Chapter 18
Confessions and Decisions

The blinding headache that greeted me the next day made me feel like I was Avada-ed and brought back to life. When I groggily checked the clock, it was half past noon and Lacey's empty bed made me feel utterly sick. In no world did I ever imagine Lacey to get up before me on a day without class. Then again, she didn't just get rejected while piss drunk by a boy she fancied quite a lot.

Despite being wide awake, I pulled my sheets over my head and curled up in a ball. I couldn't even bring myself to get ready because that would mean I had to look at myself in the mirror. I wasn't ready to see the miserable morning-after face of the girl who just ruined the best thing that happened to her this year.

Normally, it would have been fine for me to recluse and avoid, following my usual routine of removing myself from awkward situations. But with Sirius, it was different. Having been good friends with him before this, I at least owed him a talk where I wasn't on the verge of puking and speaking without thinking. I mentally dreaded it. I didn't know if I could deal with another talk about this with him and have my heart feel like it was stepped on repeatedly by a footballer wearing studs.

As I continued to overthink under the blanket, the door burst open loudly and two people entered mid-conversation. I recognized Becca and Polly's voices and listened to them gossip about the boy himself who couldn't leave my thoughts.

"I thought Sirius and Mary were back together," Becca said.

"I heard Mary gave up on him," Polly said.

"Why?" Becca asked incredulously. "If you're dating Sirius Black, what does she have to complain about?"

"I don't know," Polly replied, sounding unsure. "I heard he's a bit of a mess. You know, like he's got nothing."

"What, like he's poor?"

"Not poor," Polly explained. "You know, like he's got no plans. Mary's totally the type to want a guy who can support her. But I heard he doesn't even want to find a job after school."

"He could be poor though," Becca laughed sardonically. "Didn't you hear he got kicked out by his parents? Where d'you think he gets money after that?"

"Dunno," Polly replied. "Maybe he's got savings? The Black family's loaded. I wouldn't be surprised if he's still got some left."

"Whatever," Becca snorted. "I'd totally date him even if he were poor though. And who cares about plans? He looks good enough to—"

Having enough of how uncomfortable I felt listening to their inappropriate gossiping, I sat upright, sheets slipping off my head and Becca and Polly gasped in surprise.

"Were you awake this whole time?" Becca snapped.

"What's it to you?" I said rudely before marching into the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind me.

When I finished a quick cold shower and dressed up, the two girls were gone by the time I returned to the dormitory. Relief flooded within me knowing I didn't have to listen to them talking about Sirius any longer, especially since I couldn't get him out of my head at all. Who were they to gossip about him anyway? It was much more irritating than interesting with everything that happened between us.

As I dried my hair with my wand, I noticed Tallie sitting by the window sill with two letters attached to her feet. I quickly approached her and she greeted me with a hoot. After giving her some treats, she dropped the letters in my palm and flew off to the owlery.

I quickly opened the first one which had my mum's neat handwriting in the front.

My Monica,

I've settled in your dad's place and it's been great. I placed extra precautionary spells around so it won't be detected as a magical household while I'm staying here.

I hope you're doing well in Hogwarts and I know it's disappointing that you won't be able to come home to see your dad, but he sends his regards and we both miss you so much.

I'm sending over a letter from Clara as well that I hope will cheer you up if you're feeling down. You can expect something for your birthday too which should be coming up in a few days when you receive this letter. My daughter's finally going to be off age!

You dad and I will keep in touch, Monica. Please don't worry too much.

Love,

Mum

I felt a pang in my chest as I read her letter again, realizing how much I missed being home for the holidays and I was missing out on valuable time to spend with her.

I eagerly opened Clara's letter next, recognizing her loopy handwriting and excited to find out how she was doing since leaving her family.

Dear Monica,

I'm sorry if this took a while. First things first, I'm completely fine. I got a teaching job as a personal tutor for troubled children in France who can't find the means to attend Beauxbatons. I used up some of my savings to rent an apartment on a muggle street. Wizarding areas are actually much more expensive in France. I'm not sure if it's the same case in London?

Anyway, it's been great to experience life this way. I've met a lot of kids that I love and I met someone who I've been spending time with often. His name is Toni and he's a tutor too. He's a muggleborn so he likes to take me around muggle France which is great because I could never really explore when I was with my family.

I don't believe that the war has reached France yet, but I'm monitoring your newspapers for anything that could get my attention. I heard about Aunt Ella and I'm glad she's with your dad now. I wanted to visit her but she told me there was no need since she was discharged from the hospital after two days. I was so worried about her and I'm sure you were too. Aunt Ella is a strong witch, Monica. You need not worry.

