"Is everything okay?" Hailey asks as they are walking out of the bullpen for the day.
Jay has been quiet since Will joined them with Casper's training sessions. They have had five more training sessions since Will's first one and he has made all but one. Hailey suspects that he has put a lot of effort into trading shifts to be able to make as many training sessions as he's been. For the first few days, Hailey thought that Jay was just in a mood and wanted to be left alone. Hailey also knows what happens when Jay has time to think, so she wants to approach this before their next session tomorrow.
"Yeah, why?" Jay answers.
"You've just been quiet recently."
"It's nothing."
"Is it the case?" Hailey questions, not letting him drop it. Jay doesn't answer, causing Hailey to push him more. "Go home, get Casper and come to my place. Vanessa won't be back until later. We haven't done 'our thing that works' in a while. I think you need it. No arguments."
"Okay," Jay answers softly, knowing it is a losing battle to argue with her. "Do you want me to pick up anything on the way over?"
"No, just bring Casper and whatever he needs."
"So, are you going to tell me what's going on with you? Or are we just going to sit in silence?" Hailey asks when Jay takes his spot next to her on the couch after giving Casper his food.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Jay replies after taking a sip of his beer.
"Jay," Hailey sighs, wanting to be careful about how she approaches him. "I'm your partner. And your friend. I can read you and I know something is bothering you."
Jay remains silent.
"Is it the nightmares?"
"I…" Jay starts, "I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"What do you mean?"
"Everything's just been so good with Casper. Something bad has to happen… I just- I just don't know what it is yet. He's been great and so have you and Will. I guess I'm just waiting for you and Will to decide that my PTSD is too much to deal with. I have too much baggage- you're going to end up resenting me."
"Jay," Hailey consoled, "Everyone has baggage… you have been through so much, more than anyone should, I would be worried if you didn't have baggage. I can promise that I will not bail on you. And from what I can tell Will's going to be in your corner- no matter what. And neither one of us are going to resent you."
"It's just- everyone leaves. And I can't help but think it's my fault- that I'm too messed up to be around. Will left once, who's to say he isn't going to leave again. Erin was my partner and Antonio was my friend and they both left. What happens when you realize I have too much baggage, that I can't be fixed. The only person I knew I could count on left too," Jay cries referring to his mother.
Hailey knows that this is the alcohol allowing Jay to admit these fears, a sober Jay would hide this pain.
"You're right," Hailey tells him while pulling him into a hug, "Will did leave once, but I know for a fact that he regrets that. Will is not going to leave you again, I can tell he's trying to fix the relationship between you two. As for Erin and Antonio- they both had their own baggage. I didn't get to know Erin that well, but I know she had her own issues that she needed to work out. And Antonio needed to leave Chicago. He needed a fresh start away from his temptations." Hailey lets go of Jay, wanting him to look her in the eyes as she tells him what she is going to say next. "Jay, I can't promise that I'd never leave you, not with our line of work. But I will promise I will never voluntarily leave you- you're stuck with me."
Hailey pauses, not knowing the best approach to Jay's comment about being fixed. So, she just hopes that the right words will come out of her mouth. "Jay, I don't like how you're using the term fixed. Saying it like that implies that you are broken- you're not. I see you struggle and I hate that I can't take away that pain. I just want to help you get to a healthy place, but you need to want that too. Don't do it for me or for your brother or for anyone else. Do it because you want it for yourself. You're going to have your bad days- and that's okay, you're human. But one day, you'll get to the point where your good days outnumber your bad ones. You're going to be okay- it might take some time, but Will, Casper and I will be with you every step of the way- and if you let them, the rest of the team will stand by you. And your mom is always going to be watching over you. I never met her, but from what I heard out of Will: she loved you so much. Your mom would have never left you willingly and I know she would be proud of you and how far you've come."
"How do you know?" Jay asks unshed tears in his eyes.
"Because I'm proud of you, Will's proud of you, it's hard to not be proud of you."
"Thank you," Jay whispers burying his face into the crook of Hailey's neck, hot tears staining the collar of her shirt. His thanks having many meanings and Hailey understands each one without further explanation.
Hailey allows Jay to let his emotions out without comment, only rubbing his back to silently let him know she is there for him.
With this emotional weight lifted from Jay, he ends up falling asleep against Hailey soon after the tears stop. Hailey adjusts him some so he is in a more comfortable position and grabs the throw blanket that is across the back of the couch and tosses it over Jay the best she can as she is trapped under his head. She watches him for a while, his steady breathing signaling that he is resting peacefully.
When she decides it is time to go to bed herself, Hailey carefully slides out from under Jay's head and places it on a pillow. She then grabs an old blanket out of the closet for Casper to sleep on. The next thing she does it takes Casper's leash and puts it in a place where Vanessa won't find it- only so she doesn't see the wrap around it stating that Casper is a service dog in training, as Jay is not ready for the rest of the team to know yet. The last thing she does before going up herself is send Vanessa a text to let her know that there are guests. Try to be quiet when you get in. Jay fell asleep on the couch. And be careful not to trip on Casper.
Okay Vanessa answers.
Hailey goes to bed glad that Jay talked to her about what was bothering him, but with the gut feeling that he's not going to be completely settled about Will not leaving again until he hears it from his brother for himself.