SLACKERS
EPISODE IV
MARIO AND WARIO
The parking garage next to Slackers is emptier than usual. A loud fan can be heard echoing throughout the floor, interrupted only by the occasional elevator chime, car passing by, or honk from an impatient driver. Most people wouldn't give any of this ambience a second thought. After all, we hear regular noises every day, and these are the ones we forget even exist until an explicit reminder comes into play. Then again, most people aren't the bar owner sitting in a 1958 Corvette on the second-highest floor of the garage. Today, like the past several days, his demeanor is a strange combination of complacency and anxiety. He is aware of everything going on around him. Every motion, every light, every sound. He feels he can't afford not to be constantly vigilant. He believes those who criticize every double negative should just calm the hell down.
Three months ago, Mike was looking forward to getting home and not having to do anything in the foreseeable future. He had fought to keep his bar alive after his partner had nearly destroyed it with loud music and scantily-clad women (and men… *shudder*). He had to run for his life after getting busted for cheating in a national poker tournament. He came face to face with the infamous Team Rocket, becoming fully subjected to their tiresome motto and even worse puns. However, none of it compared to the single object that finally forced Mike to release his building rage.
His pager.
When Mike and Scorch arrived in New Donk City, the agitated bar owner wanted to take a sledgehammer to the gadget, but was ultimately convinced by his girlfriend Misty to spare the device from an untimely demise. After all, it was Mike who couldn't figure out how to work the damn charger. And the long journey atop his Charizard from the Red Mountains was joyful enough for his anger to dissipate. He ultimately decided he was done adventuring, at least for the time being, and he was going to devote his time to being an honest businessman and working on becoming a better friend.
Scorch stayed in his perch on the penthouse for a month before returning to his cave on the other side of the world. He and Misty seemed to be the only ones unfazed by recent events. Mew had become more solitary and careful with his powers. This had happened before, but Mike knew it would only be a matter of time before Mew would forget the definition of modesty yet again. Knuckles wasn't visiting quite as much. Maybe it was to help look after the Master Emerald, maybe it was fear of being suckered into another adventure. No one really knew. At least, not yet.
And Wario? Well, Wario is still "dating" Mona, helping Mike run the bar, threatening to beat up people for their money, and getting on with his life one day at a time. However, it may not be long before Wario's ego undergoes a challenge, one he can only take on with the help of his friends…
Mike stretches his arms, yawns, and looks at the clock in his Corvette. He's been sitting in the car for an hour now, enjoying the peace of the parking garage. He remembers he has to be at the airport in 20 minutes to pick up Misty, whom has been in Lumiose City with her sister Lilly for the past ten days. He flips through the pictures on his phone, the most recent ones being of selfies he's taken with Mew. He wouldn't be caught dead selfie-ing with anyone in public besides him or Misty, or anyone in private besides her and his closest Pokemon. He also sees aerial photos of the world miles below taken from Scorch's back. Eventually, he draws a deep breath, puts his phone away, starts up his car, and takes off for the airport. Upon stopping in the right lane in the "Arrivals" section, he exits his car as a familiar redhead walks his way, backpack in tow…
Mike: Welcome home, Mis!
Misty: You have no idea how badly I've been waiting to hear that.
Mike: Why? Something happen?
Mike opens the trunk of his car, takes Misty's backpack, gently tosses it inside, and closes the lid before opening her door. Misty climbs in the car, they close their doors, and Mike puts the car into gear.
Misty: Nah, I guess not. But you'd feel the same way if you had to spend ten days with Lilly talking your ears off.
Mike: I'm sure that was horrible. Being dragged around such a culturally rich and diverse city, being forced to have things bought for you day and night…
Misty scowls, clearly not amused.
Misty: Don't do that. Of course it was fun. Jesus, am I not allowed to vent to anyone about anything that bothers me anymore?
Mike: Come on, I was only trying to be funny.
Misty: Oh, there's a first.
Mike looks at her, his left eyebrow raised in confusion.
Mike: What are you talking about? I can be funny! I make you laugh all the time.
Misty: Yeah. You USED to.
Mike: The hell is that supposed to mean?
The conversation continues as the car leaves airport property. Because the top of the car is down, Mike decides to avoid freeways and stick to city streets. He doesn't want to repeat the "bugs in his teeth" incident.
Misty: Ever since you got back from meeting Scorch, all you've done is sit on your ass and drag your feet day after day. What happened to you? You used to be the first to jump on board when something exciting was happening.
He gets it. He lets out a deep sigh, adjusts his grip on the steering wheel, and looks at the busy street ahead.
Mike: I don't know if you've noticed, but the thrills I've had are not exactly what I had in mind. I'm quite happy with running my business and spending time with you and my friends, thank you very much.
Misty: Don't you see? That's crazy coming from you! Even when we were in Kanto, when you had no choice but to make dangerous decisions, not only did you make the right ones with flying colors, you enjoyed every second of it.
Mike: Then would you care to enlighten me? Tell me what exactly you think I should do about it!
Misty: For god's sake, grow a pair! Go skydiving! Compete in a Pokemon League! Do something besides sitting at home watching TV and playing poker. I can't stand you acting so dead.
Mike doesn't reply. He knows that deep down he's still an adrenaline junkie (albeit one with the metabolism of a Snorlax), but he also remembers how comfortable he is in his current situation. Sure, too much comfort is not always a good thing, but he's become so accustomed to it, he finds he doesn't have the motivation to break out of it. The drive continues in awkward silence. Now, the silence is more deafening than the ambience around him.
The Bar
At that moment, Slackers is in the middle of its evening peak. Behind the bar, glancing at a nearby TV and polishing a glass stein, is Wario. Business, for the most part, has returned to normal. During the week, he and Mike will take turns supervising the bar, and on weekends, they will run the place together. Today is a Thursday, and Wario seems to have the place under control. He is planning on running the bar by himself for the rest of the night, on the assumption that Mike may want to spend time with Misty after she's been away for the last week and a half.
The door opens. Wario is expecting to see Mike come in, but he is instead greeted by Knuckles, back for the first time in a week. He had already gone off on his tangent about staying away to avoid getting suckered into another scheme, but by now, he is over any bitterness he might have had and has realized how much he missed spending time with his friends.
Knuckles: Evening, everybody.
Everybody: Knux!
Wario: How's life treating you, Mister Echidna?
Knuckles: Like Frogger crossing the LA Freeway.
Knuckles makes his way to his usual barstool, where he rests his elbows and directs his attention at the nearby TV, waiting for Wario to come his way. Tonight, Wario has selected a hockey game. Enough action to keep people hanging around, ordering more drinks in anticipation, but regulated enough to not get in trouble with any families with small children (which almost never happens, but one can't be too careful in today's society).
Knuckles: Where's Mike and Mew?
Wario: Mike's picking up Misty at the airport, but I have no idea what the hell's taking him so long. He left two hours ago. No idea where Mew is. Probably sitting in the lounge like he always does.
Wario pours Knuckles his usual Cabernet, emerges from the bar, and begins his regular tour of the tables. Being the gruff, sarcastic individual he is, whatever he says is entirely dependent on the tables' occupants. His first stop is a small table near the corner, where a blonde, slender man dressed in green is sitting, looking happy to see the owner.
Wario: Good to see you tonight, Link.
Link: Feeling's mutual. Everything been alright lately?
Wario: Lately? Lately it's been pretty damn dead. Knuckles is just starting to come back to visit and Mike's been checked out for months. Kind of hard to enjoy anything when all he wants to do is feel sorry for himself and stay in his comfort zone.
Link: Sorry to hear that, but you realize everyone else's attitudes aren't entirely dependent on him. You seem pretty down too.
Wario: Yeah, but at least I'm honest about it. This sucks! No one's having fun around here, no one's doing anything interesting, and worst of all, there's no one to rob!
Link rolls his eyes.
Wario: Anyway. What'll it be?
Link: Hylian ale, thanks.
Wario's next stop is a table near the stage. Sitting here is Falco Lombardi, back for the first time in several months. While Wario more closely identifies with Wolf, Falco tends to favor conversations with Knuckles. Nevertheless, today he's here with his girlfriend, Katt Monroe.
Wario: What brings you into town, Falco? You don't make the trip from Corneria just to stop by a bar.
Falco: Katt wanted to look at all the cities here. Started in Unova, then here, then we're finishing up in Station Square. I think she just wanted to ride shotgun with such an amazing pilot…
Katt: Ahem!
