- 2010
Madelyn stopped in front of this door she knew all too well and took a deep breath,
This non-sense had lasted enough.
She would not let her bestfriend drown in her own sorrow, she would not let her make every possible worst decision.
Nope.
She would be there.
And Regina would have to deal with that.
So she took another deep breath and knocked.
Nothing.
"Regina?" nothing, so the blond woman groaned and rolled her eyes before knocking on the door harder. "Open the damn door."
Still nothing.
And now, she was angry.
Because the Regina Mills she knew was stronger than that.
She wasn't a coward.
"Regina Mills, this has lasted enough. Stop acting like a damn baby and open the damn door for God's sake! If you don't, I swear to God I'll break the damn thing myself!"
Madelyn had to wait another second when finally - finally,the door opened.
And the words died on her lips,
Because Regina was there, pale as a ghost and brown eyes wide and lost.
This wasn't Regina.
Barely a copy of a copy.
Barely.
"Hi." she only said.
"Hi?" Mal shook her head. "Babe, you've avoided me for more than a week, you've been absent from work and you look like you're about to die and all you've got to say to me right now is hi?"
Regina shrugged, eyes so weary.
"What do you want me to say, Mal?"
Mal studied her, tilting her head.
Nope.
This wouldn't do.
She was there now.
Things would get better.
Even if she had to carry Regina herself.
"Can I come in?"
Regina sighed again and then moved away, showing her to come in.
" 'Kay."
They were both sat in front of each other with a glass of wine and Madelyn had still to talk which was making Regina nervous.
"Please, say something."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything is better than that silence." Madelyn snorted loudly. "Look, you came here so say what you came here to say."
Her bestfriend sighed sadly.
This wasn't the right way to get to Regina.
She needed to try something else.
She couldn't lose her to sadness.
She was the only person she had left, her best friend in the whole world.
Her sister.
Plan B, then.
"I'm worried about you, that's all."
Regina felt tears pricked at the back of her eyes.
She wanted so much to let go.
So much.
But she couldn't.
And then she finally looked up and their eyes met.
And just like that,
Just like that she felt safe enough to finally admit.
"I'm not doing so great with everything, am I?"
Mal sighed and took her hand, squeezing it.
"You're doing the best you can is what I think."
Another silence, Regina sipped her glass and then.
"I agreed to move in with Graham."
Mal sighed loudly.
"Oh Regina."
"Maybe it'll work!"
"You know it won't."
"Maybe I'll start feel the way I should!"
"You know you won't."
"Maybe-"
"Regina, STOP." groaned Madelyn. "You know you won't!"
And then it was too much.
Too. Much.
And everything bubbling under the surface came out, every part of sadness and anger and heartbreak and frustration and everything.
And she finally exploded.
"AND WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MAL? DO YOU WANT ME TO BE MISERABLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I'M HEADING RIGHT NOW SO YES, I'LL TRY WITH GRAHAM BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS!" Mal's eyes widened but she couldn't stop. Not now that she had started. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU EXPECT OF ME?! I DON'TKNOW WHAT TO DO OKAY? I'M FUCKING HEARTBROKEN AND I THINK I'LL BE THIS WAY FOREVER SO PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME, WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"
A silence.
Silence that lasted.
And lasted.
And lasted again.
"You're done?" asked the blond and Regina nodded, shaking slightly.
Madelyn wiped her eyes tiredly and then took a deep breath,
"You're right. You're absolutely right. I can't understand what you're going through. I haven't lost the love of my life, you have." Regina's heart broke and her heart squeezed tighter in a pain she now knew all too well. "I can talk and talk and talk, but at the end of the day, you're the one who lost Robin." Regina shivered violently at the sound of his name and Mal smiled oh so sadly, "But sweetie, all I'm saying is that as long as you're not able to only hear about his name without shivering with your whole body the way you just did, then... I don't think you should promise things to anyone else. It's not fair. To anyone. And I know you're better than that."
Regina looked down.
"I don't wanna hurt him." she murmured, tear rolling down her cheek. "I know he loves me and I can't-" her voice broke.
She couldn't break his heart.
She couldn't.
Madelyn squeezed her hand again.
"I know, babe. But you'll hurt him a whole damn more if you lead him on."
Regina squeezed her eyes tightly.
She was right,
She knew she was.
"I can't break his heart." it was only a murmur.
"Regina, look at me." she did, "You'll break his heart harder if you move in with him and then leave him later for something you knew from the very start. Don't you think Graham deserves to find real love?"
