Chapter 16
The Fine Line of Friendship
When I woke up the next morning, I still couldn't get Regulus' words out of my head. It seemed impossible that he would be kind-hearted enough to give some sort of hint about my mum but he asked if I'd read the papers, maybe to confirm if I'd known.
He was utterly vile, unbothered by using slurs against muggles and muggleborns. He only seemed interested in speaking with me after learning my family background, and I still couldn't figure out how he found out. Had the Death Eaters known she moved to London? Did they know some sort of charm to detect purebloods in the area for recruitment?
I still couldn't wrap around my head why he would bother giving me a hint anyway. It wasn't a particularly helpful hint since my mum had moved out anyway. But it was something. He told me to avoid Diagon Alley. Possibly because they were watching it? Were they waiting to see if she would return?
Sirius was still convinced he could get his brother out. I remembered their discussion last year outside our Potions class. Even if he hardly ever spoke about Regulus to me, I could tell he still cared a great deal about him. I suppose anyone would for family. Even if his parents were completely brutal, I didn't blame him for trying for his younger brother.
Perhaps he saw something in Regulus that could possibly shift his opinion to the light? I probably would have believed it if I wasn't so doubtful about the potential hint. Maybe he was trying to dupe me into thinking they were watching Diagon Alley, but really they knew she wasn't coming back. An effort to surprise us maybe.
But I also doubted my mother was important enough to Voldemort and his lackeys to make such a diversion. When she denied their company, they blasted her flat in a clear effort to kill. They had one goal and if they couldn't achieve it, killing was the most viable option. There was no in between.
I decided not to dwell on it further. During Potions that morning, Regulus carried on without acknowledging me at all. I proceeded with my routine to set as much distance between us as possible and he didn't look in my direction once. It was as if we hadn't spoken at all, and I think I preferred that. But for his sake and his brother's, I hoped it was a hint. I wanted to believe he had some sense of morality within him still, and one day it would be enough to get him out.
Lacey thankfully didn't notice anything strange with me that morning. I decided not to confide in her about it, simply because she would butt in and try to find more signs of Regulus' 'good side.' I wasn't ready to listen to her conspiracy theories about him either.
I excused myself after Potions to visit the owlery and send the letter to my mum. I also wrote a short note to my dad to inform him about her new arrangements. Despite the weird moment in the library, I felt significantly lighter on my feet with the letters in hand. I knew how happy my mum would be after reading it, and after what she's been through, she deserved it.
Smiling to myself and deep in my thoughts, I nearly rammed into someone as I made a turn to the owlery staircase. I abruptly stopped, shoes digging into the soil and immediately gripping the railing to keep my balance.
I found myself face to face with Sirius, who was jogging down the steps in his usual pace and stopped when I suddenly appeared. I felt my stomach flip, realizing it was the first time I'd seen him since our row yesterday. I didn't expect to see him so soon since our meetings were irregular on weekdays, sharing no classes together and meal times weren't a guarantee either.
For a moment, we stared at each other in uncomfortable silence. I watched him jerk his head to the side to move his bangs out of his eyes. He wore his Hogwarts robes but his tie was missing, white button down underneath slightly open at the top, adding to his rugged but handsome appeal.
It was strangely difficult to stare at him and think of something appropriate to say at the same time. I tried not to give him much thought since our conversation in my dormitory but I caught myself hoping to run into him like this more than twice. I felt pathetic.
Probably because I felt so bad about starting a row in the first place. In reality, he was there as my friend and he did know how I must have felt. He insisted on staying with me since he must have known I would think of doing something rash and thoughtless. I wondered if he'd decided on anything stupid after an emotional breakdown care of Voldemort too.
"I'm sorry." I finally found my voice, avoiding his eyes and looking down. I was afraid looking at him would trigger me to go mute again, and I wasn't prepared for a staring contest while stuck in my disarrayed thoughts.
"Really?" Sirius replied in humorous disbelief.
Feeling the tension in the air lift, I slowly lifted my head with narrowed eyes.
"What d'you mean really?" I asked suspiciously.
"You just don't seem like the type to apologize for anything," Sirius said jokingly.
"Are you really insulting me right now?" I snapped, irked by his peppy mood but thankful at the same time. I wasn't ready for an intimate heart to heart of apologies by all means.
"Just trying to lighten up the mood," he chuckled, leaning against the stone wall of the owlery and his hands deep in the pockets of his trousers.
My posture softened and I crossed my arms.