Falco: I rest my case.
Wario: … right. Just stay away from the Red Mountains.
Falco: Huh?
Wario: Forget it. What can I get you?
Wario continues walking around the tables, taking orders in order of how much he likes the customer. Normally people don't pick up on this and don't say anything. The one recent exception was a few weeks ago when Kirby stopped by without knowing he was walking into Wario's bar. To put it mildly, Wario is still bitter about being knocked out of a poker tournament by the pink puff ball. Terrified, Kirby acted on impulse and began eating customers before Mew had to stop him and kick him out, but to this day, customers still report seeing a small, round figure in the window at night, a shadow cast on the bar by lightning.
The door opens, and Wario's business partner enters his establishment, looking even more sullen and bitter than usual. Wario is surprised to see Misty isn't with him, but his surprise is dwarfed by his disgust.
Wario: Geez Mike, what crawled up your ass and died?
Normally Mike would punch Wario in the face upon hearing such a comment. However he can't even bring himself to do that. He silently walks past Wario, puts his jacket in a cabinet behind the bar, and immediately begins washing glasses. Wario is taken aback at being completely ignored. Knuckles is equally surprised, but after having more time to himself and time to collect his thoughts lately, he is able to begin the conversation in a more empathetic manner.
Knuckles: Hey, what's going on?
Wario: Don't bother. He gets like this sometimes, he'll get out of it eventually.
Mike only responds with a mumble.
Knuckles: You look like you just got back from a funeral. What's wrong?
Mike: Guys, what the hell am I doing?
Wario: Either forgetting how to run a bar or going through some kind of crisis.
Mike: Misty pointed out that I haven't really done anything in a long time. Never really thought about it until recently. I've been hanging out in my comfort zone and not doing anything exciting. Anything worth doing at all, really.
Knuckles takes a sip of his wine and sighs.
Knuckles: Well, think about it. We've been through a lot. It's natural to want to unwind for a bit, so I understand that. I think your mistake is not wanting to come out of it.
Mike raises an eyebrow.
Knuckles: You just need to take that first step. Do that one exciting thing, everything else will fall into place afterwards.
Mike: Like what?
Knuckles: I don't care what. As long as it doesn't involve me having to sit in a hot tub powered by Wario's farting again.
Wario: That felt great and you know it!
Knuckles: Dude… you need to learn when to keep your damn mouth shut…
Mike: Besides, what the hell have you been doing? I don't see you going around trying to make everything all happy go lucky.
Wario: Happy go lucky isn't really my thing. I'm Wario, remember? What do you expect? For the next interesting thing to come waltzing through that door?
Knuckles: Well, it wouldn't be a bad start. I for one would pay good money to see you waltz.
Wario: What is it going to take for you two to start being realistic?
Mike: I can think of a few things right now…
Wario flaps his arms in frustration and rolls his eyes before groaning.
Wario: Fine, know what I'll do? I'll go home, pack a whole fridge full of garlic, chomp down on the whole thing, dress up in my favorite costume and claim I'm a superhero!
Knuckles: You've… um, you've done exactly that.
Wario: Damn right I have! And you know what? Wario-Man is interesting! Not just interesting but badass!
Mike: Not to mention plagued with halitosis…
Knuckles: Can you stop talking in circles and just get to the point?
Wario: If we want to stop being so damn boring, we have to change it ourselves! Maybe not as extreme as Wario-Man on the first day, but first thing in the morning, I'll come charging through that door and shout—
Wario is interrupted by the door opening quickly and dramatically. A ray of sunshine surrounds the silhouette of a man about Wario's height, maybe half to two-thirds his weight, wearing almost identical attire with colors being the only difference, and posing heroically.
Mario: It's-a me, Mario!
Mike, Knuckles, and Wario stare at the door.
Mike: You had to say it, didn't you.
Wario scowls, composes himself, and puts on his trademark dastardly smile.
Wario: Oh, this guy again. Now here's something worth writing home about!
After his grand entrance, Mario begins walking to the bar, gently humming a happy melody. Princess Peach is right behind him, putting away her parasol. Clearly, seeing his longtime rival wasn't exactly what Wario had in mind for an interesting turn of events, but Mike and Knuckles are delighted. Mario's reputation has become something of a mixed bag among the video game community. He has been depicted as an egocentric, abusive douchebag by some, strictly contrasting his perpetual optimism and joy as displayed in his games.
Here, Mario is something of a toned down version of his official reputation. He's not one to be so easily bothered, and he wakes up enjoying each day. He's always pleasant around Mike, Knuckles, and the others, primarily as a show of respect for being mutual customers. He owns a pizza shop a few blocks away which they love to visit, and when he's in town, he stops by to check on his business neighbors.
That, and it gives him a great opportunity to do something he loves: push all of Wario's buttons and enjoying seeing him getting so easily agitated.
Mike: Mario!
Knuckles: Been a while, how've you been?
Mario: Not too bad! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've been able to visit.
Wario: That makes one of us…
Mike gives Wario a subtle slap upside the head as Mario and Peach take their seats. Mario gives Knuckles a friendly nudge on the shoulder as he sits by him, and Peach settles down next to Mario. The proud owner of the universe's most famous mustache takes a look at his rival, smiling coyly.
Mario: Wario.
Wario: Mario.
Mario: I heard a rumor the other day. Something about you causing a nuclear blast in the Red Mountains?
Wario: Where'd you hear that? Baby Chef Boyardee Land?
Mario: No, the same place where I heard something about a fat guy with a fake-looking mustache cheating in a poker tournament.
Mike and Knuckles clearly look a little uneasy.
Wario: It may be fake-looking, but at least it still looks like a mustache and not a mutant caterpillar.
Mario: You want to talk mutants? Have you looked at a mirror lately?
Wario: As a matter of fact, I looked at a mirror last night. That's where your mother wanted to be when I stopped by.
Mario: Joke all you want, at least I have a mother and a father, not a father and a Sasquatch.
Wario: At least being half Sasquatch would give me the muscles to get what I want done! What do you have? Stupid yellow capes that make you think you can fly?
Mario: If you haven't noticed, they DO make me fly. All you have is that stupid bull-horn hat that makes you hit walls a little harder.
Wario: At least I don't need magic mushrooms to make me strong! You'd be nothing if not for those or those stupid Koopa shells you love throwing at people.
Mario: You're just jealous because I can win races!
Wario: WHY YOU—
Clearly a nerve has been hit, and Mike grabs Wario's arms. Mario backs up as Knuckles jumps in the way to help restrain Wario. While he is calming down, the nearby elevator opens. Misty emerges, immediately looking confused by the scene before her. By now, Peach has wisely jumped out of the way, giving the overcompetitive men their space to cool off. Misty notices and begins walking toward Peach.
Misty: Did I miss something?
Peach: Just the usual.
Misty: That bad?
Peach: Yep.
Misty and Peach move away from the commotion to a table halfway across the restaurant. As they're sitting down, they notice Wario has calmed down enough to not have to watch for violence, but his conversation with Mario is still pretty heated.
Misty: Um… so. When'd you get in?
Peach: Just a few minutes ago. I should have known there would be problems as soon as we got to the city.
Misty: You mean Wario?
Peach: Yeah, Wario, and all the idiots on the street who love hooting and hollering as they damn well please.
Misty: Wait, seriously?
Peach nods.
Misty: Well why don't you just go kick their asses? No one's catcalled me in years because they know I'll beat them to a pulp and make them feel like less of a man.
Peach: … I thought you were against recycling lines.
Misty: Have I said that before?
Peach: Twice, I think.
Misty: All the more reason you should do something about those pigs.
Peach: I appreciate that, but you know I'm not much of a fighter. In fact all I seem to be known for is getting kidnapped and having to wait for Mario to rescue me. Over. And over. Again.
Misty: And you aren't tired of it?
Peach: Of course I'm tired of it! But what am I gonna do? The Mushroom Kingdom isn't gonna run itself and I can't leave Toad in charge anymore.
Misty: … do I want to know why not?
Peach: No, trust me.
The girls are interrupted by loud footsteps as Mario, Wario, Knuckles and Mike make their way to the dartboard. Whenever Mario visits, Wario always feels the need to find some way to beat or humiliate Mario. The dartboard is often the first place they start. The contests have begun.
A few minutes later…
Wario: You son of a bitch!
