Wow I never thought I would take this long to get to another chapter. Disclaimer though – this is all I really have written. So whilst I would love to say that it won't be a long wait for the next chapter I'm not so sure. I just want to get something out there for you to read and hopefully enjoy.
To Rebecca for pushing, supporting and being a wonderful beta and friend, thank you girl. And to both her and Jewel who have listened to me about this chapter and given me feedback about the juggling that I have done with this story – a huge thank you!
And thank you for all the reviews and DMs that I have received whilst my little story has been on hiatus. My school year has gone off to a hectic start, and whilst I love my new position – juggling that and my masters has left me very little time to write. It's actually taken me an entire term to write this chapter which is completely different to the previous chapters which I had written in a week.
This chapter took on a different life as I started to write it and I've done some moving around of some planned chapters and this is what came about. And I know I say this fairly often, but – in this chapter is one of my favourite lines ever. See if you can work it out and tell me your favourite line. Hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think ~ Em
Week Twenty Nine
~ Candidate is the size of a large butternut squash ~
Matt sighed as his hand paused on the cold metal door handle. It had been a long nearly 48 hours since he had last seen his wife. He had been out there working at 51 and by the time his 24 hour shift had been over he had arrived home to an empty house. He had tended to love that at nearly 30 weeks Gabby still hadn't really slowed down. He loved to watch her manoeuvre her way around the kitchen in the mornings, a hand resting on her protruding belly and a soft smile on her face as she would be preparing breakfast all the while muttering in Spanish softly to Smudge. Or the times he would come home to find Gabby sitting in their office absentmindedly rubbing a spot where Smudge had kicked still marking papers that would be scattered across the desktop.
She was still out there working at the Academy and was still picking up the odd shift at Molly's. So when he had arrived home that morning, Gabby had already left for the Academy. Then he was out at an alderman's meeting in the afternoon. Thinking that Gabby would be home, he had stopped on the way back to pick up Chinese for dinner, only to have missed her again. Again he was walking into an empty house. Apparently, she had gone into Molly's thinking that Kidd wasn't able to do a shift as he had found out from Herrmann when he had arrived. You would think after this many weeks of juggling both of their many careers that they would have managed to work out a schedule so they would actually see each other.
So when Matt arrived home for that last time to find that his wife was at Molly's he quickly made his mind up that he was going to find her and drag her home. He knew that Gabby had one speed and that was fast, there was no slowing her down. Just a few days ago he had watched as she stubbornly tried to reach a glass high up in one of the kitchen cabinets. Her ever growing belly was getting in the way and she couldn't manoeuvre herself close enough to the bench and even with standing on her tiptoes she couldn't grasp the glass as once she would have been able to. Matt had stood back and watched her for a while, he had watched as she strained from left to right and back left again. Even as she had looked around for a chair to stand on he had simply watched her, knowing that if he stepped in she would likely bite his head off. It all changed however when she had tried to slide herself up onto the kitchen counter. There was no stopping her, and Matt wouldn't change anything about her, but he drew the line at her climbing, he just had to intervene.
Even remembering that situation caused Matt to think that she just didn't stop and think enough. As much as he knew it wasn't intentional there were times that it felt like Gabby didn't even remember that she was pregnant. She had always been headstrong and very confident with everything that she did. Gabby had been one of the first female firefighters at Fire House 51 and she had thrown herself into everything headlong. Matt had been so proud of her and everything that she had accomplished not only as a firefighter but as a PIC too. Gabby led from the front, just as all of the officers at 51 did. But Matt was ready for her to take a step back too.
Many of these worries had culminated in a conversation with Severide during a down moment that they had both had. He had been working in his office when Severide had barged in and flung himself unceremoniously onto his bunk. Matt had pondered for a moment or two if there had been a disagreement between Kidd and Severide, that had been the only time that Severide would come into his office lately. Not that they had been having many lover's tiffs, but being together all the time; both at home and work could sometimes just bring up little niggles that might have otherwise gone unnoticed. Not to mention the Truck vs Squad that each could bring up during an argument. He had fondly remembered those little tiffs that Gabby and he would have had in the past. But Matt had been way off base, Severide had wanted to talk about what had happened at the Academy a few weeks ago. Any new comer to 51 would likely call Severide out for being a hard arse and seemingly uncaring. But the 51 family knew better, and there was a reason that the Caseys wanted Kelly to be Smudge's godfather. Antonio aside, there was no one that Matt would trust more with his child than his best friend, no matter the ups and downs they had been through.
And all of this had been very evident when Severide came in to talk about what had happened at the Academy, he had been worried about Gabby. Matt had only heard the cliff notes version of what had happened at the seminar, and whilst at the same time Severide had only half a story from the time he was there, it all started to piece together for Matt. It just reminded him of the fear he felt when Gabby had mentioned in passing that she had raised her voice at the class. It must have been a big thing for that to occur and it was all stress that Gabby didn't need.
