Week Forty
~ Candidate now weighs as much as a watermelon ~
It had been a long few days since the little Casey family had come home. They had spent a few days in the hospital, learning little tricks and tips about having a little person around their house. Gabby never would claim that it was easy, but it definitely helped being somewhere where if she needed anything desperately, she could ring a bell. It had been few and far between the times she had rung the bell and had insisted that Elena stay in the room with her from the first night onwards. A few days at home and Gabby was feeling the most exhaustion she had ever felt. It was funny how a different context would change her definition of exhaustion, there had been non-stop days at the house, just a few years ago that would be classified as exhausting, then the bar shifted when she fell pregnant… And now, those first few days at home with Elena had moved the bar again. This was utter exhaustion. It was all about context she supposed.
She stopped in her bedroom after grabbing a quick shower hoping to catch a few minutes sleep before Elena inevitably woke up again. Her head had barely hit the pillow, not thinking to wonder where Matt was, before Elena started squawking. Resignedly she stood up and scooped up the crying infant, cooing in an attempt to calm the young girl down. But Elena was having none of it, she had managed to work herself up mere minutes after she had woken up. Gabby glanced around looking for her pillow so she could feed her, but it was not in sight. Elena was going red, her screams growing in pitch each second that she wasn't being fed.
"Come on baby girl," she desperately begged, "Mama's just looking for her pillow." But it seemed to have no effect on the crying child so Gabby sat on her bed, pressed her back up against the headboard, fluffing pillows around her and placing one on her lap, all the while Elena was screaming her head off, legs and arms flailing around working herself into more of a state. Gabby fumbled with her top in the rush she was in trying anything to get her little girl to stop crying. "Shh, niña... Está bien mamá está aquí. Todo va a estar bien... Shhh, no pasa nada. Por favor, deja de llorar," she lulled.
Elena was in such a state that there was no way she was able to latch on, to the point that Gabby herself was becoming upset. She was running on little to no sleep and whilst breastfeeding wasn't always easy for her, Elena had never been this out of control. Taking a deep breath, Gabby tried to calm herself down before trying again, she tried the tips that Clara and Natalie had given her, she rubbed her finger against Elena's cheek, switched positions, switched sides, but nothing was working. She kept being told that newborn babies have reflexes that form part of their survival skills, whenever she touched or stroked Elena's cheek, she would turn towards Gabby's finger, mouth open looking for food, but today nothing. Sliding down the bed, Gabby even tried lying on her side to allow Elena another way of latching on. It had worked once before, the day after she was born, but she was having none of it today.
Gabby felt the frustration rise through her body as she began to weep, powerful sobs wracked her body as she shook with pain. She knew that it wasn't supposed to be easy, but nothing she was doing was helping Elena at the moment. She cried for all the despair and uncertainty she felt, it wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to be easy, but how had this happened?
Matt came bursting through the door, pillow in hand. "Babe?" he tossed the pillow at the end of the bed and climbed in next to her. "Gabby, sweetheart? What's wrong?" he asked sliding an arm around her shoulder drawing her close, dropping a kiss on her bare shoulder. Matt gently slipped his arms under her body, helping her into a seated position. Gabby hiccuped as she attempted to slow her breathing down, not being helped by Elena's wails. "Baby, look at me… Breath… In and out… It's going to be ok… In and out…"
"It's just... that she's... crying and... she's hungry … and there's … nothing… nothing that … I can do… she won't feed… she's just screaming… and I don't know… what to do… I'm a terrible mother…" she gasped between sobs.
"Gabriela, no!" Matt firmly told her. "You're not a terrible mother, Tonia and you are just having a moment. Just keep breathing, it's okay. Just take a moment and you can do it, we can try again. I'll be right here with you Gabby." He pressed a kiss to her temple before getting off the bed. Discarding his shirt on the way around, he took Isela from Gabby's grasp and placed the infant on the bottom of the bed pulling her out of her onesie. "You go and get a drink and I'll try and calm her down." Gabby nodded slightly as she threw a loose shirt on. Matt watched her exit and placed his large warm hand on Elena's bare chest in an attempt to calm her down. A few moments later he picked her up, allowing her to lay on his bare chest, bouncing her as he moved around the room. "Oh princess, I know… I know you're hungry," he comforted moving her into a more upright position, rubbing circles on her bare back. "Shh… Tonia." Leaning over to the stereo, Matt pressed play allowing the piano music to filter through the room as he began to sway with Elena to the music, humming as he moved.