All Mario can do is smirk. He's just won his third game of darts. Mike and Knuckles had lost interest about halfway through the second game. Apparently they became so bored, so tired of the predictability of these contests between Mario and Wario, they resorted to retreating to the employees only lounge to join Mew in watching Planet Kanto.
Mario: I'm up for another game if you feel like you need another shot.
Wario: Yeah, screw that. I don't know how the hell you always win everything. You're cheating! Somehow I know it!
Mario: We both know I don't cheat, Wario. I guess I just know how to beat you.
Wario: That's a load of horse shit, you skinny prick! What about minus world or that stupid jump you always make when we race in my stadium?
Mario: Those don't count. Minus world exists just like the others, and frankly it's cute that you're accusing me of cheating because you can't design race tracks for crap.
Wario: One of these days, Mario, ONE OF THESE DAYS…
Wario is interrupted by the sight of Mike, Knuckles, and Mew emerging from the lounge, intent on convincing Wario to give up before embarrassing himself any further. Of course, such a feat is impossible to accomplish, so the next best thing will have to do.
Wario: What the hell do you guys want?
Mike: Well, we were talking, and we thought of something we can do with Mario. Something that might restore even a shred of your dignity.
Wario folds his arms, scowls, and takes a menacing look at Mario before turning his attention to his friends.
Wario: I'm listening…
Knuckles: Tonight's poker night. We could pull up a chair for Mario…
Knuckles looks at Mario.
Knuckles: If that's alright with you and Peach.
Mario: Sure, sounds fun! It's been years since I've played, so you've already got the upper hand.
Wario: *Grins evilly* Really? Heheheheh…
Mario: Peachy!
Still at the table with Misty, Peach perks up and looks toward Mario. Mew floats in their direction, parking midair next to their table.
Peach: Yes?
Mario: You mind if I stay late here and play poker?
Peach: Yeah, that's fine. I've actually been talking with Misty about going on a trip with her.
Mike: Trip?
Misty: To the fighting dojo in Saffron so Emmy and I can teach her to kick ass.
Mike: Uh… okay then…
Mario: Who's Emmy?
Wario begins drooling.
Wario: A babe, that's what she is…
…and the drooling is abruptly terminated by a swift kick in the nuts from Mike. Wario collapses in pain.
Wario: Worth it…
Mew: Anyone's desirable to you considering they're all harder to get than your girlfriend, Wario.
Knuckles: Emily is Mike's sister. She lives in his old apartment in Saffron City raising Pokémon and training at the dojo. It might surprise you that Wario's attitude is completely different when she's around.
Mario: Why's that?
Knuckles: She's a black belt.
Misty: And she could certainly teach Peach a thing or two about defending herself. In style, no less.
Mew: Never stops Wario when she's not within kicking distance, though.
Wario: Come on. You can't possibly expect me to believe I'm the only one who thinks she's gorgeous.
Misty twitches a little. Mike notices, and is already dreading the inevitable conversation with her that is to come.
Mike: Wario, how many times have I told you to knock it off!
Knuckles: True, he could handle it more tactfully, but he's not entirely wrong.
Mike: Meaning?
Mew: Mike, face it. Your sister's hot. It's a miracle the two of you came from the same parents.
Knuckles: Sometimes I wonder if you actually did.
Feeling some sort of vindication, Wario breaks out into laughter.
Peach: I feel like there's some sort of history behind this conversation…
Misty: There is, and it got tiresome YEARS ago.
Wario: If you're all done getting in a hissy fit because she's hotter than you, you're welcome to get on with your trip now.
Immediately Wario realizes he has pissed off both Mike and Misty to an extreme. Before anyone has a chance to murder him, he turns around and takes off for the lounge, locking the door behind him.
Misty: How have we not killed him already?
Peach: Come on, let's get going. It won't do us any good hanging around here longer than we have to.
Simmered down by Peach's calm voice of reason, Misty takes a deep breath and stands up.
Misty: You're right. We can deal with him once you've picked up a few moves in Saffron. I just need to go upstairs and pack.
Peach stands up, and they push the chairs under the table.
Misty: Mew, could you teleport us there in a few minutes?
Mew: Sure. While you're there, can you do me a favor?
Misty: What's that?
Mew: Have Shellshocker call Mike and ask him why he hasn't charged the pager.
Mike: I heard that, you little shit!
Mew: Hehe!
Misty, Peach, and Mew head for the elevator. Along the way, they stop by Mike, Mario, and Knuckles.
Misty: Not sure how long we'll be there, but call me if you need anything.
Peach: You too, Mario.
Mike: Alright. Just make sure Mew doesn't get into too much trouble.
Mew: What are you talking about? I'm not going! There's no way I'd miss poker with both Mario and Wario.
Mike: Then how are you planning on getting them home?
Misty: You seem to be forgetting that the world's most powerful Psychic trainer has a gym next door to the fighting dojo…
Mike blanks out for a second, then turns red in the face and looks at the floor.
Mike: Oh. Right.
Without saying another word, Misty, Peach and Mew enter the elevator, bound for the penthouse so Misty can pack. Wario is still in the lounge.
Knuckles: She looks pissed. What did you do?
Mike: Don't worry about it. As soon as Wario grows his balls back and Mew warps the girls to Saffron, I'm closing the place out early. I have a feeling it's gonna be a long night.
Elsewhere, an hour later…
In the faraway region of Kanto is an 18th-story apartment overlooking the central metropolis, Saffron City. The home is fairly standard, with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a balcony. One of the bedrooms is used by the residence's sole occupant. The walls are decorated with festive posters commemorating leagues and special events, photographs of family and friends, and trophies and awards. The atmosphere speaks of a young prodigy. Her inner child is still intact due to her fairly recent transition into adulthood, and it shows. The bed is covered in stuffed animals, but the living room is clean, shiny, and decorated in such a way that the occupant's age would be hard to guess.
The second bedroom doesn't quite appear to have found its primary use yet. A very large, messy blanket rests on the floor, indicating it is used regularly. Expensive camera equipment litters the floor, but the room only appears cluttered, not dirty, as if the owner of this equipment is a very busy person. Two chairs are perched on the balcony, a small table between them. Many would be envious of this high-rise porch with a spectacular view.
The sound of a key twisting in a lock is heard, and the front door opens. Entering her home is a petite brunette clad in sport shorts, a small gym tee, sneakers, and a ball cap with her ponytail secured in the back. She hurriedly tosses her backpack onto her couch in the living room and immediately sets to work preparing her home for guests. She unclips a Poke Ball from her belt, tosses it in front of her, and a Bulbasaur appears, ready to help her get to work.
The second bedroom will clearly need the most attention. She stows her equipment and lays out two air mattresses, intent on inflating them at the last minute when they will have peak air capacity. She opens the window blinds, reorganizes her kitchen in a presentable way, and simply closes the door to her room. Her Bulbasaur takes its job cleaning the bathroom by using vine whip to grab some sponges and brushes and multitask in a way no human could pull off.
Finally, the apartment is clean. The trainer recalls her Bulbasaur, moves her backpack to her room, and awaits the arrival of her guests. She hears someone knocking at the door. Not one to keep her visitors waiting, she opens the door and greets them warmly.
Meanwhile, in New Donk City…
The bar has closed early, and the weekly Slackers poker night has begun. Mike, Wario, Mew and Knuckles are in their usual seats, with Mario in an extra chair between Mike and Knuckles. Wario is down from his starting amount, but not enough to give up in frustration. Not yet anyway. Mike and Mario are constantly checking each others' stacks of chips to see whose is higher. Mew is just ready to see what will happen should Mario beat Wario, and Knuckles is leaning back in his chair, relaxing to the best of his ability. For this hand, it's Mario's turn to deal.
Tonight the guys have decided to have a mixed-game night, in which the dealer picks the game they'll play. Mario takes Mike's Nintendo cards, gesturing a sign of respect with a subtle smile and a nod, and begins shuffling the deck. Being one known to have a strong association with tradition and classics, he has just the game in mind.
Mario: Okay guys, the hand is five-card draw, jokers wild. And no, I don't mean that's an excuse for you to go nuts, Wario.
Wario: … huh?
Knuckles: He's calling you a joker and asking you not to lose your head if this doesn't go your way.