He had thought for a few weeks now that she had been doing too much, but wasn't sure how to even bring up the subject with her hormones. Gabby had never mentioned when she was going to take leave from the CFD, he wasn't even sure whether there was a policy in place for situations like this, there had to be. However, he was going to have to find another word, other than 'situation' if he was going to broach the subject with Gabby. How exactly was he supposed to say to her 'Babe, I want you to stop working so hard?' It wasn't in Gabby's nature to give anything less than 100 percent in all of her jobs, even as a wife she gave it her all.
The freezing metal of the door handle jerked Matt back to reality as the tips of his fingers started to sting and tingle. He watched carefully as his breath blew up little puffs of mist in the cold air, his eyes fixated on the small clouds that formed, he hadn't meant to be out for so long. But once he had realised that Gabby wasn't home after his latest venture to their house, he just knew that she would have gone to Molly's. There wasn't a note left on the counter like she would usually have left, nor was there any mention of a shift on the kitchen blackboard. Still, Matt had a feeling, deep down, he just knew that she was there.
It was all in vain, however. By the time that Matt had made his way into the loud and crowded bar, Gabby was nowhere to be seen. Matt had wedged himself at one end of the bar and scanned the room; he had seen Otis, Herrmann and Kidd serving the many patrons, and all of Squad 3 were seated around a back table, their laughter clearly audible all across the bar. Brett was sitting at the other end of the bar with a group of girls who Matt didn't recognise. Still unable to find Gabby, he started searching the room again; from the back corner along the wall, behind where he stood, near the entrance and finally behind the bar.
Moments later when he found that he was still coming up short, he pondered where she might be. It was entirely possible that Gabby might be working in the back. Then it occurred to him that Gabby wasn't doing work in the back room anymore, most of that type of work was heavy lifting and Herrmann had banned her from that months ago. The only lifting that she did at Molly's now was handing out and collecting glasses. Matt's brow furrowed, if Gabby wasn't here then where could she possibly be? He fished into his pant pockets looking for his cell, thinking that he might just ring Antonio. Maybe she was with her brother, however weird it might be that she didn't leave a note.
Maybe she had mentioned that there was going to be a catch up with her older brother. Miguel and Adriana had flown back to the Dominican Republic for a family member's birthday three days ago and wouldn't be back for at least another four weeks. Adriana had been hesitant about leaving the Windy City at all, the closer Gabby got to her due date the closer Adriana had felt that she needed to be. It had all climaxed just before the elders left with Gabby reminding her mother that not only did women give birth every day, but she was still working and was able to do all those things that she had been doing weeks ago. Still, Matt shared the worry and concern that his mother-in-law held as Gabby got closer and closer to only being in single weeks towards them meeting Smudge. Matt couldn't blame them; they were excited; he knew how important family was to the Dawsons.
So maybe Gabby was having dinner with Antonio. It felt like he hadn't seen him for weeks, even if in reality it had only been last week since he had been speaking to his brother-in-law about helping him out with the nursery. He definitely owed Antonio a drink or two if they could pull off what he wanted to do. But it all felt like he was running out of time. Gabby had eleven weeks to go, it was frightening that his little Smudge was going to be here in a few very short weeks. What if they weren't ready? Knowing the speed that Gabby was going at, she would likely finish at the academy only a few days before the baby arrives. Perish the thought, there was a reoccurring nightmare that Matt would have once in while where he would get a panicked phone call telling him that Gabby had gone into labour whilst lecturing and was on the way to the hospital in a fire vehicle.
Herrmann looked up as he heard Matt sigh and noticed the young man patting down all of his pockets. He stared intently as Matt finally pulled out his phone out of an inner jacket pocket. He hadn't expected to see Matt standing in Molly's fully decked out in a suit, especially when Gabby was at home. He was sure that he had overheard Casey telling Severide that he had a finance meeting at city hall tonight and rarely did Casey come by Molly's after a session, that had been the new norm since Gabby had pulled back with all of her shifts. Where it was once common for them to spend many evenings here; Gabby working at the bar and Matt coming in after a vote or meeting, now Herrmann would rarely see that situation.
"Lieutenant?" his voice questioned as he caught the blonde's attention. "Beer?" Herrmann tried not to mention the obvious look of distress on his face, maybe the young Casey couple had had a falling out. It wouldn't have been the first time and likely wouldn't be the last. He could remember how many misunderstandings he and Cindy experienced over their five pregnancies. Maybe it was time to dish out some well meaning fatherly - Herrmann advice. Sighing, he strode purposefully towards Matt, removing the towel from his shoulder.