Matt smiled as he heard A Whole New World start up, he didn't know who had given them this music or what it was about it, but he loved humming along with it and dancing around the room with his little girl. As the song continued Elena's wails began to simmer down until they were only murmurs. "That's a girl… You're okay aren't you? Shall we get you fed now?" he asked as Gabby walked back into the room. Matt nodded towards the bed. Gabby grabbed the pillow and settled herself back onto the bed, looking up slightly startled as Matt cleared his throat.
Motioning forward with a free hand, Matt slid in behind her. "I told you we'd do this together today," he softly said as she leant back into his secure arms. Gabby gave him a weak smile, settling the pillow in her lap sorting herself out ready to nurse. Matt brought Elena in front of Gabby, placing her tummy down towards them, laying her bare tummy against Gabby's, allowing her cheek and chin to touch Gabby's chest. Matt's arms held her safely towards her mother, watching as Elena began to root around and finally with assistance from Gabby, she began to nurse. Gabby gave a slight sigh of relief, allowing her head to fall forward
"See… You are an amazing mother," Matt whispered into her ear as he held both of his girls in his arms enjoying the comfortable silence, they found themselves in with the occasional sucking noises from Elena.
Someone, and Gabby still wasn't sure who, had taken it upon themselves to ensure that everyone would get a chance to come and visit the new family… Let's be honest, it was probably Cindy, that amazing woman (read superhero) pretty much organised everything for them. Throughout the first few days, every member of the house popped it. Cruz, Otis and Sylvie had been in for a quick visit in the morning before Donna and Boden arrived with the Herrmans, sans children in tow. Stella and Kelly, surprisingly were the last to come and visit. It had occurred to both Stella and Kelly that it would be better if Donna and Cindy came first as they would come with food, alongside Gabby's mother. Kelly's suspicions had been proved correct when he opened the fridge and saw the labelled food and many assorted containers stacked neatly inside. Aunty Stella wanted to be one of the first to visit, but she knew that if she came later she would be able to help Gabby more, even if that meant helping out with the cleaning. Not that there was much of that to even do, Adriana had been flitting in and out of the Casey's household cleaning, washing, cooking just generally making sure that the only thing Matt and Gabby need to focus on was Elena.
Gabby had been sure that Cindy would have been the chief organiser behind all of this. Especially with the amount of food that she had brought. Gabby was sure between Cindy, Donna and her mother that there was absolutely no room in the fridge or freezer. One less thing for them to think about. Between the feeding, sleeping and crying, Gabby wasn't too sure whether she would ever think about food at the moment. She hadn't even noticed when her brother had snuck in for a visit too. You know they say that you shouldn't drop in on a new family and you definitely shouldn't do it all at the same time or all at once. But Gabby just didn't care, their family was so important to them and she wouldn't have had it any other way.
As Boden hoisted Terrance up onto his back, Donna cast one last longing look at Elena before giving Gabby a light hug. "Remember Gabby," she started softly, "...part of becoming a parent is learning to trust your own instincts, even if this sometimes means ignoring the advice of others."
Gabby gave her a watery smile, as Cindy joined the two women. "Exactly," she confirmed. "There are so many approaches to looking after a baby. Have confidence in your own ability and trust what you think."
"But Cindy, you must know it all. And Donna I would never turn advice from you. Any suggestions are gratefully appreciated."
Cindy gave a laugh, "I know what works for five Herrmann rowdy children. Not one sweet baby Casey," she joked.
"Either way," Gabby smiled, "I know and trust you both. And if I haven't already said it, thank you. From the bottom of my heart," she wiped away the tears from in her eyes. "Stupid hormones," she muttered as Cindy pulled her in for a hug.
Kelly stood back from the few people around the Casey's house. Stella and Gabby were curled up in a huddle on the couch having a quiet chat. Kelly stopped to watch his girlfriend intently, her eyes sparkled as she listened to Gabby chat away about Elena's first days at home. And as tired as she looked there was just something about Gabby, there was something surrounding both Matt and Gabby that had been missing for far too long. He glanced over his shoulder to find Antonio and Matt cleaning up the small mess that had been left by the firehouse visitors. He could hear Antonio try to beat his brother-in-law down into taking some time out and leaving everything to him.
