I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.

Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts and feelings as well as anxiety, eating problems and quite in-depth description of self-harm and injury so if any of this is going to trigger you, please do not read.

A/N: Here is chapter nine, writing this almost made me cry, it is a sad day when your own writing makes you emotional. Anyways, if you enjoy it to please leave me a review I worked really hard on this chapter and it's the longest one so far! Also, sorry for any mistakes and as always enjoy :)

Caitlin woke up first the next day. She glanced over and saw Cisco's peacefully sleeping form, still loosely holding her in the position they had fallen asleep in. She smiled softly, he looked so calm and happy that she didn't want to ruin the moment, and wake him up, making him the face the struggle that he went through when he was awake. Still though, her alarm was going to go off in three minutes and then they would have to wake up. Deciding to spare him from waking up to the shrill beeping of the alarm, she switched it off and began to run her hand through Cisco's hair, gently waking him up. "Cisco, we have to go to work." The man next to her let out an illegible moan and pushed his face deeper into her side, trying to ignore the outside world, "Cisco," she shook him gently.

"Okay, okay I'm awake," he put his hands up in mock surrender and rolled away from the doctor.

"You can lay here for a little while longer, while I take a shower, just don't go back to sleep alright," she told him, Cisco nodded taking his phone off her bedside table and opening Instagram, so he had something to distract himself while Cait wasn't with him, "I'll leave the door open," she let him know, before she left the bedroom. Cisco sat on his phone for about ten minutes before rolling out of bed and getting changed, if he did it now, he could spend more time with Cait when she came out of the bathroom. He had just finished making the bed for her, knowing how she liked to keep things clean and neat, when Caitlin finally emerged from taking her shower. "Hey thanks," she said, a pleased smile appearing on her face, when she saw the made bed, she was towelling her hair dry and was dressed in one of her work dresses, her feet still bare though, obviously with the intention of wearing heels to Starlabs that day. "You can go use the bathroom now, if you're okay going alone that is," she told him, leaving the option open for him to request she go with him.

"No, I'll be fine," he told her, he just planned to be in their long enough to use the facilities, wash his face and run a comb through his hair, he would be okay for that amount of time. But still, he left the door unlocked, trying to make it feel like there wasn't a boundary between them. He rushed through getting ready only spending about five minutes in the bathroom. He almost ran back into the bedroom, desperate not to be alone anymore. He plonked himself on the edge of the bed and watched as Caitlin curled her hair, obviously having just finished drying it. When she was done, she turned to him with a smile, she hadn't put on her makeup yet, and her face looked so open and welcoming, he couldn't help but return the smile,

"Are you okay?" she questioned,

"Hmm," he confirmed with a hum.

"I'm going to put on my makeup and then we can grab some breakfast and go," she told him, when she stood up, Cisco copied shifting awkwardly on his feet behind her,

"C-can I c-come with?" he mumbled, looking at the ground, the thought of eating made him anxious, and he didn't feel he could be alone right now,

"Sure, come on," she gave him a little wave of her hand before looping her arm into his and began to jokingly skip towards the bathroom, pulling Cisco long with her. He smiled and sat down on the toilet, watching as Caitlin put on her makeup, pretty quickly and then let her pull him into the kitchen where she chucked him a banana and instructed him to, "eat." It wasn't a big amount of food and with Caitlin eating her orange next to him, he felt confident enough to eat the whole banana without any problems. "Well done," she said with sincerity, when she saw him finish eating the whole banana. She finished her orange around the same time and they both went and washed their hands and brushed their teeth, before grabbing their things and heading to Starlabs for their final day of work, before their weekend off.

At work Cisco was trying to get through the day, he had pretty much run to his Bunsen burner when he got to his lab, craving the release that only causing himself pain could give him. Once he had got his craved release he sat down and worked on weapons that they could possibly use to stop Savitar. He had brought a sandwich with him to work, promising Caitlin, he would eat it. She believed him, wanting to give him some space, knowing she couldn't hover over him all the time and if he didn't eat if, she could make sure he had a decent sized dinner. This meant that Cisco went through almost the whole day without seeing her. They passed each other in the corridors and the cortex a couple of times but they didn't really stop to talk. Cisco knew he could go to Caitlin and tell her he needed to work near her for a while, and she would allow him, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He wanted to keep his promise to the doctor though and so at half two he managed to eat his sandwich, his body instantly wanted to throw it up, but copying the deep breathing Cait had taught him, he managed to keep the food down. This unfortunately for him though, raised the amount of chaos going on his mind, 'No one wants you here', his mind told him, 'You're not helping the team in anyway that's why they were so eager to get rid of you for the weekend'. 'You're a burden to Caitlin, she is only doing it because she's nice not because she cares about you, she'll get bored and leave, people always do'. He flinched violently at that last thought that had invaded his mind. He needed it to stop, and he needed it to stop now. He thought about being alone with Caitlin all weekend, he didn't want to be a burden to her, and he was the easiest to deal with, after he had hurt himself, it kept him calm, but to keep him calm for a whole weekend he was need something stronger than the light burns he had been doing. He considered cutting himself for a moment, before deciding against it. He felt he would need a good number of them, to provide the relied on he needed and by tomorrow they would be healed enough to not cause him any pain. Plus, bright red wounds on his body would obviously attract the attention of the doctor, no matter how hard he tried to hide them from her. Burns were still his safest option, he decided. But he needed it to last longer, so he could get through the whole weekend. He only needed a couple of them as well, so if he did them on his left wrist, he could hide them easily from Caitlin. Making up his mind, he went searching through his draws until he found some bobby-pins that were surprisingly useful tools when working on some of the more intricate parts of his projects. He began to heat it up on the Bunsen burner, when he felt it become hot in his hand, he moved it away from the flame and allowed it thirty seconds for it to cool down, he subsequently placed the metal firmly against his wrist and he felt a searing pain in his wrist, which ran down his arm and hurt like crazy. Yet he continued to press the metal firmly on his arm, until it was cool. When he lifted it up from his wrist he saw a black line, where charcoal from the hot metal had been left. Deciding he needed to do one more, even though his wrist was throbbing like crazy, he held the metal bobby-pin to the flame once more, waiting for it to get scolding hot, this time waiting only twenty seconds away from the flame, before pressing it hard on is skin just below the other one. The pain was awful, he knew he was going to regret it, but he kept holding it down, not thinking clearly just craving a release. When it had cooled for a second time, he lifted it from his arm, and brushed off the charcoal from both burns, they were red and angry but trying to think about it too much he rolled his sleeve back down.

