I don't own the Flash or any of its characters.

Trigger warning: Mentions suicidal thoughts and feelings as well as anxiety, panic attacks eating problems, self-harm and injuries as well as flashbacks so if any of this is going to trigger you, please do not read.

A/N: Here is chapter eighteen my dudes, if you have stuck around for this long thank you so much, we are nearing the end soon, which is crazy. This chapter is very comfort filled which I love, and I hope you love to. If you enjoy this chapter, please let me know via review and sorry for any mistakes I may have made. Enjoy:)

"What's that Cisco?" Caitlin asked him, not pulling out of the hug just yet, she knew the best way to get him to open up was when he was feeling comfortable and safe, and she knew that he felt the most like that when he was being hugged. Cisco fidgeted in her arms, he had to tell her something, he felt awful, and she was about to see anyway when he pulled out of the hug, so it would be best to just tell her now,

"I hurt myself today," he admitted quietly, cringing as the words came out of his mouth. Caitlin tried to pull away to get a better look at him, but the scientist's crying picked up so harshly that she quickly pulled him back tightly into her arms.

"It's okay," she told him, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm proud of you for telling me," Cisco continued to cry into her shoulder for a while, until he started shaking from the cold, he was still damp and only in a towel, "do you want to put on some warmer clothes?" Cait asked him, still in their hugging position, Cisco nodded and then spoke quickly,

"Don't leave me," he begged,

"I won't," she reassured him, before pulling out of their embrace. Cisco sniffled a little, tears still steadily running down his cheeks, but he was far more composed and was able to get dressed into the clothes Caitlin was handing him. She had given him a t-shirt rather than a normal long-sleeved shirt, so she could see his arms clearly, she had caught glimpses on them as he had got dressed, but she hadn't said anything, seeing he was barely keeping himself together at the moment. She grabbed the first aid kit and then headed out of the bathroom with Cisco in tow. She sat them down on her bed together and let Cisco cuddled into her side, letting him calm himself down a little bit more. After a couple of minutes Caitlin broke the silence, "Sweetheart, can I see your arm?" she asked gently, Cisco shrugged, not feeling up to giving a verbal response, seeing as he hadn't said no, she opened the first aid kit, pulled on some gloves and carefully took his arm into her own, she got to work, cleaning and addressing the wounds, it only took a couple of minutes and when she was finished, she packet he first aid kit back up and threw away everything she had used. "Cisco…" she began again, but before she could really say anything the scientist interrupted her,

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I've let you down, I've been a disappointment, I was doing so well, I was making improvements and then I go and mess it all up, you're probably so angry right now, and I wouldn't blame you, I'm so stupid," he said angrily, reaching up and tugging aggressively at his hair,

"Shh, stop that hon," she took his hand in her own, effectively stopping him from ripping out his hair, "I'm not angry, I'm not disappointed, I'm concerned about how you're feeling and why you didn't tell me you were having a bad day, but that's it. Recovery is about having ups and downs, some days will be better some days will be worse, but so long as you keep trying, you are making progress. I just wish you would have come to me, told me how bad you were feeling, I could have helped, I wouldn't have minded," she told him,

"I know, I just didn't want to bother you," he mumbled, looking down at his lap.

"You can never bother me, with something like this, if I can help you, I will, always. I promise," she reassured him. Cisco nodded, feeling exhausted from all the talking. Caitlin saw this, "we can continue this conversation tomorrow if you like, you seem really tired."

"Please," Cisco said, his eyes already beginning to droop from exhaustion.

"Alright, I'll just text Barry and let him know we won't be in until tomorrow afternoon and get changed quickly and I'll join you in bed," she told him. He whimpered a little, not wanting her to leave, "I'll be really fast," she assured him, "hug your teddy real tight, until I'm back," she said, placing the teddy in his arms. Cisco gripped onto it so tight, his arms turned white, she hurried out of the room to get ready for bed as soon as possible. She returned in seven minutes, ready for bed, her face void of makeup and her hair brushed out.

"Cait," the scientist whimpered when he saw her,

"Shh, I'm here, I'm back," she told him, climbing into bed next to him. He immediately released the grip on his bear and cuddled into Caitlin's arms instead. She could feel his tears soaking her shirt and she rubbed soothing circles on his back, "its okay, its over now, go to sleep Cisco, get some rest." Cisco closed his eyes tight, trying to do as she told him, but when he did all he could think about was the pills he stole from her, he couldn't tell her though she would be mad and take them from him and he needed them. A sob caught in his throat, and he choked on it, coughing out his next few cries, before whimpering a little more, Caitlin sighed, "Shh hon, its okay, its okay," she whispered, hoping against hope, that he would fall asleep, and his pain would stop. In the end he cried himself out and fell asleep, slumped against the doctor's body. Once she was sure he was asleep Cait let herself relax and drift off, tomorrow was going to involve a hard conversation, but it needed to happen.