"Well, I am sorry, Sirius," I said awkwardly. "I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind."
"You've nothing to apologize for," he said lightly with a close-lipped smile. "Totally understandable and no hard feelings."
"Brilliant," I said with a tight nod. "So, friends again?"
"You do know people remain friends even after getting into rows, right?" he said, eyes glinting.
I shot him a light-hearted glare.
"I'm sorry too," he added, voice soft.
"It's whatever." I waved him off. "She's fine anyway. That's all that matters."
Sirius reached out his hand and placed his palm over my head, patting it twice. A shiver ran down my spine at his touch and I nearly flinched away, as if electricity burning through his fingers and my heart rate sped up.
"It doesn't look like whatever," he chuckled, looking at me curiously as he drew back his hand. "Have you got a fever? Your face is all red."
"Mhm, yeah, maybe that's it," I said quickly, barely registering what I was agreeing to.
"Better head to the Hospital Wing then," he suggested. "Think a good pepper up would help."
"No need." I took two steps up, avoiding his eyes. "I've got to send these letters now."
"Wait, Monica."
He took hold of my hand and I spun around at the tug. My lightheadedness around him was reaching disastrous levels. He was standing one step below me but his height enabled us to look eye to eye. He wasn't leaning against the pavement anymore, standing straight in front of me with a determined expression on his face.
His hand was warm against my palm, which was limp in his grip. I wanted to take a step back but we were on a staircase. So unless I wanted to step backwards and risk myself tripping over, I was stuck in the position close to him.
"Yeah?" I said weakly, voice two octaves too high and face burning up as I forced myself to return his gaze.
"I'll find out who was there at Diagon Alley," he said, tone soft but cutting with determination. "I'll find them and put them in Azkaban."
A wave of affection washed over me and I probably could have kissed him for the offer if it weren't so inappropriate.
"Okay," I said lamely, utterly confused with my feelings at the moment. Then I chuckled and added, "Guess I can live off you for my vengeance first. Then I'll become a better witch and join the Order when I finish school."
"Goal is to take him down within the next year," Sirius said. "When you leave Hogwarts, you could live a normal life."
"That would be ideal," I admitted, laughing a bit. "Don't think I can take the internship at the Daily Prophet at this point. So I probably still wouldn't know what I'd like to do after Hogwarts."
"They could relocate," Sirius said encouragingly. "Tons of businesses in Diagon Alley have gone somewhere else. Especially the essential ones. The Daily Prophet's got to carry on operations somewhere."
I blinked, considering the thought. I felt him squeeze my hand and the entire time I hadn't forgotten he still held it. It seemed like the only thing teasing my brain as I struggled to form coherent sentences to reply.
"Apply, yeah?" he said.
"Yeah, sure, I will," I said hurriedly, my mind on red alert that any additional second in this position I could actually pass out.
He finally released my hand then patted my head twice again. I wondered when that became a thing.
"I'm off to Herbology," he said, turning and walking the remaining steps down. "See you, Mon."
"Sirius," I called, feeling significantly more and more empty the farther he walked.
"Yeah?" he said, stopping on the grass and looking back.
"Your brother," I began, voice shaky but determined to tell him. "He said something weird to me last night."
"How weird?" Sirius frowned.
"I saw him in the library and he told me not to get a flat in Diagon Alley even if the rates have gone awfully low. Something about wizard landlords being rubbish at maintaining them."
He blinked twice.
"Bit weird of him to give me advice on flat shopping, eh?" I said vaguely. "Just thought you should know."
He stayed silent for a short while before his lips briefly twitched up in a smile.
"Thanks, Mon," he said sincerely.
I smiled back. With a final wave, he strode back into the castle and I leaned helplessly against the cold stone wall of the owlery. My skin was still burning for whatever indescribable reason and the only thing Madam Pomfrey could possibly diagnose was how utterly stupid I've been.
Why was my body betraying me? One moment I was having a row with Sirius Black and next thing I knew, I was melted ice cream just by being in his vicinity. I breathed in deeply, eyes shut and thinking: this couldn't possibly be happening.
In typical Monica fashion, the moment I realized I may have harbored feelings more than what was acceptable for Sirius, I avoided him at all costs. As the week went by, I had little to no communication with him or his friends. During meal times, I would urge Lacey to sit somewhere else where there were no vacant seats to our left or right.
I didn't know if the boys noticed but since we were constantly shifting seating arrangements per meal, they never had a chance to sit anywhere near us. If they arrived at the Great Hall first, I would choose an area on the other end of the table.
