Past Mistakes
Chapter 11
Christine actually felt a little bad for Mike. He missed Hannah and was beginning to see the implications of just what he had done. Hannah was still very hurt and just wasn't ready to talk to her father. The issue arose when it came time for Mike to be released from the hospital. He had made the decision to go back to Christine's, mostly because he would need help and wanted to reconnect with Hannah. He would be occupying the downstairs bedroom and office area.
It took Christine a bit to get Mike settled in and he was already exhausted, but she could tell he was looking for the girls. Katie and Hannah had taken Emma to a movie and out for a pizza dinner, to keep her out of the way. Christine knew Mike wouldn't mind Emma, but it was like the girls were afraid to subject Emma to whatever mood Mike be in.
"Where are the girls? I was hoping to talk to Hannah." Mike asked as Christine helped him settle into bed.
"They went to a movie and out for pizza. Figured you needed a quiet evening in." Christine said.
"I haven't seen Hannah and Katie for almost a week." Mike commented. His tone sounded so depressed.
"I know." Christine answered. She had taken Emma to see Mike in the hospital, but both older girls had kept their distance.
"I know I caused the issue but I miss them." Mike said.
"I understand. Just be a bit patient; Mike. Hannah is still pretty upset by what you said and did." Christine told him.
"I get that I made her mad but…" Mike started.
"No, Mike. There is a difference. She is sad. She is upset. You and I both have the same baseline, anger. Hannah's baseline will never be anger. Its pain and sadness. I know you love her but right now; Hannah thinks you don't and that she caused you to be hurt. You and I both know what the real cause was, and it certainly had nothing to do with Hannah." Christine explained.
"So, how do I fix it? I can only apologize for what I did, not how she feels." Mike asked.
"I honestly don't know. Let Hannah come to you. Don't push her. I can let her know that when she's ready; you're here. I know that isn't the answer you want, but it's the best I can do." Christine said.
"I wish I had never found you all. If I hadn't, I would have never destroyed my relationship with Hannah. She would still think I was her hero and all would be right in the world." Mike remarked. He was surprised when Christine sat down next to him on the bed and squeezed his hand. They sat in silence for a long moment before Christine spoke.
"Hannah loves you. That hasn't changed. You will always be her person. I think that is why what you did hurt so bad. She wanted to go back to the hospital that evening. Check on you. I told her not to. I thought she needed the time and that you also did too. Hannah is a people pleaser and more than anything; she wants to please you. I have always said our kids are the best versions of the two of us. You and I are impatient, moody, demanding, and we both have ferocious tempers. Katie is unbelievably patient. Hannah loves with her whole heart. Lucas was always in a good mood. I know Emma isn't yours but she is so sweet and accepting. Mike; the one thing we did right was our kids. I know you are hurting too and all you want is to talk to Hannah and fix this, but please; please do not lose heart. Let her appear when its time." Christine said.
"I really miss her. I know that seems silly after so long of not being around her or Katie, but…I do. I've seen you and Emma, and I appreciate that, but I miss my girls." Mike said.
"The heart feels what it feels. You don't have to apologize for it. I will tell Katie to come in and spend some time with you and you won't be able to keep Emma away. When Hannah is ready, she'll be here too. Just don't forget that they love you." Christine said.
"And you?" Mike asked.
"For all the hell we put each other through, we always somehow get back to square one. We love each other. Instead of getting mad, I should have just asked about any relationships you might have had. I should have told you that I had been in therapy for years preparing for your arrival. Yeah; that first night, I practically tore your clothes off. I wanted what I knew only you could provide. It was much more than sex. It was security and normality. As funny as it sounds, it was also possession. By having sex with you; I was allowing you to take back a part of myself that those men took. A part that belonged to you until they came along and stole it. I know I'm not articulating this so well, but just know; it wasn't just sex for me. It was part of the healing process." Christine explained.
"Not sure I will ever be able to do that again. Or that you will want to considering the leg." Mike remarked, sounding a bit morose. Christine knew her daughters were still out and Rosalie was visiting her sister. She thought for a moment, and then gently climbed onto Mike's lap and immediately straddled him. She gave him an intense kiss and smiled as he began unbuttoning her blouse. Mike always followed a pattern.
"The girls were at a double feature. I don't look for them to be home until eight or so. We have time if you feel up to it." Christine said. Mike thought for a moment and kissed her neck.
"This probably isn't our wisest move, but if it helps you feel better?" Mike said.
"It does and I want you to do whatever you want. Just don't overdo." Christine warned.
"I'm not ever sure what to do anymore without the leg." Mike admitted.
"Do you want me to do this, this time?" Christine asked.
"Yes." Mike answered weakly. The entire time, Christine had been working on his pajama pants. It was a little harder for him to undress, and the entire time Christine wondered about the wisdom of doing this. Mike was only recently recovered and was still fairly weak, but she also knew it was vital to her marriage, but also to Mike's confidence. He was doubting himself as a husband and father.