"Hey Lieutenant..." his gravelly voice rang out again, looking into his blue eyes.
Matt sighed again as he thought about what Herrmann had told him, really he had to trust the older firefighter, after all he did have five children of his own. His second in command had reminded him once again that pregnant women were a different breed and that Matt shouldn't take anything personally. When Matt had mentioned that he was thinking of telling Gabby what he really thought of all of her working Herrmann had strongly cautioned against doing anything of the sort.
But at the same time, Cindy was nothing like Gabby - Cindy Herrmann was the glue that kept that family together and running smoothly, but she also knew her limits. Gabby, on the other hand, Matt truly believed that she wouldn't ever stop until she was forced to. After one last deep somewhat calming breath Matt made his way into the house hanging his car keys in the mudroom and stomping his boots to rid them of the snow before removing them.
The sight of Gabby in a pair of stretchy long pants with a stripy navy and white long sleeve slouch top took his breath away. There was nothing special about what she had on and her hair was piled up into a messy bun near the top of her head, it was nothing like the dress that she had worn to the party a week ago - but still Matt had to remind himself to breathe. There was something primal about the sight he was taking in, the way that her shirt tucked in over her growing belly protecting his child. His child growing safely and he was reminded how fast time was passing him by. He was so lost in thought that he never noticed that Gabby's attention had turned to him.
"Hey," Gabby greeted nonchalantly turning to give him a warm smile.
This simple greeting caused Matt's blood to simmer momentarily. Never mind how fast Gabby's emotions could change, his own feelings had quickly changed back to anger from loving thoughts. How was it that Gabby was able to be so calm after he had been chasing her around the city of Chicago? How could she have had so little concern about just being away from home? Without even leaving him a note. But of course, she would never have even thought that he was worried and tired.
"What?" Gabby asked somewhat self-consciously giving him a weird look. She stared at him for a few more moments trying to work out why Matt was glaring at her. Her eyes wandered around and even started to smooth the material over her belly, a slight smile coming to her face as she felt Smudge give a gentler nudge than normal.
Matt shook his head slightly, making his way over to her. Wrapping her up in his arms, Matt took a moment or two to breathe in the citrus smell that lingered around from her shampoo. Trying desperately to shove everything down, Matt breathed heavily. Gabby upon hearing this, pulled back and stared up intently.
"What is it?" she asked matter a factly. Matt glanced down at the concerned look that was facing him. Brushing her off, Matt withdrew his hand from around her waist and started towards the fridge looking for food.
"Nothing," he mentioned. "What did you want for dinner?"
Gabby stared at the empty space that was now in front of herself. "Nothing, I don't need anything…" quickly she continued on seeing Matt open his mouth to protest. "I had a bite with Kidd and Severide when I was at Molly's earlier."
Matt hissed as quietly as he could. Pulling a beer out of the fridge he quickly popped the lid off and took a drink before he spoke again. "So Molly's?" he drew out the 'L'. Gabby nodded in acknowledgement. "I'm a bit surprised," he stated.
If Gabby was surprised she showed no traces of it, so on Matt went. "I'm just a bit concerned. I feel like I haven't seen you in days, Gabby. You've got a bit going on and I'm just a bit…" Matt paused for a second to think of the right word "...a bit worried…" he trailed off.
"Worried?" came the short reply.
"Worried… Gabby I just want to talk about it. There's a lot happening in our lives. And to come home to an empty house. It was …surprising."
"Soooo…" tried out Gabby, "you expected me to be home? Have dinner ready for you?"
Matt sighed as he placed his beer on the kitchen bench. This was starting to go in the same direction as he had expected. He knew that it didn't matter which words he used or in what way he said, Gabby was always likely to react this way. "Not to have dinner ready for me," protested Matt. "I just thought you'd be home. You've been busy and are juggling work, Molly's and the pregnancy…"
"So this is about Smudge?" she squeaked. "You don't think that I can handle everything that I already do. Let me remind you Matthew Casey that I am more than capable of handling myself."
"No… Gabby," Matt leant out to reach his hands towards hers. "I just want to talk about it!" his voice raising slightly. Gabby huffed and pulled herself just out of Matt's reach.
Matt watched as Gabby turned away from him once more focusing her attention on the already clean dishes and mugs in the sink. He steadied his breathing as he took silent steps towards her, annoyed with her for ignoring his plea to talk and annoyed at himself for pushing so hard. Carefully his hands went around her hips, allowing himself to smile slightly as he felt her muscles tense in surprise at the contact.