Lacey didn't catch on until the third day. She insisted on sitting on the empty places next to them but I spluttered a random excuse I couldn't even remember. She begrudgingly followed but had her eye on me ever since.
It didn't help my mental state that Mary was still around Sirius half the bloody time, but he seemed a lot more distant around her. I wondered if they sorted out the whole getting back together thing but it looked like Sirius was trying harder to make it obvious that they weren't.
I didn't know how I felt about it. My own weird feelings for him didn't make me particularly jealous or desperate. In fact, I tried immensely hard to keep my thoughts free from anything that had to do with him. I almost wished he got back together with Mary just so it would remove any chances or hope from my head.
I guess the difference was rooted in our history. He was one of the first people I actually let into my life since Lacey and I developed a friendship with him. I admittedly wouldn't have traded for the world. So it was typical of me and my unforgiving life to ruin something so good by feeling things I didn't even ask for.
But as if Hogwarts took immediate action to get it out of my mind at least for a moment's time, come Friday everyone in the Great Hall chatted happily about the upcoming Easter holidays and the much needed break from schoolwork. Dinner went on normally and it was much more packed than a usual day. Good vibes were all around, but that was until Dumbledore rose from his seat as students finished their meals and the entire hall immediately hushed.
Dumbledore didn't usually give speeches on regular days, only if important announcements were to be made and after the holidays to welcome the students back. It was much rarer to hear him give a speech after a meal so this definitely called the attention of the students in an instant.
"What's this about?" Lacey asked, eyebrows furrowed and surprised to the point that she abandoned her half-eaten treacle tart to stare at the headmaster.
"I don't know," I muttered, confusion etched on my face as I waited for him to speak.
Dumbledore slowly walked to the podium, an unreadable expression on his face and he cleared his throat against the mic, hushing the remaining students who were still whispering.
"Good evening, students." His voice boomed in the Great Hall but his tone didn't feel welcoming. A shiver ran down my spine, expecting bad news.
"I'm sure you're all aware of the recent attack in Diagon Alley," Dumbledore continued, tone solemn but biting. "There have been more and more reports coming from London and we believe that the Death Eaters and Voldemort himself have been heavily active across Great Britain."
Silence ensued in the Great Hall, all eyes staring wide at the headmaster.
"We regret to inform you all that we have released memos to your parents and guardians regarding the upcoming Easter break," he said. "We have advised them to let you stay in Hogwarts during this time to ensure your safety within the walls of the castle."
A series of outbursts from various students across all house tables rang out. I personally couldn't feel my face, wondering if he reached out to my mum and dad too. Dumbledore raised a palm and the crowd was silenced.
"This decision was made after careful consideration of the events happening across Great Britain," he said. "We have received a number of owls from your parents and guardians themselves, requesting to require their children to stay in Hogwarts under our protection. The duration of your break will not be compromised and you can enjoy your holidays here. However, we will not be allowing any activities outside castle grounds to ensure the safety we promised your guardians. This includes any Hogsmeade trips."
"Can we play Quidditch?" A boy a few seats down from Gryffindor yelled out, and other students nodded and murmured words of agreement.
"Quidditch is allowed so long as you play within castle grounds," Dumbledore quickly answered, then proceeded with the rest of his speech. "Moving on, I would like to add that for seventh year students, as you are off age, you are allowed to head home if you please, however I am begging you to think thoroughly of your decision. There will be a train ready for your departure on Monday, but I am deeply hoping that no one will get on.
"This war is bigger than any of you can ever imagine. And if we can preserve your safety as much as we can, we will. Summer break will not be changed and you may return home then, but Easter break is for a shorter while, which makes more sense to keep our students in the safety of Hogwarts for this time to lessen the chances of any unfortunate incidents.
"Should your parents be insistent for you to visit home, which I don't expect many of given the number of requests we have received not to let you do so, I must receive a signed letter from them. You may coordinate this with your parents over the weekend before the train leaves on Monday, if you please."
"My mum and dad wouldn't even think of it," Lacey whispered to me. "Think if Dumbledore allowed us to stay over the summer, they'd force me to."
"Mine wouldn't either," I agreed, feeling green. "Since my mum got attacked, they'd take any opportunity to let me stay here with Dumbeldore around."
"That is all for tonight," Dumbledore said, ending his speech. "Now you must all go to bed. Pip, pip!"