Wario: Oh. Funny. *rolls eyes*
Mario deals five cards to each player, and each of them studies their hands carefully. Knuckles, sitting to the left of the dealer, has the opening bet. He has a pair of fours, but isn't ready to invest in it yet.
Knuckles: Check.
Wario looks at his cards, then at Mario, then back at his cards. Tonight he doesn't care about winning it all (for a change), he just wants to finish with more chips than Mario. Even that would be enough to count for a win. At the moment, Mario is still ahead, but Wario's current hand might be good enough to give him a huge advantage over the others in chip count. He has two Aces, a six, a nine, and a Jack. The draw could provide him with more aces, or even a full house if he's lucky. He bets two black 100 chips, a large amount of money for a Slackers game.
Wario: Hope this doesn't scare you off, pal!
Mario chuckles. Any response would give Wario the chance to fire another infantile comeback. Besides, his primary focus is on seeing the reactions of the other players, what they'll do in response.
Mew: Fold.
Mike: Yep.
Ten cards are handed to Mario to be discarded. Mario picks up two black chips, then three more. He tosses them to the middle of the table.
Wario: Oho! Looks like someone brought his big boy hat today!
Knuckles: And it's definitely not me. I'm out.
Knuckles joins Mew and Mike in the Fold Committee. Wario raises Mario two more chips. Mario raises by another one. Finally Wario calls.
Mario: Cards?
Wario removes the six and the nine from his deck and hands them to Mario, anxiously waiting for his new cards. Mario deals two more to Wario. He picks one up. An Ace, giving him a total of three. Now the best thing he can hope for is one more Ace for an unbeatable four-of-a-kind or a Jack for an impressive full house. The card? A two.
Wario conceals his disappointment and begins considering his odds of winning with three Aces. Still not a bad hand. He waits for Mario to replace his cards. He stands pat, and Mike's eyebrows raise in curiosity.
Knuckles: Uh-oh.
Mew: That's not good for you, Wario.
In a shocking breach of character, Wario keeps his remarks to himself. Mario's bluffing. He has to be. Only an idiot wouldn't fold automatically when his opponent keeps his current hand. Or perhaps Mario's cards really are that good… but, being Wario, he is more determined than ever to knock his nemesis out of the game.
Wario: All-in!
Mew: Wario, you can't be serious.
Mike: Mew, if that's what he wants to play, let him. I for one am ready to see the cards!
Mario looks at his cards and begins consciously twirling his mustache. In many players, this might be a dead giveaway for someone bluffing, but Mario is far from most players. He lets off a gentle shrug and calls Wario's bet.
Mario: There you go. Let's see what you got.
Wario, grinning, slaps his cards on the table face-up, revealing his three Aces.
Wario: Top that, loser! Ah-hahahahaha!
Mario: Okay.
In a nonchalant and calm show of demeanor, Mario sets his cards down for the table to see. A ten, Queen, and King in diamonds… and two jokers.
Wario: You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Mew: Well… he did say Jokers Wild before you agreed to play, and those jokers give him the royal…
Steam erupts from Wario's ears as Mario takes the last of his poker chips, eliminating him from the game.
Mario: Good game, Wario! That was fun!
Wario: I thought you said you hadn't played in a long time, you son of a bitch!
Mario: I haven't. Not since the New Donk City Championship five years ago.
Everyone: Ooooohhh…
Mike: Shit, I completely forgot about that.
Knuckles: I have to hand it to you, Mario. Well played. Not just the poker, but convincing us you couldn't do it. Well done.
Mew: Even I'm not that clever.
Wario: You know what?! Fuck you guys! This is so stupid! Why can't I beat you in anything?!
Mike: Dude, calm down, it's just a game…
Wario: No, it is NOT just a game! All my life, Mario always got his way! He always won every game, every contest, got all the girls, all the coins! I've had it!
Wario angrily stands up and begins stomping toward the door.
Knuckles: Where are you going?
Wario: I'm going home. I'm not putting up with this crap anymore!
Wario steps outside and slams the door behind him. Mike, Mario, Knuckles, and Mew are left at the table, bewildered by Wario's outburst.
Saffron City, the next morning…
In the city's smaller gym, not affiliated with the Pokémon League, a seasoned karate master is seen wiping down a glass case containing one of dozens of his trophies. This is Kiyo, the man who has been running the Fighting Dojo since taking over for his sensei, Koichi, many years ago. Upon drying the glass case, he glances at a photo on the wall, in which he is standing with one of his favorite students. This was the ceremony in which she became the youngest black belt under his teaching. He smiles, knowing she will be in today with two friends.
Upon hearing the doorbell, Kiyo makes his way to the entrance, where he opens the door to find the smiling face of his pupil.
Kiyo: Ah, Emily! So good of you to return!
Emily: Always an honor, sensei.
The two of them exchange a friendly bow, and Emily turns to her visitors.
Emily: You remember Misty?
Kiyo: Indeed. The gym leaders were better off with you in our ranks.
Misty: That's very kind of you, but I think my sisters are doing an okay job.
Kiyo: An okay job at remodeling the gym every three months, perhaps…
Misty: Well… you know them. As soon as something become fashionable, it's no longer cool to them because they thought of it first. Damn hipsters.
Kiyo: And who do we have here?
Emily: This is Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Misty: We were hoping you could help us teach her some moves.
Kiyo: Well, normally I'd need to schedule an individual lesson, but any friend of Emily's is a friend of mine.
Kiyo hands white robes and white belts to Misty and Peach. Emily has come with her black belt attire already. They begin with punches and kicks, but it's clear Peach has no idea what she's doing. At one point, she closes her eyes and accidentally kicks Misty, whom retaliates with a reflex low sweeping kick, knocking Peach over. Kiyo chuckles as Emily groans, her hand covering her face.
Kiyo: I can see we have a long way to go…
Slackers, the next morning…
Mike is up, bright and early as usual, cleaning the floors at the bar. It's a new hobby he's picked up. He used to have Mew use his psychic powers to magically clean everything in an instant, but manually cleaning the place himself gives him the satisfaction of earning his good looking bar. Wario arrives a few minutes later, locking the front door behind him.
Wario: Well?
Mike: … well what?
Wario: Aren't you gonna go on some kind of smartass speech about me getting so mad?
Mike: No, I think I'm just gonna let this one run its course.
Wario: You have to at least understand WHY I'm cranky about Mario always winning everything.
Mike: Try not to let it get to you too much, War. I'm sure there's a lot you can do that Mario can't. We just haven't figured out what yet.
Wario: Oh yeah? Name one.
Mike: Easy. You… um… eh…
Mike scratches his head, clearly embarrassed that he can't think of a single thing Wario could beat Mario in.
Wario: Uh huh. That's what I thought.
Mike: You're a better bar owner than he is?
Wario: … Mario doesn't own a bar.
Mike: Exactly.
Wario: That's not what I mean, and you know it, dipshit!
Mike: Okay, okay. Tell you what. Knuckles is supposed to be back again today. When we gets here, we'll think of something.
Wario: What do you mean?
Mike: So I can't think of anything off the top of my head. There has to be something you can beat Mario in. When Knuckles gets here, we'll get together and come up with something. We won't stop until we figure out what you can do better than Mario.
Wario: You mean it?
Mike: Yep…
New Donk City driving range, an hour later…
Mike, Wario, Knuckles and Mew are exiting the golf clubhouse, walking down a path toward the range. Each of them is carrying a bucket of golf balls and a club.
Mew: You know, golf wasn't really I had in mind when we came up with this idea…
Mike: Hey, it's worth a shot. Wario used to be a pretty powerful golfer back in the day.
Knuckles: Used to be? Why'd you stop playing?
Wario looks at Mike.
Wario: You tell it. It still hurts thinking about it.
Confused, Knuckles and Mew give Mike their attention as well.
Mike: Well, one day, when they were practicing for a tournament, Wario and his brother were trying to show off their skills to DK and Diddy Kong. Waluigi is about as crap as it gets in sports, but Wario was hitting half mile drives.
Mew: Jesus.
Mike: After hitting one of those, that particular ball smacked Bowser right in the eye. He was pretty pissed about it.
Knuckles: Knowing Bowser, "pissed" is probably an understatement…
Wario: You don't have to tell me. He chased us and threw a damn Bob-Omb at us. I haven't played since. I'm kind of over occupational hazards. Why else would running WarioWare have been a desk job?
The guys find an empty station and set down their gear.
Mike: Okay War. Let's see what you got.
