In A Manner of My Choosing
By Pyreite
Differences
Hours had passed since her return to Val Royeaux. Ellana was reeling from the wealth of information Fen'Harel and Dalish had shared. The moon was high in the sky, round and waxing, a silver-white disc in the darkness. Ellana watched it from her room's small glass window. It was likely well past midnight.
Each revelation had led to another until her mind was full to bursting.
"You were the first spirit Solas encountered when he was a child".
She heard Fen'Harel sigh. The slow exhale of his breath was heavy with guilt. It had hurt him to admit that his first and oldest friend had betrayed him. Ellana couldn't believe that he was complicit in all Solas's earliest endeavours. His rise to power in Arlathan, the courtship of Mythal, and the claiming of a place amidst the Evanuris.
"I came to him in a nightmare", said Fen'Harel. "He cried for help as he struggled to defend himself from my more aggressive kin. He drew spirits in like moths to a candleflame. He was somniari, a dreamer, without equal. I have never known a child of the Elvhen to have such raw talent in their ability to shape the Setheneran".
"Solas was unique", deduced Ellana.
"More than unique", insisted Fen'Harel. "He is the most gifted somniari born in the past five thousand years".
Ellana swallowed thickly. It was hard to believe that her mild-mannered lover was Thedas's most powerful dreamer. Solas had always found her fascination at odds with his own experiences with the Dalish. She had been open-minded and willing to listen when her own people had not. Ellana hated that she hadn't seen through his thinly veiled disguise.
All the clues had been there.
Solas had admitted, more than once, to exploring the Fade. He had shared his many exploits with her. She remembered a sunken dwarven city and a lonely spirit chasing away human tribes. Ellana recalled the night she'd fallen asleep inside her quarters high above Skyhold. She'd visited Haven with him in a dream and they'd shared a kiss under a glowing winter sun.
"He never lied to me about what he was", declared Ellana. "Not once even if he never called himself somniari. He only told me that he liked to sleep in ancient ruins and explore the Fade in his dreams. I always thought he was just an odd little hedgemage Cassandra found under a rock somewhere. I never considered, for a single moment, that he was something so much worse".
Ellana endured the tense silence. She inhaled a shaky breath as the tears welled in her eyes. She had cried so much already. What was another round of sorrow? The tears trickled down her cheeks in glistening lines.
She smelt the tang of salt as the droplets beaded on her lips.
She could taste her own foolishness.
It was colder than ice and smelt like the sea.
"I was so gullible. I believed everything he said without question".
"Vhenan", soothed Fen'Harel. "You are not at fault here".
"He lied to me. He used me. He abandoned me. And I let him do it. You have no idea how violated I feel".
Ellana's breath caught in her throat when Fen'Harel corrected her without hesitation.
"You forget. Solas did the same to me and I was his first friend and teacher. I guided him along the path of the Vir Thenerasan. I guarded him as we explored the farthest reaches of the Setheneran together. I introduced him to my fellow spirits. I told him their names, explained their natures, and taught him how to interact with them safely".
Ellana stiffened when a pair of arms slid around her waist. She hated how strong he was, how loving, and understanding despite everything he'd lost. She smelt the spicy sweetness of sandalwood and cinnamon again. She hiccuped and tried to tear herself away from him. She took a single stubborn step before she was dragged back into the circle of his embrace.
"Let go of me!"
"Nae".
Ellana beat at his hands and wrists. Fen'Harel held tight. She curled her fingers into claws and scratched at his dusky skin. He ignored the pain and held firm. Ellana would gladly have disembowelled him had she been armed.
"Venavis!"
"I will not".
Fen'Harel turned his face into her neck. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent. She smelt of wildflowers in bloom, of peace and serenity, of light in the darkness of his despair. She was more than the Herald of Andraste. She was the woman he loved.
Ellana embodied everything he treasured in Thedas.
She meant the world to him.
"You are mine and I am yours".
"You'll just hurt me like he did!"
Dalish bristled, but held her tongue. She disliked Ellana's presumptuousness. She understood pain and hurt and suffering too. She had lost her mother during the years of the rebellion before the fall of Arlathan. She'd never reunited with her mother's kin in the aftermath.
Their misguided loyalty to Mythal had bound them to a life of seclusion.
Dalish wasn't sure if her obstinate uncle was still alive.
"I promise you, with all my heart, that I will not", soothed Fen'Harel.
"You're his brother!" accused Ellana. "His twin!"