With the recent news, the students hurriedly stood, chatting fervently among their groups. The crowd left all at once, some students even leaving their meals unfinished. Lacey and I tried our best to stick together through the sea of students but we could hardly form any coherent conversation over the noise.
By the time we reached the fork where the students separated to head to their respective common rooms, Lacey and I finally had room to breathe.
"Merlin," Lacey sighed, rubbing her forearms. "Some announcement, that was."
"I was excited to head home," I said with a frown. "I wanted to see my mum."
"I'll bet one of those owls Dumbledore received were from my parents," Lacey said. "They'd do anything to keep Benjy and I from London after the Diagon Alley attack."
"Yeah, must have caused a stir," I agreed. "I guess it's the right decision, isn't it? He's got a point. The break's only for two weeks so might as well keep everyone safe here until summer. Would be a mess to come back and find out someone's dead."
"Right you are." Lacey nodded then we slipped into the Gryffindor common room after a rowdy group of first years.
Sitting by the fireplace were the Marauders and I cursed under my breath. How quickly were they able to get here after the announcement? And did everyone really just avoid that area because they knew the boys would take it? How else were they always able to claim the spot closest to the fireplace with the comfiest chairs?
Sirius had his back to us. I recognized the tuft of dark wavy hair sitting on the couch so he hadn't seen me yet. I realized we had to pass them towards the staircase and I roughly pulled Lacey back before she could walk any further who yelled at my tug.
"I think I wanna go to the library," I said quickly, checking briefly if any of the boys heard Lacey's outburst.
"Now?" she asked incredulously. "It's Friday, Mon!"
"I wanna submit my application to the Daily Prophet." I gave her a pointed look and she blinked in surprise. I gave myself a mental pat on the back that I convinced her so easily.
"Brilliant!" she said happily. "Come on then."
We successfully left the common room with no notice from the four seventh year boys and I breathed a sigh of relief, criss crossing paths with various Gryffindors who were coming from dinner.
"You've decided then?" Lacey asked curiously as we walked down the staircase.
"Sort of," I replied distantly.
"Good choice, Mon," she said with encouragement.
"Apply with me then."
"Me?" she laughed breathily. "Have I not expressed how overprotective my parents are? They'd never let me leave the house over the summer. You've told your parents, haven't you?"
"Er… nope," I admitted. "But they'll be fine. I'll be helping with Quidditch reports. Can't be that dangerous."
Lacey shot me a wary look. "I suppose…"
When we reached the library, it was completely empty. I took my usual table closest to the entrance and pulled out my parchment. I hesitated a bit under Lacey's eye, wondering if I made the rash decision just to avoid Sirius or if I actually wanted to do this.
Sirius' advice in the owlery floated in my mind and I decided it wouldn't hurt to actually give it a shot. It could be the last conversation we'd have the rate I was going in avoiding him, but I was probably just being dramatic.
I began to write my intent to apply and Lacey watched, a strange expression on her face as I wrote. Surprisingly she didn't say anything until I finished the letter, letting me concentrate in silence as if observing if I was actually going to do it. Truthfully, it felt harder to continue while she was there but I couldn't risk her running into Sirius either because if he did notice my sudden absence from his vicinity, it would just make her curious if he asked her.
Once I was finished, I rolled up the parchment and stuffed it in my bag. I checked the clock and we still had an hour to go before curfew. The Marauders usually stayed up in the common room quite late so I wasn't ready to return yet. Across me, Lacey was doodling in her notebook, patiently waiting. I wondered what my next excuse could be to convince her to stay out of Gryffindor Tower? Maybe I could head to the owlery and send the application tonight?
"You done?" Lacey asked, noticing me staring out the window stuck in my thoughts.
"Oh, yeah, I'm done," I said nervously.
"Would you like to go back or should we wait until we're certain Sirius and his friends have gone to bed?"
I nearly choked on my spit and I spluttered out an incoherent reply, heat rising up to my cheeks.
"What are you even— I'm not—"
"Monica, I'm not stupid," she said, rolling her eyes. "I noticed days ago."
I gulped, fiddling with the strap of my bag.
"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked softly.
"Because I was waiting for you to tell me!" she exclaimed. "But it's been nearly a week and you literally just pulled me out of the common room because you didn't want to walk past them."
"Okay, okay," I conceded, embarrassment filling every bone in my body. "I didn't know how to tell you. I'm not even sure when it started myself but I can tell I've developed feelings for Sirius and it bloody sucks, mind you."