There had been a few times over the past two years when he had honestly thought that Matt and Gabby would never get to this point, between the losses and the relationship problems they had had to struggle through he had wondered. There were even a few times that he had wanted to lock them into a room and tell them he would let them out when they worked it out, he thought to himself wryly.
A slight whimper caught his attention. As he looked around, it seemed that no one else had noticed, surprising as that was. Again, she whimpered as Kelly edged his way towards the bassinet that was near the piano. Elena looked up at Kelly with her wide bright blue eyes, sizing him up.
"Hi precious," Kelly lowered his voice. "Are you going to scream your head off if I pick you up?... Hmmm… You have every other time, haven't you?" She seemed to gaze up right at him curiously, well Kelly supposed as curiously as a week-old baby was able to. He gently placed a finger onto her cheek, softly running it down, to give her a slight tickle on her chest. She whimpered as Kelly withdrew his hand and before she knew it Kelly was hoisting the tiny Casey into his arms. "See that wasn't so hard was it, Ellie, sweetheart? That's right, Uncle Kelly has got you," Kelly spoke as he walked up the stairs and towards the nursery. He missed the soft look that Matt shot him from the kitchen, Matt knew that Kelly was a softie deep down, Elena just needed to let him in, strong Dawson was his daughter, even at a very young age. He had remembered that each time in the week or so his daughter had been with them that anytime Kelly got near her she would start to scream her head off, working herself into quite the state.
Kelly's eyes scanned the well-stocked bookshelf for a book to read to his goddaughter in the hopes of getting her to drop back off. Easily shuffling her to one arm, he selected one and settled himself into the rocking chair. Matt had done a pretty good job making this chair, he had to admit it was fairly comfortable. Looking down at the small bundle in his arms, a smile crossed Kelly's face. "You, my sweet Ellie are so loved," he told her before opening the book.
Antonio scanned the room before looking at the clock mounted on the wall. "I should shove off. I just need to see my beautiful niece before I go…" Antonio looked concerned as he noticed the empty bassinet.
Matt motioned upstairs, "I saw Sev walk up with her a few minutes ago." The two men quietly made their way up the stairs to find the master bedroom empty. Poking his head into the mostly unused for the moment nursery, Matt found Elena snuggled up in Kelly's arms. Quietly pointing to the scene in front of them, he left Antonio standing there before scooting downstairs to get the girls.
"You'll never guess what I've just seen," announced Matt, a smile plastered on his face. "Come upstairs, and bring a camera, phone, something," he told them. Stella and Matt exchanged a look before Stella reached for her phone and made her way towards the nursery. Gabby, however groaned slightly as she went to stand up, Matt hurried to help her up, his hand going to the small of her back. "Okay?" he quietly asked.
"Still just a bit tender… So what are we going to see?"
"Just our precious daughter, not screaming her head off with Uncle Kelly," he smirked. "Told you she would have everyone wrapped around her little finger. Especially that big Squad lieutenant…"
"Well, what are we waiting for? Lead the way…" she laughed.
Reaching the top of the stairs, Kelly's voice was carrying throughout the floor as Stella captured the special moment on her phone.
""I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare," rang out Kelly's voice. "That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think any more. Then he looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further than the sky. I love you right up to the MOON," he said, and closed his eyes." he glanced down at the young Casey, her eyes still wide open, taking in the voice that spoke to her.
""Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far." Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night." Stopping the story for a moment, Kelly watched as Elena's eyes fluttered shut."Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, "I love you right up to the moon - AND BACK."" Closing the book gently the two of them sat there for a few moments longer, Kelly mesmerized by the gently rising and falling of the baby's chest. Slowly, carefully he managed to rise from the chair without waking her, He ran a finger over her soft hair as he lay her into her cot, making sure that her feet were right to the bottom. She looked so tiny in that big, big cot. "Sleep well Ellie," he whispered, turning to leave. As he did, he was shocked to find the rest of his friends watching his every move, quickly he ushered them out of the room before they woke the child up.
