In A Manner of My Choosing
By Pyreite
Distractions
Ellana was quiet as Fen'Harel led her through the camp. She was perturbed by his latest revelation. It was discomforting to think she might have known him in a previous life. She began to wonder if dying and meeting the spirit of Marethari had been more than mere coincidence. She had expected to see the Keeper of Clan Lavellan, not Mahariel's deceased mentor.
It was all a little too convenient. Ellana didn't like the idea that her life might be predetermined. It had been hard being the Inquisitor and the Herald of Andraste. Ellana's heart sank when she mused on all she had accomplished. She hoped none of it was due to a stroke of divine favour.
Ellana was lost in her own thoughts when Fen'Harel sighed. She felt the fearful tremble in his dusky fingers. His hand tightened on her own as if he was afraid of losing her. The knot of anxiety in Ellana's chest loosened. She was still unsure of herself, but this time she wasn't alone.
Another stood in her estranged lover's place.
"Ma serannas", murmured Ellana.
"For what?" asked Fen'Harel.
"For not lying to me, even if I don't believe you".
"I suppose it is a good start. You have not run away screaming".
Ellana smiled. "Yet". She slowed to a stop to test him. She refused to take another step when he tugged on her hand. "I can run away now if you want me too".
"No".
"No?"
Ellana tried to pull away.
Fen'Harel rolled his eyes. Melana had never been this stubborn. His past love had always been biddable, even cooperative. Ellana was her opposite. She strained and gnawed at her tethers like a wolf caught in a snare. Fen'Harel was certain she'd chew his arm off if she wanted to escape.
"Perhaps I should run away from you", he teased.
"Go on then", challenged Ellana. "But don't expect me to chase you".
She rolled her eyes when Fen'Harel dropped her hand. A husky chuckle and he was off. He ran away from her, brown legs a blur, black hair flying like a banner in the wind. Ellana heard the ring of his laughter as he darted between two tents. He disappeared from view.
Ellana giggled. "I'll admit. He has a nice arse".
She followed him at her own pace. She refused to act like a child chasing a puppy. She walked instead, taking care to observe the ground, tents, and people she passed by. None could see or speak to her for they were part of Fen'Harel's memory. It was disconcerting to realise just how much he remembered.
She followed Fen'Harel's route between the two tents. The gap was wide enough to walk through with her arms outstretched. Ellana brushed her fingers across the wall of one tent. It was made from an odd fabric. It was heavy, ruddy-brown, and looked like a cross between leather and cloth.
"It has to be spider-silk", she told herself. "Nothing man or elf-made is so soft, strong, or fine".
She was surprised at being able to feel the lumps and bumps of the threads so deftly interwoven.
The fabric had a fine pearlescent sheen, like a spider web shining in the sun. Ellana watched her feet, eyes wide when she saw how the tents were staked down. The pegs weren't fashioned from wood, but something long and white like snow.
A tentative touch revealed bone, harder than steel, and stronger than diamond.
Only one material in all of Thedas had that odd red grain.
"Dragon bone", said Ellana. "Maker's breath. They were fools".
She was appalled by the discovery. She knew from experience that dragons, drakes, and their dragonling offspring were dangerous foes. A flash of fire, lightning, and frost could kill in an instant. The strike of a claw, the snap of jagged teeth, and the lash of a powerful tail could do worse. A rampaging dragon, fanning its wings, could easily trample anyone under its clawed feet.
"I suppose I was a fool too", she mused. "For daring to slay ten beasts the size of a mountain".
"I believe you slew eleven High Dragons", called Fen'Harel.
Ellana shrugged. "I don't count Hakkon Wintersbreath".
He was waiting for her on the other side of the tents. His bronze arms were folded across his chest. An impatient tap of his foot made Ellana smile. He snickered when she continued to dawdle. He held out his hand for her to take when she finally stepped out into the open.
He was pleased when her fingers touched his own.
She was starting to trust him.
"Such manners", teased Ellana. "Are you trying to impress me?"
"I am".
"It's working. I'm sorry I kept you waiting".
Fen'Harel dismissed her apology with a shake of his head. "Your tardiness was not unexpected. You did not know Elvhenan as I did. It is natural for you to be curious, vhenan. I suspected you would take the time to peruse my memories as if you were reading a book. Page by page, thus far, you must have found some intriguing things".
Ellana blushed when his black brows waggled suggestively.
"It wasn't like that!"
Fen'Harel patted her hand. "It is quite all right, vhenan. I forgive you for groping my memories".
"You're horrible!"
"And you are being tardy", he retorted. "We came here for a reason".
Ellana snorted when he tugged on her hand. He took a step forward. She remained rooted in place like a tree. Fen'Harel growled when he stumbled. He was annoyed by her obstinance.
"Vhenan!"
He glanced over his shoulder. His eyes rolled when he saw her smirking. She was amused by his clumsiness. He watched with exasperation when she finally decided to join him. A graceful step and she was beside him again.