Matt gently eased the last mug out of her hand and placed it on the sink draining board. Without losing contact with her, he turned around letting his thumbs work their way under her shirt and started caressing the skin along the small of her back. Gabby let a small smile cross her face as she tried to hold onto the annoyance that she was feeling towards her husband. How dare he question how she was living her life?
"Gabby," he started softly, his mouth near to her ear. Gabby shivered slightly as she felt his warm breath tickle her neck. "All I want is for you to think about everything that is going on around here…" he expressed honestly. Matt felt Gabby start to bubble as she began to tense, he didn't even need to look in her eyes to know that he had chosen the wrong words. Instinctively he tightened his grip on her hips and with his other hand grabbed onto the edge of the sink blocking her into his embrace. He didn't want her to run, not again.
"Matt," she growled her voice dangerously low. "Let me go," she warned. Matt raised his hands in surrender and took a step back. Silently he watched as Gabby threw down the washcloth that was near her hands and then stormed out of the kitchen the best she could. Matt sighed loudly as he ran a hand wearily over his face.
Gabby found herself slightly short of breath. She had only stormed off from the kitchen into the living in an attempt to remove herself from Matt's gaze. And it frustrated her, it was barely any exertion and she found herself out of breath. What was happening here? Gabby took a deep breath, well as much as she could and left her hands resting lightly on her belly. Matt watched from the entryway as she attempted to ground herself and took a seat on the couch.
Laying her head back onto the edge of the couch, Gabby's hands ran around her belly as she tried to relax her muscles. As she approached the end stage of her pregnancy there was a strain that had started to show itself, she was uncomfortable and so easily fatigued. And although Gabby would never admit it, it was getting harder and harder to make it through a work day. These were things that hadn't even bother her previously - she was used to working 24 hour shifts and now she could barely do an eight hour day. Almost unconsciously she moaned as Matt's warm strong hands found their way to her neck. Gently, Matt moved his hands along her neck muscles, attempting to loosen the strained muscles he felt under his fingers. Tugging carefully at the tie Matt pulled her hair free of its constraints smiling as it fell down into its natural waves. Gabby smiled as she felt Matt's fingers start to massage her head and the nails rake over her scalp. It was hard to be mad at him when he was sweet like this. She wanted to hate him, how could he just think that she would just throw her career away.
"Gabby," Matt tried again as he moved to sit next to her on the couch, his hands never losing contact with her. "I'm not saying that I know what's best for you. I'm not saying that you need to take my advice, and I'm definitely not telling you what to do… But as your husband, as the man who loves you - I just want to protect you… And Smudge," he finished placing a hand on her belly.
"I'm not made of glass Matt," she reminded him, "I'm pregnant - people have been doing this for years and surviving perfectly well."
"I'm sure that pregnant women haven't been juggling half the things that you have. And Gabby trust me, I am so proud of you and everything that I know you are capable of. But I just want you to take a step back and think of everything that you are doing, that's it."
"Do you hear what you are saying, Matt? You're telling me to slow down when you promised that you would let me decide," Gabby reminded him of the many conversations they had had in the past.
Matt smiled widely, there was nothing that he would be able to get past her. Thinking on his feet, he took the same course of action and reminded her of his side of that bargain. Two could play that card, he thought to himself. "Yes Gabby, but do you also remember that I said I would step in if I thought I needed to?" He pushed a stray piece of hair out of her eyes and leant forward to brush a soft kiss across her lips.
"I've got this; I feel fine… Great even," she gave him a wide smile as she pulled back from the kiss. She knew what he was doing, romancing her into submission.
"Baby… Think about Smudge!" As the words left Matt's mouth, he instantly regretted them. Gabby's eyes turned to thunder as she pulled out of his embrace.
"What did you just say Matt?" the accusatory tone evident in her voice. "Did you just imply that I wouldn't think of my baby… That I wouldn't ever think to put Smudge's safety before everything… Think very carefully before you speak again Matthew Casey."
"I didn't mean it like that Babe," Matt tried to back peddle.
"Really?" huffed Gabby, "So what are you trying to say then? That you care more about Smudge than me?" her eyes continued to flash over with anger, almost daring him to disagree with her.
"Babe," Matt started to get more irritated as the minutes ticked by. It was as if Gabby just wasn't listening to anything that he was saying. All he wanted was for her to take a step back. It wasn't that he wanted her to stop working altogether. "I just want you to stop working so hard."
It was evidently these were worst possible words that could have come out of Matt's mouth. "So what you're telling me…" Gabby started her eyes flashing with anger. "You just want me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen don't you?" she hissed as she started to lift herself off the couch and away from him. Gabby was fuming, how could Matt even say such a thing. It felt like there was actually smoke pouring out of her ears.
"Gabby, don't be unreasonable," Matt tried to talk her down. "I never asked you to quit your job…"
"Quit my job?" she screeched. "Have you even noticed how it's changing for me?" she challenged.