Antonio watched as each of the members of the firehouse file out of the nursery, catching his little sister's eye as he walked towards the cot where his niece lay. Gabby nodded slightly at him, understanding that he just wanted a few moments with Elena. It was times like this that he missed his own kids so much more. Antonio carefully moved the rocker towards the cot, sliding his hand through the bars and towards the sleeping girl. Carefully, gently he ran a crooked finger over the soft skin of her cheek. Resting a hand on her soft head, he sighed quietly.
"Oh my Nora," he began. He had thought long and hard about what he was going to call his young niece after Gabby had announced her name. Leonora had been the family name that had not surprised him at all, after all, Gabby, Eva and their mother had Leonora in their own names, the Antonia in her name had been a surprise. However, with all the names that Elena had, he had been concerned that the poor child would be confused with all the different names that she was being referred to by, in both English and Spanish. But then he had realised that he and Gabby had grown up bilingual and with some interesting terms of endearment and they had been fine. So, for his sobrina he wanted to call her Nora, their family name.
Things had changed for much in the last few years. Antonio never would have believed the picture in front of him the first time he met Matt Casey. Of course, he had seen something in Gabby, there had been a spark between the two of them even if Matt was engaged to someone else. Their relationship had grown from friendship to life partners, a love that he knew would grow stronger as they entered this new season of their life. What he had experienced was nothing like their lives. And he knew how important family was all the Dawsons. Gabby was probably going to have to drag him out of their house kicking and screaming. But there was going to be nothing that would stop him from protecting his sweet, precious sobrina.
Upon reaching the living room again Matt turned to his wife, concerned as tears filled her eyes. "Hormones," she smiled. "Who would have thought that our big scary Severide could be that taken with a small girl," she gently teased.
"Easy," retorted Kelly. "Especially when she's not screaming her head off. Lucky for her she takes after her mother. Think of her poor life if she had taken off this ugly mug," he poked fun at Matt. Matt glared at him without saying anything.
Stella slid into his embrace, "Do you know how hot that was? You and a baby? Looked so right."
"Oh get a room," Matt told them.
Not needing to be told twice, Kelly dragged Stella towards the door, scooping up her bag on the way. "Might just do that," Kelly grinned pulling Stella taut against himself, "What do you say Stel? Want to work on that?"
The only reply the group heard, as Kelly pulled the door shut behind them, was Stella's high pitched squeal.
"Who would have thought that those two would have ever gotten to that point?" Matt questioned quietly as Matt pulled Gabby into his side, the two sets of eyes never leaving the door.
"Oh Severide will never admit it but he would be a good father," confessed Gabby thinking about how easily he was taken by their little bundle. "But they are a long way off kids."
A few nights later Gabby woke and stretched her arms out to find the space next to her empty. Turning over she noticed that it was near 5 am, sliding herself up into a seated position slowly not sure what it was that had even woken her up. She listened for a second or two. It had only been nine days but Elena had a pretty regular routine of being awake for around 45 minutes sometimes more, sometimes less. She would nap 3 or 4 times, it was the length of time that the naps would vary. Some nights Elena had been known to sleep for nearly 3 hours this one time, mostly she would wake after an hour or so. Gabby was beginning to understand why they called this the fourth trimester. And witching hour was a thing that she dreaded every day.
On Doctor Peterson's recommendation, she had started Elena on a bedtime routine, trying to have a vast difference between day and night and trying not to hold and cuddle her until she fell asleep. What no one told her was how hard that was, leaving your little baby to fall asleep by herself. And over the last week at night, she would feed her little girl, then Matt would rock and hum or place on a Disney piano music CD and together they would put her into the bassinet. As hard as it was, she was immensely grateful that Matt was able to take furlough so they could build their little family life together.
Suddenly it occurred to her, Elena had woken up every night at 5 am for a feed for the last six days just like clockwork. And it was too quiet for this time of the morning. Gingerly getting out of bed she softly padded towards the bassinet, all of those times trying to find her way in a smoke-filled, low vision house was finally coming in useful. She was shocked to find the bed empty. It took a while for her with a fuzzy induced brain, running on very little sleep to put two and two together to know what Matt would have picked her up and taken her out of the room, allowing her a few more precious minutes of sleep. All of that interrupted sleep they experienced on their 24 hour shifts at the house had actually become useful. However, it was normally during a 24 period, not night after night after night. She was exhausted, prior to this point in her life Gabby had thought she knew what being fatigued was, but this was pure and utter exhaustion.