I'll try to update you again when it's possible. Nothing much is going on where I am and I think that's a good thing. I'll continue to enjoy what I do and I hope you can write to me about how you're doing. I really miss you!

Love,

Clara

I smiled to myself, knowing Clara was safe and enjoying her life in France. Missing her and my parents while I was stuck in Hogwarts until the summer didn't feel as tough as it did after reading their letters. I never asked Clara what she wanted to do besides travelling, but teaching actually seemed fitting to her personality and I felt happy knowing she found someone so quickly, and a muggleborn too. I definitely didn't regret giving her a chance since it must have been difficult going against your own family's beliefs.

Feeling a bit better since I woke, I thought it was time to head to the kitchens and get something to eat. Lacey was probably playing chess with her brother by the Black Lake by now and I wasn't really in the mood to see anyone who was present the night before.

Yet, just as I was about to leave the dormitory, the door noisily opened again and Lacey herself barged in, eyes swollen red and shaking. I dropped my letters on my mattress and rushed towards her, head searing at the sudden movement but ignoring the pain. My face scrunched up with worry.

"Lacey?" I said, observing her quick breathing and free falling tears. She was rooted in place by the door, looking at me with wide eyes. I guided her to her bed to take a seat, all the potential reasons for her crying running through my mind.

"Monica," she breathed as she sat, hand gripping my wrist.

"What's wrong?" I asked immediately.

"Benjy…" she began between sobs. "He's… He's…"

"Is he okay? Did something happen to him?" I urged her to continue.

All the scenarios in my head weren't positive based on her panicked state. But Benjy was safe in the castle. There couldn't have been an attack in Hogwarts. Becca and Polly entered earlier and they had no news other than Sirius' dating life. I'm sure Death Eater invasions would have popped up in their conversation somewhere.

"He just told me…" Lacey continued, shaking uncontrollably. "He's joined the Order. He's going to fight V-V-Voldemort."

I gaped at her, understanding now how Fenwick was familiar with the Gryffindor seventh years. It must have happened recently.

"Lacey…" I whispered, not knowing how to comfort her.

She mentioned her brother's intent before but it never affected her the way she was reacting now. Likely because her parents were more protective than anyone I've ever met and Lacey could never have imagined Fenwick to go through with the decision without their parents' blessing.

"How did he tell you, Lacey?" I asked, sitting next to her and rubbing her back to calm her down.

"W-We were playing chess," she said, furiously wiping her cheeks. "And he said he's got to tell me something important and… and he just told me he's officially joined the Order. And our parents don't know yet but he thought to tell me first."

"Lacey, he's fighting for a cause," I told her, trying to reason out and thinking on my feet. "If you think about it, it's actually a good thing."

"Mon, he could die!" Lacey cried, shooting me an incredulous look. "I don't understand why he would feel the need to… to join. I mean, we're comfortable and safe. My parents would freak out and he doesn't even seem like he cares at all!"

"Lacey..." I said hesitantly. "Whatever the Order is, it seems to be more structured than we think. Dumbledore's leading it and he's probably got a plan, right? I'm sure they're not just walking into a death trap. A bunch of seventh years are part of it too and they must trust Dumbledore enough to join him."

She let out another sob and fell on her back against the mattress, covering her face with her palms. I bit my lip and looked down at her miserable state. I understood how worried she must have felt, but I felt proud of Fenwick's courage to join Dumbledore. Similar to how I felt about the Marauders, I couldn't help but feel inspired by their actions. It must not have been easy to make the decision, especially since he had a family who cared about him.

"Lacey, he'll be okay," I assured her, trying to cheer her up. "Fenwick… Benjy's a talented wizard. He wouldn't make this decision without thinking it through."

"I know," Lacey moaned. "That's what scares me, Mon. He won't change his mind about this. I want to support him but…"

"You're worried," I finished when she couldn't continue as she cried. "Lacey, he'd want you to trust him about this."

"Am I a bad person if I don't want to support him?" Lacey asked desperately. "I know we're at war but—"

"Of course not," I replied wholeheartedly. "You're his sister, Lacey. It's okay to be worried."

Lacey took deep breaths and started to calm down, nodding in agreement with me as she stayed silent for a while. I took her hand in mine and stayed with her, offering whatever support I could give by just being there.

When the tears finally dried up, she squeezed my hand back and looked at me.

"I don't really know how it feels to be a victim yet," she admitted. "Maybe that's why I feel this way. I know you wanted to join when your mum was attacked, Mon."