"I am", agreed Fen'Harel. "But I am not Solas. I value all I have. I do not cast it aside as he does. When he thought to create the Veil, I begged for him to reconsider, and still he did what we both knew was wrong".
Fen'Harel's grip on her tightened.
"Solas destroyed everything we had fought for. The rebellion faltered because he refused to do what I and thousands of others were willing too. The Evanuris rose against us and we took up arms. Sword, bow, spear, and shield. We would have fought and died in a war that would have shaken Thedas to its foundations".
Dalish's anger softened when Ellana keened.
"No! If you had died I would be alone now! My clan is gone! Solas has left me! I cannot lose you too!"
"You will not", Fen'Harel assured her. "I will always be here with you".
"Had Solas given our people a chance", he said sadly. "Had he let us choose our own fates. Our deaths would have been clean. Our children might never have been born, but at least they would have been spared a life of slavery. Solas gave them that and a legacy of lies and betrayal when he created the Veil".
Dalish sighed.
"Our deaths would have been as clean and pure as freshly fallen snow".
Fen'Harel nodded.
"Once. Now those Elvhen still alive, like you and I, watch our descendants wither and die. They live in ignorance, knowing nothing of their forebears, but the lies of the Evanuris. Solas destroyed everything we fought for with one act of selfishness. I will never forgive him".
"You are not to blame", murmured Dalish.
Fen'Harel's eyes narrowed.
"Solas made your mother's sacrifice meaningless".
"She was a casualty of war".
"She trusted him with her life and yours!"
"Hahren!" hissed Dalish. "Her death was not your fault!"
"Everything Solas has done", spat Fen'Harel. "Is my fault".
Ellana remembered Adamant, the red-lyrium dragon, and falling into the Fade. The landscape had been broken and twisted. The stuff of nightmares. Spirits had wandered, aimless, across fields full of rubble. She recalled the graveyard and the gravestones with the names of her companions.
"Solas", she whispered. "Is afraid of dying alone".
"He is, ma vhenan", confirmed Fen'Harel. "Even the strongest of us has a weakness. My brother is afraid of loneliness".
"What are you afraid of?" asked Ellana.
"Losing you".
Ellana's throat was tight.
"You barely know me".
Fen'Harel kissed her cheek.
"I have always known you".
"Hahren!" snapped Dalish. "Focus! Fen'Asha deserves to know the truth! Tell her what her lover would not! Tell her what really happened!"
Fen'Harel sighed.
"The rebellion against the Evanuris failed because Solas floundered. All of our work, months of preparation, and Mythal's death ended it all. Solas was enraged when Elgar'nan ordered his capture and execution. The rebels were willing to fight for him, but he discarded their loyalty for justice. My brother wanted revenge not war and so he fashioned the Veil without our knowing".
Ellana turned to Fen'Harel, eyes wide, and brows furrowed. He searched his wine-red eyes for the truth. She found it when he pressed his brow to hers. The bond they shared through the Anchor was more than a leash. The vallaslin of Fen'Harel was but one channel of a river that flowed between them like water.
I will show you the day my brother betrayed me.
Ellana gasped as she was drawn inside his mind. The walls of the tavern and the world fell away. She saw the sun and moon rise and fall in a churning sea of black and blue. The clouds were silver-grey foam on an ever-changing tide rolling in and out. A hundred days, a thousand, a hundred thousand, a million, and more backward.
She returned to a single day, thousands of years ago, that changed Thedas forever.
Elvish, Tevene, Qunlat Translations: Courtesy of the Dragon Age Wiki
Solas – Pride.
Fen'Harel – The Dread Wolf – The elven god of Rebellion, Betrayal, and Trickery.
Vhenan – Heart.
Setheneran – The Land of Waking Dreams – aka the Fade
Vir Thenerasan – The Way of the Dreamer.
Venavis – Stop.
Nae – No.
Ir abelas – I am sorry.
Da'len – Little one.
Ma vhenan – My heart.
Hahren – Elder – A term of respect for an older person, usually a teacher or mentor. Also used by the City elves to address the leader of an Alienage.
Vallaslin – Blood writing. A special dye used to tattoo the patterns, sigils, and so forth of various members of the elven pantheon onto the face. Used by the Dalish elves.
Evanuris – The mage leaders of the elves before the Fall of Arlathan. Banished by Fen'Harel.
Fen'Asha – Wolf Woman – Loosely translated as Shewolf.