Whilst Matt wasn't able to take on as much of the load, especially with the feeding and the like, but he had dived right into trying to help out as much as he could. In the mornings after her feeding, Matt would take Elena down into the living room to allow her some time to sleep. This had been a godsend when Elena had only slept in short bursts, she could sleep again until Matt brought the baby to her for her next feeding. The new parents were most definitely in survival mode at the moment. Looking at the window at the still dark sky, she knew that they hadn't gone far. Pulling on her dressing gown on, Gabby made her way to the still unused nursery. Elena was still young and they had decided that it would be much easier to have her in their room, the crib in her room was much too big for her at the moment anyway.
Following the soft lights that Matt had turned on his way to the nursery. Gabby gently pushed open the door and her heart skipped a beat at the sight in front of her. Matt had their daughter tucked up in his arms, singing to her softly. She looked positively tiny in Matt's big, strong firefighting arms, he was swaying gently. Her tiny fingers were tightly wrapped around Matt's index finger; it reminded her that she desperately wanted an image of her two loves with Matt in his turnout coat. She could only imagine her little girl all snuggled up in that black gear in the crook of Matt's elbow. But right now, Gabby could see from her vantage point that her bright blue eyes were wide open, drinking in everything that her father was saying to her. They had both been surprised at Elena's blue eyes but had decided that she probably wasn't going to have them for very long given Gabby's own colouring. Gabby stopped herself saying anything, she had observed Matt humming to their child before, even caught him once half-singing along to a Disney tune that had been playing in the background. But never once had she heard him singing. Matt actually had a fairly decent voice, much better than her own. Stepping carefully further into the room, she allowed Matt's voice to wash over her, much like Elena was doing.
Matt had to admit to himself that it was hard sometimes this whole parenting gig. Elena and Gabby were bonded in ways that he couldn't even imagine, they had literally been connected for nine months. And now Gabby was able to spend inestimable moments with her when she was nursing, so he had to find something that was just theirs; something that was just Daddy and Tonia's. He was the only one that called her by her middle name, everyone seemed to have a nickname for their little fire-eater. Antonio even called her his little fire truck, after watching her with Kelly those first few times. And that little something was singing to her, it was moments like this that he filed away in his long term memory.
Hey little girl you might not know this song
This is not the kind of song that you can sing along to
Hey little girl
Maybe some day
Least that's what all the good people will say
Matt glanced down at the precious bundle in his arms, seven days later he was still pinching himself to see if it was all a dream. They had waited so long for this moment, for this little girl to come into their lives. Elena was never going to replace the baby they had lost or Louie, she was never going to replace them in his heart. But she was going a long way to healing some of the hurt that they had suffered. Gabby watched on, ever quiet with silent tears streaming down her face, her lower lip beginning to tremble.
Hey little girl, look what you've done
You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own
You've stole my heart and made it your own
Hey little girl, black and white and right and wrong
Only live inside a song I will sing to you
He wasn't sure how he was going to be able to leave his two girls, this absolutely delectable infant in his arms, he honestly didn't know how he was going to go back to his 24 hour shifts. Everything in his life had taken on a new meaning, what was once important was now seen in a new light. His alderman term still had just over two years to serve and he knew that juggling all the hats he had to wear wasn't going to be easy. Looking down at Elena he knew that he wasn't going to be serving another term, he had taken up the job in order to make a difference and at Gabby's insistence, but now he wanted to spend as much time as he possibly could right here, living in the moment, looking after the two most precious things in his life. He knew that life was too short, he was never going to be able to get back all the moments when Elena was a baby, or the moments he would spend watching Gabby play and chat to their little girl, her mothering instinct so bang on and innate.
You don't ever have to feel lonely
You will never lose any tears
You don't have to feel any sadness
When you look back on the years
How can I look you in the eyes
And tell you such big lies
The best I can do is try to show you
How to love with no fear
Elena's eyes finally fluttered closed shut. Matt had been in here for over an hour, watching her, spending some time with her. He had tried to fit himself into the routine that Gabby was creating with the little girl, however in the back of his mind, he knew that it was going to be hard. He only had furlough for a short amount of time and then Gabby would then be learning to live with him being away for 24 hours at a time. But Gabby had insisted from the very beginning that he be involved in everything that he could, and he wouldn't have had it any other way, whether it was bathing, burping, cuddling, or diaper changes. He was sure that Gabby had had to bite her tongue if he didn't do something exactly right, and for that he was grateful.