He had tried to keep working, but this time the pain he had caused himself seemed to be more of a hinderance than an aid. His arm was stinging and burning like mad, and he felt himself sweating heavily from the sensation. He hadn't looked at himself, but he knew he was pale, yet he tried to ignore it and drank some water, keeping telling himself that its just because they were fresh and by the time, he went home with Cait, he would be alright. It was about half an hour before Cisco was supposed to leave for the night when he bumped his arm against the corner of the workbench. His fresh burns hit the counter and he yelped out in pain. He couldn't stop the tears forming in his eyes and he sniffled loudly, as he rolled down his sleeve, dreading what he was going to see. It was not pleasant to say the least. All being said, it wasn't that bad, but needed treatment immediately so there wouldn't be severe consequences. It was red and starting to blister. "Shit," he whispered harshly. He knew then he had seriously messed up. He needed to see Caitlin, but he couldn't seem to get his legs to move. He started properly crying then, whimpers of physical and emotional pain escaped him and all he could think of was how much he wanted Caitlin.

Barry had been passing by when he heard sounds of what he thought was crying coming from Cisco's lab, remembering what Caitlin had said to him the other day, he decided to stick his head in just to make sure everything was alright. What he did not expect do see Cisco sat on the floor of his lab, knees pulled tightly into his chest, holding onto his arm and staring at it, like his life depended on it, sobbing. "Cisco, hey man, what's going on?" He asked gently, trying not to scare him. His head snapping up at the noise of another person's voice, Cisco's eyes met Barry's and a look of complete panic washed over his features and he whipped his arm behind his back. Being a speedster though, Barry caught a glimpse of what looked like bad burns but were in way to neat of lines to be accidental. But Barry being the kind man he was, didn't immediately jump down the scientist's through, instead took a second to observe the other man, it was clear he was uncomfortable by the speedster's presence, and he had hidden the burns so fast, it made Barry know, that Cisco didn't want him to see them. But he was also not comfortable leaving the man crying on the floor, "Cisco," he spoke gently, sitting on the floor in front of him so he was towering over the crying man, "What do you need me to do?" he asked him. There was a pause and Cisco sniffled and then spoke, his voice was broken and strained,

"Get Cait," he said, "p-p-please get C-Cait," he begged this time, before his face crumbled all over again and his head was on his knees, and he was sobbing harshly again. Barry didn't need anymore, he ran as fast as he could, without crashing into any walls, searching him the building to find the doctor. When he found her in the med-bay organising medical supplies, he came to a harsh stop, her loose hair flying into her face.

"Barry!" she exclaimed shocked, she turned to him with a slightly amused smile on her face, about to jokingly scold him for messing up her hair but when she saw the look on his face, the smile dropped, "what happened?" she asked quickly,

"Cisco," was the response she got,

"Where?"

"His lab," Barry told her,

"Thanks," she called over her shoulder before taking off in a run, to get to her friend. Judging by the look on Barry's face this was extremely serious. She ran as fast as she could in her heels, skidding to a stop outside the scientist's lab door. Seeing him curled up on the floor, a broken mess, Caitlin's heart shattered. "Hey, it's okay, I'm here sweetheart. I've got you." She sat on the floor next to him and pulled him onto her lap. As soon as Cisco processed who was holding him, he threw himself into the hug, clinging tightly, trying to stop the harsh crying, he felt the doctor's hand rub soothingly on his back and tucked his face into the crook of her neck. She let him completely kola around her and continued to rub his back and whisper reassurances into his ear. Ten minutes later, he was still crying but it was quieter, and Caitlin pulled away from him a little bit, so she could turn him in her lap, she handed him a tissue and let him wipe his eyes before she spoke again, "What happened?" she asked gently. He couldn't find the words to answer her question, his crying became harder again and so, in response, he moved his arm in a way that allowed her to see the burns.