I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.
Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts and almost actions and feelings as well as anxiety, eating problems and in-depth descriptions of self-harm so if any of this is going to trigger you, please do not read.
A/N: Here is chapter seventeen, it's the longest one so far! Cisco is struggling again this chapter and will be in the next one to just a little warning. Recovery is all over the place and I want to show that, also I like writing hurt/comfort. If you enjoy this chapter, please leave me a review those are awesome and sorry for any mistakes. Enjoy!
Cisco woke up the morning after his sixth therapy appointment, not feeling good at all. His medication side effects had worn off a while ago and eating was slowly becoming easier again, but he could feel that today would be a bad day. He had a good week, up until this day, he wasn't better, but things had been easier and the bad thoughts he had been having had lessened significantly, today though, all that progress felt like nothing. He should tell Caitlin, it would be the smart thing to do, but she had been so proud of him with all the progress he had been making, he felt like he would be letting her if he told her how he was feeling right now, so he ignored it, a mistake he would regret making later. He pretended to be asleep when the doctors alarm clock went off and then slowly woke up at the same time as her, giving her the false impression that everything was okay, "Good morning," she croaked out, her voice thick with sleep,
"Morning," he responded, not quiet meeting her eye, she didn't notice this however, as she was too busy getting out of bed, he watched her as she left the room and listened to her switching on the water of the shower. Once he was sure she was under the water, he got out of bed, he needed the terrible thoughts that had invaded his mind to stop, this wasn't progress he was going backwards, and that thought was terrifying to him. He knew how to make the thoughts stop, he had done it before, he briefly glanced down at the burn scars that were on his wrists. He remembered the pain he felt when he had done them and the pain he felt while they healed, but right now that didn't bother him, that was exactly what he needed, this would keep him improving, it would help him get through today, because this was just one bad day right? If he could do what he needed to, to get through this one day, things would be better tomorrow. He was trying to reason with himself, a small logical part of him, was telling him that he shouldn't be doing this, that he should get Caitlin, tell her how he was feeling and that he needed her to stay with him today. A larger, louder part of him was screaming at him to die and it squashed down the logical part of him, to a point where he couldn't here it anymore. He searched through her draws, feeling like he was invading her privacy, until he found what he was looking for, his took one of his razors out of the draw and pocketed it. There had been many in there and he just shaved the other day, so she shouldn't notice one missing. It felt it was safer to cut himself this time than risk burning again, because that had been incredibly painful last time and with him showering on his own now and the weather becoming colder and wearing longer-sleeved shirts she wouldn't notice the cuts. The fact that he was thinking about how to hide his wounds from the doctor should have been a warning sign to Cisco, but he didn't notice, to busy thinking about his best opportunity to use the blade. He quickly got dressed when he heard the water shut off, knowing he would only have a few minutes before the doctor emerged. When she did enter the room talking about breakfast, Cisco immediately felt sick, he was lying to her by not telling her how he was feeling but he couldn't, he was improving, he had to be and telling her how he was feeling would mean that he wasn't, and he would be a disappointment to her. No, he wouldn't tell her, but he needed to cut, and he needed to now, she was looking at him expectantly, she had asked him something,
"Sorry, what did you say?" he asked, she looked at him with concern on her face,
"I asked if you were happy with French toast for breakfast," she repeated her question,
"Yeah, sure that sounds great Cait," he told her, putting a small smile on his face,
"Is everything alright Cisco?" she asked concerned,
"Yeah, yeah I'm just tired is all," he told her, she nodded but didn't look to sure, he felt himself panicking a little, "I have to pee," he blurted out, hurrying out of the room and into the bathroom. Once he was in there, he shut the door, but didn't lock it knowing that would be a warning sign to Caitlin and broke apart his razor. He took the blade into his hand and started making a few lines on his forearm, he watched the blood and felt the pain, a familiar feeling of relief taking over him. Oh, how he had missed this, he felt better almost instantly. He could hear Caitlin moving around in the kitchen and he quickly got to work cleaning himself up, he wiped away the worst of the blood with toilet paper and then took a few more squares placing it over the bleeding wounds and holding it in place on his arm with a rubber band, she would defiantly notice if he went through her first aid kit. He washed the blade and put it in his pocket, with the rest of the razor, he could get rid of that at Starlabs. He throws the bloody toilet paper into the toilet and flushed, before washing his hands and exiting the bathroom as casually as possible,
"Better?" Caitlin asked him, when he entered the kitchen, she had already made two pieces of French toast and was working on the second two, Cisco looked at her confused, so she elaborated, "You rushed out quickly," she told him,
"Oh yeah, sorry I just really had to go," he told her, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, luckily, she took his uncomfortableness as him feeling awkward about running out of the room so fast and not because he just hurt himself,
"It's okay," she told him, she plated the other two pieces of French toast, "Sit down and have some breakfast," she said. He did as she told him and sat down, ready to eat his breakfast, the self-harm had made him feel a lot better about eating and he was glad he had done it.