"Wait, say that again," Lacey said, palms on the desk and staring wide-eyed. "You fancy Sirius?"
"Wha— I thought you knew?" I said, confused.
"I thought you lot had a fight or something!" she cackled. "So you admit it then? You've got a thing for him?"
I wanted to bang my head of the wood for being stupid enough to assume she noticed my feelings for him.
"Silence is a yes, right?" she said, much too excited. "Merlin, Mon! What the f—"
"Lacey, it's nothing serious," I interrupted snippily, not amused by her reaction in the slightest. "I just have to detox myself from him and it'll be gone."
"Monica," she said, looking serious now. "Don't even try. This is great news!"
"Why would it be great news?" I asked, irritation building up. "It sucks! He's my friend now and I've gone and ruined it."
She rolled her eyes.
"You're not ruining anything, Mon. I always thought you two were great together."
"Whatever," I snapped but my face was burning hot. "He's got Mary."
"He hasn't got anyone," Lacey assured me. "He said it himself. He doesn't want to be with Mary."
"But it's totally not possible, Lace," I insisted. "He's not coming back to Hogwarts. I am. We're better off as friends and I'll just ruin everything by showing I fancy him. Why d'you think I've avoided him so much? I'm lucky if he didn't notice a thing the last time we talked."
"I guess you're right about the Hogwarts thing," Lacey sighed, face twisting as she probably tried to think of suggestions for a workaround.
"Let it go, Lacey," I practically begged.
"I just want to understand why you're so scared, Mon. Isn't it exciting? You haven't liked anyone since Carter."
I groaned. "I don't think Carter even counts. I barely knew him. This is the first time I've had feelings for someone I actually know and it's bloody frustrating. I can't even look at him now without feeling giddy. Isn't that terrible?"
"Terrible?" Lacey cackled. "Mon, crushes are supposed to get you excited! Like you look forward to seeing them all day and when you do it's like all the stress is gone."
"It's a trap and almost always ends up with people feeling like shit."
"You're a real ray of sunshine, aren't you?" She shook her head at me. "You've got to welcome these feelings, Mon. Even if it does turn to shit, Sirius is a great guy! I don't blame you for fancying him and I don't think your friendship's down the drain just because you do. Just carry on being friends and see where it goes. Who knows, right?"
"I guess…" I said hesitantly, mulling over her words. I begrudgingly admitted in my head that she was right. I couldn't avoid him forever.
"When did this even start?" Lacey pushed. "Come on, I have to know the details!"
I relayed the events of the owlery to her, not leaving out the head pats and brief hand holding which made her squeal so loud, the librarian shushed us from the other end.
"I guess since the whole thing with my mum, it just started," I said, lowering my voice for the sake of the librarian. "Like I didn't know why I kept expecting him to come looking for me after we had the row and when I finally saw him, it was bloody obvious. I was so red, he told me to go see Madam Pomfrey."
Lacey barked out a laugh, echoing through the walls of the empty library. Having enough, the old witch marched towards our desk with a frightening scowl on her face.
"That's it! Out you go, you two!" she said shrilly.
Lacey and I dutifully followed her orders and left in a hurry. The blonde still couldn't keep her laughter in check and she carried on the entire walk back to the common room. Saying her thoughts out loud, she wondered between giggles if Sirius actually didn't notice anything or if he was just pretending so not to embarrass me.
By the time we reached the Fat Lady, my head was practically emitting steam and I was ready to deck her in the face while she babbled on. But my thoughts were diverted when I realized the couches by the fireplace were empty and only a few remaining Gryffindors hung in the common room, none of whom were any of the four seventh year boys.
I breathed out in relief and began to walk towards the staircase then the creak of portrait opening sounded behind me. A low, familiar voice called, causing my steps to halt instantly.
"Mon!"
I slowly turned around to find Sirius raising his eyebrows at me.
"Er… I'll head up now," Lacey said meekly then darting straight upstairs and leaving me to fend for myself.
"Hi," I said nervously, feeling my body reacting to his presence. The heat traveled to the roots of my hair and I crossed my arms to hide my sweaty palms.
"Long time," Sirius said, narrowing his eyes slightly. "Come on, walk with me."
He pivoted on his heel and walked out the portrait. I begrudgingly followed him out, mentally preparing myself to explain why on earth I've been avoiding him for long. If he noticed and guessed correctly, I was rightfully fucked.