"Don't pout", she teased. "I'm ready to go with you now".
Fen'Harel's lip curled. "Are you quite sure?"
Ellana took a daring step away from him.
"I could always go without you".
She was startled by his vehement snarl.
"Nae!"
Ellana's joke turned sour. Fen'Harel's red eyes narrowed to angry slits. His black brows furrowed. He glowered at her as he took several hasty breaths. She realised that he was trying to regain his composure as he exhaled slowly.
She babbled an apology.
"Ir abelas!"
Fen'Harel's grip tightened upon her hand. His lips peeled back from his teeth. He bared his fangs despite himself, his anger plain for her to see. Ellana felt his fingers tremble as he chastised her.
Her teasing had frightened him.
"You are never to go anywhere without me!"
"It was a jest!"
"I do not see the humour in it!"
Ellana's face softened. "You are afraid of losing me".
"Of course I am!" snapped Fen'Harel. "I grieved for you for five thousand years! Now here you are again! I will not lose you twice!"
The tension between them was charged with emotion. Ellana was the first to look away. The intensity of his gaze made her uncomfortable. He was different from his brother. Solas's prime concern had always been the Veil and the means to tear it down.
Fen'Harel, his twin and shadow, was more concerned about her.
Ellana took a deep fortifying breath. She steeled her nerves and lifted her chin. She had faced worse things than a spirit in the shape of an elf. She met Fen'Harel's worried red eyes. She acknowledged his feelings with a simple nod.
"I'm glad someone cares about me".
Fen'Harel's smile was tender. "Vhenan".
Ellana gave his fingers a gentle squeeze. "We've lost Melana".
His husky chuckle made her feel less guilty for her tardiness.
"I know the way".
"Lead me?"
Fen'Harel's answer took her breath away.
"Always".
(******)
Ellana followed him again though she often wanted to stop and study the details of his memories. The elves of the rebellion had known hardship as she had. Their possessions were few, but what little they had fascinated Ellana. She saw women and children wearing simple pendants, rings, torques, and bracelets. She spied men armed with swords, shields, spears, bows, and daggers.
Ellana was astonished by the materials they'd used. She recognised the spiralling segments of halla horn and the blue-greyness of ironbark. The shapes the horn and wood had been fashioned into were familiar too. Ellana was eerily reminded of her own people. Only the Dalish had used these materials in their tools, armour, weapons, and jewellery.
Fen'Harel smiled through the silence. He was pleased that Ellana had seen the first stirrings of what would become the Dalish. He regretted their seclusion from the rest of the Elvhen, but he was glad they'd survived. The people of the Dales had sheltered the soul of his beloved. He would always be grateful to them.
"My vhenan is quiet".
Ellana was perturbed by yet another revelation. Fen'Harel seemed amused by her silence. The smile on his face would've been infuriating under normal circumstances. Now, she was neither angry nor afraid, but she was feeling a little overwhelmed. She had barely taken two breaths in the time between attending the Exalted Council and learning about Melana.
Now she had something new to mull over. The birth of the Dalish had began during the Rebellion of the Elvhen against the Evanuris. Ellana had always thought her people had come long after the fall of Arlathan. To think they had first emerged during the golden age of the Elvhen was more than humbling. It made her want to cry.
"Fenedhis", she cursed as she blinked and sniffed to stem the tide of tears. "Do you delight in drowning me?"
Fen'Harel laughed. "In history?"
"Yes!"
He smiled. "Have you not always thirsted for the truth?"
Ellana bit her lip. He was right, she knew. She had always wondered how much of her people's written and oral history was true. Fen'Harel was offering her more than just himself. He was willing to share what he knew with her.
Solas hadn't been so forthcoming.
"I thought my people's history only went back a few centuries", replied Ellana. "I never believed in half of what our Keeper told my clan. It was easier to focus on the present. If I could keep the clan safe and fed than I didn't have time to grieve for the loss of Arlathan. A full stomach was better than a broken heart".
Fen'Harel's smile dimmed. It hurt to hear of her life in such brevity. He imagined all manner of hardships. Famine, strife, and that lost and lonely feeling of utter helplessness. He was glad she'd come through it all despite the death of her clan.
One member of Clan Lavellan yet survived.
"Ir abelas, vhenan", said Fen'Harel. "All that you have endured was my doing".
He yelped when Ellana punched him in the arm.
"Venavis!"
She scowled. "Stop feeling sorry for me!"
Fen'Harel frowned. "I did not mean to offend you".
"Well you did!"
"Ir abelas".
Ellana glared at him. "You're doing it again! Stop apologising!"
Fen'Harel snorted. "What would you have me do?"
"I would have you acknowledge that I am not a helpless child! I have fought and slain dragons! I have defeated Corypheus! I have been inside the Fade and returned to the waking world whole of mind and body! I am Dalish and a direct descendant of the elves that were part of your rebellion!"