Wario: Here-a we go!
Wario sets the first ball on a wooden tee. He gets into position, squats a little and wiggles his hips in true Nintendo fashion. Neglecting to take any practice swings, his club is hoisted high in the air before completely missing the ball on the downswing.
Knuckles: Oof. Good show of power. Might help if you hit the ball.
Wario: Shut up, Knucklehead.
Wario takes another swing, and again, completely misses. He's fairly certain he can see Mew covering his mouth in a fit of giggles in his peripheral vision, but he ignores it. He raises his club, and begins a third swing—
Knuckles: Wait, Wario!
Distracted, Wario not only misses the ball, but puts so much momentum into his swing, he falls down face forward. He angrily jumps up, fuming at Knuckles.
Wario: WHAT?!
Knuckles: Just wanted to say good luck.
Wario: I'm gonna freakin' murder you one day.
Knuckles: If your aim's anything like today, then I don't really have anything to worry about.
Wario: Jackass…
Wario turns back to the ball and tee on the ground. He takes a deep breath, pausing for a moment to glare evilly at the wisecracking echidna, and finally makes contact with a powerful swing. The ball is launched almost directly straight into the air. Its altitude might be worthy of breaking records, but the ball lands only 100 feet in front of them.
Mike: Okay, good! That was a good start!
Knuckles: *mumbling* Finally…
Wario: Why don't you try, Knuckles? Ten coins says you can't hit a better shot than that!
Knuckles: What's the conversion rate between coins and rings?
Wario: How the hell am I supposed to know? Forget it. If you're such a seasoned golf critic, YOU try it!
Knuckles: I thought you'd never ask!
Wario sits down on a nearby bench next to Mike as Knuckles readies his turn. He looks ahead at the range, carefully studying the placement of Wario's ball and figuring out how to beat it. By the time he takes his swing, he's made that task look all too easy. It lands over 200 yards away.
Wario: Lucky shot…
Mike: One shot doesn't determine one's skill level. Let's keep going.
It's now Mike's turn. He steps up, sets down a new ball, swings, and lands the ball just shy of Knuckles'. Mew will obviously be a bit of a unique case. Being much smaller than the others, he has been forced to use a child's club. Unfortunately, the only one the clubhouse had was bright pink.
Mike: Aww…
Mew: Shut. Up.
Mew remembers the promise he made to play fair and try to hit proportionally to the other guys. So it's naturally their fault when they don't account for Mew planning on cheating after being made fun of. He hits the ball so hard, it disappears over the horizon in seconds. The other three stand up, block the sun from their eyes, and stare beyond the range, looking for any sign of the ball.
Wario: Where'd it go?
Knuckles: Dammit Mew, I thought we agreed no psychic powers!
Mew: Wait for it…
Their attention completely paid to the range ahead, none of them stop to think about their surroundings. Immediately after thinking he might be hearing something moving fast behind them, Mike is suddenly knocked over by something crashing into the back of his head. Wario walks over to the guilty object—Mew's golf ball.
Wario: Wahahahaha!
Knuckles: Nevermind. I'll give that one a pass.
Mike rubs the back of his head and slowly gets up.
Mike: What the fuck, Mew?!
Mew: Yeah, maybe you'll think twice before you make another stupid "Aww" comment. You've just been hit by my Orbital Smash Drive!
Mike: Fine. But if we decide to play a golf tournament, I'd suggest not trying it there.
After the laughter from the remaining three subsides, Wario readies his next turn. And guess what? He misses his first swing. He immediately stares at Knuckles, waiting for a comment. Knuckles looks like he might have been about to make one, but he leans back, whistling, his hands behind his head. Wario disregards him and proceeds to take another shot. He raises his club, takes a deep breath, and swings with all his might. The ball soars vertically. It keeps rising. And rising. Mike, Mew and Knuckles look at the sky, waiting for the damn thing to land.
Knuckles: Speaking of orbital drives, I think Wario just sent his ball into orbit…
Wario: Dammit! Why can't I hit them FORWARD?!
Knuckles: Whenever you actually hit them at all…
Enraged, Wario bends his club in an L-shape. He throws the thing out into the range with full force, but it doesn't land.
Mike: Uh-oh…
Spinning in midair, the club circles back above the range, heading for another stall. Wario's makeshift boomerang comes into contact with a large figure about 15 stalls down.
Knuckles: Ouch…
Mike studies the occupant of the stall.
Mike: … wait…
Upon recognizing the figure, his eyes widen and his face is petrified in fear.
Mike: We should probably get out of here.
Wario: Why? … oh. Oh, shit.
Over at the stall several yards away from them is a very pissed off looking Bowser, his face bruised by Wario's club. Steam spurts out his nose, and the koopa king growls deeply, and angrily. He begins marching towards the group.
Knuckles: Uh… guys? Bail?
Mike: Yeah. Bail.
Mew: Please tell me you brought my Master Ball.
Mew turns around. Mike, Knuckles, and Wario are running for the exit at top speed. He turns back around. Bowser is closing in on him.
Mew: Wait for me! Cowards!
Realizing he won't catch up with them, Bowser draws in a deep breath and unleashes a massive fireball. Mew uses Barrier, and the fire passes around his shield. He looks on ahead to see the giant fireball strike its hapless victims. His shot landed, Bowser turns around and walks back toward his station at the range. Mew hovers to the other guys to find them on the ground, groaning and burnt to a crisp, smoke coming from their bodies. He laughs at the scene, which looks like it was taken straight from the Looney Tunes.
Knuckles: You just HAD to injure Bowser again, didn't you.
Wario: Shut up…
Mew smiles and tilts his head.
Mew: Maybe golf isn't such a good idea, huh?
Mike: You think?
Meanwhile, at the Fighting Dojo…
Kiyo: Alright, try again.
Peach is repeating the same moves she's trying to learn. In front of her is one of those dummies you kick when you're practicing. She is definitely improving, but she still wouldn't be a match for a real fighter.
Kiyo: Again.
She repeats the drill one more time. At the end, she starts breathing heavily, fatigued and frustrated.
Peach: I don't think I can do this…
Misty: What are you talking about? You're doing great!
Emily: She's right. You're picking up on this even faster than I did when I first started.
Kiyo: Peach, let's get to the core of your concern. Why do you think you're doubting yourself?
Peach: I mean, for one thing, I don't exactly look very menacing. No one will take me seriously.
Kiyo: That is why you must utilize the element of surprise. If someone on the street is harassing you, and you take matters into your own hands, how do you think they'll react when you approach them?
Peach: Well… I haven't really thought that far ahead. I always ignore them and keep walking.
Kiyo: And how do they react when you walk away?
Peach: They keep commenting on just about anything they can think of…
Emily: Peach, have you always handled it that way? You've never confronted anyone about it?
Peach: What am I supposed to do? If I walk right up to one of them, they'll probably just say something about how their catcalls worked and how I can't resist them.
Emily: Oh, barf.
Misty: Double barf.
Kiyo: That should be the moment you strike! They will not expect you to have superior knowledge of the martial arts. You'd probably send them running off crying.
Peach: That'd be nice. It's what I came here for. But I just can't find it in me to take all this seriously.
Kiyo walks over to the mattress on the floor, and sits on it. He rests his elbows on his knees, clasps his hands together, and brings his head to his hands.
Kiyo: Alright. I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath.
Out of options, Peach does as instructed.
Kiyo: We need to search for your inner warrior. Warriors are always inspired by a task or a goal. What is something you have always wanted? Not anything material. Something you have wanted to accomplish?
Emily: Don't even think, just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
Peach: I want to stop getting abducted by Bowser all the time and being used for extortion.
Kiyo closes his eyes, tilting his head to the ceiling, searching for answers. Peach remains motionless, her eyes still closed, her breaths deep and regulated.
Kiyo: Ah, an excellent goal. I'm aware of your unfortunate run-ins with the Koopa king.
Peach furrows her brow, annoyed that she's known for being a damsel in distress, but after a few more breaths, she resumes her concentration.
Kiyo: I want to imagine you're somewhere else. You're in your castle and the sun has set. Bowser is coming to take you away. You are aware he is about to break down your door. What is your first reaction?
Peach: What do I normally do, or what do I do in my mind?
Kiyo: In your mind. We're playing out a hypothetical scene. Remember everything I've taught you.