His feet were heavy against the floor, echoing through the walls while mine skittered in panic as if I was walking to my death. I merely followed his lead, unsure where we were heading specifically but it was much too late to go anywhere. I wasn't sure if it was past hours but given the ghost town that were the hallways, it wasn't early by all means.
"You've been avoiding us," Sirius said as we arrived by a small clearing with stone benches and open columns, the light of the crescent moon glowing above us. Sirius leaned against a column and locked his ankles together, hands snug in his pockets and the sleeves of his button down tucked to elbows.
I tried to act casual and leaned against my own pillar across him, the spring breeze nipping at my exposed neck.
"What's up, Mon?" he asked again, raising his eyebrows with expectation.
"Nothing," I said, too quick to come off as truthful.
"Really?" he laughed. "You've made an effort to sit as far away from us as possible during meals. You're not very subtle, you know that?"
"Did you really have to take me down this far for this?" I snapped, trying to avoid the question. "You could've interrogated me in the common room."
"Mary was about to walk in any second," Sirius said, looking uncomfortable. "Wasn't ready to see her again after the talk we just had."
"You talked to Mary?" I said, surprised.
"Mhm, yeah," he mumbled, looking away wistfully. "I wanted to talk to you about it too."
"Wha–Why me?"
"Dunno, you're a girl," he said. "You get this sort of thing."
"Not really," I laughed emptily. "Relationships really aren't my forte, I'm sure you've realized by now. And between you and Mary? Sounds more complicated than anything I've experienced in my lifetime."
"Well, you're the closest I've got to an impartial opinion," Sirius pointed out, shifting to a seated position on the pavement, legs hanging freely. "The guys would just tell me to do what I want and the girls are her friends."
"Leaving me the only viable option, I suppose," I said humorously. "Ever think of making new friends?"
"You first," he said.
I chuckled, smiling. "Touché."
A comfortable silence fell and I slowly felt myself calm down, feeling more at ease in his presence as we bantered like usual. I realized how much I actually missed being around him and despite my feelings, I enjoyed being his friend too much to avoid him forever. Even if that meant talking about his relationship with someone else.
It was also comforting that I didn't feel jealous at all and I wondered if I was supposed to feel this way. Maybe being his friend was enough to satisfy me that all things considered, we could never actually be together and I guess that was fine. Lacey told me to welcome the feelings because in the end, what I enjoyed was his company and the ease that came with it. While it made me feel sad the probability that he felt the same way about me was disastrously low, I was happy to even have met him after all.
"You weren't still mad at me, were you?" Sirius said, voice soft and staring blankly at me. "Was that why you avoided me this week?"
"Of course not," I snorted, feeling the heat in my cheeks but I was relieved he didn't assume correctly.
"Wanted some time for yourself then?" he asked. "I mean to say that I understand if that's the case."
"Something like that, yeah," I said vaguely.
"Well, sorry to bother you," he said sincerely, eyes scanning the night sky. "Thought I just needed to talk to someone."
"You can tell me about Mary, you know," I urged him. "Get it out of your chest or whatever. Isn't that what people do when they have relationship problems?"
He laughed heartily then turned his head to look at me. I still leaned against the stone column and I surprisingly didn't back away from his gaze.
"Mary and I haven't got a relationship, by the way," he said. "I mean, we hung out for a while this year but she's a bit strange. She has this weird mindset that she thinks she can change me to become that man she wants me to be."
"How so?" I asked daringly.
"I dunno, like…" Sirius hesitated, tearing his eyes away from me and looking straight ahead. "Like, I got my own plans, right? And she just wants to change them to what she thinks is the best for me. She yaps on about our potential future together and I'm just… I'm just fucking it up, basically."
"But don't you feel the same way?"
"Mary's great," he said immediately. "She's beautiful, smart, and incredibly brave. You know, when Dumbledore approached us to join the Order after school, she accepted without even thinking."
I frowned in confusion. "But if she's in the Order, why's she so against you?"
"She's against me working for the Order full time," he explained. "She thinks I've got to have bigger dreams than that. Something more practical, you know?"
The more he revealed, the more I understood why I would never live up to someone like her. She seemed calculating and daring at the same time, someone willing to take risks but thought through every important aspect of her decision.
Sirius must have cared a great deal for her but his stubbornness to compromise and the passion he had for the one thing that mattered to him most surpassed that. He wasn't going to let anything stand between him and his goal, even if it meant letting go of Mary.