Gabby struggled for a moment - she hadn't thought that everything would change like this and now she was cursing herself. Of course, everything was going to change, she was expecting a baby she wasn't that naive. Yet at the same time, she was a paramedic and a firefighter. She had trained for months to be able to climb ladders and run into buildings that were burning. She had done it for years. Even as a paramedic she had had to do that. And every day that she went to work at the academy she was assaulted by those memories, with especially strong ones coming back to haunt her when on the days that fires were lit. She didn't mean to feel it, but it was as if she was being reminded that she couldn't do any of this anymore.
And all of a sudden it hit her. How this was affecting Matt… None of this was affecting him. Matt's life wasn't changing right now, yeah it was going to change when the baby arrived. But right now, nothing! And without even meaning to, Gabby felt her anger rise and blood begin to boil. If she hadn't been pregnant her hormones wouldn't have been surging around her body and her mind wouldn't have been sending wacky signals. If she wasn't pregnant then Gabby would have been able to take a step back and likely notice that she was being somewhat unreasonable. But then again if she hadn't been pregnant then they wouldn't have even been having this conversation and she wouldn't be off Ambo, hell she might have even been back on a Truck at another company. But she couldn't think like that at all.
The problem was still at hand. Gabby was mad at Matt; he didn't understand what she was thinking. What she was feeling. Rounding on herself, she found Matt's piercing blue eyes on her, watching as she thought about was happening. Cold eyes that could bore straight into her heart. If Gabby was thinking straight, she would have seen the fear in his eyes. Earlier that night Matt might have been mad and scared about her, now he was fearful. Everyone knew how scary Gabby Dawson could be, Matt knew first hand what she was like when she was mad. And the pregnancy had tended to swing and play with her emotions. Yet tonight she noticed nothing, she was just angry now.
"You know what?" she started, her voice low and menacing. "You have no idea what this is like for me… And how would you ever know? You don't know what it's like to stand in front of a lecture hall full of students, all of these eyes on you expecting that you are amazing and have all the answers. You don't know what it's like to stand in front of fire candidates and have them question your every sentence just because you're a female… No Matt you don't, you're a truck lieutenant…"
"Gabs," Matt tried to reach out a hand in comfort. Gabby shook her head and jerked her hand away, rather wanting to place it over her belly as if to protect Smudge from the world. She kept marching on.
"You don't know what it's like not be able to stand for long enough to deliver a lecture or to be able to take any practical classes… Do you know that next week when I need to deliver a practical class where we have a series of emergencies to test their abilities in the field I have had to delegate it out to the surrounding houses? I even have your PIC coming in to deliver the heart attack victim scenario? And he's also overseeing the entire practical class... The man who took my job at 51 is now coming into do my job at the academy… That perfect man," she spat.
Matt was taken back. Never once had she been negative about Roger Sullivan actually, he had really never heard her say anything much about the man at all. The first night that Gabby had been introduced to the man taking over her PIC role at Molly's she had been all smiles and very welcoming. She had confided in him later that night that she hadn't been too surprised that they did bring in another PIC to the house, in fact she actually knew him from another house and had trusted him. Whilst at one point she had thought that Brett had been the right person to take charge, Boden had confided in her that time under another PIC would be better for Brett, especially at their busy house. They needed someone to take charge and make snap decisions, and maybe Brett just needed a bit more support in reaching that peak.
"And can you imagine how it must feel when you can't do your job anymore? That it feels like the life is being sucked out of you? Something is stopping me doing my job… Stopping me!"
"It was your choice Gabby," reminded Matt. "You made that call to move to the Academy."
"I never really got that choice Matt, where was I going to go? I wasn't going to be able to stay on Ambo for much longer. If I had your blood pressure would have gone through the roof. So, no I didn't get the choice. I had to give up my job, the job that I loved. A job… No not a job. I had to give up two jobs that I love doing, jobs that I am damn good at."
Matt was taken back from what he was hearing. A look of shock settled over his face, never would he have ever thought he would be hearing this from his wife. "What are you trying to say Gabby? That you don't want a baby?" Matt cut back, stunned at what he was hearing.
"That's not what I said, stop trying to put words in my mouth Matthew."
But Matt was on a roll, "Well it's a bit late to be thinking about this Gabby," he sniped at her. "I mean what's even the point, Gabriela? Why didn't you ever say something before? You've always seemed like you wanted a child… we spoke about this…" he trailed off looking the other way. "You don't get to say that you want this and then suddenly think that it's all too hard and want to back out or even to put this all on me."
Gabby squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to stop the tears that were forming. She silently cursed the hormones that were coursing through her making her even feel emotional, never in the past would she had ever been teary in a situation like this. Angry and shouting would have been the norm in the past.