Regina looked up, eyes wide.
"What?"
"Don't you think he deserves to find someone who'll love him for real?"
The brunette looked like a dee caught in the light of a car.
"Don't you?" asked again Mal, so very softly.
She was reaching Regina, she could see it.
And then,
"Yes. I believe he does."
Mal smiled sadly,
"I know you do."
Regina shook her head, sighing deeply.
Everything was a mess.
And it was all her fault.
(No. It wasn't, said a voice in her head that sounded an awful lot like Madelyn's.)
"How am I going to break his heart?" her voice broke.
"You'll do it gently, and for his own sake."
Another tear rolled down her cheek.
- 2019
Regina was packing when she felt two strong arms circled her waist.
"Careful, I have a boyfriend." she teased and heard the deep chuckle of the man she loved, before he kissed her neck tenderly. "He could come home at any time."
"What a lucky man." he whispered.
"Not arguing with that ."
Robin chuckled again and she turned in his arms, circling his neck.
"Hi." she breathed and he leant in, kissing her tenderly.
"Hi, my love."
"How was your day?"
"Boring." he rolled his eyes, "Yours?"
"As you can see, full of packing."
Robin looked at the room and laughed,
"Has a new tornado hit our bedroom while I was gone?"
"Shut up!" she exclaimed, pulling away and slapping his chest.
Robin laughed and she walked to the box she was filling before he came in.
"After this room, there will only be the living room and Roland's room left." she turned around again, smiling so brightly Robin swore it blinded him a little. "Three weeks, baby."
Could a heart explode form happiness?
He was seriously wondering.
Instead, Robin walked to her and cupped her cheeks kissing her pasionately and she moaned at the back of her throat, making him kiss her deeper.
"What was that for?" she asked, breathless.
He only kissed her again.
"I love you. I'm happy." he only murmured between kisses, but he couldn't stop.
He needed her.
Now.
No words could express what he was feeling.
"Care to show me how much you love me?" she raised a flirty eyebrow and he thanked God for soulmates, pushed the box away in one swift movement, making her laugh and then he was kissing her again.
The love of his entire life.
A week later.
Robin was having a drink with John at his place.
They had talked about everything and nothing, when suddenly John had offered to raise a toast and Robin had known what was coming.
Goodbyes.
He hated goodbyes.
And this one would be particularly painful, he knew it.
"I'm gonna miss the hell out of you, mate."
Robin smiled sadly.
"I know. Me too."
John sighed deeply.
"You've just always been around, y'know?"
Robin frowned and ran a hand through his hair.
"Living you behind is one of the hardest thing about this move, John. You've been my anchor ever since I came to the States, I hope you know that."
John cleared his throat, touched.
They didn't say a word for a few minutes.
"But even if I wish I could, I can't hope for you to stay." Robin looked up and his friend smiled sadly, "I see how happy you are and I am so glad you found your way back to Regina. So very bloody happy. You guys are going to be so very happy. I'm talking shit like in movies, mate."
Robin chuckled and held out his drink.
"Well, I'll drink to that."
John smiled and clinked their glasses.
But it wasn't enough.
Everything was not said, just yet.
"John," said Robin. "Thank you. Thank you for having been the best friend I could have hoped for."
Emotion rose in the room and both men tried to keep it under control.
This was hard.
But then John smiled,
"If you think you'll get rid of me think again, it'll take more than a move accross the world in order to do that." Robin chuckled fondly and John raised his drink, "Now I don't know about you but I for one would drink to that."
Robin laughed.
"Agreed."
Robin and Regina were walking in the street holding hands, he was telling her about his drink with John.
"Are you alright?"she asked, stroking his arm and he shrugged.
"We've been around each other for as long as I can remember, parting from him is like parting from a brother." he shrugged again and Regina frowned. "It's like I'm living such a big part of me here in the States. I know it shouldn't make me so sad but-"
"Babe, you're allowed to be sad."
Robin sighed deeply and looked up trying to hide his sadness.
"I know. It's just too much at the moment."
She laid a kiss on his shoulder.
"I'm here if you want to talk."
He looked down and kissed her hair.
"I know. Thank you."
She was about to add something when suddenly...
"Regina?" they both stopped, looking around. A man was looking at them, eyes wide open as he asked again. "Regina Mills, is that really you?"
Regina's heart stopped.
It couldn't be.
How long has it been?
Years?
Near a decade, surely.