"Do you love her?" I asked, surprising myself at the directness of the question but my curiosity took over me. At the same time, I wanted his answer to step on the remaining hope I had to be with him so I could move on.
Sirius didn't seem shocked. His face twisted into contemplation and it took a few seconds for him to look back at me, gray eyes filled with certainty.
"I don't think so, no," he admitted. "I think I thought I did, for a while. But now…"
My heart skipped a beat and I damned it. I looked away, thankful the light of the moon wasn't enough to show how red-faced I turned.
"I talked to her before I saw you," Sirius continued, tone rather sad. "I told her I couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't even about the deal with Lily. But I thought about what she said and I guess I was being a bit unfair to her. I just… wasn't ready to let go, I suppose."
The coolness from the wall pressed against my back seemed more noticeable now. When I checked to see if he was still looking at me, his head was turned the opposite way and his arms visibly flexed in alertness.
I furrowed my eyebrows, checking down the hall to see what he was looking at, but I heard them before I could see. A pair of giddy voices echoed, a boy and a girl. They didn't sound like they were doing rounds because the girl seemed to be laughing at something the boy said. Then again, prefects went in pairs sometimes and it was highly possible they were about to catch me and Sirius out of hours in a minute.
Probably thinking the same, Sirius leaped down and roughly grabbed my arm.
"Come on, I know another way," he whispered huskily.
"Oi, mate! Is that you?"
Sirius relaxed and laughed breathily. He stood up straight and took a step back.
"It's just Prongs," he said to me before turning around and waving at the pair who approached us.
James and Lily walked faster to meet us, the Head Boy high fiving his best friend enthusiastically. His red-haired counterpart watched in amusement then noticed me, eyebrows skyrocketing to her hairline.
"Monica," she said, eyes subtly darting between me and Sirius. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh," I said, shaking my head violently. "No, no, we were talking about—"
"Homework," Sirius butted in hastily.
"Homework?" James repeated incredulously. "Mate, it's Easter break."
"Our lack of homework then," Sirius said, not so convincing.
"Right," James said, tone suspicious.
"So you two just happen to be here talking about homework?" Lily asked, suspicious.
"What about you two then?" Sirius snapped, finger pointing at the lack of space between them. "Since when have you two done rounds together, eh? And what's this? You're two inches away from each other and you haven't tried to hex him yet? What's up with that?"
"Well…" James said hesitantly, side-eyeing Lily as if asking nonverbal permission.
A small smile appeared on her face and nudged her head at him, encouraging him to go on. James lit up with a large grin and took her hand in his. Sirius and I comically stared at them with bulging eyes at the same time.
"Lily and I are dating now," James announced happily, raising their locked fingers up.
Lily bashfully looked to the side as Sirius bounced on his feet, mouth forming an O in utter disbelief. I caught myself speechless too, blinking in short intervals and a shot of excitement running up my spine.
"Brilliant," I said breathlessly.
"You're joking me right now," Sirius said, spinning once with both hands gripping his hair and his best friend watched him in amusement. "Mate, that's…" Then he swiftly turned to Lily. "You've got to say it. I'm not going to believe it until you say it."
"We're together, Sirius," Lily confirmed, laughing lightly and rolling her eyes.
"Merlin!" Sirius exclaimed then pulled James into a quick hug and patted him roughly on the back before he released. "This is huge! Mate, I cannot even express my deepest congratulations. You have bloody gone far."
"Thanks, mate," James said, still grinning from ear to ear and looking the happiest I'd seen him since I met him.
"And look at you," Sirius said, looking proudly at Lily who merely raised an eyebrow back. "You didn't even wait until I told Mary."
"Well, the deal didn't really mean anything," Lily admitted, scooting closer to James so she held his arm with her free hand. "I guess I should thank you for the push. I know you care about him a great deal."
"I was just wondering what took you so bloody long," Sirius said in good nature. "Does this mean I have to find a new partner in every class?"
"No way," Lily snorted. "Mar would kill me if I forced her to switch me with you."
"I know you girls love me," Sirius said, unaffected by the insult. "But I appreciate the honesty. And because I'm so proud, I've decided to tell the truth myself."
He quickly glanced at me which didn't go unnoticed by Lily. She gave him a look full of expectation and it made me feel green because I knew what she was assuming in my head. Unfortunately for her, Sirius' big reveal had nothing to do with me at all, despite our compromising position sneaking out after hours alone.
Sirius took a deep breath and said, "I've told Mary that I'm not interested anymore. We're officially done for good. That's what Mon and I were talking about before you came."
