I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.
Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts and feelings as well as anxiety, eating problems and self-harm so if any of this is going to trigger you, please do not read.
A/N: Here is the twelfth chapter peoples, this is my longest story ever which is just insane, and I have more to go. Next chapter is going to be light and fluffy I promise. I've also decided Cisco is going to get proper help in Chapter 15, so its coming real soon. If you like this chapter let me know via review! And, sorry for any mistakes and please enjoy chapter twelve :)
That evening, after Cisco's confession, Caitlin made sure to keep close to her best friend, it hurt her terribly to see how broken he was feeling, she knew how it felt to feel so broken that you don't believe that your fixable, that your life doesn't seem to hold any value anymore. You keep pushing on with your life, surviving not living, just trying to get to the next day and then the next and then the next, with no goal no real purpose. Cisco seemed grateful for the close contact and the two watched the second and third Harry Potter movies together, they snacked lightly instead of having lunch as they had woken up so late, and when the time for dinner rolled around Caitlin ordered food from their favourite Chinese place and they sat together talking happily about good memories they shared, trying to keep things light even though they were both aware of the dark shadow surrounding them, in the form of Cisco's mental health. They continued with their familiar growing routine, Cisco going to take a shower with Caitlin sitting in the bathroom with him, so he wasn't alone. Before he stepped under the cool water, Caitlin reached out, "Let me help you," she indicated to his bandaged wrist, he held out his arm gratefully to her, and she carefully unbandaged the wounds, keeping them a quick glance over and nodded letting him get into the shower. His shower was a little longer than yesterday but was still quick, he was grateful that he didn't have to hide his wounds and was able to reach out to grab his towel without any concern. Once it was secured around his waist he stepped out from behind the curtain, "Do you want me to stay or go?" Caitlin asked him,
"Stay please," he requested. Caitlin nodded and spun away to face the wall as Cisco got dressed in his pyjamas, "Cait could you wrap my wrist back up it kind of hurts again," the scientist asked,
"Sure hon," the doctor responded, and she turned back around to go and look at his wrist. Once it was all patched up she told him to go and grab his favourite ice-cream from the fridge, while she got changed and then come back into the bedroom, he did as he was told grabbing the tub of mint chocolate ice-cream and a couple of spoons and returning to the bedroom, Caitlin wasn't there so he perched on her bed waiting for a minute, she was back quickly, changed into pyjamas, "Come on movie night with ice-cream!" she told him. She looked excited and even though his stomach still hurt he nodded along with her and gave her a grin, it didn't quite meet his eyes, but Cait didn't seem to notice already queuing up an old comedy movie on her laptop for them to watch in bed. She sat on the bed and pulled the covers over her legs, "Come sit," she demanded, he instantly followed her request and joined her in bed slinging an arm casually around her shoulders, letting her lean her head against his as she pressed play on the movie. Caitlin opened the tub of ice-cream and took one of the spoons eating it straight from the tub, in bed. Cisco couldn't remember a moment when Cait seemed this causal, it made his smile a little and he reached over and took a small amount of the ice-cream onto his spoon, he ate it and glanced over at Caitlin who was grinning at him, it made him so happy to see her so happy that it encouraged him to take another spoonful. He didn't have anymore after that, but it didn't matter because Caitlin manged to eat half the tub of ice-cream herself, "oops," she said when she saw how much she had eaten, she giggled. Her face lighting up, "Well we'd better get some rest," she said, getting out of bed and returning the ice-cream to the freezer and brushing her teeth, Cisco did the same and they both got into her bed, falling asleep quickly.