"Oh my God." she breathed like she couldn't believe it, eyes wide. "Graham?!"
The man laughed and she laughed too, walked to him and hugged him.
It felt all so natural.
Like their didn't encounter didn't even exist.
(But God it did.)
They receded and he was still looking like he couldn't believe it,
"Oh my God, I can't believe it! How long has it been?" he said, looking at her like she wasn't real.
"An eternity." she laughed and then Robin was by her side, his hand on the small of her back. "Oh." she turned around and squeezed Robin's arm. "Graham this is Robin, my boyfriend, Robin this is Graham we went out for a couple of months years ago."
Robin and Graham shook hands and then,
"Glad to meet you." smiled Robin and Graham smiled back, but then narrowed his eyes.
"Wait, are you the Robin?"
Regina's heart stopped and she blushed, put a strand of hair back behind her ear and cleared her throat.
"Yes. Yes, I believe he is."
Robin frowned slightly but Graham talked again,
"I'm so happy you guys found your way back to each other in the end." he smiled and she smiled back.
But this was a pretty sensitive subject and Graham was part of a sensitive part of her past.
She needed to change the subject.
"How have you been?" she asked then.
He took a deep breath and smiled brightly,
"I'm amazing, actually." she felt a weight lifted out of her chest. She had secretely been afraid all this year she had ruined his life.
"I'm so glad." she said in a breath, relieved beyond words.
"Regina, you were right." he smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "I couldn't see it when you broke up with me, I was really mad and really heartbroken for a long time-"
"Graham, I'm so-"
"Please don't apologize." he cut her softly. "Because you were right, I deserved better than what you could afford. I deserved to find my one true love the way you were holding on to yours." she blushed and he took a deep breath before showing her his wedding ring. "I did." he smiled brightly, "I'm married now." she gasped and he added, "to the absolute love of my life, and we have four kids."
"Graham!" Regina exclaimed, "I am so very happy for you! You have no idea!"
He laughed,
"Yeah, me too." he laughed. "This amazing life that I have, I owe a small part of it to you. Regina, you let me go instead of leading me on and I couldn't thank you enough for that." She felt tears pricked at the back of her eyes because this was too much. She had blamed herself for hurting him for so long... And Mal had been right, it had been all worth it. He was happy. "I can see it so clearly now, what true love really is."
She hugged him again.
"I'm so happy for you, Graham." she said again and if only he knew how much she actually meant it.
Later that very night, Roland was asleep in his bed and they were snuggled on the bed, Regina nuzzling Robin's chest as he was stroking her arm tenderly.
She needed to feel close to him because in moment like that when her past collided with her present, she had trouble realizing this was not just a dream.
"Wanna talk about it?" he finally asked and she kissed his chest lightly.
"About?"
"This encounter with your old boyfriend, I can see it has shaken you quite strongly."
"I'm fine."
"You've been kind of quiet all evening, my love."
She sighed and looked up, meeting the blue eyes of the love of her life.
"I'm just thinking."
"About?" he asked soflty and she took time to ponder her next words carefully,
"About true love and fate, and that kind of things."
He smiled, dimples in full display.
"Who was he?" he asked softly and she sighed, laid her head back on his chest.
Somehow, this would not be an easy conversation.
She felt so vulnerable about this part of her life...
But it was Robin and they were better than ever.
For the first time ever...
She felt ready to open up.
So she did.
"He's the guy I dated after you. Years after you." she added in a murmur and he kissed her hair tenderly, encouraging her if she wanted to talk but not forcing her if she didn't.
She sighed and then another silence,
"He fell hard for me. Really hard." he squeezed her in his arms, bringing her courage. "But I couldn't allow myself to love again. Not when I was still so heartbroken over you."
"Regina-"
She sensed he was about to apologize again and stopped him.
"He asked me to move in with him and I wanted to say no, but I couldn't. I couldn't." she shook her head, frowning as she remembered it all.
The hurt.
The pain.
The hopelessness.
The helplessnes.
Everything.
"What happened?" he asked softly, "Did you guys move in together?"
And there was no jealousy, no venom, just genuine curiosity.
It was actually what made her answer.
"I intended to. Only because I didn't want to break his heart the way mine had been." he tensed suddenly and she felt bad. "Sorry."
"Don't you dare apologize." he murmured, "This pain is on me and I deserve to suffer for it."
"I forgave you." she said,
"Doesn't mean it didn't happen."
She sighed and he hold her tighter.
"I thought that if I tried, then maybe with time I would come to love him the way he loved me. If only I could force myself a little."