Ellana lifted her chin and looked down her nose at him.
"My ancestors had more fortitude and determination than you do! They lived mortal lives and so have I! It's been hard at times, certainly, but I'm still here! Don't think I'm less than you are because I'm Dalish and not Elvhen! You and Solas slept for five thousand years, while the rest of the elves lived their lives, just like my clan!"
An apology was on his lips.
Fen'Harel had to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying it.
Ellana looked him in the eye.
"Respect me for who I am and what I've done", she told him. "Don't feel sorry for me for what you think I've missed. I am Dalish not Elvhen. I am proud of my heritage. I will not think less of myself or my people because you and Solas think I should".
Fen'Harel chuckled.
Ellana rolled her eyes.
"I want to apologise".
"Don't. I know who I am, Fen'Harel. Do you?"
He kissed her cheek.
She blushed.
"I would like to learn. If you will have patience with me".
Ellana was relieved. "Ma serannas. It's more than Solas was willing to give me".
She pressed a finger to Fen'Harel's lips to silence him.
"I know my elvish is terrible. You'll just have to endure it".
He grinned from ear to ear, red eyes twinkling, and chose not to comment.
"Come on then", urged Ellana. "We have to find Melana".
Fen'Harel nodded. He squeezed her hand and took the lead again. He led her through another maze of tents and across a trampled field of dead grass. The earth had been churned to mud by the restless marching of many feet. Ellana saw elves sparring with sword, spear, bow, and shield in a churning sea of chaos.
"The training fields", explained Fen'Harel. "Were always full of new recruits. We tried our best to teach them what we could. Most as you can see", he said whilst gesturing to several young elves in ill-fitting armour. "Were not soldiers".
"They have the look of farmers, farriers, and stable boys", said Ellana. "A few swing a sword like a hammer".
"Most were servants, though we had many a fisherman, cobbler, milliner, and seamstress too".
"Maker's balls. They would've been slaughtered in a real battle".
Fen'Harel sighed. "Indeed. On that, vhenan. I agree. Come. I am tired of dawdling".
Ellana curbed her curiosity. It seemed her guide preferred silence to conversation. He led her across the training field and up a small trampled path leading into the heart of the encampment. Ellana was reminded of Haven when Fen'Harel stopped before a large brown tent. The sides of the canvas were painted in a familiar style.
She stared at the vivid strokes in yellow, black,white, and red. The minimal colours gave life to a history recorded in art. Ellana saw a dragon bleeding a red river as it lay at the feet of an army of shadows. A man, talk and dark, stood over the dragon, axe in hand. Ellana recognised the pattern of thorny vines twining around his head like a crown.
"Elgar'nan. And the fallen dragon is Mythal. The shadows around her must be the Evanuris".
Fen'Harel snorted. "My brother always did have an eye for art. Come, vhenan".
Ellana quietened as he ushered her past several guards in front of the tent. It was strange that no one saw or stopped them. The oddity made her skin prickle. Though it was a memory, it seemed all too real. Ellana stayed close to Fen'Harel.
She was grateful when his arm slid around her shoulder.
He didn't need to ask.
He knew she was discomforted by what she saw.
"Easy, vhenan", he soothed. "I am here".
Ellana trembled when she heard a raised voice. The fury in it was unmistakable. She knew who spoke as they slipped inside the tent. A flash of silver-white hair and the crack of an open palm on skin, caught her by surprise. Ellana gasped when she saw Melana stumble.
Tiny Arille leapt to her mother's defence.
"Don't you hit my, Mamae!"
Ellana knew those haunted grey eyes anywhere.
Solas stood over Melana with a raised fist.
"You did this!" he accused. "You turned him away from me! Harellan! I should never have allowed you to join us! You poisoned my brother against his purpose!"
Melana wiped the bloody spittle from her mouth.
"He is not a hound to be leashed and turned loose on your enemies".
Ellana was horrified when Solas gnashed his teeth like a wolf.
"His purpose is my purpose! Na nadas nan!"
Elvish, Tevene, Qunlat Translations: Courtesy of the Dragon Age Wiki
Solas – Pride.
Fen'Harel – The Dread Wolf – The elven god of Rebellion, Betrayal, and Trickery.
Vhenan – Heart.
Ir abelas – I am sorry.
Ma serannas – My thanks.
Nae – No.
Elgar'nan – The All-Father, The Eldest of the Sun – The male counterpart to Mythal, the elven god of the Sun, Vengeance, and Fire.
Mythal – The All-Mother, The Protector – The female counterpart to Elgar'nan, the elven god of
The Evanuris – The order of Mage-Kings that ruled ancient Elvhenan, and were believed to be Gods by the Elvhen.
Elvhen – Our People – The elves of ancient Elvhenan and Arlathan.
Motherhood, and Justice.
Mamae – Mother.
Harellan – Trickster, Traitor to one's kin.
Na nadas nan – It is vengeance.