A few hours later, after a passionate make-up, a shower and cleaning the bedroom back up; Mike was sitting up in bed, absolutely exhausted. He needed to go to sleep, but seemed to be waiting for the girls to arrive home. Christine threw the sheets and other laundry in the washing machine and came back in with pain medication for Mike; knowing he had over-exerted.
"Let's don't tell your physical therapist about this. I don't think anything we did is on the approved list of activities." Christine said.
"Do you feel better? I don't think I had thought it from the perspective of taking back a piece of yourself." Mike asked.
"I do. And do you? Except for the exhaustion and pain?" Christine asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I suppose for whatever reason; I wouldn't be able to perform anymore." Mike said with a laugh.
"Oh, you definitely can still perform. Its just a bit more logistically more challenging but we will figure that one out. Whenever you want to experiment a bit more, we can. And besides, the more physically intimate we are, we become more emotionally intimate. We talk easier. I think maybe we should have been talking like this for a long time, even before the Red Flu." Christine said.
"You are right about that. And one more thing before I take these meds and pass out?" Mike said as he pulled on Christine's arm gently and landed a sweet kiss on her lips just as they heard the girls come into the house.
"And one more thing from me? I love you." Christine said.
"I love you too." Mike said.
"I will send Emma and Katie in. If Hannah wants to come in, she will, but I will tell all three girls that you are tired. I just won't tell them why." Christine said with a wink. She gave Mike another kiss and then walked out into the living area where the girls were shedding jackets and purses. "Dad is still awake and wants to see you all; if you feel up to it. Hannah? You don't have to until you're ready." Christine said. Emma scurried off to Mike's room immediately, but Katie hesitated, mostly because she was a very supportive older sister.
"Katie, if you want to; I understand. I know you've been worried about him. I may go in and tell him good night, but I am not quite ready to talk. You shouldn't suffer because I screwed up." Hannah told her sister.
"Alright. I'll tell him." Katie said. She patted Hannah's shoulder and walked out of the room.
"Honey; I just want you to know that your dad loves you, but he is absolutely terrified that he is losing you. It was not your screw up. Go in, give your dad a hug and kiss and then; when you are ready and he isn't so tired, talk. He's feeling pretty down and is really worried about you. Give him a bit of hope. He'll sleep better." Christine told her before leading Hannah into Mike's bedroom. Both Katie and Emma were sitting on Mike's bed, but as soon as he saw Hannah; he faltered just a bit.
"Hannah?" Mike asked.
"Mike; she just wanted to tell you good night and give you a kiss. She's not ready for much else." Christine told him. She could see the disappointment in Mike's eyes and the fear in Hannah's, but she gently pushed Hannah forward. Hannah bent down and gave Mike a hesitant hug. Mike patted her back with his good hand.
"I'm really sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to make you mad. I just thought you needed…a pick me up. I shouldn't have just…I'm just really sorry." Hannah started. As if sensing what was happening, Katie and Emma got off the bed and they left the room. Mike gently pulled Hannah down next to him.
"You did absolutely nothing wrong, sweet pea. It was all me. I took my frustration out on you and you were the last person in the world who deserved it. Unfortunately; I am exhausted tonight. Can we talk tomorrow?" Mike asked.
"Yeah." Hannah asked as she wiped a tear away. Her burn had become infected, so it was bandaged. Mike knew, but Christine could tell it bothered him.
"Alright. Just remember; it is not your fault. I love you, so, so much and I want you to go get some sleep. You haven't slept so well this week, have you?" Mike asked.
"No." Hannah admitted.
"We are fine as far as I am concerned. Go sleep. We'll talk first thing." Mike said.
"You're sure? I really screwed up." Hannah asked.
"You didn't screw up at all. What I need you to do now is go upstairs; take a shower and sleep. Do you have class tomorrow?" Mike asked.
"No. Tomorrow is my day off." Hannah answered.
"Don't set your alarm. Just sleep." Mike said in a soothing voice.
"But Emma…" Hannah started.
"I will handle Emma. Please do what your dad asks. I'll be up in a few minutes." Christine said.
"Go get some sleep." Mike insisted. Before she got off the bed, she gave Mike another hug and kiss on the cheek.
"I love you too." Hannah said simply.
"Go take the shower. I'll fix your bandage once I come upstairs." Christine instructed before giving her daughter a kiss on the forehead. Hannah left the room and Christine smiled at Mike, who was fighting his sleep.
"Your cellphone is right here and the crutches are leaned against the nightstand. If you need me; call. If I thought that Emma wouldn't get scared I would stay in here." Christine said.
"Its fine. I'll be alright. I love you." Mike said simply.
"I love you too. Sleep tight." Christine answered. She made sure the cellphone was within reach, tucked the blanket closer, shut the light off and gave him another kiss before leaving the room. She could actually feel her family healing. There were things to figure out, but things were slowly getting better.