He sighed and she felt him let a kiss on her hair, fell for him deeper.
"What happened, my love?"
"Guess." she chuckled.
"Madelyn?"
"Madelyn." she laughed and he chuckled, too. "She came to my rescue, as she always does."
Robin chuckled as that.
"Classic Mal."
Regina laughed,
"Classic Mal, indeed. I knew she wasn't on board with my plan so I avoided her."
"Bad call, if you want my opinion."
"Indeed." she chuckled, "She came at my door one day, refused to leave and made me understand that I couldn't do that, because he deserved to find real love."
A silence.
"How did it go?"
"Terribly." her voice broke. "He cried, I cried. It was awful... I guess a part of me had always been afraid he would spend the rest of his life alone and heartbroken because of me."
Robin cupped her cheeks, making her look at him.
"But he didn't. He found love and happiness."
She smiled brightly.
"That he did."
"And you did too."
She looked up again, eyes shining.
"I sure did, too."
They got lost in each other's eyes for a few seconds.
"I love you. More than anything." he murmured,
"I love you too, Robin."
The blue-eyed man leant in, kissing her with all the love he could muster.
"You and I, it was always meant to be." she murmured, "I think deep down I've always known that and didn't want anything to mess it up when our time would come."
Robin was speechless.
A tear rolled down his cheek, and he kissed her again.
And again.
And again.
-2010
Regina was in front of Graham's place.
She couldn't do that.
She couldn't.
But she had to.
So she took a deep breath and knocked.
"Regina?" smiled Graham and he leant in, ready to kiss her but she turned her head and he froze.
"Oh."
"Could we talk?" she asked and he paled.
"I'm not gonna like it, am I?"
"Please." she said again, feeling tears pricked at the back of her eyes already. "Can I come in?"
He nodded and she went in.
They were sat in front of each other and she had never felt so bad in her entire life.
"Don't do that."
"Graham..."
"Please."
"It's not that simple."
"I love you."
Her heart broke in her chest and she buried her face in her hands for a few seconds.
"You deserve better than me."
"Let me be the judge of that."
He got up and touched her shoulder but she receded and got up, got away from him and saw the tears shining in her eyes.
God.
She couldn't do that.
"I can never love you the way you love me." her voice broke as she saw his heart broke in front of her very eyes.
"But-"
"You deserve to find true love. You're so special..."
A silence.
"You agreed to move in with me."
"True." she murmured.
"It doesn't make any sense."
Her heart fell at the bottom of her chest.
Those words...
She had said them to Robin.
Oh God.
She didn't want to think about him.
She couldn't.
Not now.
She couldn't breath.
Oh God.
Not now-
"Regina?"
The brunette shook her head and got back to present time.
She looked at Graham in front of her and she knew.
She knew what she had to do.
The only thing she could actually do.
She had to tell the truth.
The absolute truth.
No matter how much that would hurt both Graham and herself.
It was the only way.
She didn't have her truth when Robin left her, but she would give Graham the truth.
So she took a deep breath and tried to gather the courage she had left.
"I told you about my ex-boyfriend, Robin."
(It was the first time she said his name, and she hated how much she still loved how it felt.)
"Did he come back?" asked Graham and she forced herself to answer.
(He would never come back, she knew that.)
" is happily married with another woman."
God she felt like crying already.
"Then what?"
Here went the truth that would hurt them both.
She would say it once.
And only once.
In her entire life.
So she took a deep shaky breath,
"I'm still in love with him." her voice broke but she powered through. "I will always love him."
A silence.
She was crying.
He was crying.
"Regina..."
"That is why I think you deserve better than half a relationship. I can't love another person." their eyes locked. "I won't."
He sniffled, or she did.
She couldn't tell anymore.
"You're running away." he accused.
"I really am not." she said, praying he would understand. "You'll understand when you find someone who truly deserves you."
He shook his head, wiping his cheeks.
"I won't fall in love again. Not after the way you played with my feelings."
And that hurt.
It would have hurt less if he had stabbed her in the heart.
"Please don't say that." she murmured.
"Get out of my house." he said, not looking at her anymore.
"Graham-"
"Please."
She got up, took her purse and hurried to the door.
"I wish you to be happy." she murmured before she left.
And then once out,
She sobbed.
And took a decision.
No more love.
She was not made for love.
She'd stay alone from now on.
Her chance at love had gone away forever anyway.
It wasn't worth it.
It wasn't.