Everything comes back to Peach. She remembers being completely defenseless and powerless to stop Bowser. However, her imagination begins to run wild. She imagines hiding against the wall, behind where the door will open, as Bowser emerges. He storms in and she sneaks behind him. She takes a deep breath, leaps, and lands a powerful kick to the back of the Koopa's head, knocking him over. He lands on his shell, unable to get up. The pent up anger has burst after years of swelling. She opens her eyes, adorned with fire.
Kiyo: Good. Good! Now, imagine I am Bowser. You've just gained an advantage by taking me by surprise. Show me what you have learned?
Without hesitation, Peach cries out and begins barraging Kiyo with a series of well-placed kicks, chops, and punches. He defends himself to the best of his ability. Misty and Emily are stunned.
Peach: YOU BASTARD!
With one last shout, Peach leaps behind Kiyo, sweeps his legs, and knocks him to the floor. She sets one of her feet on his chest, breathing heavily. Kiyo acknowledges defeat, catching his breath and smiling at Peach.
Kiyo: It seems you've found your inner warrior, Princess.
Peach comes to her senses and begins laughing.
Peach: Oh my god, I can't believe I just did that!
She steps back, extends her hand, and helps Kiyo up off the floor. Peach looks at Misty and Emily, their jaws wide open, but obviously ecstatic about the outcome. All three of them begin laughing. Misty, the first to calm down, speaks her mind.
Misty: You're ready.
Meanwhile, at the New Donk City Raceway…
Wario: Waaaaaaaah!
Wario's kart has just finished its tumble after being struck by a red shell, courtesy of a smug-looking Mew. The Pokémon passes him in his own kart, leaving a banana peel behind.
Wario: Oh no you don't! Get back here, you brat!
After the failed golf experiment, the guys have decided to give racing a try, and the only racing known around these parts is Mario Kart. Mew has taken the lead, and Wario speeds up to avoid falling back into 3rd. Mike is gaining on him, but he has no items left after leaving behind a fake question block. He can hear Knuckles cursing at him from behind. Mike is able to get just behind Wario, but his opponent uses a mushroom to give his kart a speed boost, enough to get him back in range of Mew.
Wario drives through a question block, eagerly awaiting his next item. To his shock and joy, it is a star. He uses the star, begins glowing in every conceivable color, and starts gaining on Mew. The invincibility music is heard coming from Wario's kart. Mew notices Wario picking up speed behind him and drops another banana peel. Wario plows right through it, then proceeds to blow right through Mew. He has come in second for the last two races, and he's not about to lose this one. Now well in the lead, Wario makes a sharp left turn, setting his sights on the finish line.
He hears something flying behind him. Something making a loud whooshing sound. Coming up on him fast. It can only be one thing.
Wario: SHIIIIIIII—
And sure enough, Wario's kart is attacked by a blue shell, rendering him immobilized for three precious seconds, but it's not Mew passing him. Or Mike. It's a vindictive-looking Knuckles.
Knuckles: That's for knocking me into a piranha plant in the first lap, dick!
As Wario is able to get moving again, Mew passes him. He watches them both cross the finish line, and he has no items left. Begrudgingly willing to accept third place, he comes within five feet of the finish line before being attacked by a red shell. Mike crosses the line less than a second before he does. Wario hops off his kart and bites his hat, angrily thrashing his head around (think his losing reaction in MK64 or the first Mario Party). He then throws it to the ground and angrily stomps on it.
Mike: Looks like racing might not be our best bet, either…
Wario: WAAAAAAH! WHY?!
Knuckles: Dude, relax…
Mew: You're talking to a guy as stubborn as a Thwomp right now, Knux.
A few minutes later, Wario calms down, puts his hat back on his head, and takes a seat at a nearby bench, looking utterly hopeless and defeated. As immature and dense as this guy can be, the others can't help but take pity on him. Mike and Knuckles sit on the bench, flanking Wario.
Knuckles: Come on. At least you did your best.
Wario: That's the problem. My best stinks.
Mike: No, it doesn't. We just haven't found your forte yet.
Wario sighs and looks at the ground.
Wario: I give up. I'm never gonna beat Mario at anything.
In a rare yet touching display, Mike puts his arm around his best friend's shoulder.
Mike: You know, maybe this obsession with beating Mario just isn't worth it. Who says you have to compete with him at all?
Wario: It's in my nature to humiliate anyone who tries outwitting me.
Mew: Think about it this way. Do you think Mario would be good at robbing banks? No! He'd wuss out! Do you think he has what it takes to run a successful micro game company or a beloved bar? No! He'd just micromanage everything and blame anyone else! You know he doesn't run that pizza kitchen, he makes Luigi do all the work!
Wario: Well, I suppose that's true…
Mew: Damn right it's true! You and Mario are just different people with different skill sets. Sure, he's more athletic than you, but who the hell cares?
Knuckles: And you've got us. I know we all give you the business and we're all tough on you, but you know it's all in good fun. You do the same thing to us and it delights you.
Mew: I for one would take a bullet for you, buddy.
Wario: That's easy for you to say. You would just conjure up a barrier and the bullet would bounce right off you.
Mew: Alright, if we're getting technical…
Mike: I think we should just call it a day. There's probably a line of angry sober guys wondering why the bar isn't open…
Wario: Oh, alright…
Knuckles: And if they piss you off, you can just do what you do best. Beat them up and take all their money!
Wario smiles. The guys all stand up and begin walking, bound for the bar.
A few minutes later, a few blocks away…
Misty and Peach have just returned from Saffron City. Sabrina, the psychic gym leader, has a gym next to the Fighting Dojo, and Misty is one of the very few people she calls a friend. She has warped them back to New Donk City, in an alley a few blocks from Slackers, where the guys are probably waiting.
Meat head: Hey you!
Misty and Peach turn to the source of the voice, a big, dumb looking guy in a tank top wearing an oversized hat.
Meat head: Hey there Peaches, how'd you like to take a ride?
In the past, Peach would have ignored men like him and continued on their way. This time, she stops in place and turns to face him.
Peach: I'm sorry, what did you just say to me?
Meat head: You heard me babe, stop talking and come over here and I'll show you a real good time!
Misty gently takes Peach's arm.
Misty: You don't have to dignify that asshole with a response if you don't want to.
Meat head: Maybe your hot little redhead friend can join us and watch, or maybe I'll let you two perform for me!
Misty: What the HELL did you just say?!
Misty looks even angrier than she would if Wario had insulted her mother. Peach shoves off Misty's arm and begins walking to the guy.
Peach: I think you owe my friend an apology.
Around the corner, four goofballs emerge, heading in a direction that will pass the scene. One of them notices what's going on before anyone else.
Mike: Misty?
Meat head: Okay. I'll apologize after you punish your little girlfriend for speaking out of line!
Mike's eyes widen. He looks so angry, the other three slowly back away. Even his "broken" pager didn't piss him off this much. He begins storming toward the scene.
Peach: You asked for it…
In a swift, elegant motion, Peach sweeps the goon's legs by kicking the back of his knees. He falls to the ground and she gives him a series of well-deserved kicks in the groin and the ribs. Clearly more wimpy than he tries to look, he makes no attempt to fight back.
Peach: My name is Peach. NOT Peaches.
In pure shock, Mike runs over to Peach's side. He tries to maintain his composure, but all he can manage is a squeak accompanied by wide eyes.
Mike: Okay, I'm impressed.
Peach: Your sis is a good teacher!
Peach winks and Mike returns a smile. They both look down at the humiliated goon.
Mike: Now then, is there something you'd like to say to the lady?
Meat head: *Groaning* Sorry…
Mike: Say it like you mean it…
Mike steps on the guy's chest.
Meat head: My apologies, ma'am… I've learned a lesson I won't soon forget…
Peach: Good boy.
Mike reaches out to help the guy up, and he takes his hand. He stands up and backs away slowly.
Mike: Make sure you tell all your friends what happened here. If you don't, I'll know. And I'll have this story printed on every newspaper in the Metro Kingdom!
Meat head: Yes sir!
He takes off running. Peach is certain she can see him crying, and smiles in satisfaction.
Mike: I don't think you have to worry about guys like that anymore!
Wario, Knuckles, and Mew catch up with Mike and Peach.
Knuckles: Damn, Peach! You kicked his ass!
Wario: If only you'd try that with Mario. There's a sight I'd like to see!
Mew: Can I get your autograph?
