providing relief against the hell in his mind. The temptation returned stronger this time, 'he would be more useful to the team if he could focus better and stop the noise in his head and hurting himself would allow him to achieve that', he tried to reason with himself. He stood up and made his way over to the instruments, trying to pick one that would work the best, his mind flashed to Cait, he was living with her now, at least for a little while and she would defiantly find out. He turned around, looking for a better option, he was now solely focussed on getting that relief the physical pain provided, a Bunsen burner. Burning himself was just as, if not more, dangerous than cutting himself. But if he, did it lightly, just enough for the pain to stop, his mind was made up. He flicked on the switch and watched the burner light up, carefully he brought an uncovered arm over the flame, high enough so he could only just feel the heat from it, he then began to gradually lowered his arm, closer and closer to the flame until he could feel the burning sensation on his skin, he didn't moved his arm any closer to the base of the flame but held his arm there until he couldn't stand the pain any longer. He removed his arm and turned of the flame, his arm was red, but there were no signs of blistering or severe burns. It had worked, his relief was immense, and he knew in a few hours all evidence of what he had done would be gone, feeling better he sat back down and resumed his work.
"Hey," Cisco looked up when he heard a voice and a knock at the door. Caitlin was standing there in the open doorway, a kind look on her face, "Do you want to get lunch?" she asked him, the scientist glanced down at his laptop to check the time, it was two o'clock, but Cisco didn't feel very hungry. Still, he nodded and got up, as soon as he had reached the woman's side he reached for her hand, smiling appreciatively at her when she took it into her own. She led him out of the building, chatting about everything and nothing. They walked to the nearest Big Belly Burger and grabbed something to eat, then proceeding to head to the nearest park and took a seat at a picnic table. The weather was nice, and it was a pleasant time to eat outside, still Cisco struggled to eat. He really wasn't that hungry and although he had picked something small, he couldn't bring himself to pick it up and actually eat it. He could see Caitlin eyeing him, but she didn't say anything. He tried to think of all the possible ways he could get out of this without eating anything, but he came up with no solutions. It had been six hours since he last ate, he should be hungry, he began to get frustrated with himself. "Cisco," Caitlin's voice broke through the haze in his mind, "Eat please." It was an instruction, one that he knew he needed to follow or give her a plausible excuse not to, and as he didn't have one of those, he slowly picked up his burger and took a bite. His stomach twisted and it was all he could do not to start dry heaving. "Cisco, it okay, you not going to be sick, just try and take some deep breathes and calm down," the doctor told him, clearly picking up on his struggle to keep the food in his stomach. When he didn't respond or move to pick up the burger again, Caitlin sighed and stood up. Almost instantaneously Cisco began to panic,
"Sorry, I'm sorry, please don't leave, I'll eat!" his words were rambled and filled with panic, Caitlin's eyes went wide and hurried to his side,
"Hey, hey, I'm not leaving you, I was just going to come, sit next to you, to help, you eat. I should have told you before I moved, so you didn't panic. I'm sorry." She told him, he sighed, embarrassed by his reaction, Caitlin continued talking, "But Cisco, I need you to believe me when I tell you that, I'm not going to leave you, I promise I'm not going anywhere, you are well and truly stuck with me for a while," she joked a little. An amused look briefly appeared on the scientist's face, before going back to embarrassed. Deciding to move on the for the moment, Caitlin sat down next to him on the bench and wrapped an arm around him, "I need you to eat at least half of that please Cisco," she told him, the use of the word 'please' in there may have suggested to anyone else, that it was optional, but Cisco knew it wasn't, even when Caitlin was giving instructions, she was polite. With the comfort of her arm around him though, Cisco decided to give eating the burger another go. He lifted it up slowly and took a bite, chewed it and swallowed. Then he repeated the process, bite, chew, swallow, bite, chew, swallow. Until three-quarters of his meal was finished, he then put down what he hadn't eaten and turned to face Caitlin, "I can't do any more, please Caitlin," he begged slightly.
"It's okay, you can stop," she said, picking up the rubbish from the table and moving to throw it away. Cisco remained sitting on the picnic table until she returned, he felt a feeling of relief surge through him, when he saw her throwing away the rest of the food, his stomach was uncomfortably full, and he truly believed he would vomit if he ate anymore. When the doctor returned, she helped him to his feet and wrapped an arm around his shoulder's slowly guiding him down the street and back towards Starlabs, "So I spoke to Barry," she started, "And we are going to take the weekend off. So, we just have to come back in tomorrow and then we can just take some time to recuperate and recover."
"But what about all the work we've got to do?" Cisco questioned, looking anxious. He really wanted this time to spend just with Caitlin being able to get a grip back on his life, but he couldn't help feeling guilty, they had so much to do.
"Well, if it's an emergency, they will call us and we will come straight in, but they can manage just for one weekend. Barry doesn't have to be at CCPD so he'll be there the whole time and so will Iris, Joe and Julian. It will be fine hon, don't worry," she reassured him. Cisco nodded and realised they had reached the building. The two headed up in the elevator together and then parted ways when they stepped into the cortex. Caitlin heading off to run some tests on Barry and Cisco back to work on his machines in his lab.
It was three hours later when Cisco's mind became more active again, he tried to push it away, his arm still slightly tender from earlier events. He focused on the screwdriver he was holding, trying to thing what he was about to do with it. However, he couldn't remember, he was shaking, and he put the tool down against the table with a bang. He couldn't focus he needed that relief again. He needed it! He couldn't handle what was happening and so he headed to the Bunsen burner once more, going through the same routine he had performed earlier in the day. This time holding his skin against the flame for slightly longer. He only stopped when his arm flinched back out of his control. The skin was redder than this morning, but still know signs of blistering. Deciding it was fine, the scientist pulled his sleeve back over the tender skin and ignored the stinging pain in his arm. It was a good distraction from his mind, and he couldn't believe he hadn't done this earlier. Thinking about dying or hurting himself, he decided that hurting himself was the better option. He settled back down to work, ready to keep going for another hour, until Caitlin came and got him, ready for them to go back home.