Taken aback, I blinked at her blankly for a second before responding.

"I hope you never feel it, Lacey," I said honestly. "It sucks."

She pulled me down to lay next to her and we both stared at the ceiling, hands interlocked. I could feel we both reflected on the same thing — the growing war outside the castle's walls. While I continuously worried about my mum's wellbeing, Lacey was trying to come to terms with her brother joining the fight.

Suddenly, Sirius' rejection of my feelings didn't seem that big a problem anymore and once again, things were put into a much bigger perspective. My mum and dad were safe in London and Clara was living her best life in France, but I wondered how soon before their lives could be disrupted by the war again.

We stayed on the bed for the next hour, wordlessly keeping each other company as if our own support system was the only thing that kept us sane. She started crying again about half an hour in, and I just held her, not knowing at all what to say. But she didn't seem to mind the silence, letting her feelings unfold without a care in the world.

As the break came to close, my sixth year continued uneventfully. My birthday came and went, which I celebrated with Lacey in our dormitory as soon as I received a homemade cake from my mum through a much bigger owl she probably borrowed. My dad sent over a lovely photo of him and my mum baking and I kept it on my bedside table, feeling a sharp pang in my heart every time I looked at it.

I hardly saw the Marauders after the night in Hogsmeade and I didn't have to put much effort into avoiding Sirius since I felt he was keeping his distance from me too. Lacey seemed to notice this but I hadn't told her about my drunken confession yet, even a month after our trip. I wasn't sure if Sirius told his friends, but James would often give me tight-lipped smiles when I passed by them in the hall, so I assumed at least he knew.

Fortunately for me, Lacey still seemed too occupied with her brother's decision to join the Order to really try to worm the real reason for my sudden space from the Marauders out of me. She would sometimes mention it, subtly trying to get me to share instead of asking outright like she would have usually done, but I still couldn't bring myself to openly talk about it. I didn't know if it was the major embarrassment and shame I felt, but I couldn't even think about it without physically cringing at myself.

How stupid was I to tell him? I always thought I came to terms with the fact that Sirius was never going to feel the same way. He had plans in his life that a romantic relationship could never fit in, and he's told me numerous times this was what kept him from continuing with Mary. Yet after a few shots of whiskey, I went on and ruined the friendship completely.

As I furthered distanced myself from Sirius, Lacey acted the exact opposite with Fenwick. Even when his friends returned from Easter break, she often found time to play chess with him in the Hufflepuff common room, as if savoring the little time they had left before he finally left Hogwarts. I felt for her because I knew she still hadn't fully accepted his decision yet, and it wouldn't surprise me if she used the time they had together to try and convince him not to push through.

As end-of-year exams and projects neared, the general mood of the castle was actually quite lively since summer was just around the corner. The last Quidditch games of the season were also coming up and the points favored either Gryffindor or Slytherin to win the cup this school year. Strangely enough, for the first time since I started school at Hogwarts, the upcoming Quidditch matches couldn't lift my spirits.

Weeks went by with no conversations with Sirius and very brief catch ups with James, Remus, and Peter only if we'd see each other randomly in the common room. I realized how much I actually enjoyed their company throughout the year. It saddened me a bit more that despite being totally myself in avoiding uncomfortable situations, the effort Sirius put into never meeting my eye, sitting far away during meals, and not at all initiating any conversation was much more noticeable. I bitterly concluded this was how it felt for Carter and Sirius when I decided to keep my distance after the former confessed his feelings and I realized my own for the latter.

When the last Gryffindor Quidditch match arrived on the third weekend of May, I readied myself to watch alone since Lacey decided to spend her Saturday watching with her brother with the other Hufflepuffs on the opposite stands. She offered to let me tag along but I thought it would be best to leave them to do their own thing, knowing Lacey would appreciate it.

The Marauders were out of the list of potential company too since Sirius was going to be there and I didn't think sitting with them would induce a comfortable conversation. Avoiding my usual area, I sat a few benches down and I didn't arrive too early this time so Sirius and his friends wouldn't spot me should they come early too.

Sitting comfortably next to a group of enthusiastic fourth years, I waited in silence for the match to begin and I hadn't seen the seventh year boys yet which was a good sign that they were probably somewhere behind me sitting where they usually did. There was an empty space to my right that a group of girls took before the commentator started to introduce the teams, but I didn't pay much attention to them as James and the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team flew out of the holding area.

"Welcome to the last match of the season!" the commentator greeted and the students cheered.