Herrmann had given him the advice just before Tonia was born that it was important to get involved with the bedtime routine, just being there for Gabby for whatever it was she needed and to generally help out around the house. Although he hadn't needed to do that much around the house between Adriana, Cindy and Donna, the ladies had kept the house clean and fridge stocked, this had helped with his feeling of being overwhelmed. Over the next few weeks, before he had to go back to work, he was determined to get them outside in the sun, just for a short while every day.
My little girl
You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own
You've stole my heart and made it your own
Matt watched as Elena's eyelids fluttered, but she settled with a contented little breath, drifting completely into slumber. She smelled so good to him and felt so right in his arms like he was finally home. A gift. He tilted her up slightly to press a gentle kiss to the soft newborn skin near her temple, taking in the intoxicating baby smell. Swaying slightly still, he backed himself over towards the rocking chair, never once taking his eyes off his daughter.
"You, my precious Tonia are so loved," he whispered as he ran a thumb over her cheek. "And there are so many people in your life to love you, look out for you and protect you, Mama's family is here and Tio Antonio is going to be your bodyguard for everything, anytime Daddy isn't here. And then there is your firehouse family. They've been here for Daddy whenever he has needed them. They would do anything for you. You have so much in life to look forward to, and Tonia, Daddy's going to be here for you no matter what, my precious girl. Every step of the way. Daddy has always wanted to meet you, he's been waiting for you for so long. And now you're finally here… Elena Antonia, there were days that I thought you may never come, but Mama and I can't believe how lucky we are. You and Mama mean the world to me sweetheart, the day you were born, Mama gave me the most precious gift I'd ever received."
Taking a deep breath Matt thought about what else he wanted to say, obviously he had a captive audience. "Mama's a strong woman Tonia. She's going to teach that to you and so much more, you couldn't have asked for a more special mother. There is nothing that she won't do for you. Mama and I haven't always had the easiest road together, but we're all the stronger for it. And we love you more than anything else in the world. There is nothing more important to us Tonia… nothing my precious girl…" Matt stopped short when he heard a sob.
Gabby had managed to keep quiet all the way through the song and Matt's little chat, but her hormones were still heightened from the pregnancy and birth and she just couldn't control her tears. She just couldn't begin to comprehend the amount of love that Matt was able to give to her and their child. Matt Casey who was notorious for keeping all of his emotions bottled up was freely sharing all of his emotions with his little girl. One of the only other times she had heard this amount of emotion was their wedding day. The journey that had led them here. And she knew from the first shared look between Matt and Elena that he would be wrapped around her little finger.
"Gabby…" he whispered. He juggled Elena slightly so she was sleeping in the crook on his left arm, opening up his right side beckoning her towards him.
"Matttt…" she cautioned. "We're not going to fit on there. Look at me," she motioned down to her body. Matt looked her up and down, whilst she hadn't lost every pound of her baby weight, she still looked stunning. He never needed her to be some skinny stick who only ate salad, his gorgeous wife had curves and loved to flaunt them. Standing carefully desperately trying to ensure that he didn't wake the sleeping infant, he took her into a gentle side hug.
"You look amazing Gabby," he told her, taking her by the hand to lead her over to the small couch in the corner of the room. He quickly settled himself down, before pulling Gabby down to join him. She wiggled slightly to make herself comfortable as she curled up into his right side, her head resting on his chest. Matt looked down, wiping the tears that had pooled in her eyes.
"You ok?"
Gabby sniffed slightly as she ran a hand over Elena's chest. "I don't even know why I am crying. It's just… seeing you with Elena... Matt... Baby… I never thought this day was going to come. You are so good with her… I just can't believe we're doing this… Matt, we're parents… we're actually Elena's parents…" Matt turned in his spot to lean forward to press his lips against Gabby's. Gabby, in turn, snaked her hands around his neck tugging on his hair slightly, moaning slightly at the feeling of Matt's hot lips nipping at her bottom lip. A slight whimper from their bundle of joy caused them to separate.