Cisco should have asked Caitlin to stay with him when he worked today. He knew that now, two hours into working alone in his lab, his head was getting loud again, and he had to actually move the Bunsen burner out of sight so he would stop looking at it. He had disposed of the handle of the razor as soon as he arrived, but the blade was burning a hole in his pocket, and the temptation to use it again, was growing with each passing second. He tried to think up an excuse so he could go talk to Caitlin for a moment, just being not alone for a moment might help stop the chaos in his mind. However, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't come up with anything, he didn't need anything that her qualifications as a doctor could provide him with nor could he think or anything he would need a bio-chemist's help with. He sighed frustrated and face-planted on his desk, he couldn't just go up and ask to stay with her for a while, then she would know something was up and he was already in too deep to let that happened. He sighed again and became acutely aware of the blade in his pocket, once again. He sighed for a third time, resigning himself to the thing he craved he most, it was a risk doing it in his lab, but he couldn't be bothered to get up and move, he took the blade and made a few cuts, and then a few more and then a few more after that. His arm was now littered in them, and he knew he had to be rally careful of Caitlin spotting them now, but he felt better and at the moment that's all he cared about. He had a first aid kit in his lab, it just held the basics, but he was able to clean and bandage up his arm, he then stuffed everything he had used deep into a draw, he would wait until a safe moment when he knew he wouldn't be seen to dispose of them. When Caitlin entered his lab for lunch, Cisco was behaving normally, the cuts really seemed to have worked and he was able to chat to Cait causally about what he was working on, she didn't seem suspicious in anyway, which made Cisco feel good, she thought he was still improving and he was feeling better it was a win, win situation, he smiled at her when she left his lab, he had got this, everything was under control.
Caitlin had gone out, she needed to speak to Joe about a meta-human that was terrorising central city at the moment, and she couldn't get a hold of him on her phone and Barry wasn't around. Cisco said he would be okay, and Wells was around so it wasn't like he was completely alone in Starlabs, not that he would probably run into Wells, but that was merely a technicality. She said she wouldn't be gone long half an hour at most, he thought he'd be fine, his cuts made him feel better and he could handle this. Twenty minutes had passed, and Cisco's head was loud. Like really loud, 'you need to die,' it told him, 'This is your opportunity, Cait isn't here, you can do it', his head spoke again, 'if you don't do it, you're just being pathetic and selfish'. "Shut up," Cisco said, "shut up, shut up, shut up!" he chanted on repeat, his hands went up to cover his ears, not that it did anything, the voices her internal not external. He rushed to Cait's lab, hoping that being in their would bring him some comfort. He sat down in her chair, his eyes darting around her lab in anxiety, in the corner of the room stood a cupboard, it was filled with all different kinds of medical things, stuff to run tests and things to help the team recover if they got any injuries and pills, lots and lots of pills of all different kinds. He got up and opened the cupboard curiously, he located the pills and looked through them, there were so many, she wouldn't notice right? Before he could stop himself, he grabbed several different boxes that were sitting right at the back of the cupboard, he didn't even look to see what he had taken, he just felt like he needed them, really badly. He looked at the pills in the cupboard again, you couldn't see any difference, she wouldn't notice unless she went looking in the back and the pills at the back had to be there for a reason, she probably used them the least. He stuffed the boxes in his pockets and closed the door, leaving the lab quickly knowing she could return at any moment. When he reached his lab again, he moved the pills from his pockets to the bottom of his bag, they were noticeable in his pockets unlike the blade, He thought about what he did for a moment, he had stolen from his best-friend, but he had needed them. It wasn't that he was even going to take them, he just needed to have a way out, if things did get too bad, he would be able to do it, to die. He wasn't going to take them today. He reasoned with himself, what he had done was okay, he hadn't messed up, he hadn't done anything wrong. His mind was twisted, and it was just getting worse as the terrible day he was having progressed.
Caitlin hadn't noticed anything was off with Cisco or with her medical things in her lab, other than the slightly weird interaction she had with him this morning, everything had seemed normal, he had even been alright when she left Starlabs for a short while. He was doing better every day, and she was happy to see that. Cisco was extra cuddly that evening, he had sat close to her on the couch while they spent some quiet time, recovering from their workday together and then held her hand while they were eating. This happened quite often so Cait didn't think to much of it. She presumed it was because of the lack of time they had spent together today, or what was happening this evening. However, Cisco had forgotten the steps they were taking this evening at it came as a surprise to him, when the doctor spoke to him about it later that evening. "So, Cisco, we are going to close the door today," she told him gently, "but I'll be right outside, and you can call me if you need anything, I'm not going to leave," she let him know. Despite himself Cisco's eyes widened, he had forgotten all about the closed door, up until now Caitlin had been sitting outside the door while it was still open slightly, to the average person that wouldn't have seen like a big difference, but to Cisco it meant everything. The closed door indicated a boundary that was put between him and the only person who made him feel safe, he felt far away and alone when there was a closed door between them. Still, he nodded, he knew this had been coming, just because he forgot and had a bad day didn't mean he could back out, he should be able to handle this, he wasn't a child. Caitlin turned on the water for him like usual and then stepped outside the door closing it gently behind her. At once Cisco's breathing picked up, he couldn't do this, it was too hard. He took a deep breathe, "Don't be pathetic!" he whispered to himself angrily, he got undressed and stepped under the water, intending to make this the quickest shower of his life. He hissed as his cuts hit the warm water, they stung and hurt, but in a way that comforted him. He started to shower, then his mind flashed to him stealing the pills and his head became loud, he needed to die, he shook his head, he could do this, tears began to burn in his eyes, he could do this, his legs became shaky and his knees were about to give out, he couldn't do this, he needed Caitlin, he thought briefly about his arms, but he didn't care, he couldn't do this it was to hard,
"Caitlin," he yelled, he was openly crying now he didn't care. He stopped the shower and grabbed his towel, "Caitlin," he yelled again, he heard the door open, and he almost fell, rushing to get out of the shower and get to her. He was still kind of soapy, but he couldn't find it in himself to care, he ran, slipping on the tiled floor and fell into Caitlin's arm's sobbing. "I can't do this, don't make me do this," he cried,
"It's alright, I'm here, don't worry Cisco, I'm right here," she comforted him, holding him tight in her arms,
"Don't l-leave m-me," he stuttered out, voice weak from crying.
"I won't, I'm not going anywhere, I promise," she told him. Feeling reassured, safe and loved Cisco felt the words spilling out of his mouth before he could stop them,
"Cait… I did something bad."