Slytherin had their last match the weekend before and they absolutely trashed Ravenclaw which put them in the lead for the cup. Gryffindor's Chasers needed to pick up their game to be able to catch up to their points and Carter needed to get the Snitch or Gryffindor wouldn't stand a chance. Despite knowing we could beat Hufflepuff easily, it was a matter of points. Gryffindor needed to get higher than Slytherin's last match to be able to win the cup altogether. It was going to be tough.

I watched as Potter landed on the grass to shake the Hufflepuff captain's hand and I spotted Carter with his teammates hovering in the sky, looking more determined and focused than the past matches. I was sure he knew how high the stakes were and I was confident he would catch the Snitch this time. He never failed against Hufflepuff yet.

When the captains shook hands and the Quaffle was thrown in the air, James snatched it quickly and the match began. I eagerly watched as he linked together with the Chasers and I found the familiar happiness burst within me from watching Quidditch. Even if I felt the shittiest that I did in my life, sports could always cheer me up.

Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder and I looked to my right, finding myself seated right next to Lily Evans, smiling politely. I blinked consciously, not realizing the group of girls who sat next to me were actually her and her friends, including Mary. But only Lily looked at me, the other three cheering loudly for James who just opened the scoring.

"Hey," she said.

"Hi," I replied, still a bit shocked that they chose to sit there. Then again, there probably wasn't another free area since they came right before the match started.

"I haven't seen you around much," Lily said. "Are you doing alright?"

I recalled our conversation that one night when she implied that she could tell how I felt about Sirius. I also somehow remembered her looking at me in alarm in Hogsmeade, after Dorcas asked the last question for truth or drink. She was too smart not to notice the lack of interaction between me and Sirius now, and I suddenly regretted going to the match at all. I definitely didn't feel ready to talk about it yet, even if it has been nearly a month.

"Yeah, I've been fine," I said shortly, trying to seem attentive to the game so she wouldn't push the questions.

"Monica," she said insistently, and I looked at her again, feeling the positivity from Quidditch leaving my body and my breathing quickened from the anxiety of the budding conversation.

"What's up?" I tried to say politely, but I couldn't hide the agitation in my tone.

"I'm really sorry to bring this up now," she said, looking guilty. "When I saw you sitting alone, I thought it was a good chance to speak with you. But if you'd rather watch the match first, I completely understand. I was just wondering if you'd like to talk later on?"

It felt too late for me to take up her offer to talk later since I already couldn't concentrate on the match going on. If they were going to sit here for the entire duration of it, I wouldn't have been able to watch peacefully. So I sucked it up and gulped, facing her again.

"I don't mind talking now," I said truthfully.

Lily nodded and took a deep breath. The cheers of the students around me didn't deter my hearing, all attention on the redhead as I waited for her to continue.

"Dorcas and Marlene were too out of it to remember what happened," she said, voice low. "But I remember and I'm really sorry Dorcas did that to you. She didn't know."

"It's okay, Lily," I said, chuckling emptily.

"It's not okay," she said, looking serious. "I wanted to talk to you earlier but I hardly ever saw you around since then. I thought you would patch things up with Sirius soon but…"

"Yeah, he's avoided me ever since," I said, feeling a heaviness in my chest. "How much do you know by the way?"

She paused when the Gryffindors bursted loudly again after Alex scored and continued when the crowd settled down.

"James told me about it," she said softly. "I think Sirius told him but Remus and Peter are still in the dark. As far as I know, they just think you've been busy with exams and stuff. But James and I knew why you haven't been around."

"It's okay," I said. "I knew he told James. He's always looking at me weird."

"He doesn't want to talk to you about this because he thinks Sirius wouldn't want that," Lily admitted. "So I went ahead and did it myself. I think you deserve an explanation."

"Honestly, I feel I should be the one explaining," I said, surprised at how easy it was to open up to her, but I kept it in for too long that I almost felt relieved to let it out. "I didn't mean to tell him. I was going to wait until the feelings went away. Now I've just ruined everything."

Lily smiled empathetically. "It's not bad to have feelings, Monica. I know I'm probably gonna sound like the world's biggest hypocrite on accepting feelings, but you can't control how you feel and you shouldn't feel bad for having them. Don't beat yourself up too much. You did nothing wrong."

"But why does it feel like I did?" I asked pathetically, absentminded as I watched James score again. "Sirius hasn't tried talking to me since and I don't want to initiate the conversation about it if he doesn't want to have it."

"Let me tell you something about Sirius," Lily said. "He's experienced the most out of the four of them and he has the most ambition to end this war. He doesn't think anyone would ever understand because the one girl he tried to work it out with tried to change that very ambition in him."