Peach blushes, an overwhelming sense of pride filling her. Mike and Misty catch each other's eyes, and they smile at each other for the first time in a long time.
Meat head: You know what? Screw this! I'm not done with you punks yet!
The others about face to find the meat head walking back over. Everyone looks confused, with the exception of Mew. His expression is pure delight.
Mew: Um, yeah. I'm pretty sure you are indeed done.
Mew looks up. The meat head mimics.
Meat head: What the…?
A golf ball lands square between his eyes, and he's knocked unconscious. Mike, Knuckles, and Mew slowly turn and stare at Wario, his hands on his hips and a smug grin on his face.
Mike: Did… did that really just happen?
Slackers, two hours later…
Anyone who might have been pissed about the bar not opening in time is clearly no longer bothered. The tables are full, the bar is full, the atmosphere is vibrant. Mike and Wario are both tending the bar tonight to accommodate for the busy evening. Knuckles, their favorite customer, is sitting in his usual bar stool, with his friendly rival Sonic in the seat to his left.
Knuckles: Well, sorry it didn't work out like we'd hoped, Wario.
Wario: It's alright. At the end of the day, I get to spend it here taking people's money. My favorite thing!
Sonic: Don't you still have to buy your inventory, though?
Wario: Nah. Mew takes care of that.
Mew: 'Eyo!
Mew flips in midair over the bar, and two glasses of bourbon materialize in front of Sonic and Knuckles.
Sonic: Nice! I wouldn't mind being in your position, Wario.
Wario grins, puffing out his chest and twirling his mustache.
Sonic: Of course, now I'll be expecting free drinks since I know your secret.
Wario: Ah, extortion! Another one of my favorite hobbies! Tell you what, hedgehog. Keep your mouth shut about where the drinks come from and they're on the house from now on.
Sonic raises his glass.
Sonic: Deal! To Wario, everyone!
Everyone: To Wario!
Mike: You know, maybe complacency isn't so bad after all.
Knuckles: Oh?
Mike: Think about it. We may be four boring guys in way over our heads, but at least we got each other. And if we have to spend our lives doing the same thing, I can think of far worse things than hanging out here and making people happy.
Wario: Even if it costs them and it's only for one night at a time!
Mew: Hear, hear!
Amidst the celebration, Mike's cellphone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and checks the ID. It's Mario.
Mike: What's up?
Mario: Hey, Mike! Peach and I are going back to the Mushroom Kingdom tomorrow morning, so I wanted to tell you we're gonna stop by one more time before we head out.
Mike looks at Wario. He doesn't want to ruin the positive atmosphere, but he doesn't want to turn Mario, someone he really likes, away. Maybe it'll be a good opportunity for him and Wario to finally clear the air.
Mike: We'll be here. See you soon.
Mike hangs up the phone, takes a deep breath, and approaches Wario.
Mike: Hey, buddy. Just giving you a heads up, Mario's coming by tonight before he leaves tomorrow.
Sonic, Knuckles and Mew exchange worried looks.
Wario: Ah, let 'im come. If he starts trash talking me, I'll just ignore it. I'm sure ignoring him would piss him off more than anything, considering how much he loves attention.
Knuckles: He might even be as relentless as me. You sure?
Wario: Yeah. Worst case scenario, he keeps yakking, I punch him in the mouth.
Sonic: Sounds easy enough.
True to his word, Mario and Peach turn up a few minutes later. Peach sits at a table with Misty and Samus, another experienced fighter. Mario makes his way to the bar, naturally taking aim at Wario.
Mario: I hear you've been trying to find something you can do better than me.
Wario completely ignores Mario, and walks to another customer asking for a drink.
Mario: Oh, I see. Got nothing to say? All out of comebacks? I didn't realize you had so few of them.
Wario begins grumbling, doing his best to keep Mario's remarks out of his mind. Sonic and Knuckles lower their faces closer to the bar, concentrating on their drinks, trying to stay out of it. Mew watches from the safe zone above, and Mike easily distracts himself by helping another customer far away.
Mario: Come on, where's the Wario I know? Don't tell me you've gone soft.
Wario: *mumbling* Easy Wario, just ignore him… you're on a beach in Florida, judging a wet T-shirt contest…
Mario: Talking to yourself? Maybe I'm just not speaking your language. You can stop trying to beat me, it's never gonna happen.
Mike: Mario, I think you're getting a little carried away…
Mario: Come on, you guys pick on him all the time! How's this any different?
Knuckles: He's got a point, Mike. We're pretty brutal to each other.
Mike: Look, Mario, I'll be real with you. All Wario wants to do is to find something he can beat you at.
Mario: I get that, but he instigated all this long before I did. Besides, the only thing Wario could ever try to beat me at is a drinking contest.
Wario snaps. He slams his towel on the bar, rolls up his sleeves, and stomps over to Mario.
Wario: Then let's do it!
Mario: What?
Wario: A drinking contest! Consider this my ultimate challenge to you!
Wario takes off his left glove and proceeds to slap Mario in the face with it. The nearby patrons gasp. Mario smirks and rubs his cheek.
Mario: Okay then! You're on! When and where are we doing this?
Wario: Here! Now! Let's go, you fat Luigi wannabe!
Mario, Wario, Sonic, Knuckles and Mew leave the bar to prepare a table for the contestants. Mike stays at the bar to keep business flowing, but he is able to watch from behind. Others soon join to witness the commotion. Leon and Wolf are here, as are their rivals, Fox and Falco. They are joined by Captain Falcon, Simon Belmont from Castlevania, Blanka from Street Fighter, Link, and others.
Mario: You sure you wanna do this? I don't want you to be humiliated and hung over at the same time.
Wario: That's too bad, because when YOU'RE humiliated and hung over, I'll just rob you and give you a few punches for good measure! A-hahahahaha!
Mario and Wario shake hands and take their opposite seats at the table, awaiting the first drink. Mike prepares two light beers, something to kick the game off without rushing it. He appoints Link to be the impartial moderator of the contest. Link walks to the bar to bring the drinks over and places them on the table.
Link: Alright, gentlemen, the rules are simple. You take your drinks at the same time. As soon as you're both finished, I'll bring another out another round. After ten rounds, you will be given shots one by one, drinking in turn. Wario, as the challenger, will take the first shot, and you will keep taking shots until the contest is over. You lose if you voluntarily quit, vomit, or pass out.
Mario: Understood.
Wario: This'll be like taking ketchup from a Pikachu!
Mew: Sure glad Meek wasn't around to hear that…
Link holds out a hand between them. Mario and Wario grip their mugs, staring each other down.
Link: Ready?
Link lifts his hand.
Link: Begin!
Mario and Wario begin drinking immediately.
Sonic: Come on, Wario!
Knuckles: You got this, War! Get 'im!
Without even stopping to breathe, Wario finishes his first pint in seconds. He slams his mug down a second before Mario and wipes the foam off his mouth.
Wario: I'm-a Wario! I'M-a gonna win!
Mew: Woohoo!
Leon: Go Wario!
Mario finishes his pint and receives his share of cheers as well. Most people in Slackers are just cheering for the contest in general, but fans for each drinker are split pretty evenly. Most of Wario's fans are character's we've seen here and are accustomed to. Link takes the mugs, brings them to Mike for a refill, and returns them. He signals the beginning of round two. Wario finishes his first again.
Wario: You don't stand a chance against me, loser!
Mario: The rules don't say you have to finish the round first, dipshit, just the whole thing. I'm taking my time. You're the one without a chance!
Mario's fans cheer him on, and continue to do so when he finishes the third and fourth rounds. At this point, the alcohol is starting to kick in. Since both contestants are overweight Italian guys, it takes quite a bit of alcohol to get them properly drunk. Link sets down the sixth-round beers.
Wario: *Slurring* What's your deal, anyway? What do you have against me?
Mario: *Also slurring* You… you, um… you stole my castle! You were the instant tater! (Editor: He meant to stay "instigator.")
Wario: What do alligators have to do with any of this!
Mario: Why are you bringing up elevators? I dunno what you're talking about!
Wario: Heh. Heheheh. Elevators. Bringing up. That's funny!
The sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth rounds commence without further… um, conversation. While drinking their tenth beers, they speak up again.
Mario: *Worse slurring* You used to love *hic* crashing all my parties, cheating at every sport, trying to take everyone's money…
Wario: *Even worse slurring* Gimme a break, Mariooooooh—haha, I'm wasted—you've got PLEEEENTY of coins to spare…
Knuckles: Mew, you're omnipotent, can you translate somehow?