But Matt didn't notice the lone tear that slipped down her cheek, he was just hurt and was letting all the anger out.
"I thought you were past this Gabby. I thought you were finally on board with having a baby. After all the fear that you had when we first found out… I thought you were over it all. I thought that you wanted this baby…" Matt's voice caught ever so slightly
"How dare you," she spat back at. "How could you even say anything like that? After everything that we went through to get to this point? After Louie? After losing our baby. How DARE you… You don't know what it was like to finally be pregnant. And how scared I was of this baby? How did I know if my body was even capable of making healthy babies?" she sobbed. Matt lurched forward to pull her in for a hug, but Gabby was having none of it. Pushing him away, Gabby slid into the corner of the couch, sniffing and trying to calm her breathing down. "Don't touch me," she warned as her breathing normalised. "You have this perfect idea in your head about what our family is going to be like and did you ever stop once and think what might have happened if this hadn't turned out okay? I bet you didn't. Matt I couldn't allow myself to believe that we would some day be holding our own little baby in my arms, because what if it didn't happen… again," her voice cracking slightly. "My heart wouldn't have ever been able to recover from that… I couldn't take that heartbreak again Matt… I don't think we would ever recover from that," she quietly finished.
Gabby leant back into the couch allowing the cushions to envelop her and let her mind wander. Everything that would never have bothered her in the past suddenly was rearing its ugly head and reminding her of how mad she truly was. And at the forefront of her mind was the night she had come home after a very long night at the Academy.
*Flashback*
It had been a long day at the Academy and Gabby had decided to stay late that night even though she knew that Matt would be at home waiting for her. There was paperwork piling up on her desk, so much so that she didn't think that she would even be able to lift it all off of her desk and take it home. So after shooting a text message off to Matt she had settled in and managed to work through it all so much faster than she had first anticipated.
Somehow she had managed to make her way through the door and place everything into the study without alerting Matt that she had even arrived home. Pausing in the rarely used dining room doorway Gabby gazed at Matt who had a glass of wine in his hand flicking through what Gabby knew would be some CFD file. Gabby could never quite believe the amount of work both Matt and Severide managed to bring home when they all still shared that apartment. And nothing had changed over the year, Matt was still bringing home file after file. It made her think back to the time when they were staying in the apartment over Herrmann's garage. She remembered how after they would put Louie to bed every so often they would share a bottle of wine, her reading a book, him with his paperwork whether it be firefighting related or something else.
And the memory tugged at her heartstrings. Those quiet nights gazing at their little boy calmly sleeping, she could never quite believe that he was really there. Running a hand over her stomach and letting it rest over on the underside of her belly she allowed herself to truly believe that in a matter of weeks she and Matt would be doing that again. Well, maybe not sharing the bottle of red wine, but at least standing in that nursery gazing at their little Smudge snoozing away.
*End flashback*
Matt with a glass of red wine - the image came slamming back into her mind with full force. It wasn't often that Matt would even have wine, Gabby was sure she could count the amount of time he had had one alone on a single hand. Nothing was changing for him!
"Can you even imagine how it feels to watch you walk out the door in that light grey shirt with those bugles on every shift? You can't can you?"
"What?" questioned Matt confused. He still couldn't actually pinpoint down what is was that Gabby was mad about. It seemed like it was everything that she was mad about. There was, however, some small voice in the back of his mind telling him that it wasn't just about him questioning her need to work so much. No, this was something much bigger than his one comment. "Do you want me to get changed at work like I used to?"
But Gabby continued on as if Matt had never spoken. "Or that I know in a few weeks you will need your dress blues. You can't imagine how I feel to watch on as you need them ironed for you, and I'll be that person. Because I'm your wife and I'll iron them even though it will be tearing me up inside seeing you in that crisp white shirt, being the person who will straighten your tie and make sure your name plate is on just right…"
"Gabs, you wear a white shirt to work every day," Matt interrupted, completely confused at what she was getting at.
"But it's not that same," a sole tear started to descend down Gabby's cheek as she roughly wiped it away. She wasn't going to get teary about this again, she wouldn't give Matt the satisfaction.
"Do you remember years ago telling me that this, this firefighting thing, it's just a job and what we have is everything? You stood in Molly's and looked me in the eye and told me that we were everything. I need you to believe that. It's just a job Gabby," Matt pleaded.