She was talking about Mary. I glanced at the dark-haired witch who sat farthest from the both of us, unaware of the conversation between me and Lily.

"But it's been different with you, Monica," Lily continued. "I've known Sirius for a long time and he's very fond of you. Maybe not the way you feel about him yet, but he lights up when he talks about you. He knows he can be himself around you and he meant it when he said he wouldn't date you because he doesn't want to lose you as a friend. I think he's scared because ever since Mary, he thinks he could never have a serious future with a girl who wants to settle down."

I took in what she said, understanding Sirius' point of view. It warmed my heart knowing he actually used to value me that much, even if just as a friend. But it didn't help the hatred I felt about myself since admitting my feelings for him because we weren't even on speaking terms anymore.

"Do you know why he won't speak to me anymore?" I dared to ask.

Lily hesitated and I was sure James or Sirius must have mentioned something to her. I looked at her with expectation, trying to beg with my eyes that I needed to know why.

"James gave me a bit of context," she finally replied, giving into my nonverbal pleas. "He said… Sirius was giving you some space in case it would help you figure out how you really felt about him. He said it might just be a phase since you spend a lot of time together. I'm sorry, Monica…"

I laughed dryly.

"Please understand, Monica," Lily said, placing a gentle hold on my shoulder. "He's a complicated guy. I've seen one of my best friends pine after him for years and she could never accept him for who he really is. If you're really serious about how you feel about him—"

"Lily, I think that's where it's different for me," I interrupted, feeling a surge in emotions to get me to open up more. "I think I started to fancy him because when we became friends, I found out all these things about him that inspired me. His passion and his goals were what drew me to him in the first place. But it's just that. He's interesting and different and maybe I just feel this way because I've never met anyone like him. Maybe I even agree with him. It's a phase and it'll pass, eh?"

"Monica, I think you should give him some time," Lily said, not looking convinced at my words. "And when you're ready, I think you should talk to him. Because if you really care about him, it's better to keep him around as a friend than lose him completely. It's unfair for you that he's ignoring you because he wants you to get over him, but I think it would be really good for both of you to talk about this. You guys have got something special, and it would be a waste to lose that over bloody feelings."

"But what am I supposed to say?" I asked in frustration. "I can't just lie and say I've gotten over him when I clearly haven't."

"You don't have to lie, Monica," Lily advised. "Just say that you don't want to lose him as a friend. Sirius will understand. He thinks all this ignoring business is for your benefit anyway. Because he feels if he continues to talk to you like nothing happened, he's hurting you."

"He wouldn't be," I admitted easily. "I just want things to be normal between us again. I don't care if he doesn't feel the same way."

"You can tell him that," Lily encouraged. "I know he misses you. We all do actually." She laughed softly to herself. "I know we weren't particularly close but I thought we could be. You're alright, Monica."

I smiled back, actually feeling lighter after the conversation.

"You're not too bad yourself, Lily," I said sincerely. "Thanks for talking to me. Really, I haven't talked to anyone about this. Not even Lacey. I felt so embarrassed."

"Boys are a pain in the arse," Lily chuckled. "I know I've got a boyfriend but they can be so dense sometimes."

I laughed along with her and she suddenly perked up, eyes on the pitch. I followed her line of sight and Carter seemed to have spotted the Snitch, flying at full speed ahead of the Hufflepuff Seeker with his arm stretched out.

"What's the score, Mar?" Lily asked, getting up on her feet and I followed her lead to get a better look of the chase.

"A hundred and twenty to fifty, Gryffindor leading," Marlene answered then noticed me when I stood. "Oh, hey, Monica! How've you been?"

"Alright, thanks," I said with a small smile then turning my attention back on Carter. "If he catches the Snitch, Gryffindor wins the cup."

"Come on, Robins," Lily mumbled nervously, biting her nails.

I wasn't worried one bit because in one swooping motion, Carter grasped the Snitch almost effortlessly, Hufflepuff's Seeker not standing a chance. The Gryffiindors on the stands jumped in glee as I quickly did the math in my head and we definitely overtook Slytherin's points for the cup.

Lily and I hugged in our excitement, jumping up and down as we cheered for the Gryffindor team. They hopped off their brooms as soon as the whistle sounded and ran towards Carter who had the biggest smile on his face, the first time I'd seen it in a while.

The trophy was handed to them and James immediately grabbed hold of it, showing it off to the Gryffindors on the stands and his teammates lifted him up on their shoulders to honor their valiant captain. The Gryffindors cheered "Potter! Potter! Potter!" and next to me, Lily screamed the loudest, utter glee on her face as she supported her boyfriend.