Mew: I can try, but the best I could give you would be Zero Wing quality.
Wario: ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO *hic* US!
Sonic: I'm so glad I picked today to come to the bar.
Wario finishes his tenth beer first and tosses the mug aside. The glass would have shattered on the floor, but thankfully Mew noticed this and used Psychic to catch it and send it back to Mike.
Wario: Bring on the shots!
Mario: And make it snappy!
Wario: Hey! We agree on something!
Mario: Right now, because you said that, I love you. But only now. After this, you're… you're… stupid!
Link returns to the table with two shots of bourbon, the agreed-upon liquor.
Link: You guys remember the rules?
Mario and Wario both nod, slowly and silently. Link places the shots on the table.
Link: You first, Wario.
Wario picks up the glass, raises it in front of Mario as if to toast him, and attempts to speak. At this point it should be obvious they're slurring so much many people can't understand what they're saying, so I'll translate here as best as I can.
Wario: Here's to you, Mario. May you someday find a Goomba who will stomp you back!
Wario downs his shot. Sonic, Knuckles, Wolf, Leon, and Mew lead the cheers for Wario. Mario picks up his glass and holds it out in a similar manner.
Mario: Here's to you, Wario. May you someday find a girl who costs more than two cents!
Mario takes his shot, and his fans cheer as loudly as Wario's. Link brings out two more glasses. Wario stares at his glass. For the first time he is concerned about puking or passing out. Knuckles rubs his shoulders like a boxer as Wario takes deep breaths. Finally, groaning, Wario reaches out slowly and downs the glass. The attendees roar in applause.
Mario: Not… gonna… happen…
Mario wipes the sweat off his brow, takes his glass, and slowly sips it until it's empty. Link brings out two more shots.
Mew: Come on guys! This is only gonna keep going until someone gives.
Mario and Wario both groan. Neither of them is interested in drinking anymore, but their desire to stop and fall asleep is only trumped by their desire to beat each other. They each take another shot, and are officially unable to speak. The more shots consumed, the louder the crowd gets. Eventually, everyone loses track of how many shots are taken, but each of them has consumed at least 20 ounces of pure alcohol.
Link brings another shot.
Wario musters up the strength to get his hand around it.
He stares at Mario and grins.
Wario takes the shot and slams it down on the table.
Mario stares at his glass.
He gets his hand on it.
He picks it up…
And falls over. Snoring.
Everyone in slackers is roaring in excitement. Sonic and Knuckles are jumping up and down, leading the crowd in a chant.
Knuckles: Wa-ri-o! Wa-ri-o!
Everyone: Wa-ri-o! Wa-ri-o!
Mew is flying figure eights around the room. Mike leaps over the bar and gets on his knees next to Wario, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him with the most enthusiasm he's felt in a long time. All this time, Wario can only sit there, drone on, and act like a zombie. One minute after Mario's forfeit, Wario falls to the floor with an even louder snore.
Link: And the winner is Wario!
Cap. Falcon: If you call that winning…
Blanka: Bah! Those puny humans would stand no chance against me!
Falco: You keep telling yourself that, big guy.
Unable to celebrate with Wario at the moment, Mike, Knuckles and Mew huddle up, hugging each other and giving each other high fives. They'll later blame this display on the alcohol.
Mike: We did it, guys!
Knuckles: We didn't do anything, this was all Wario's idea, and he won!
Mew: While I'm happy for him, I don't envy how he's gonna feel in the morning…
Speaking of the next morning…
It is 10:45 AM, and the bar hasn't opened yet. Wario had been moved into the lounge by telekinesis because no one was brave enough to move him manually. Even if they had been comfortable relocating a sleeping man of Wario's stature, no one would take the risk of being puked on. Mike and Mew have spent the night in the penthouse as usual, and they are now emerging from the elevator. A black coffee is comfortably resting in Mike's right hand, and his Mew perched on his left shoulder.
Mike: Well, here goes.
Mew: Do we have to check on him? Couldn't we just, I dunno, leave him in there?
Mike: Tempting, but we need to make sure he isn't dead.
Mew: You did lay him down on his side, right?
Mike: Yes, Mew. I did. Stop asking!
Mike slowly opens the door, and finds Wario rolling over on the couch, groaning in pain. They're happy he has made it through the night, but Mike instantly has to cover his nose when he realizes Wario has correctly utilized the trash can placed in the room with him.
Mike: Hey, buddy… you okay?
Wario: Kill me…
Mike: I'll get you some water. If it makes you feel better, you won.
Wario: Ugh…
Mike: You beat Mario at something, isn't that great?
Wario: Mike, if you don't get out of here and close that goddamn door…
Mew: You might wanna listen. He's in bad enough shape to make good on any disgusting threat he'd make.
Mike: Alright. If you need us, you know where to find us.
Wario: Okay… ugh…
Mike steps one foot out the door, reaching behind for the handle.
Wario: Mike?
Mike turns around.
Mike: Yes?
Wario takes a deep breath, and offers a heartfelt sentiment for all his effort.
Wario: Thank you.
Mike and Mew smile, turn back around, and leave Wario in the lounge, closing the door behind them.
Epilogue
Emily is standing in her building's elevator, watching the skyline fall away. The outer wall is glass, giving her a full view of Saffron City. She takes an extended look at the Fighting Dojo below, where she has just spent the past two hours visiting with Kiyo. After a long day of spending time with her friends, it's time to go home, relax, and maybe watch a movie with some of her Pokemon. Her oldest one is her Blastoise, Shellshocker, originally belonging to her brother. Like him, she is versatile with type specialties, but she tends to favor water because of her close friendship with the former Cerulean gym leader.
The elevator stops, and the doors open. She takes a few steps down her hall to unlock her door, but freezes when she turns the key. It feels much easier to turn than normal.
Either she's forgotten to lock the door, or someone is inside.
She reaches for the Poke Ball containing Shellshocker, ready to unleash him upon entering her home. She slowly opens her door, peeks inside, and steps in. She lets Shellshocker out of his Poke Ball and quietly examines the living room. No sign of intruders. She checks the secondary room, the bathroom, and finally, her room. Nothing.
Shellshocker: Blast?
Emily: No, empty… weird. Maybe I just forgot to lock the door? I must be getting paranoid—
Voice: I wouldn't wager on that assumption, my dear.
Startled, Emily turns around to see a woman around her brother's age. This stranger seems to know her, but Emily doesn't recognize the stranger at all.
Emily: Who are you? How did you get in here?
Karen: My name is Karen. I serve on the Elite Four. I apologize for my intrusion, but I needed to know whether or not you were here.
Emily: Why, are you looking for me? You'd better have good intentions, because I'm not afraid to send my Blastoise on you!
Shellshocker: Blast!
Karen closes her eyes, grins, and shakes her head.
Karen: I'm on the Elite Four, remember? The strongest trainers are subject to a battle with me before moving on to pursue the championship. Although I know who you are, I have never seen you at Indigo Plateau. Your Pokemon would be no match for me, and I have no desire to see them hurt.
Shellshocker cocks his hydro pump guns and roars, its ego insulted.
Emily: It's okay…
She turns to face Karen.
Emily: Fine, you found me. What do you want with me?
Karen: What I want isn't important. However, I will need you to come with me.
Emily: You're joking.
Karen shakes her head.
Karen: I'm afraid this isn't a joke. It's very important that you come with me.
Emily: No way!
Karen: Please. I can't guarantee your brother's safety.
Emily's eyes widen and she takes a step back.
Emily: What have you done with him?
Karen: Nothing. He is very dear to us both, but if you don't come with me to my master's homeworld, great harm will befall him.
Emily: … what?
Karen extends her hand.
Karen: He is in very grave danger.
Sensing the danger, and enraged at the threat directed at his original trainer, Shellshocker attacks Karen. Emily tries to recall him, but her safety is too important. Karen reaches for a Poke Ball and releases her Vileplume.
Shellshocker: Blastoise!
Emily: Wait! Stop!
Shellshocker uses Hydro Pump on the Vileplume, but the Vileplume responds with a Razor Leaf attack. Its high level advantage causes Shellshocker to faint. Now without any protection, Emily clenches her fists, closes her eyes, and holds still as she and Karen are warped away.
To be continued…
2019