Caitlin woke up first the next day. She leaned over an turned off her alarm, as they didn't have to got into Starlabs until the afternoon, Cisco didn't need to wake up yet. She slowly untangled herself from the sleeping man and went to take a shower and get dressed. She made sure to leave him a note where he would see it, saying where she had gone and if he needed her the door would be unlocked. Luckily, she was back before he woke up, she sat down gently on her bed and scrolled through the emails on her phone waiting for the scientist to wake up. It didn't take long, ten minutes later and Cisco's eyes fluttered open. It took him a moment to process where he was and what had happened yesterday, but when he did, he groaned and flopped over, pressing his face into Caitlin's lap. She giggled lightly, "Morning Cisco," she reached down to run a comforting hand through his hair,

"Morning," he mumbled back, his voice distorted from having his face pressed in the doctor's lap. He felt a sharp pain in his injured arm, and he lifted his head up slightly to look at the bandaged arm, it was red, he must have bumped it in the night re-opening some of the wounds, "Cait, my arm's bleeding," he said, sitting up,

"Oh," she said surprised, "Okay, I'll patch it back up," she told him, moving to get out of bed and grab the necessary items to clean up and re-bandage his arm. As she was cleaning it, she asked him the question she had been meaning to the previous night, "Can I ask when you did these?" Cisco shifted uncomfortably, before answering,

"I did some of them in the bathroom, yesterday morning before work, and I did some at Starlabs, before lunch," he told her,

"Is that when you ran off claiming that you had to pee?" Caitlin asked,

"Yeah," he shifted awkwardly,

"But you didn't do anything while I wasn't at Starlabs yesterday?" she asked trying to confirm what happened. Cisco panicked, he hadn't cut himself, when she was out, but he had taken those pills, but he couldn't tell her that could he? It had taken him to long to answer and Caitlin was looking at him curiously,

"No, no, I didn't hurt myself while you were out," he stuttered anxiously, it didn't sound very believable, thankfully she didn't push it,

"Where is the blade you used now?" she questioned,

"Um, its in the pocket of the trousers I was wearing yesterday," he told her,

"Do you mind if I take it?" Cisco thought about this for a moment before nodding, it wasn't like she was going to let him out of her sight or let him use it for what he wanted to, so she might as well have it. "Okay, thank you Cisco I know that's a hard decision," she got up and moved to where she had left their washing yesterday, too tired to actually put anything into the laundry machine. She dug through the pockets before taking the blade and putting it in a draw, a different one to where the razors where, though seeing that the blade was a razor one, she would have to move those now to. "How about you get dressed and we have some breakfast?" she asked when she sat down next to him again,

"Alright, but can you like stay, with me," he asked shifting awkwardly,

"I think that would be best, don't you Cisco?" she said, he nodded looking uncomfortable, "Hey, this doesn't have to be a bad thing, we just have to get you safe," she told him in a comforting tone. Cisco nodded looking more comfortable this time. He got out of bed and quickly got dressed before following Caitlin into the kitchen, she handed him an orange and she took one for herself before sitting down at the table and eating it. Cisco followed suit, peeling and eating the orange. When he was done, Caitlin handed him a glass of juice and two pills, he took them quickly trying to stop his mind flashing back to what he did yesterday. Unfortunately for him, he lost control of that very quickly and his mind played on repeat, of him stealing the pills yesterday, he needed them, he needed a way out, he needed to die. His heart was thumping, and his head was screaming and then he was on the floor and there was a voice, it was quiet and far away at first, but then it got closer, it was soft, warm, gentle, it made him feel safe and loved, the voice was saying his name calling to him softly, "Cisco," Caitlin, it was Caitlin who was talking to him. He zoned back in, his breathing rapid, he was having a panic attack on her kitchen floor, "Hey, hey," the doctor said when she saw he was back with her, "take some deep breathes for me hon," she told him, taking some exaggerate breathes for him to copy. He followed her as best he could and when he felt like he finally had some control over his body again, he threw himself into Cait's lap, clinging tightly to her, resting his head on her chest and listening to her heartbeat to help him calm down. "Shh, it's okay, it's all going to be okay," she repeated to him, hoping her words would bring him some sort of comfort,

"C-Cait," he spoke stuttering,

"Yeah Cisco,"

"I took some of your pills," he confessed, Caitlin did a double take,

"You did what hon?"

"Yesterday when you left Starlabs I took some of the pills out of the cupboard in your lab, some of the ones in the back," he told her.

"Did you have any of them ?" she asked quickly, he shook his head, "words please Cisco,"

"No, I didn't," he confirmed verbally,

"Good, that's good, can you tell me why you took them?" she asked,

"I needed them,"

"I'm going to need you to elaborate a bit more honey," she said gently,

"I need to have a way out if I need it," he quietly said,

"You mean a way to die, if you feel you need it," she said. Cisco flinched harshly and tried to pull away from the doctor, "sorry hon, I didn't mean to say it so harshly, I'm not mad, I promise, I'm just upset I didn't notice how much you were struggling," she confessed to him. He felt bad, he didn't think she should be upset with herself,

"I really was okay, up until yesterday," he tried to reassure her. Caitlin smiled at that, and pulled him into her chest tighter,

"I'm glad about that." The two sat on the kitchen floor in silence for a few minutes, "you know I'll have to take the pills back," she informed him gently,

"No please, I need them," he begged pulling away from her,

"Cisco," she sighed, "You don't need them, you don't need to keep this way out, I'm here, your friends are here, you have a therapist, your improving, you don't actually want to die at this moment, right?"

"No, I don't," he told her,

"See, you don't know them, I know your struggling and you feel you need them, but you don't, things are getting better and if you ever feel like that again you have people to turn to me, your therapist, any of the other guys they'd all be there for you if you asked," she said gently,

"Okay," he said

"Okay?"

"You can take the pills, I don't need them," he told her. Caitlin then hugged him so tightly he thought he might pop. He laughed lightly and pulled away, "I need to breathe Cait," he informed her,

"Sorry," she said, also laughing a little, her eyes were damp, but he knew it was tears of joy and relief from what he just said, he got off her lap, so they could get up from the floor.

"I've got this," he whispered to himself, but Caitlin heard him,

"You do got this," she told him, before pulling him into another firm hug.