I felt myself lift up at the win, forgetting all the stress and self-pity from the last few weeks. Happily cheering with the rest of the Gryffindors, I caught a glimpse of Sirius who was a few benches behind me, arms around Remus and Peter as he chanted his best friend's name. He caught my eye and I immediately looked away, grinning from ear to ear with Lily and pushed the feelings away, not allowing anything to ruin this moment yet.

After the match, I parted ways with Lily and her friends who went straight to the changing rooms to congratulate James. I jogged down from the stands happily towards the castle, Gryffindors around me discussing the match and chattering amongst themselves.

I was determined to find Lacey first since she was probably just as excited with the win as I was, despite being with the Hufflepuffs during the match. I laughed to myself as I imagined her cheering while the Hufflepuffs around her groaned and couldn't wait to share the moment with her. The Gryffindors were known to have big celebrations afterwards and since we lost the cup to Slytherin last year, I was already expecting a huge party in the common room tonight. With summer coming up soon and James as Gryffindor captain signing off, I wasn't expecting anything less from my house to plan out the biggest bash yet.

On the way to the common room, I was practically skipping so I nearly tripped over my feet when I felt tug on my arm before I reached the staircase, dragging me into an empty hall away from the crowd that marched back to the common room. I caught a glimpse of a familiar head of short dark hair; my heart sped up and the giddiness from the win disappeared almost instantly.

When Sirius stopped as we reached the hall, he faced me and I stared back, unsure of what to say. The faint hum of the crowd was still ringing in my ears from the nearby staircase but the hallway he dragged me into was completely empty and out of the way of any Gryffindor who was headed back to the common room.

Sirius had one hand in the pocket of his trousers and the other ran through his hair, gray eyes uncertain and he cleared his throat awkwardly as if hesitating to speak first. It felt so long since I was this close to him and I almost couldn't remember how I used to act around him. My face was burning up and I was sure he noticed because he pursed his lips but didn't shift his eyes away from mine.

"Mon," he finally began and my stomach fluttered infuriatingly at the sound of his voice.

"Hi," I replied.

"It's… er… been a while, hasn't it?" he went on, nervously flattening his hair.

"Yeah."

I mentally berated myself at how lame I was at responding but it was hard to form coherent replies when he was staring at me like that.

"I saw you at the match," he said, voice starting to sound more levelled. "I just thought… we should probably talk by now. It's been a while. Have I said that?"

"Mhm, yeah…"

"Okay, well…" He stuffed his other hand in his pocket. "Sorry... How have you been? Busy?"

"I suppose, yeah," I said vaguely. "Exams and stuff."

"Right," he said quickly, nodding fervently. "We've got NEWTs coming up too. I've actually been studying, believe it or not. I guess it wouldn't hurt to get good grades if I decide to work after… you know…"

"After you take down Voldemort?" I offered, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, that," Sirius said. "I mean, my plans haven't changed. Same old. After Hogwarts, it's all the Order of the Phoenix for me. I was just thinking if we take him down within the timeline, then I'll have to live like a normal guy after."

"Sirius, whatever it is that you want to do, it's okay," I said, a bit confused on what he was saying. "Whether it's flying around your motorcycle or risking your life to destroy a madman, you don't have to feel pressured to do anything else."

"I'm not," he said shortly, shaking his head. "I'm just… I'm being stupid. Whatever. Forget I said anything."

"Are you okay?" I asked, actually a bit worried that he was going through something because he didn't seem like he normally did. Of course there was the added factor that he knew I fancied him but there was still something off.

"I'm fine. Are you fine?" he said so quickly that I almost didn't catch it.

"Yeah, I am," I said honestly, feeling more liberated after the talk with Lily. I realized I had the chance to tell him now, but I didn't know how to transition to the topic.

"Good. Brilliant. Fantastic. I'm sorry, Monica."

That was a way to transition, I suppose. The apology came so fast that I was caught off guard, but I knew exactly what he was apologizing for. I shook my head and waved an awkward hand to tell him it was nothing, but he continued to speak with a guilty look on his face.

"I didn't know how to react to what you said. I thought if I gave you some space—"

"It would help me out. I get it," I interrupted to save him the trouble of explaining. "I think it did sort of help me think and I couldn't show you my face anyway, to be completely honest."

"You were drunk," Sirius added.

"Absolutely pissed," I agreed wholeheartedly.

"And I was an idiot for even answering that question," he said. "I didn't know you felt that way and I was a git. I'm sorry."