"Nothing has changed for you Matt," she voiced. "Nothing in this pregnancy…" Rationally she knew that this wasn't true, but it still didn't stop her lashing out at Matt using her words to hurt him so she wouldn't feel as vulnerable. "I'm the one who got sick, I'm the one who was scared for the first 12 weeks worried that something would go wrong and I would have to live through that gut wrenching experience of having surgery again - one where I would have to wake up and feel empty again. ME! I'm the one who ended up in Chicago Med with bruises. I'm the one who had to change jobs and face all of the whispers through the academy hallways and the sideways glances. I'm the one who has had to prove herself just because I'm pregnant. When you and Severide step into any one of those classes you command a respect, one that should be extended to me. But instead, I'm second guessed because I'm a female and a paramedic. Someone who is seen as second class in the CFD because of it…"
"Whoa," Matt's hands when up defensively. "I've never ever thought of you like that…"
"So why were you so eager for me to move off of Truck?" she snapped.
"You made that decision Gabby. Not me," he harshly reminded her, his anger beginning to bubble again.
"You haven't had to change anything Matt Casey. You are still in the familiar surroundings of 51 with all of our friends. You are the one that hasn't changed a thing, still comfortable in your lieutenant's office. Leading your crew on 81, shouting out orders, running into buildings, finishing reports, working 24 hour shifts. Without a care in the world. Nothing has changed for you, nothing! I was moved on." Matt noticed, even in his own anger, that Gabby was starting to become more hysterical. There was no way to bring her back at the moment, she just needed to get everything out of her system, no matter how harsh it was for him to hear. "I was the one who was moved out of 51 and onto somewhere else. If it hadn't been to the academy, then I still would have had to move. On top of everything else. ME, I am the one that has suffered through all of this. ME. I'm the one who feels tired by lunchtime, who can't stand up who more than twenty minutes at work. I'm the one who seems to struggle to fit into her uniform every second day. Remember when I had to wear your shirt? Can you even begin to understand how mortifying that whole situation was for me? No! Of course, you can't!"
Matt stared at her for a moment and Gabby could swear that she could see the wheels turning in his mind trying desperately hard to work out what she was saying. After watching him for a few more moments in silence she threw her hands up in surrender, "You know what? I'm done Matt…"
"Gabby," Matt turned in his seat and grabbed her wrist as Gabby started to walk past. There was no way that he was going to let his wife go to bed angry. Hormones were running high and whilst he wasn't too sure what the right thing to say really was, he had to at least try. It was this that was making their marriage different to their 'dating' relationship. In the past Matt would have let her just run off and he would get angry. But it needed to be different now, they were a family - he needed to work this out with her. Tugging at her arm slightly he eased her down so he was able to face her. Slowly he started to run his hand up and down her shoulder and arm gently, all the while thinking of the words he might have for her.
But Gabby was having nothing of it. Just as quickly as she had sat down, she was up again. This time Matt let her go. He sighed as his fist came down on the back of the couch making a satisfying thump. Sitting for a while, tapping his finger on the soft material, Matt could hear the sound of Gabby storming up the stairs, her shoes colliding with the wooden floor. After resting his head in his hands for a few more moments Matt made up his mind. He wasn't going to let Gabby run away from him again, run away from their problems. They had both spent far too much time hiding in the past. Now wasn't the time for it. They needed to fix their problems like adults. Matt smiled wryly to himself as he heard the bedroom door slam shut, well if he had to stand outside the door and talk to his wife, that's exactly what he was going to do.
However, he was surprised to find their bedroom door locked when he arrived a few seconds later.
"Gabby, come on… Open the door, let me in," Matt pleaded. Nothing, there was nothing that he could say. "Gabby," he started again, pausing to take in a deep steadying breath, leaning his head on the wooden door. "Gabs, I'm begging you… I'm sorry…" Matt stopped for a moment, trying to find the words that might be able to talk his wife down. He had never been any good with words, everyone at the house would attest to that. Thinking back to their wedding, he thought of the words that had poured out of him, those non-traditional vows that Gabby had had her heart on.
Bringing a hand up to place on the door near his head, Matt continued, "Gabby Baby, I'm sorry. I never wanted to control you. And I never wanted you to think that you didn't care about Smudge. And I would never say that you didn't want a baby. Gabby please," he begged. "I know that you want nothing more than to protect Smudge, and Baby believe me that there is nothing more in life that I want to do than protect both of you. And part of protecting Smudge is protecting you. While it's your body protecting Smudge that's my job…"
Gabby felt a hot tear run down her cheek as she too leant her head against the door. She wanted to be mad at Matt, but how could she when all she could hear were those sweet honest words from that precious man. Sliding a hand to rest on the door handle, she heard Matt continue. "I know that you would never do anything intentionally to put our baby in danger. But it's part of my job as Daddy," his voice caught at his new title, "... as Daddy to Smudge to make sure that his Mommy is safe too. And Baby you can do anything that you want, you're so capable, but as a Dawson and a Casey you're never going to stop. Baby, me wanting you to slow down isn't about the fact that I don't think you're capable, it's about me being your husband and wanting to protect you at all costs… And protecting him… Baby please, let me in."