When Cisco woke up on Sunday, Caitlin was no where to be seen. Instantly the scientist began to panic, and the worst thoughts flooded his mind, she had become fed up and annoyed with him and left or she had been kidnapped. He tried to reason his mind, this was her apartment so she wouldn't have just left him here, if she got fed up with him and the door was locked, and he hadn't been kidnapped so the chances of her being kidnapped where really low. He looked at the clock, it was about nine-thirty, he listened carefully and heard the water running, she was in the shower. He felt relived for a moment, knowing she was still in the apartment, she had probably thought he wouldn't be awake until she was out again like yesterday, or she had wanted to let him sleep a little longer. Still the relief was short lived as Cisco's skin began to crawl and he felt the familiar itching sensation that came with the urge to hurt himself or worse, he sighed. He was really getting annoyed of feeling like this. He needed Cait, he didn't know how long she had been in the shower, so he didn't know when she would come back, he felt a little ridiculous going to her if she was almost done, but he didn't know how long he could wait before he lost the battle against his urges. He sat there for a minute, trying to think about ways to distract himself when it didn't work, he got up and moved out of the bedroom, hoping that just wandering around would be a good enough distraction. He ended up in the kitchen, his stomach hurt, and the thought of food made him even more anxious, his eyes landed on Cait's kitchen knives. 'Nope'. He needed to get out of here now, he rushed out of the kitchen and ended up outside the bathroom, the water was still running, indicating she was still in the shower. Maybe she hadn't locked the door, he tried the handle. Thankfully, it was unlocked, obviously she had been prepared just in case he woke up and needed her. He stepped into the steam filled room, "Cait," he called out softly in an attempt not to scare her. He was unsuccessful she let out a little yelp of surprise and he could hear her slip in the shower, luckily there wasn't the thump of her hitting the floor of the shower, so she hadn't completely fallen over, "sorry I didn't mean to scare you," he called out. She stuck her head out from behind the curtain,
"Don't worry, I just didn't expect you that's all, I thought you were still asleep," she told him,
"Sorry, I can go," he mumbled shifting awkwardly on his feet,
"No hon, it's okay you can stay, I'm almost done, just give me five minutes," her head disappeared behind the curtain again,
"No rush," he told her, still feeling a little bad about scaring her. He sat down on the closed toilet like she did when he was showering and listened to her humming to herself, it was 'Poker face' which made him smile, a proper smile. True to her word five minutes later the water was turned off and Caitlin's pale hand stuck out from behind the curtain, she stepped out a moment later, her hair dripping down the back of her towel, she looked at him with a soft smile,
"Hi," she said,
"Hi," he responded, he stood there for a second before practically throwing himself at the woman. Luckily, she reacted quickly and caught him in her arms, he was getting wet, but he didn't care. He was shaking from anxiety, but not crying thankfully, at this point he felt like he didn't have any tears left to shed. She rubbed his back soothingly,
"What happened hon," she spoke softly, Cisco pulled back suddenly and looked at her embarrassed, he couldn't believe that we woke up and couldn't control himself enough to get through ten minutes by himself without thinking about self-harm that he had to burst into the bathroom while his best friend was in the shower and cling to her while she was only wrapped up in a towel,
"Sorry," he mumbled,
"Hey," she lifted his chin up gently so he was forced to look at her, "don't do that, don't apologise and clam up, tell me what happened maybe I can help," she told him.
"But I ran in while you were in the shower and I didn't even give you a chance to get dressed before I put my problems on you," he said, still looking apologetic.
"Cisco," she sighed, "I don't care, do I really look like I do? I have boundaries and I promise you haven't crossed any I would let you know if you did, right now my priority is you and if you came rushing into the bathroom while I was fully naked in the middle of the room or even on the toilet, because you thought you were a danger to yourself I'd rather have that then you do something that harms you." She told him seriously. He nodded, his features relaxing a little,
"Though I would like it if you only ran in on me, while I was on the toilet, if it is an emergency," she joked, giving him a mock thoughtful look, like she was deeply considering him doing such a thing. He laughed a little and hugged her again, feeling much better within himself, he wished his mind didn't instantly go to a bad place when he felt like he was bothering Caitlin, but with the help she had promised to help him receive, he hoped that it wouldn't be such an issue anymore. When he eventually pulled away again Caitlin led him out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom, so they could both perch on the end of the bed, "Now tell me what happened," she said gently, taking his hand,
"I woke up and when you weren't there, I panicked thinking you left or had been kidnapped or something. Then I heard the shower, and I relaxed a little bit, but then my skin got all itchy and all I could think about was hurting myself, I got up and walked around a little hoping to stop that feeling but when I got to the kitchen, I saw the knives and the urge became too overwhelming and I needed to be with you, so I couldn't do anything stupid," he explained to her.
"Its really good you came to me, that's a really good improvement Cisco, you are doing so well," she let him know, "I'm sorry you got scared when you woke up, I thought I'd be finished before you woke up, if this happens again, I leave you a note, alright, so you will know exactly where I am."
"Thanks," he mumbled, "I shouldn't have freaked out though," he rubbed his nose uncomfortable at his reaction to waking up alone.
"It's alright," she told him, "You're having a hard time at the moment," she sounded so understanding it made Cisco feel incredibly safe. "I will never lock doors, apart from the front one obviously," she let him know, "so you can always come find me." Cisco nodded again, "We should get changed, I'm still in my towel and I've gotten your pyjamas all wet." Cisco looked down to see she was right, his shirt was clinging to his chest, where he had leaned against her in a hug. Luckily, they had been dry enough, when they left the bathroom that they hadn't got the bed sheets wet. Cisco didn't move from the bed when she stood up though, she looked at him curiously but didn't say anything, she understood he was having a moment and needed not to think for a second, so she grabbed some clothes for him and steered him into the bathroom, "I'll be right outside the door," she let him know,
"Thanks," he said, and Caitlin pulled the door up, so it was almost closed.