"Hi Sweetie…" Gabby cooed, watching the baby slowly open her eyes. "Did Daddy jostle you awake? Mean Daddy," she teased lightly. Elena began to wave her arms and legs around whilst scrunching up her face. "Oh baby… I know that look now, you're hungry, aren't you?" Gabby pulled herself into a sitting position, before reaching over to take her from Matt, "And Daddy can't help you with that can he?"
Matt flashed her a 'huh' look releasing the baby to Gabby who stood and made her way over to the glider. "Can you grab my feeding pillow from our room please?"
Gabby danced her way around the dimly lit room as she waited for Matt to return, "It's okay darling, Daddy will be back in a moment," she soothed.
"He will," Matt confirmed in a soft voice, helping her take a seat in the rocking chair, before taking a seat for himself on the couch taking in the sight in front of him. In the low light that lit the room, he watched as Elena nuzzled against her mother's chest as she readied herself to begin nursing. There was something about the scene before him, he could never tear his eyes away from it. It was so precious, watching Gabby feed, the motherly instinct to care for and protect their little girl.
Gabby looked down and rubbed Elena's cheek as she began to suck. Now that she had what she wanted, Elena had quieted right down and was currently looking up at her mother, eyes wide open. Gabby could feel herself getting lost in those bright blue eyes, the ones that had surprised her the most when Elena was born, she had thought all the way through the pregnancy that their baby would have her dark eyes, but a week later they had held their stunning blue colouring. She was sure that they would eventually change. Gabby let her head fall back to lean against the back of the chair, thinking about everything that had led them to this point.
Losing Leslie all those years ago had thrown her for a spin, she had lost her way for a while there. She and Matt had had their share of problems after they had gotten engaged for the first time.
"Matt," she spoke softly, without waiting for him to respond, she kept speaking, "People will tell you that grief fades away over time, that the happy memories crowd out the feelings of loss. But the grief that surrounded my miscarriage was different. It included feelings of guilt, hopelessness and failure. And right now I am caught between the indescribable joy of one baby and the gut-wrenching loss of another. Losing Shay - that feels like a lifetime ago. We lost our way somewhere along that way too. Those were dark, dark days when I wasn't even sure we would make it out, not out together. And then was Louie… Matt there was a time that I thought nothing good would ever come out of this. I lost one person after another. Leslie, Louie, my firefighting dream, the miscarriage, even you. Something deep down always knew that we would make it out somehow. I didn't always acknowledge it, but it was always there… And now…"
Gabby paused and looked down at their precious daughter. "Now, it all doesn't really matter. They will all hold a special place in my heart, but I'm not a failure…"
Matt went to interrupt her, wanting to correct what he saw as a mistake.
"No, I've made mistakes. None of it is going to make a difference to how Elena sees me. We don't know what the future holds for us. We aren't going to be able to make every decision for her and I know we're going to make mistakes along the way. Elena doesn't know about everything that happened before her, some of it we'll teach her, some of it we'll talk about with us. It's all okay. When she opens those big blue eyes, she just sees her mother and protector. And that sounds perfect to me. It's all I really want… it's more than enough for me."
Matt sat back in the chair wondering what had brought him to this point. It really wasn't that long ago that he was debating with Hallie the merits of her careers as opposed to his expectations of a family, but at the same time, it felt like it was another lifetime ago. "There isn't a day that passes that I don't think about our little angel, the one we lost."
As Gabby readjusted Elena back into her arms after settling her down, she watched as Elena nuzzled closer to her, her little legs drawn up towards her in an attempt to find some warmth with her hands tightly balled up.
Looking over at her phone, Gabby noticed the date and smiled. "Happy sleeping my sweet babé. Daddy and I love you so much," she whispered as she pressed a gentle kiss to her daughter's forehead. Carefully she manoeuvred her way towards the crib, softly, carefully placing her sweet daughter down. "Mama and Daddy have waited for this day for so long and we love you so very much."
"Shh, niña... Está bien mamá está aquí. Todo va a estar bien... Shhh, no pasa nada. Por favor, deja de llorar," = Shh, baby girl... It's okay Mama's here. It's going to be okay... Shhh, it's okay. Please stop crying