Slowly the door opened and he watched Gabby disappear over to the small couch that sat in their large bedroom. Matt paused to allow her time to settle down on the piece of furniture that had been in the living room of their first apartment. That couch had seen some of their worst and best times, for better or for worse. And whilst this most definitely wasn't their worse that they had spoken about in their vows, it certainly wasn't a pleasant time. It was just a misunderstanding. It was a small bump in their road that Herrmann had predicted would happen, especially with a fiery and strong personality that both he and Gabby possessed.
Once he could see that she made herself comfortable on the couch, he quickly lowered himself down next to her. He was surprised to see that she wasn't sporting red eyes having thought he had heard crying through the door. Running a warm hand up and down her arm, he grasped her elbow and took a deep breath. Upon hearing it Gabby turned her body towards him, knowing that it was time that they at least started to talk about this. He needed to let her know that he was right here, beside her, support her.
"Gabriela..." he quietly spoke up watching as Gabby turned her face away causing him to hook a finger under her chin trying to gently pull her to face him. "Gabriela Casey," he took in her wide teary brown eyes, she melted into him slightly more as she heard the low timbre of his voice calling her by her full name. He knew that it would make her weak at the knees. "...At the end of a shift my uniform comes off, my wedding ring doesn't," he reinforced to her as he gently ran a finger down her cheek. Taking her hands into his much larger ones he started playing with the diamond of her engagement ring. "My wedding ring, it's still on my finger, Gabby. That ring, it's stayed on from when you slid it onto my finger. When you did that - it became an outward expression of my love and loyalty to you. It is a promise for forever… My bugle is not that Gabby."
Gabby sniffed slightly, trying in vain to control her breathing. Matt noticing this stood and slipped behind her. It was something that had become so much more natural to them now, he was now able to tap her on the shoulder and then slide in, drawing her back to his chest. Slowly Gabby slid down the couch and manoeuvred her head across his heart. Taking a deep breath, she started to sync her breathing in time with his heartbeat.
Matt wasn't too sure how long that they sat in silence, he simply enjoyed having Gabby in his arms listening to her breathing even out. His hands soon joined hers on the belly with her hands sitting lightly at the top and his hands cupping the underside, enjoying the occasional thump he felt. It never seemed to stop being an amazing experience for him, almost as if he was feeling the spark for the first time all over again.
Matt had been sure she had fallen asleep but just wasn't willing to move her to bed just in case. So when she spoke in such a soft tone that he almost missed it. "I just feel like I've disappeared behind my bump," she confessed, mumbling into Matt's shirt.
"Hmm?" Matt murmured in reply not wanting to break the peace that was finally between them. Gabby lifted her head upwards without ever breaking contact.
"I feel like who I am, the actual essence of me has been lost. All I am now is 'that pregnant lecturer with the CFD' and nothing more," she explained. Matt gave her a soft smile encouraging her to continue talking whilst brushing her hair out of her face, looping it behind her ears. The best thing he could do now was let her speak. "No one asks how I am anymore, no one seems to care what I'm interested in or what I'm doing now. Everything has been replaced by 'is everything okay with the baby?' And people just don't remember that I still exist in a role that is separate from a pregnant woman… It frustrates me, Matt. I've disappeared behind my bump. What do people see when they look at me? A mother. Matt I've wanted this for so long. Everything that we've been through I wouldn't change it for the world, and I wouldn't change anything over the last 25 weeks since we found about our growing family. But I still need to be Gabby Casey. I still need to know that I can do my job once Smudge is here - that I'm still going to be able to jump in for a shift on Truck, that I'm still going to be able to control a scene as a PIC. That not all of who I am will be Smudge's mother…" she tried to explain, looking down unable to look her husband in the eyes for the fear that she would see hurt and resentment in them.
Matt paused for a moment, wondering what it was he could say to make this better. Not everything could be solved with words and reassurances but the fact that Gabby had even given her fears a voice was a start. "No Baby, it's okay to feel like that. Everything in our lives is changing and it's okay to be scary. I know because I am too. Smudge is so lucky to have you, you're going to be an amazing mother because you're an amazing wife. Let me love you Gabby… Let me take this one… Let me be your husband."
~ His skin is still wrinkly, but as fat accumulates, he will fill out ~
So here it was, a chapter a term later and a smidge under 8500 words. I really hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think!
Reminder – I'm hoping that it's not too long a wait, I would love if I could have more chapters for the end of Season Five. Honestly I had planned to get the rest of the chapters written and then go back to posting once a week, but it just hasn't happened. You might have been waiting another six months for that :D