Lily blinked twice, shoulders sagging. James gave him a sympathetic look and patted his shoulder.
"Good on you, mate," he said softly. "How'd she take it?"
"Well, there was a lot of shouting," Sirius said with a wince. "And some accusations. But I think I've made myself clear and she'll stop pursuing me now."
"And you were absolutely sure about it?" Lily pressed.
"Yeah, I mean I think girls are the last thing I have in mind right now," Sirius said and shrugged.
Ouch. I grew more and more uncomfortable again at the topic of Mary and tried to brainstorm on excuses to leave the conversation. I felt much better when we were congratulating the two for finally getting together.
"If you're happy, I'm happy, Padfoot," James said sincerely. "Do what you want."
"You know I had a feeling you'd say that," Sirius said in a humorous tone, subtly winking at me in reference to our previous conversation about the Marauders being nothing but supportive and utterly crap at giving deeper relationship input.
"Mary's probably gutted," Lily said sadly, biting her bottom lip.
"You can go see her if you'd like," James offered. "I'll finish the last around on my own. Go be with your friend."
Lily sighed in affection and stood on her tiptoes to quickly kiss him on the cheek.
"Thanks," she said, then turning to me. "Head back with me Monica?"
"Oh, sure," I replied. "I was gonna head back anyway. Sirius, you coming?"
"I'll get a quick bite from the kitchens," he said, grinning sheepishly as Lily shot him a bad look. "And because today is a happy day for Lily Evans, she'll give me a pass for being out of bed after hours, yeah?"
"Don't push it," Lily warned.
Sirius saluted her and disappeared down the hall towards the kitchens. Lily and I said our brief goodbyes to James before heading back to the common room together.
The walk with Lily didn't feel as mind boggling and stressful as I was with Sirius, but I could tell she had something in mind that she wanted to say to me. Since Mary was her friend and being the overthinker that I was, I repeated unpleasant scenarios in my head where she accused me of stealing Sirius from Mary or any sort of accusation along the lines of encouraging him to end things with her.
But instead, as we walked up the staircase towards Gryffindor Tower, she started the conversation in the most unexpected way.
"You know, the boys don't really have many friends outside their circle," she said.
I tilted my head to the side, staring straight ahead as we walked.
"What d'you mean?"
"I mean, they've got their own world," she chuckled. "It seems like they've got lots of friends but they mostly just stick together. So I guess I was surprised that you got close to them so quickly."
I glanced at her curiously, trying to find any ounce of spite in her face or tone, but Lily merely looked ahead with a small smile on her face.
"You can't be more surprised than I am," I said. "Before I met these guys, I was a completely different person. But… I'm glad I did. They put a lot of things into perspective, y'know? Now it feels like the world's much bigger than I thought."
I ran through the series of memories that happened within my sixth year, from the unfateful meeting on the day of the full moon to having late night chats with Sirius about our goals, careers, and his diminished love life, they were things I wouldn't have traded for anything else, to be frank.
"I know how you guys really met, you know?" Lily suddenly said, making my head snap to look at her in surprise and she laughed at my reaction. "James told me. And I've known for a while about Remus. Of course, it was a personal subject so I never usually talk about it unless absolutely necessary."
"Oh," I said lamely.
"It must have been awful for them," Lily said. "Imagine a stranger finding out about them and their best friend's condition. I'm sure they didn't take it well at the time."
"They didn't," I confirmed, smiling at the memory of our row after Gryffindor's loss against Slytherin last year.
"But somehow you guys actually became friends," she said. "It's crazy. You can really just meet the right people unexpectedly."
"I suppose…"
We reached the Fat Lady's portrait but before either of us could say the password, Lily stopped to face me, green eyes glinting as if she knew something that I didn't.
"Just some word of advice," she said, voice low. "Sirius is a lot more stubborn than you think. But that doesn't mean you should give up."
She winked at me then recited the password to the Fat Lady. When the portrait swung open, she bid me goodnight and went ahead inside, leaving me speechless in the hallway. Sirius was definitely right about girls' attention to detail. How was Lily able to tell from such a brief conversation?
A/N - Hah! She finally admitted it to herself. It's about to get good everyone! It was so much fun writing from this chapter, I'm about to finish chapter 19! Would love to hear your thoughts and reactions to this chapter. Thank you all again for all your support! I wouldn't be able to finish this story without your kind reviews and thoughts!