"Stop it," I chuckled, avoiding his eye. "It's fine. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I do," he insisted. "I'm… not the guy for you, Mon. I'm sorry that I'm not."

Hearing him say it again, I felt my heart drop. But I readied myself for this outcome and I was sober this time. I felt a lot more rational as I took him in and I knew I was going to be fine.

"It's really fine, Sirius," I said, determined to let him know. "I don't even… I mean, you don't have to worry about me. It's like… totally fine."

So I meant to say it a bit more coherently than that but it was much easier to say it in my head. I seriously underestimated how awkward this discussion would be in person. But my determination to keep him in my life overtook the voice in my head telling me to run away again.

"I just want to stay friends," I finally admitted out loud. "Can we just pretend it never happened and move on?"

He bit his bottom lip with a strange look in his eye. I waited for his response, internally praying to Merlin that he'll just agree and talk to me like usual. But somehow I knew we couldn't just revert back to our old dynamic. The look on his face said that clearly.

"I… can't," Sirius verbalized my thoughts exactly.

"Why not?" I said, frustrated at how difficult I made the situation between us.

"I just can't, Mon," he said with an empty laugh.

"So we can't even be friends?" I snapped. "I'm sorry I made things weird but I'm trying to fix it."

"Do you still fancy me?" he asked outright.

"Yes!" I exclaimed, surprised at how quickly I answered but the emotions were building up within me. "But I don't care if you don't feel the same way, Sirius! I just want to stay friends! You really don't think we can be friends after this?"

I felt my hope thinning and this outcome I definitely didn't expect. Lily was wrong for once and Sirius couldn't move past this.

"It's not that, Monica," Sirius said, frustration lacing his tone too. "I just…"

"It's fine, I get it," I said hurriedly, needing to remove myself from his vicinity before I started crying again. "Clearly having feelings for you is your deterrent and maybe I can talk to you again when I'm thirty and married."

I turned to leave but he grabbed my arm making me twist in place and face him again. He seemed to have taken a step forward when he reached for me so he was much closer than he was a second ago. He stared blankly at me, looking the most uncertain I'd ever seen him but his hand still circled around my wrist, grip firm.

"If you want me to get over you, this really isn't helping," I said awkwardly, looking down to avoid his eye.

"Why did you have to make it so complicated?" he asked softly.

"I can't help how I feel about you, okay?" I said defensively, mimicking Lily's advice from earlier. "I wanted to tell you that it's fine and we can just forget about it but if it's such an issue that I fancy you—"

"It is an issue," he said.

"I got that, thanks," I snapped, looking up at him to shoot him a weak glare. "You really weren't lying when you said you're crap at relationships. Piece of advice, if you've rejected a girl once, you don't need to repeat it again."

"I just wanted to make it clear," he said monotonously.

"It's bloody clear to me!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in frustration and his grip on my wrist slipped out.

"Just don't fancy me, Mon," he said calmly.

"Alright, I'll try my best!" I laughed sarcastically. "You're helping me out right now actually. Thanks for being a complete git to help me get over you."

He fell silent and continued to stare at me with that look in his eye. I wanted to know what he was thinking but he was probably just shocked he wasn't able to get rid of my feelings after ignoring me for nearly a month.

"Is that all?" I asked, feeling more and more pathetic by the second. "I really want to go."

"Fine, then go," he said, crossing his arms.

"I will!" I said with determination and whirled around to briskly walk away.

"Okay, wait."

"What?" I spat, turning back around and thoroughly irritated by his indecisiveness.

"How can I help you?" Sirius said, ignoring my hostility.

"You're not my doctor, Sirius," I said before frowning and adding, "And this isn't a disease."

"First of all, what's a doctor? And second, to me, it sort of is! Passive flirting, I can deal with. But real feelings can't happen here, Mon. I'm a bloody ticking time bomb. I could be fucking dead by the end of the year, bloody hell."

I realized cursing to him didn't exactly come naturally unless he was truly upset over something like me finding out about Remus, him talking about Mary, and the newly added situation to the list of things that could make Sirius drop the f-bomb – my unwanted feelings that went beyond friendship.

"Mon, I don't want to hurt you," he said softly, pleading with his eyes.

"You're hurting me a lot more than necessary right now actually," I pointed out with a scoff. "It's a bloody crush, Sirius. I'm not in love with you. Get over yourself."

He blinked twice in clear shock at my retort. He opened his mouth to respond but he quickly closed it and a few more seconds of tense silence went on. His hand shot up to flatten his hair awkwardly while I stood in place and forced myself to continue looking at him so not to give him the impression that I was only saying this to get him off my back (which definitely wasn't the case here...)

"Right..." he began slowly, looking a bit embarrassed. "I'm just... scared, I suppose. You saw what happened with Mary. I can't do that to another friend."

"Mary was in love with you– Actually, she was obsessed with you," I laughed. "I'm not. I'm not gonna drop dead if you don't fancy me back, Sirius. I'm fine. I probably only fancy you because you're the first guy I've gotten close to this way. It's not that bloody deep."

Lacey's nagging tone rang in my head, calling me a big fat liar. I pushed it away and tried to convince myself I was actually saying the truth. Now that I knew how vehemently opposed he was to anyone close to him developing feelings for him, maybe something within me would actually click into sense and I'll wonder why I ever thought I liked this guy in the first place.

"Maybe I should introduce you to more people then," Sirius said, a bit of humor lacing his tone.

"I'll pass on all the seventh years, thanks," I said dryly.

"Right, well, can you promise me it's just until here?" he asked. "Just a crush. Nothing more."

I rolled my eyes. "You know, you've got issues."

"I do," he agreed wholeheartedly. "Which is exactly why you can't feel anything more than this. I know I'm devilishly handsome but–"

"Don't make me laugh," I said exasperatedly, turning on my heel and walking out the hall. I felt him following quickly behind me until he was to my left, walking with my pace.

"Is it the way I act like nothing bothers me but really I've got a big heart?" he said mockingly. "An anonymous note last valentine's was kind enough to tell me that."

"Is this your compromise? You agree to be friends but you'll relentlessly tease me until I realize you're a bloody child and get over you?" I said, irritation growing to drastic levels but I felt relief at the way things could go back to normal so quickly between us.

"I could never stop being friends with you, Mon," he snorted. "Tried it for a month. Didn't work."

My heart skipped a beat and my head snapped to look at him in surprise.

"You literally just said–"

"I said I can't pretend it didn't happen," Sirius said matter-of-factly. "I never said we couldn't be friends."

"Then what was that whole argument about?" I demanded, waving my hands up in exasperation. "That's all I wanted!"

"I was trying to convince you not to fancy me," he explained. "Because I can't forget about it and I'm gonna hurt you. But I guess I'm just selfish. I wanted to stay friends regardless of that fact. Guess I just like you too much."

I laughed a bit uncomfortably, knowing he meant that comment in a very platonic way. Yet it still affected me more than he could ever condone and I tried not to let it show. If he wanted to help me get over him, he really shouldn't be saying things like that out loud, but I didn't voice my thoughts, knowing it might just ruin the semi-normal dynamic we preserved after that awkward conversation.

"You really think wanting to stay friends makes you selfish?" I asked innocently.

He slowed his pace, looking forward with a thoughtful look on his face and his hands buried deep in his pockets.

"I thought it would've been easier if you just remembered me as a dick and moved on with some fancy bloke with a stable career," he said. "But like you said… Suppose it's not that deep after all."

"Don't be too disappointed I haven't completely fallen at your feet," I said, a joking smile on my face as his eyes glanced briefly in my direction. "I will find a fancy bloke with a stable career and this'll be forgotten."

We slowly reached the Fat Lady's portrait but before Sirius said the password, he turned to look at me with a strange expression. His eyebrows furrowed a bit while his gray eyes pierced through my gaze. When his right hand reached up to flatten his hair, I was beginning to notice the hestiance in his demeanor.

Finally, he opened his mouth and softly said, "I'm sorry for ignoring you. I… wasn't myself. With anyone else, I could've brushed it off. But you really surprised me there, Mon."

I stared blankly back, unsure of what to say as my heart sped up against my chest and heat traveled up my face. Then slowly, he lowered his hand from his head and palm open, he reached for a stray tuft of hair hanging by my cheek and tucked it behind my ear. His fingers grazed my skin so lightly that I almost flinched and he pulled back, a clouded look in his eye. We exchanged stares for another beat before he cleared his throat loudly and faced the Fat Lady.

"Hungarian Horntail," he said in monotone and immediately stepped into the lively common room to join the happy Gryffindors celebrating their win.

I dumbly stood in place, processing what just happened until the Fat Lady drawled, "Are you coming in or what?"

Snapping out of my disarrayed thoughts, I shot her a menacing glare and followed Sirius inside.

A/N - Sorry this was a bit of a wait. Might have to go back to once a week updates again because I'm packed at work. Thanks for all the support guys, would appreciate your thoughts and reviews!